FatallyUncool

Hi Everyone,

I'm 41, trying to find some peace in my relationship with my Dad and other aspects of my life. Dad left a voicemail asking me to email him and let him know what he can do to improve our relationship and get me to visit him and my Mom for Thanksgiving.

He inadvertently gave me the opportunity to do something that feels really healthy and good for me. With great difficulty, I typed and sent this, a real departure for me, as I've managed to hold these feelings in and avoid boundaries for over 20 years. No response.

Not sure why I'm posting it, maybe it just feels good to share. I've got plenty of war stories, too, but you've probably heard or experienced them already. Maybe just seeking approval. I have that problem, so look out!

Been lurking in this group for a while, now, and I'm grateful for the good stuff you share here. I have also posted comments in the substance abuse forums recently. Whee!


Hi Dad,

I told you last Thanksgiving that I would not be coming back next year. I have already made plans with ____ to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family.

I get very few days off from work to get away and relax. I am not interested in being around the toxic environment that is your house during that time, and the anxiety I get in the days leading up to the visit. This is a direct result of your anger and your drinking. Mom may be willing to put up with this, but I am not, although I have for many years.

You have told me in the past that you would be different, and act civilly around me and my grandparents, but you were either unwilling or unable to do so. You have also lied about quitting drinking, and lied to my face the last two visits, denying that you had been drinking when it was obvious to me that you had. Your addiction to alcohol causes you to say things that aren't true.

You have called me several times in the last few years, belligerent and intoxicated. You have hung up on me several times also. I do not deserve this. This is why I do not call you or accept calls from you after noon. I think it is less likely that you will be like this in the morning.

I don't think you can be happy like this, but you are either unwilling or unable to control your anger and quit drinking, even though the benefits to changing these aspects of your life would be boundless.

I think you need medical and professional help for these problems, but you must be ready to make the changes. Of course, there are no guarantees. It won't be easy, and your problems with Mom won't disappear, but from my perspective, it is worth a try. I know you blame Mom for some or all of your problems, and I know there is a lot of anger from both of you, but she is not responsible for your behavior. Only you are. You need to take care of you, emotionally and spiritually, regardless of how you feel about Mom.

I cannot be 100% certain that a treatment program will be successful, but I am fairly certain that without getting help for your problems, you will end up injuring or killing yourself or someone else in an accident, or in a hospital or dead soon from what drinking does to your body. If you choose to get help, I will support you in every way I can. I will go to counseling with you. I will take you to the treatment center. Anything.

Other that this, I don't know what you can do to change. I wish there was something you or I could do, trust me. I know what you and I have done in the past has not worked.

Dad, I love you so much. You have done so much for me and I have so many great memories of us doing things together. Road trips, soccer, cub scouts, tetherball, my fraternity room, too many to list. I am so grateful for these things, and to have you as my Dad. That's why I want things to be better and I know you do too.

All my love,
_______
143

PaperDolls

Wow. That's good stuff.

Thanks for sharing.

Mracoa

Thanks for sharing! Great letter.

Jur123

Very good. I was thinking to write something similar to my sister for a long time now

DavidG

There are some members of my family where the damage is long past repair.
want to change that, to go back to the way things were, a long time ago. Our dad decided not to change- and things just went from bad to worse.

He took some of the family with him... I bailed out and got into change and recovery- and that had a big impact on my own kids and grand-kids. I have to accept that others in the family had that choice to join me.

I supported out dad financially- paying to keep him in his home to some extent. He must have resented that amongst other things because I was disinherited. When he died we had the baillif at the door and we lost our own home and property. Court action from family is about the end of the line. I do miss them and I do have some happy memories... but that is all.

-D.

youbetcha

I go through a similar thing at this time of year also. While I do have phone contact w/my folks probably a couple times a month(I live 1,500 miles away), when Thanksgiving comes there's always the "are you coming" stuff which starts weeks in advance and stresses me out as well. This year when the pressure started, I sent an email saying "I need to focus on what I'm doing here right now(work), I'll let you know what I'm doing about Thanksgiving next week," not 5 minutes after my Dad responds to my email that he understands, I get a call from my Sister who rarely if ever calls me, probing for information etc. This really upset me, because I felt like my Dad probably told her to call me to see if I was coming. It's all typical alcoholic family stuff. So today I called my Dad just to reiterate as kindly but directly as possible that I said I'd let them know if I was coming after my work week was over. He said he understood and I felt empowered and relaxed again. Boundaries and directness are wonderful things. Thanks for your post and happy Thanksgiving.

EveningRose

No response to the letter? How long since he received it?

My experience with this is my AF also asking me what's wrong, what am I upset about. When I laid it all out for him--specific words and actions--it was on the phone. He sort of had to respond. And his response was, "None of that ever happened. You imagined it all."

I offer this in the sense that I suspect this is the typical response from alcoholics or dysfunctional family--to want to know what's wrong, and then disregard it or tell you you're crazy for saying so, that none of it happened.

For me, it just helps to learn here, from others, what is typical, because then I quit taking it personally and get a better understanding of what's going on in the alcoholic's head.

FatallyUncool

youbetcha,

Thank you for your reply. I'm glad you are setting boundaries. It is one of the only things we can do in what I feel is a pretty helpless situation. It is taking me a long time to learn and understand this. In my family, I have always put all my energy into walking on eggshells, and forgiving everything for fear of making things worse.

Thanksgiving is such a good holiday for most people. After the holiday, all my friends would ask "how was your Thanksgiving, did you have a nice time with your family?" I would always lie and say it was fine. This will be the first one I have not spent with both of my parents in many years. It will be weird, but much better, I think. I also understand the probing questions and secret conversations and motives you mentioned.

