Jeni26

This is truly a journey for me, pushing through uncomfortable and painful feelings and emotions, learning about who I really am, and allowing myself to experience life sober.
This weekend has been tough. I have felt myself slipping backwards to that dark pit of depression and anxiety. Only by the skin of my teeth and lots of prayer am I making it through without resorting to the familiar oblivion that only alcohol can bring.
I am realising that my behaviour is truly co-dependent in so many respects. I have spent my entire adult life building my self-worth on my ability to help others. My career has moved away from teaching to managing pupil and staff support. I bend over backwards to please others.
This weekend I finally realised that this is causing me real difficulties because I'm too reliant in fixing things for them, I need their thanks, their recognition and if things can't be easily resolved, it rocks my whole foundation in life.
This is wrong. All wrong.
If others at work are unhappy, I haven't necessarily failed!
I used to think I was a good person, but I've been utterly selfish. I have pushed my own needs down all my life, and then blamed those who have become dependent on me for stripping me of my strength. I have grown resentful and drank on it in the past.
Growing up in an alcoholic, violent abusive household meant I was given responsibility for my younger siblings, and this is a pattern that I have repeated over and over again.
AA is teaching me about acceptance and tolerance. About how to give without expecting anything in return.
I'm an overly sensitive, vulnerable alcoholic with almost 6 months sobriety.
I will get there.
This journey is awesome.
Onwards and upwards xx

sugarbear1

Have you worked step 5 yet?

Jeni26

Long story...started then my sponsor became unwell. Only about a third of the way through sb. Desperate to finish it this week x

Casmasta

This could be my post! (i, too, am 6 months)
Thank you, Jeni!

positivelady67

Mine too.

Ally
x

Dee74

I think you're much more than an overly sensitive, vulnerable alcoholic Jeni

and while I applaud your self analysis I also think your motives are somewhat more altruistic than you're giving yourself credit for here....

but I do agree wholeheartedly that you will make it

D

Jeni26

Yes, I'm possibly being a little hard on myself. Just trying to work out why I'm so devastated by perceived criticism. And from people who I try to help.
It must be because my self-worth is too closely intertwined with my need to make things right for others I guess.

Natom

I believe in you Jeni. Just keep on keeping on. If you work it you're going forwards, if you don't you end up becoming stagnant and then going backwards.

Rosiepetal

Jeni thank you for sharing that with us.
I just know you can do it.
Congrats on 6months, fantastic.

hypochondriac

Don't forget that you have your whole life to be sober, you don't have to fix it all at once. You may feel stretched at the moment but you're coping really well under difficult circumstances Jeni.

It is hard to adapt to taking care of yourself when previously you've been helping or trying to fix other people. I can relate to everything you have said. Especially the criticism thing. Somebody asked me once, 'how do you know what other people are thinking?'. That left me kinda stumped. I realise now that all the stuff I think other people expect of me actually comes from my own expectations. Time to start thinking of yourself a bit more x

You're doing really well Jeni and should be proud of yourself xxx

Applecrumble

Yep, jeni, you will make it!

Grace2

I have faith in you Jeni, you will make it, you are stronger than you know.

*****

jennikate

As usual, Jeni, our progress/journey seems to be on the same track. I too am involved in a helping career and also volunteer work. I really can't imagine doing anything else. But I was talking to my therapist the other day about how my mood is too tied into others. For instance, if my husband is irritated, I feel guilty or like I am somehow to blame. Trying to seperate my feeling from others but I've been like this for so long. It's kinda all I know.

Jeni26

God yes I do that too. In fact I spend a lot of time pre-empting and second guessing what others are thinking and feeling before I try and fix it by altering the way I behave around them!
It is also the only way I know how to be!
I'd forgotten I do that!!

Grace2

And that sounds so like me too, that is exactly what I do!!

Sapling

I was wondering about this...At the beginning of Into Action...They call step five a vital step...It is a vital step....I hope you can get that done....I hope your sponsor is alright. That's a great post Jeni...I can see you growing up in it...I remember my sponsor telling me early on....This program is about growing up.

MIRecovery

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. Once the alcoholic fog lifts and we start working the steps it is absolutely amazing what growth we experience. Keep doing what you are doing and the promises will come true

tomsteve

sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. they will always materialize if we work for them.


keep it up jeni! trudgin can be a bugger, but we always get through it.

Jeni26

Thanks guys. You are all awesome and such a tremendous support to me.
I'm still trudgin', still sober and heading out to a meeting tonight.

I'm trusting in those of you that have walked this path before me, that I will find myself and true happiness if I continue putting the work in.

I will get there. I want it too much to fail x

tomsteve

keep it up. you will get weller.