New here, feeling kind of lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 7
New here, feeling kind of lost
Hello everyone!
I've been reading the forums on here for a while and I've finally decided that its time for me to post. My life has been out of control for way too long now and everyone around me, my family and friends, just don't seem to get it. I really don't have any support. My husband is the only alcoholic that I've ever known. I thought that he was a typical guy in his 20's for the first 5 years of our marriage. For the first years of our marriage, I think I noticed little signs here and there. He would try to control his drinking, try to only drink on Friday and Saturday nights and not before 5 pm. He'd make rules for himself but could never stick to them. He would get very defensive about it if I pointed out that he was drinking on a Monday or a Wednesday or whatever. He'd have some bad nights sometimes where he would get out of control and the next day guilt would set in and he would swear he was never drinking again. He quit every year after the Superbowl! There was always some craziness that night. During those times he could stay sober usually no longer than a month. I didn't really think much of it. I thought maybe he just had some growing up to do and eventually he'd slow down on the drinking. How wrong I was.
Fast forward to February of this year and I could no longer deny that there was a HUGE problem with his drinking. He spiraled so fast I don't even know when it began. At the time, I had a 7 month old son and was 4 months pregnant with our daughter. He started going to the bars on weekends. He would stay out basically until they closed. I wasn't happy about it of course but there was nothing I could say to stop him. About a month or two after that started, he would go to the bars every single day. Some days he wouldn't come home from work at all. He would go straight to the bars and not come home until they closed. I was having complications with my pregnancy at the time and having to care for my son, I was exhausted and just felt completely defeated. If he did come home at all, it was to grab a change of clothes to hit the bars. We never saw him sober anymore. I started realizing then that something was very wrong. He was missing work, which he never does. Hes in the military and that comes first in his life, always has. Thats something I've always admired about him. To see him throwing it all away was devestating. It got to the point that I was hoping they would do something, discipline him, something, anything. I was getting calls constantly asking where he was, it sounds horrible but I told them the truth. They advised him to refer himself to get treatment for alcoholism. He did, but he backed out a week later before he was supposed to go. The command could have referred him but they gave him multiple chances to do it on his own, which never worked because he did not believe that he was an alcoholic. This crap continued for months. My daughter was born in July. I flew my mother here for the last few weeks of my pregnancy because I desparately needed help with my son. I was supposed to be on bedrest and I couldn't because I had no choice but to care for my son and the household. We were "lucky" to see him maybe an hour or two a week. As soon as he'd come home, he would be really anxious, pacing around the room, couldn't sit still. He'd make an excuse to leave, he needed to gas up the car, or run an errand for me, and of course he wouldn't come back until 2 or 3 in the morning when the bars closed. When my mom came finally, she had no idea what was going on. I hadn't told anyone. She was completely shocked. She called my father that night and they both cried on the phone. They were completely and utterly devestated. They loved my husband like hes their own son. It finally hit me, full force, what the situation was. I went into labor on July 6th. Thankfully my mother was there to watch my son. I called my husband kind of freaking out, to bring me to the hospital. My labor started extremely fast. They went from 8 minutes apart to 2 minutes apart and very intense in less than an hour. He was in a bar and told me to take a cab. I did, I managed to get there on time somehow, she was born a half hour later. He got there, drunk after she was born. He stayed an hour then left.
When I brought my daughter home, I didn't expect anything to change. My mother was so angry and begged me to come with her with the babies. I had every intention of doing that. We even packed several rooms of our house up but when it came time to leave, I knew I wasn't ready. I was already making excuses in my head to come back here. She went home and I stayed. I knew there was no future for us here. We have no one here, no support system, we didn't really have time to make friends because he had just gotten orders here. We were alone and isolated. I hated life. All the emotions and hormones and trying to "fix" him. I was completely drained.