FatallyUncool

Evening Rose,

I appreciate your reply, also. It has been over a week and no reply. I can't even be sure he received it but I think he did. He doesn't deny any of this, or tell me I'm crazy, but he does with my mom. Most of the things in the email, I have mentioned in conversations.

The last day of my visits were always stressful, because I work up a speech of things I need to get off my chest and I corner my Dad right before I go and have a confrontational conversation. He usually says ok, says he'll try, or gets upset or mad, and then I go home. It didn't work, but made me feel better, sort of, because doing nothing and feeling helpless is so hard.

I never know what he remembers or blocks out. For instance, the few times he calls me, it is always in the afternoon or at night, even though I have asked him several times not to. That is another reason why this letter was good for me, there can be no forgetting or misinterpreting it.

I believe he asked me to email him, hoping I ask him to make a promise or apologize or some other thing that is short-term and cannot be disproved, like attending an AA meeting. He is good at saying the right things, and I believe that he was hoping to say something to make things better, but not actually do anything.

He alternates from being emotional and crying and apologetic to angry and stand-offish, to a mean jerk. He has told me in tears that he needs help.

I'm not angry anymore, just sad. My mom is not innocent in their problems, either. She is also angry and tries to exert control over him to make up for...how she feels, something.

I'm an only child, so I feel a lot of responsibility to do something to help, but I'm starting to accept that I cannot. Unfortunately, this feels a lot like sticking my head in the sand, not helping. I'm worried about having regrets one day, "I should have..."

"For me, it just helps to learn here, from others, what is typical, because then I quit taking it personally and get a better understanding of what's going on in the alcoholic's head."

Thank you this means a lot to me.

Thank you all for your support.

FatallyUncool

David G, that is really lousy. Thank you for sharing this, it is good to know that I'm not the only one with these kinds of problems, and that some succeed in moving on in what seems like a healthy way.

tromboneliness

They love to do that -- say whatever they think will get you to feel "sympathetic" to whatever it is their self-inflicted predicament is.

The "I should have..." is another one that, well, is going to be there. This came up recently -- I remember going to a meeting where someone had left their alcoholic, after giving up on fixing them, and a week or so later, the guy committed suicide. The thing is, we spend our WHOLE LIVES with the alcoholics trying to figure out and do the thing we "should have done" -- that one, final, miraculous step that makes them all of a sudden give up booze.

The thing is, there isn't one. With my wife, even though I eventually organized an intervention (facilitated by a professional intervention counselor, who cost several thousand dollars to show up for one day and make it happen -- best money we ever spent), that was still NOT MY DOING. She said afterwards that she wanted to get sober but that it was too scary to do on her own. We gave her a kick in the b*tt, and it worked -- but it was not that miraculous step that made her give up booze, because there isn't one.

When we let go, we're not giving up control -- just the illusion of control. We never had the power to make someone quit drinking in the first place; if we did, we'd have done it a long time ago. And this forum would consist of one sticky topic: "Sticky: How to get someone sober in one easy step." Forum maintenace would be a breeze, because no one would ever have to post a message -- they'd just come by, read the sticky, make the loved one in question get sober, and live happily ever after!

T

EveningRose

My AF pulled this the last time I actually spoke to him, the time he asked what was wrong, what was I upset about. I told him specific things he'd done and said and before telling me I'd imagined it all, he pulled the sympathy ploy, of the little sniff, and "I guess I was just a lousy father." The tone of voice was clearly inviting me to feel guilty for harming his poor precious feelings and say, "No, no, no!" I didn't do it. I felt no guilt for telling him the truth and letting him know that the family patterns had to stop right now.

FatallyUncool

I like this. I will try to remind myself.

FatallyUncool

Yuck. My ex's mom does this.

Mracoa

My AF tried that once. I told him, yes, he most certainly was. Then I walked away and didn't talk to him for 5 years. Was depressing at first, but after a year or so I felt so much better about myself. By the time he reached out to me I had sobered up myself and largely buried 'my issues' (yes, my issues resurfaced recently and I'm dealing with them fresh, but at least I'm doing it free from reactions to my AF bad choices).

My approach may not work for everyone. But, don't count it out.

EveningRose

Pretty much what I've done. I don't even know if I'm heading toward 3 years NC or 4. And it did take some time, but bit by bit, I feel I'm slipping into sanity and seeing more clearly and feeling steadily better about myself.

ACOA12

VERY brave!!!! Tough love at it's best. Nicely written- to the point, no blaming, stating only facts.

FatallyUncool

Thank you, ACOA. It feels weird and I'm having doubts about everything but your words mean a lot.

STaylor98

Your post just made me really happy. I know thats weird but I am 20 years old and sometimes i think that I will have to just live with my dad the way he is for ever. I get scared that Ill never be able to tell hiim. Im scared of what it will do to him, how my family will react, and the effect it will have on our relationships. I am so happy to hear that you are thinking of your self. This gives me hope that one day I will have the courage to tell my father that and seperate my love for so I can find a deeper love for myself and my mental health. I wish you the best and pray that everything will be okay between you and your father. Thanks for the post.

FatallyUncool

Thank you, that makes me happy.

I don't have any advice, sometimes I doubt whether I am doing the best thing. But I will say this, you are not alone. I was scared of all of those things, and am still scared how my actions will affect him, our relationship, and the other relationships and future of my family. And like you, I am just trying to find peace and self-love. All the best to you, too.