Pacification.......
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Pacification.......
Hi All,
This seems to be the theme in my life the last week and much further back now that I think about..............Pacification, Pacifying so someone can have their cake and eat it too. My, surprise, surprise S.O.
I wrote a break-up letter this morning to him, I ;ve put it in my Big Book to think about it for 2 weeks.
Pacification............what a manipulative,dishonest,self-seeking,abusive form of CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Controlling Men what goes along with the control is ABUSE EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL.
Anyone have any experience,strength and hope with this????????????
This seems to be the theme in my life the last week and much further back now that I think about..............Pacification, Pacifying so someone can have their cake and eat it too. My, surprise, surprise S.O.
I wrote a break-up letter this morning to him, I ;ve put it in my Big Book to think about it for 2 weeks.
Pacification............what a manipulative,dishonest,self-seeking,abusive form of CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Controlling Men what goes along with the control is ABUSE EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL.
Anyone have any experience,strength and hope with this????????????
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
The last two years of my marriage, I didn't speak to AH unless I was spoken to. I limited my responses, when they were required, to "Mmm-hmmm" and "Oh." AH never noticed the difference. He tried to pick fights, but after two of them, I got wise to the manipulation.
He could treat anyone well except me.
He could treat anyone well except me.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Wow Earthworm...really good question. I am going to mull that over and then reply because I do have experience with that and so much of it that I need to compose my thoughts. But I had to say what a great question that is.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Pacification seems a bit manipulative and condescending, so I guess you are right, it IS a form of control, and not a healthy way of interacting.
But options are so limited when living with an addict. You do what you have to to get along until you can get out.
It's a terrible long term strategy though.
But options are so limited when living with an addict. You do what you have to to get along until you can get out.
It's a terrible long term strategy though.
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You know I;ve been reading about emotional and mental abuse for the last 2 hours.
We know when something isn,t right and finally I found it,what fit.
Withholding ,not validating anothers emotions, refusing to talk,put-downs while talking then pacifying....all forms of abuse mental and emotional.
We know when something isn,t right and finally I found it,what fit.
Withholding ,not validating anothers emotions, refusing to talk,put-downs while talking then pacifying....all forms of abuse mental and emotional.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Ok, so I gave this some thought. My AH is professional pacificationist. He recently started AA in earnest after I told him we were done living together. He stopped drinking the week before we (son and I) left. He is still being a pacificationist.
Here's how I see it. He drinks. He becomes an AH (and I don't mean alcoholic husband). I withdraw, avoid, defend myself (stupid I know), sit and listen to his alcoholic rants, etc -- NOW who's the pacificationist???????????
AH gets up in the morning like nothing happened, all cheery and lovey. But....he knows deep down based on my withdrawal and closed stance that he f'd up. So begins the pacification process. Let me make you breakfast, I started the laundry for you, do you want a cup of coffee, I will take (son) out to play so you have time to yourself etc etc etc.
And why does he do this? Is it because he is such a great guy? Is it because he is really sorry that he was the worst kind of a** to me last night? Nope. He is buttering me up so that I don't get mad and confront him. He does NOT want that to happen, doesn't want to look at what he did, he would rather not remember. He is pacifying me for tonight when he is an a** again. Selfish? Yup. Condescending? Yup. Controlling? Yup. It is all about him, keeping what he has, keeping the status quo, all for him-so he "can have his cake (or beer) and eat it too".
Does he even know he is doing it? Nope. In his mind, he is a great husband. Look! He made me breakfast, did laundry, vacuumed the house, played with the kid, cleaned out the garage, cleaned up the kitchen etc etc etc. Here's where condescension comes in: I am supposed to be so grateful for the life of luxury we live in (debts up the wazoo and all!). I am supposed to turn a blind eye to his a**holeness and drinking and in turn, I get the life of luxury and left handed compliments. And if I do this, then I get to keep being pacified.
Blackmail anyone???? What a vicious cycle it becomes. But the tricky part is that we both end up pacificationists. Isn't that what "walking on eggshells" is all about?