In September, my in laws were coming. My 2 BIL's, SIL, MIL, and FIL. It was their first time meeting our son and daughter. My husband went out with my BIL one night to the bars. They were supposed to be picking up my other BIL, and both parents at the airport. They never showed up so my SIL ended up going to the get them. I happened to look outside because I heard a car pull up, and I saw my husband on top of my BIL choking him and punching him repeatedly in the face. I freaked out, I ran my kids upstairs and locked the bedroom door in case they came in the house, I didn't want them around the kids. I looked out again and my BIL wasn't moving, my husband was still beating him. He hit him in the face with a beer bottle. I called the police, I was screaming and frantic, I thought he killed him. The police showed up, my BIL was looking pretty horrible but he was up and talking when they came. They were both saying that they got jumped by someone in the bar. I wasn't the only one who called the police that night, several neighbors also witnessed it and called so they knew that wasn't true. They were both arrested. I was so scared of him at the point. I had never seen him violent before and I had no idea he had that in him. I knew that it was time for us to go. I couldn't have my kids around that if the drinking continued. He spent the weekend in jail. His parents wanted me to bail him out, I refused. I refused his phone calls. He spent 4 days total in jail and bailed himself out. He showed up about a half hour after my in laws left to go home. He cried and cried. I had never seen that before from him. I had nothing to say to him, I felt numb. He told me that he was an alcoholic and he had prayed for the first time when he was in jail and he knew what he had to do now. He started going to AA meetings everyday and decided to go to rehab 2 weeks later. He stayed for the 28 days. Hes been sober almost 60 days now, still going to meetings everyday, sometimes twice a day. Hes reading all these books constantly on staying sober, taking notes in this notebook all the time. I'm happy for him, its great to see him being a dad for the first time. I'm trying to be supportive but I feel like I'm failing. I have so much resentment built up that somedays I can't even look at him. I try so hard to stay out of all this because I know its not my business. This is something he needs to do on his own and I'm trying to stop trying to control everything. Everyday I say the same things, "what time is your meeting tonight?" and I know why I'm doing it. I know what time the meetings are that he goes to, I just want him to say that hes going. I don't understand why I'm so obsessed. I wasn't even like this when he was drinking. It just feels like I have more to lose now somehow? I don't know. I don't know how to handle this at all. I know I need to stop and focus on myself and the kids but I can't get my mind to do that! He gets mad at me too because I still don't trust him. In my mind, why would I? The lies hes told, its just crazy to me. I swear he convinced himself of things. He cheated also. He admitted to that recently so thats another thing I'm trying to work through. I'm probably going to need some counseling but I still feel like I can't leave him alone with our babies. I don't know if thats cruel but their wellbeing comes before his hurt feelings. It goes back to his drinking days. I know how easily he can lie now so that scares me. I will not take a chance of him getting drunk and leaving them or neglecting them while hes supposed to be watching them. So I feel kind of stuck here right now. It still feels like I don't have a husband or partner. I'm just frustrated I guess. I didn't think I'd feel this way, Well, thanks for reading this super long book. It feels good to get it all out there. I have never written it all out before.
I've been reading the forums on here for a while and I've finally decided that its time for me to post. My life has been out of control for way too long now and everyone around me, my family and friends, just don't seem to get it. I really don't have any support. My husband is the only alcoholic that I've ever known. I thought that he was a typical guy in his 20's for the first 5 years of our marriage. For the first years of our marriage, I think I noticed little signs here and there. He would try to control his drinking, try to only drink on Friday and Saturday nights and not before 5 pm. He'd make rules for himself but could never stick to them. He would get very defensive about it if I pointed out that he was drinking on a Monday or a Wednesday or whatever. He'd have some bad nights sometimes where he would get out of control and the next day guilt would set in and he would swear he was never drinking again. He quit every year after the Superbowl! There was always some craziness that night. During those times he could stay sober usually no longer than a month. I didn't really think much of it. I thought maybe he just had some growing up to do and eventually he'd slow down on the drinking. How wrong I was.
