A Is "Trying" But I want Out

Old 11-09-2012, 11:54 AM
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A Is "Trying" But I want Out

This is my first post. I have been married to an alcoholic for three plus years. She has got worse, is verbally abusive, manipulates situations and people, etc - you know, an alcoholic.

Over the past several months, her drinking has got to the point that she is seriously in danger. She falls down frequently, and yes, hurts herself, and yes, sometimes she blames me for it.

It is not uncommon for her to drink two, three bottles of wine in a day plus a few beers, all starting first thing in the morning. The beast comes out and all hell breaks. She is not a large person, and this morning, I estimated her typical daily BAC which scared me because, let's just say she has repeatedly been in the danger zone.

I was planning to leave, but hadn't told her. Out of the blue, she wants to get sober-which includes tapering from two bottles plus, to one bottle plus, etc.

There is a significant part of me that loves her but this marriage is broke and there is no putting it back.

So, given what I have said, do I follow through with my plan to leave (like this week) and basically undercut her effort to get sober, or do I wait and "help" her by at least not giving her a reason to hit the bottle full throttle?

I feel like I recognize some of my enabling addictive habits and know what I have to do, but there is that voice that says "you can't do this to her right now while she is trying to get sober. That's just cruel! She is going to kill herself drinking."

Frankly, I have read some of the posts about people feeling hopeful when they find their spouse's bottle hasn't moved, but I have to confess, I am not feeling that, but rather the opposite because if I know she is going to hit the bottle again like she has been, I know what to do. I care about her, and I really do want her to succeed, but her attempt at this point is leaving me in limbo.
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Old 11-09-2012, 12:04 PM
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Welcome Westland. Glad you found us but sorry for the reason behind it.

Are you going to Al Anon or therapy for yourself? What you are asking of us to tell you what to do is something that only you can answer. Three things to remember, You didn't CAUSE it, You can't CONTROL it, You can't CURE it. Only your wife can do this for herself. Be good to yourself and keep posting.
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Old 11-09-2012, 12:21 PM
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If this is a sincere attempt at recovery (and the tapering off idea makes me question that), she will follow through with it regardless of what you do or don't do. If it isn't, she is going to kill herself drinking whether you are there or not. Seeking peace for yourself, and some distance while you work through what you want, is not cruel; she is a grown woman who can tackle this problem herself if she is motivated to do so.

I'm glad you found us here. Please keep posting and read all you can stand from the Stickies and other daily posts. Welcome!
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Old 11-09-2012, 12:26 PM
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Hey Westland. We're glad you found us.

I knew three months into my marriage that I had messed up big time. People who had just heard that we got married would congratulate me and I would think, "If you only knew how miserable I really am." I stayed in the marriage 6 1/2 years until my sanity, confidence and self-esteem were non-existent. He was always trying to get sober and I thought if I would only hold on just a little bit longer that he would see how much I loved him and how wonderful our life together could be.

Fast forward a few years. I've lost weight, retired, done some traveling. Life is good again. It took a couple of years to even get to where I could line two thoughts up that made sense. But I am thankful every day now that I finally said "Enough!"

And he got another DUI a couple of weeks ago. I wish him the best but it's simply not my problem now.
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Old 11-09-2012, 12:40 PM
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fedup3, thank you. I haven't been but I printed out the schedule today and plan to go tonight or tomorrow.

Thank you all for your responses.

Sparklekitty, her mother contacted a treatment facility and relayed the amount of daily consumption, and was told that cold turkey would be dangerous. I question the stay at home taper approach since in my book, if she were truly serious, she would agree to be hospitalized but that just is not going to happen. I guess that answers the question.

I will keep posting. Thanks again.
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Old 11-09-2012, 12:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Westland View Post
I was planning to leave, but hadn't told her. Out of the blue, she wants to get sober-which includes tapering from two bottles plus, to one bottle plus, etc.
These people have an uncanny ability to sense when they have gone too far and know just when to pull out the promises, don't they.

Leave anyway because that's what you want to do. If she gets sober, and stays sober, great, maybe you can get back together and have the marriage you were meant to have.

If she doesn't, you haven't wasted any more time and haven't accumulated any more misery.

The tapering down theory of quitting drinking NEVER works. THey may taper down for a bit, but they always taper back up again. Or else, they taper down on the wine, but ramp up the vodka.

It's always best to let the alcoholics play this game alone.
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Old 11-09-2012, 01:07 PM
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If you're going to leave her do it now. I, personally, think it would be more cruel to stay n then leave once she's. 'recovered.'
You're already secretly hoping that she'll drink to give you that reason to leave.
She has to want to quit for her so whether you are around or not that shouldn't change.
Good luck n keep posting
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Old 11-09-2012, 01:25 PM
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Maybe you can try to get her into a treatment facility and then leave? I agree it doesn't sound like she could quit on her own at home, she would need help. Sorry you're in this situation. If you left would she have anyone else to lean on, like her family?
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Old 11-09-2012, 01:53 PM
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Yes, she has her mother. I seriously doubt she will go into treatment. I think my healthy options are few but clear. It's just building the fortitude to actually do it. It would be a lot easier if we had a blow up. I hate to say that but it is true.
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Old 11-09-2012, 01:58 PM
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Sure that would be easier but leaving without the blow up is a much stronger statement, both for you and for her. No messing around with "but we were so angry" or anything like that. In the long run, you might feel better about the decision if it is made without any drama.
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Old 11-09-2012, 02:16 PM
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That's true.
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Old 11-09-2012, 02:22 PM
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Experimenting with at-home detox is dangerous, and it sounds like that's what she's doing.
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Old 11-09-2012, 02:23 PM
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"Trying but just want out"