When he realized that pacification was not working, he was off kilter. First he tried harder. Then he kept trying to get me to do things together that HE thought I always wanted to do. (Huh? I never ever said I wanted to this thing!) Then the frustration began...What do you want from me? Um...stop drinking, stop destroying the family....something like that. The he withdraws...he can't hear that. Then the next stage is "how about if I am just nasty and wear her down".
Once we get wise to what pacification is about, we can find constructive ways to detach, protect ourselves and/or move on.
Just for the record...I really hate the word pacify now.
Here's how I see it. He drinks. He becomes an AH (and I don't mean alcoholic husband). I withdraw, avoid, defend myself (stupid I know), sit and listen to his alcoholic rants, etc -- NOW who's the pacificationist???????????
AH gets up in the morning like nothing happened, all cheery and lovey. But....he knows deep down based on my withdrawal and closed stance that he f'd up. So begins the pacification process. Let me make you breakfast, I started the laundry for you, do you want a cup of coffee, I will take (son) out to play so you have time to yourself etc etc etc.
And why does he do this? Is it because he is such a great guy? Is it because he is really sorry that he was the worst kind of a** to me last night? Nope. He is buttering me up so that I don't get mad and confront him. He does NOT want that to happen, doesn't want to look at what he did, he would rather not remember. He is pacifying me for tonight when he is an a** again. Selfish? Yup. Condescending? Yup. Controlling? Yup. It is all about him, keeping what he has, keeping the status quo, all for him-so he "can have his cake (or beer) and eat it too".
Does he even know he is doing it? Nope. In his mind, he is a great husband. Look! He made me breakfast, did laundry, vacuumed the house, played with the kid, cleaned out the garage, cleaned up the kitchen etc etc etc. Here's where condescension comes in: I am supposed to be so grateful for the life of luxury we live in (debts up the wazoo and all!). I am supposed to turn a blind eye to his a**holeness and drinking and in turn, I get the life of luxury and left handed compliments. And if I do this, then I get to keep being pacified.
Blackmail anyone???? What a vicious cycle it becomes. But the tricky part is that we both end up pacificationists. Isn't that what "walking on eggshells" is all about?
When he realized that pacification was not working, he was off kilter. First he tried harder. Then he kept trying to get me to do things together that HE thought I always wanted to do. (Huh? I never ever said I wanted to this thing!) Then the frustration began...What do you want from me? Um...stop drinking, stop destroying the family....something like that. The he withdraws...he can't hear that. Then the next stage is "how about if I am just nasty and wear her down".
Once we get wise to what pacification is about, we can find constructive ways to detach, protect ourselves and/or move on.
Just for the record...I really hate the word pacify now.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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I'm new here so I'm not sure what this big book is about earthworm. It sounds like a good idea to write a letter and put it away and revisit it later down the road so you aren't acting on emotions. Smart! I think I will do this.
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Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm a recovering A for the past 14.5 years.
It's good when we can finally put our finger and wrap our brain around what is happening. Ha ha ha and to think I was walking around thinking that with him being 35 years sober that this couldn't be happening. But............that's what happens when you HIDE behind the A.A program rather than WORK your A.A program. Don't continue peeling the onion to get better.
And that's okay because I can certainly keep peeling the onion of my A.A/Alanon/ACOA programs and keep getting better.
I spoke to someone yesterday who is literally word for word going through the EXACT same thing I am, she was talking and it was the EXACT same feelings,I was feeling, the same situation, everything. So there, I was validated, I got heard and respected and came to a resolution with the situation and felt 10 times better.
I haven't been able to figure out what has been going on, why did I always walk away after TRYING to talk about something and feel like I hadn't been heard,respected and nothing had been resolved and I was still carrying those feelings. Well now I know because basically I wasn't. And I'm glad now I know,it's emotional and verbal abuse through and through.
Well awareness, acceptance and action. Awareness is half the battle.