Fast forward to February of this year and I could no longer deny that there was a HUGE problem with his drinking. He spiraled so fast I don't even know when it began. At the time, I had a 7 month old son and was 4 months pregnant with our daughter. He started going to the bars on weekends. He would stay out basically until they closed. I wasn't happy about it of course but there was nothing I could say to stop him. About a month or two after that started, he would go to the bars every single day. Some days he wouldn't come home from work at all. He would go straight to the bars and not come home until they closed. I was having complications with my pregnancy at the time and having to care for my son, I was exhausted and just felt completely defeated. If he did come home at all, it was to grab a change of clothes to hit the bars. We never saw him sober anymore. I started realizing then that something was very wrong. He was missing work, which he never does. Hes in the military and that comes first in his life, always has. Thats something I've always admired about him. To see him throwing it all away was devestating. It got to the point that I was hoping they would do something, discipline him, something, anything. I was getting calls constantly asking where he was, it sounds horrible but I told them the truth. They advised him to refer himself to get treatment for alcoholism. He did, but he backed out a week later before he was supposed to go. The command could have referred him but they gave him multiple chances to do it on his own, which never worked because he did not believe that he was an alcoholic. This crap continued for months. My daughter was born in July. I flew my mother here for the last few weeks of my pregnancy because I desparately needed help with my son. I was supposed to be on bedrest and I couldn't because I had no choice but to care for my son and the household. We were "lucky" to see him maybe an hour or two a week. As soon as he'd come home, he would be really anxious, pacing around the room, couldn't sit still. He'd make an excuse to leave, he needed to gas up the car, or run an errand for me, and of course he wouldn't come back until 2 or 3 in the morning when the bars closed. When my mom came finally, she had no idea what was going on. I hadn't told anyone. She was completely shocked. She called my father that night and they both cried on the phone. They were completely and utterly devestated. They loved my husband like hes their own son. It finally hit me, full force, what the situation was. I went into labor on July 6th. Thankfully my mother was there to watch my son. I called my husband kind of freaking out, to bring me to the hospital. My labor started extremely fast. They went from 8 minutes apart to 2 minutes apart and very intense in less than an hour. He was in a bar and told me to take a cab. I did, I managed to get there on time somehow, she was born a half hour later. He got there, drunk after she was born. He stayed an hour then left.
When I brought my daughter home, I didn't expect anything to change. My mother was so angry and begged me to come with her with the babies. I had every intention of doing that. We even packed several rooms of our house up but when it came time to leave, I knew I wasn't ready. I was already making excuses in my head to come back here. She went home and I stayed. I knew there was no future for us here. We have no one here, no support system, we didn't really have time to make friends because he had just gotten orders here. We were alone and isolated. I hated life. All the emotions and hormones and trying to "fix" him. I was completely drained.
In September, my in laws were coming. My 2 BIL's, SIL, MIL, and FIL. It was their first time meeting our son and daughter. My husband went out with my BIL one night to the bars. They were supposed to be picking up my other BIL, and both parents at the airport. They never showed up so my SIL ended up going to the get them. I happened to look outside because I heard a car pull up, and I saw my husband on top of my BIL choking him and punching him repeatedly in the face. I freaked out, I ran my kids upstairs and locked the bedroom door in case they came in the house, I didn't want them around the kids. I looked out again and my BIL wasn't moving, my husband was still beating him. He hit him in the face with a beer bottle. I called the police, I was screaming and frantic, I thought he killed him. The police showed up, my BIL was looking pretty horrible but he was up and talking when they came. They were both saying that they got jumped by someone in the bar. I wasn't the only one who called the police that night, several neighbors also witnessed it and called so they knew that wasn't true. They were both arrested. I was so scared of him at the point. I had never seen him violent before and I had no idea he had that in him. I knew that it was time for us to go. I couldn't have my kids around that if the drinking continued. He spent the weekend in jail. His parents wanted me to bail him out, I refused. I refused his phone calls. He spent 4 days total in jail and bailed himself out. He showed up about a half hour after my in laws left to go home. He cried and cried. I had never seen that before from him. I had nothing to say to him, I felt numb. He told me that he was an alcoholic and he had prayed for the first time when he was in jail and he knew what he had to do now. He started going to AA meetings everyday and decided to go to rehab 2 weeks later. He stayed for the 28 days. Hes been sober almost 60 days now, still going to meetings everyday, sometimes twice a day. Hes reading all these books constantly on staying sober, taking notes in this notebook all the time. I'm happy for him, its great to see him being a dad for the first time. I'm trying to be supportive but I feel like I'm failing. I have so much resentment built up that somedays I can't even look at him. I try so hard to stay out of all this because I know its not my business. This is something he needs to do on his own and I'm trying to stop trying to control everything. Everyday I say the same things, "what time is your meeting tonight?" and I know why I'm doing it. I know what time the meetings are that he goes to, I just want him to say that hes going. I don't understand why I'm so obsessed. I wasn't even like this when he was drinking. It just feels like I have more to lose now somehow? I don't know. I don't know how to handle this at all. I know I need to stop and focus on myself and the kids but I can't get my mind to do that! He gets mad at me too because I still don't trust him. In my mind, why would I? The lies hes told, its just crazy to me. I swear he convinced himself of things. He cheated also. He admitted to that recently so thats another thing I'm trying to work through. I'm probably going to need some counseling but I still feel like I can't leave him alone with our babies. I don't know if thats cruel but their wellbeing comes before his hurt feelings. It goes back to his drinking days. I know how easily he can lie now so that scares me. I will not take a chance of him getting drunk and leaving them or neglecting them while hes supposed to be watching them. So I feel kind of stuck here right now. It still feels like I don't have a husband or partner. I'm just frustrated I guess. I didn't think I'd feel this way, Well, thanks for reading this super long book. It feels good to get it all out there. I have never written it all out before.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
hey
i am all too familiar with your words. i think alot of people on here will suprise you as to how they too watched posts forums on here and then finally built up to writting themselves. i too was in denial for awhile about my ah thinking he could fix it, i could fix it and that he needed to grow up. sadly alcoholism without treatment gets worse and my ah too has been in jail because of it and like yours had moments of missing work, jail, violent,staying out, not being home, missing important engagements etc.