I am new on here as well, and I do feel for you. If your gut tells you to leave, that is what you need to do. I came back to my ex after our divorce because he "promised" no more hard liquor, which was fine for a couple of months. It very rarely, if ever, lasts. Get your life together and enjoy something besides an alcholic. If they don't want to fix themselves, you nor I can either.
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Old 11-09-2012, 02:28 PM
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Also alchol withdrawal unmedicated can be extremely dangerous - so its probably best her doctor is contacted n maybe her going into rehab?
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Old 11-09-2012, 02:33 PM
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I feel your pain... I've watch my husband do all kinds of ways to stop, he done treatment he went cold turkey alot... none of it's easy... but as they teach us we must take care of ourselfs and only they can fix themselfs. if you don't love her enoug to stay and support her then leave... sometimes them lossing someone could be there wake up call... i know my husband can care less if i had left him but instead he left me so he can sneak his drinks and not have to sfop... lots of prayes is needed i wish you the best of luck.
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Old 11-09-2012, 02:40 PM
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Sometimes, there's just no love left and nothing your spouse can do to earn it back. It's been my experience that you know it in your bones when that point is reached. The law calls such a marriage "irretrievably broken".

You are the only one who can say for sure, but from what you've written it sounds like you are there. If so, then leave. There is no point in prolonging the agony.
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Old 11-09-2012, 04:59 PM
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It doesn't matter that she's trying...

...what matters is you want out. So, get out. It was easier for me than I thought it would be. Find yourself a place to live, move there, and go no contact with her. It is, IMHO, the most supportive thing you can do for her--move out, don't communicate with her, and make her 100 percent responsible for every area of her life.

C-
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Old 11-09-2012, 06:33 PM
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I hovered and helicoptered, wrung my hands and agonized about leaving until I was exhausted, angry and completely at the end of the proverbial rope hanging on by a string... he was great!!!

Worked out just the way he wanted by playing me like a violin... he would drink himself silly and into trouble and when i started to get to close to leaving he would make approriate mewing noises about recovery (even act on them) but he always, always, always drank again.

Heck... your A isn't making much noise...yet... you will see about face when you start walking out the door! She will probably high tale it to rehab to keep you on the string...

Sometimes the kindest, most effective way to help an A is let them sort out life on their own for a bit... it can bring about a "moment of clarity"...

And heaven knows we sure have earned a "codie vacation"... in fact... I actually vacationed from May until this week and he had 4 relapses during that time! Wow... I didn't even miss a day crying and worrying!

He's back in rehab, did 4 meetings yesterday, at a meeting tonight... he's sober today and 3000 miles from me! I love the guy...but I love the fact that I can love him awful from anywhere and right now that is loooong way from his recovery journey.
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Old 11-09-2012, 06:43 PM
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I would go.

Sounds like you have already detached. I agree with the others that "cutting down" is not getting sober. I have never heard of this in alcoholism as a method of recovering - sounds like the old switcheroo to me aka "I am going to start drinking beer instead of vodka so I don't get as drunk"

And I also agree with the others that they have an uncanny way of "knowing" when you ahve had enough. Quack Quack Quack......Mine was sh** faced last night. I never said a word to him. Not a thing. He cleaned the house today. He is still cleaning. He never cleans the house.

Good luck to you - I think you have a good grasp of what you are dealing with.
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Old 11-23-2012, 05:53 PM
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Just thought I should give an update since you all were so helpful and kind. I have moved out, and my back is killing me from packing today. She says she has been up since I left three nights ago. I am fine with the leaving but as I was finishing up packing for tonight, I went out to tell her I was leaving, and it was just so sad. She is killing herself slowly. The heavy drinking, medications, not eating, not sleeping, all add up to one conclusion and that breaks my heart. I really do feel bad for her--but that doesn't change the fact that I cannot be there to save her. She has to do it herself or not at all.

I learned a lot here about how I was enabling her behaviors, and I watch her mother who lives there, and she is on hyperdrive enabling.

Nothing is going to change over there. I am thankful that I am out. The first two days felt so good, what a relief, but tonight I am just sad.

I actually spent Thanksgiving alone. My family live out of state, I don't know many people here, and the friend I am staying with went to visit his family. But the weird part was it might have been one of the best Thanksgivings I have had in years. It was so peaceful and all I had to worry about was my puppy and what to watch on TV. No stressing about not knowing what is going to happen from one minute to another.

Thanks again everyone. This board and all the people who shared their thoughts were tons of help.
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