I read the sticky at the top about the mind of the abuser and it was very eye-opening and enlightening and really fit the situation.
It's good when we can finally put our finger and wrap our brain around what is happening. Ha ha ha and to think I was walking around thinking that with him being 35 years sober that this couldn't be happening. But............that's what happens when you HIDE behind the A.A program rather than WORK your A.A program. Don't continue peeling the onion to get better.
And that's okay because I can certainly keep peeling the onion of my A.A/Alanon/ACOA programs and keep getting better.
I spoke to someone yesterday who is literally word for word going through the EXACT same thing I am, she was talking and it was the EXACT same feelings,I was feeling, the same situation, everything. So there, I was validated, I got heard and respected and came to a resolution with the situation and felt 10 times better.
I haven't been able to figure out what has been going on, why did I always walk away after TRYING to talk about something and feel like I hadn't been heard,respected and nothing had been resolved and I was still carrying those feelings. Well now I know because basically I wasn't. And I'm glad now I know,it's emotional and verbal abuse through and through.
Well awareness, acceptance and action. Awareness is half the battle.
I read the sticky at the top about the mind of the abuser and it was very eye-opening and enlightening and really fit the situation.
Originally Posted by Polkadots 
I'm new here so I'm not sure what this big book is about earthworm. It sounds like a good idea to write a letter and put it away and revisit it later down the road so you aren't acting on emotions. Smart! I think I will do this.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
I can only say what things I did that I felt were constructive ways to detach in my situation. I can say first that I still love my AH. (Sometimes I wonder why) I can explain my process of trying to understand and apply detachment to my life.
It was hard to detach because I lived in a fog of confusion. I first started by looking at what the reality of my situation was. This was hard, because I wanted to see the reality, and when I really really looked at it, it was ugly. For me, my process was that after leaving him repeatedly, and going back and repeating the same crap, I had to detach differently this time, so I had to really see what I didn't want to see. No more telling myself stories that sugar coat my life. Awareness.
After peeling THAT onion and realizing that I really was with someone that absolutely could not ever meet my needs. Ever. And even though I do believe that somewhere in him he really loves me, he already has his 1st love, his alcohol, and is incapable of fulfilling my needs. Acceptance.
So I went for a period of time where I let that settle in and started to detach from the daily drama. I chose how I would handle some of the stuff I knew I would face every day. Example: I could not ever depend on that fact that he would remember ANYTHING I said about anything. I could tell him that I had an appointment for something 6 times and the day of the appointment, he would ask why didn't I tell him? Huh? Before my detaching, I would engage, tell him I told him 6 times in a frustrated way etc--Kind of like "what the he** is wrong with you!". After detaching, I would simply remove the emotion from it. I would say, "I did tell you and I wrote it on the calendar. See ya later." I am not saying I didn't have frustration and irritation, I just didn't show it to him because if I did, it would just escalate into ugly and it didn't change the fact that he doesn't remember--that's the reality. But I found that when I did that, I felt calmer.
I think the most constructive way that I detached was just that: remove the emotion/frustration/anger out of every dealing I had with him. It does a couple of things for me.
1. I don't have to go through the ups and downs of anger all day long-better for my insides.
2. When he didn't feel attacked, things were much calmer. Not that I attacked mind you, just that if he even thought that I was mad at him, he would get all defensive and mean and go on and on...I wanted to avoid that quacking.
3. I felt better. I felt calm as I went about my business doing what I did for the family.
I really felt better once I saw how things really were without rose colored glasses. After my step one of removing emotional exchanges with AH, I moved to step 2 for me when I was ready: Go about my business of LIVING-without him coming along. I had cut a lot of things out of my life due to embarrassment from his behavior while drinking and so I started adding some things back in. He didn't like it much since we were supposedly supposed to be attached at the hip for everything.