that is typical of this disease and it sounded like your ah was in denial for awhile about his alcoholism . i am glad to hear that he has sought recovery and is doing what he needs to be doing. i fully understand when you say that you need to heal yourself and that there has been so much that it is haunting you. this is true for me as well but i think about my goal in this relationship and for myself and i find apropriate ways to deal with my feelings ie posting on here, talking to family/friends and others will inform you that al anon can help as well. i have not been to one yet but i can see how it would help.
you stated that you know its wrong but you told the military that he was drinking etc....that is not wrong! do not protect him from the consequences of his drinking...that my friend is called enabling and everytime someone swoops in and saves him it pushes back his recovery. i know how you feel, scared, hurt, frustrated,angry and embarrassed. i too have felt all these emotions and i too didnt want to tell others about my ah's drining probelm...i wanted to pretend "once i knew it was a problem" that it was ok and not that bad. so i didnt reach out to family or friends. dont be ashamed ...reach out to people and tell them what is on your mind. tell them your struggles and your joys. in the end bottling up these feelings may make you more resentful but do be supportive of his recovery. let him do his thing and you do yours. go to al anon, talk to people, post on here, go shopping, be with friends and release the idea that your in control of him.
Take a deep breath...support, love and take care of yourself.
i am all too familiar with your words. i think alot of people on here will suprise you as to how they too watched posts forums on here and then finally built up to writting themselves. i too was in denial for awhile about my ah thinking he could fix it, i could fix it and that he needed to grow up. sadly alcoholism without treatment gets worse and my ah too has been in jail because of it and like yours had moments of missing work, jail, violent,staying out, not being home, missing important engagements etc.
that is typical of this disease and it sounded like your ah was in denial for awhile about his alcoholism . i am glad to hear that he has sought recovery and is doing what he needs to be doing. i fully understand when you say that you need to heal yourself and that there has been so much that it is haunting you. this is true for me as well but i think about my goal in this relationship and for myself and i find apropriate ways to deal with my feelings ie posting on here, talking to family/friends and others will inform you that al anon can help as well. i have not been to one yet but i can see how it would help.
you stated that you know its wrong but you told the military that he was drinking etc....that is not wrong! do not protect him from the consequences of his drinking...that my friend is called enabling and everytime someone swoops in and saves him it pushes back his recovery. i know how you feel, scared, hurt, frustrated,angry and embarrassed. i too have felt all these emotions and i too didnt want to tell others about my ah's drining probelm...i wanted to pretend "once i knew it was a problem" that it was ok and not that bad. so i didnt reach out to family or friends. dont be ashamed ...reach out to people and tell them what is on your mind. tell them your struggles and your joys. in the end bottling up these feelings may make you more resentful but do be supportive of his recovery. let him do his thing and you do yours. go to al anon, talk to people, post on here, go shopping, be with friends and release the idea that your in control of him.
Take a deep breath...support, love and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Abby, you have good instincts. You may doubt yourself and how you handled his drinking, but you did pretty much the best you could have. Far better than I'd have managed, I can tell you that!!! And I fully agree that the children's well-being is more important than his feelings. His actions have consequences, one of which is that trust must be earned back.
It sounds like he is doing well in his recovery. What about yours? You mentioned counselling. What kind of resources are there in your community? Are there teens who could babysit, maybe in their homes if that feels safer, so you can take care of yourself? Is there an Alanon meeting nearby? I understand that some of them offer childcare. Read as much as you can, both about alcoholism and codependence. The bottom line is that you have been wounded by these betrayals and you'll need support in your own healing. There are many people here on SR who've been where you are, and they will have so much to offer you. Keep coming back.