I guess for me, constructive detachment meant healthy for me--not what was healthy for "us". What was healthy for me was to detach from the pain of all the emotions and start living. I wasn't in the place where I was trying to fix us anymore. But it was an experiment in "Can I live this way? Do I want to live this way for the sake of our son/keeping the family together?". Ultimately, the answer was no. We left my AH- Action. But the detachment process was very important. It allowed me to step back and see reality, to sort my feelings without the vortex of his anger fog.
Ultimately, I chose to remove the passive-aggressive abuse from my life because yes, it is abusive. I also decided that I preferred to be alone with my thoughts than to be with someone who said they wanted to hear what I had to say, hear my feelings, but only pretended to hear me to pacify me. I decided that I deserved better--even if it was only me doing it for myself.
Sorry to go on and on....
Hugs Earthworm. I think it's great that you wrote out your break up letter and are holding it for 2 weeks. Even if you decide not to use it, it is such a great way to visit reality.
It was hard to detach because I lived in a fog of confusion. I first started by looking at what the reality of my situation was. This was hard, because I wanted to see the reality, and when I really really looked at it, it was ugly. For me, my process was that after leaving him repeatedly, and going back and repeating the same crap, I had to detach differently this time, so I had to really see what I didn't want to see. No more telling myself stories that sugar coat my life. Awareness.
After peeling THAT onion and realizing that I really was with someone that absolutely could not ever meet my needs. Ever. And even though I do believe that somewhere in him he really loves me, he already has his 1st love, his alcohol, and is incapable of fulfilling my needs. Acceptance.
So I went for a period of time where I let that settle in and started to detach from the daily drama. I chose how I would handle some of the stuff I knew I would face every day. Example: I could not ever depend on that fact that he would remember ANYTHING I said about anything. I could tell him that I had an appointment for something 6 times and the day of the appointment, he would ask why didn't I tell him? Huh? Before my detaching, I would engage, tell him I told him 6 times in a frustrated way etc--Kind of like "what the he** is wrong with you!". After detaching, I would simply remove the emotion from it. I would say, "I did tell you and I wrote it on the calendar. See ya later." I am not saying I didn't have frustration and irritation, I just didn't show it to him because if I did, it would just escalate into ugly and it didn't change the fact that he doesn't remember--that's the reality. But I found that when I did that, I felt calmer.
I think the most constructive way that I detached was just that: remove the emotion/frustration/anger out of every dealing I had with him. It does a couple of things for me.
1. I don't have to go through the ups and downs of anger all day long-better for my insides.
2. When he didn't feel attacked, things were much calmer. Not that I attacked mind you, just that if he even thought that I was mad at him, he would get all defensive and mean and go on and on...I wanted to avoid that quacking.
3. I felt better. I felt calm as I went about my business doing what I did for the family.
I really felt better once I saw how things really were without rose colored glasses. After my step one of removing emotional exchanges with AH, I moved to step 2 for me when I was ready: Go about my business of LIVING-without him coming along. I had cut a lot of things out of my life due to embarrassment from his behavior while drinking and so I started adding some things back in. He didn't like it much since we were supposedly supposed to be attached at the hip for everything.
I guess for me, constructive detachment meant healthy for me--not what was healthy for "us". What was healthy for me was to detach from the pain of all the emotions and start living. I wasn't in the place where I was trying to fix us anymore. But it was an experiment in "Can I live this way? Do I want to live this way for the sake of our son/keeping the family together?". Ultimately, the answer was no. We left my AH- Action. But the detachment process was very important. It allowed me to step back and see reality, to sort my feelings without the vortex of his anger fog.
Ultimately, I chose to remove the passive-aggressive abuse from my life because yes, it is abusive. I also decided that I preferred to be alone with my thoughts than to be with someone who said they wanted to hear what I had to say, hear my feelings, but only pretended to hear me to pacify me. I decided that I deserved better--even if it was only me doing it for myself.
Sorry to go on and on....
Hugs Earthworm. I think it's great that you wrote out your break up letter and are holding it for 2 weeks. Even if you decide not to use it, it is such a great way to visit reality.
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