It sounds like he is doing well in his recovery. What about yours? You mentioned counselling. What kind of resources are there in your community? Are there teens who could babysit, maybe in their homes if that feels safer, so you can take care of yourself? Is there an Alanon meeting nearby? I understand that some of them offer childcare. Read as much as you can, both about alcoholism and codependence. The bottom line is that you have been wounded by these betrayals and you'll need support in your own healing. There are many people here on SR who've been where you are, and they will have so much to offer you. Keep coming back.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. You are among peers who understand. You are not alone.
I think you have handled yourself well in these circumstances. You are a good mom!
While he is focused on his recovery, this may be a chance for you to begin to focus on your recovery from living with active addiction.
What you describe (asking when his meetings are) my be a pattern of anticipating the next crisis. Your focus in on his behavior.
Your resentments are valid feelings and you can learn to release them with help.
Things that have helped me release my resentments were Alanon meetings, participating here at SR and reading self-improvement books. I know the military has resources available for family members, and someone with more experience there may be along to share soon.
I think you are doing a great job in reaching out. Keep reaching out, we care about you!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. You are among peers who understand. You are not alone.
I think you have handled yourself well in these circumstances. You are a good mom!
While he is focused on his recovery, this may be a chance for you to begin to focus on your recovery from living with active addiction.
What you describe (asking when his meetings are) my be a pattern of anticipating the next crisis. Your focus in on his behavior.
Your resentments are valid feelings and you can learn to release them with help.
Things that have helped me release my resentments were Alanon meetings, participating here at SR and reading self-improvement books. I know the military has resources available for family members, and someone with more experience there may be along to share soon.
I think you are doing a great job in reaching out. Keep reaching out, we care about you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
My first husband was similar to yours..and my life was somewhat similar to yours. the chaos was incredible. when he sobered up, i think somewhere deep inside me (i was pretty young at the time) i missed the chaos...that my own problems craved that dysfunction. he was trying to be the best he could be and i was sabotaging him. he apologized for all the crap he put me and the kids through. that took a lot for him to do. but, it was never enough for me. i know NOW that all of that was totally my problem. i should have tried to get healthy myself (alanon, etc) but i never did. that marriage ended after 11 years, and four great kids. i finally addressed all my issues a few years ago and i can see clearly now. God bless you and i wish the best for you and your family. it will be worth it in the long run, if you can get some help for yourself. the kids will thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 7
Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I appreciate the support so much. I must have really weird timing or something, maybe I sensed something was off with my husband but he relapsed today. Hes still in the bar right now. I texted him and asked him if he would please find somewhere else to sleep tonight. I can't have him drunk around the kids and I anymore. He never replied so I'm a bit nervous for him to come home. I'm pretty crushed but trying to stay strong for my little munchkins. But I'm definitely falling apart inside. I know nothing is ever guaranteed but he seemed to be doing so well so I'm just so sad. I didn't isolate myself though like I usually would and I called and talked to my parents. It felt pretty good actually to get it out there. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know if I'm ready to leave him. Its so sick that I love him so much. I saw the husband I fell in love with coming back to me, a little bit at a time but the old personality starting coming through and it hurts that this is starting all over again. He seemed happy, it was seriously awesome to see him playing with our babies for the first time and actually enjoying himself. I hate this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
If I could write all the things I hate about alcoholism ......destroyer of lives.
I am dealing with relapse. I am not sure I will ever trust him again.
Do you have somewhere else you can go tonight? I am sure with the 2 little ones not convenient but perhaps a hotel? I worry about his temper and I feel sorrow for you because I know that sinking pit of your stomach feeling worrying what the hell is going to happen. Its simply no way to live (though I also understand why we do).
Might you go and stay with your parents for awhile to get yourself to a safe zone? It might make him decide to make the right choice and give you time to set the boundaries that you can and can't live with.
My AH got threatening with me one night recently - its scary. I don't want that to happen to you.
Take care I am sending prayers.
I am dealing with relapse. I am not sure I will ever trust him again.
Do you have somewhere else you can go tonight? I am sure with the 2 little ones not convenient but perhaps a hotel? I worry about his temper and I feel sorrow for you because I know that sinking pit of your stomach feeling worrying what the hell is going to happen. Its simply no way to live (though I also understand why we do).
Might you go and stay with your parents for awhile to get yourself to a safe zone? It might make him decide to make the right choice and give you time to set the boundaries that you can and can't live with.
My AH got threatening with me one night recently - its scary. I don't want that to happen to you.
Take care I am sending prayers.
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