Tarot

I am fuming right now. I have been struggling with my AB foe almost a year now. He has been a heroin addict for 17 years and when i met him he would tell me how he hated it and would do anything to get clean but he has been living on the streets and in and out of jail for shoplifting and because he got some clean time inside. I was foolish enough to take him on and at first he was on a subutex script and i stupidly thought that now he had a chance in life with me and a home he would be able to sort himself out. I fell deeply in live with him and we had all these plans etc. My teenagers boys all liked him and for a while we were happy. But then he came off his script and we thpught that would be an end to it stupidly. He began to relapse. It seemed everywhere he went he would bump into a user and it would trigger him. If he got drunk that would trigger him into using. He tried and failed miserably and started going on binges for days at a time then coming back full of teats and sorries and how he didnt want to lose me but his triggers were everywhere! We live in a small town crammed with addicts. Even his mother is an alcoholic so when he went to see her she would get him drinking with her and tjen he would lose it and his cravings would get the better of him. It got to the point where i couldnt trust him out of my sight and if ever i left him alone he would use. I felt like i was caring for a 40 year old toddler. This all put me through the mil. I was living with Jeckyll and Hyde. I tried everything as you do. I have become obsessed with his addiction and the only respite i have had was finding Al Anon. I finally had enough two weeks ago and i have been struggling with my recovery...of him. Last night he let me know he was up in court todya for something stupid he did on a bender and iys likely he will be in jail before his rehab date comes through. Typical. Then while waiting for a call to hear if he has been locked up the phone rings and its his sister asking if i thought he would know anyone who would buy some methadone off her! Why do addocts just love to drag people down with them...i can understand the local "friends" of his but his own sister now too!!! He just doesnt stand a chance! Hes a lovely guy underneath and found it hard not to speak to his addict friends when he was "cleanish" because most of them had put him up on their sofas etc at one time or another but he agreed it was for the best, and he would often try to ignore them but they would make a bee line for him and ask him if they knew who wanted this or had that. I hated them! And then his mother amd now his sister!!! I wouldnt mind but he has OD'd twice in the last 9 months! Now i have had enough and am trying not to contact him. His life is chaos constantly, his friends, his family and himself and there was me trying to teach him to meditate. He just doesnt stand a chance does he?

milo88

oh Tarot, that's so hard! You're right, it does seem like he doesn't stand much of a chance in that town unless he gets really really strong and determined - but reading your story, I thought it was a pretty good argument for him to move away from that town! Maybe even just until he got strong enough to know how to deal with all those triggers.
I know how hard it is too to watch someone you love going through all that! Teaching him meditation is a really loving thing to do. Meditation has really helped me in my life and they have found out now that it actually rewires the brain, and really helps with addictions or with brains that have been too stressed out for too long. You offered him a really good thing!
The only chance he has is if he wants to save himself. I really hope he does, for his own sake and yours too. In the meantime I hope you're looking after you, and that you can unhook emotionally a bit. It really is heartbreaking to watch all that, but in the end it will be him who decides which way the dice will fall. hugs

SadHeart

Of course he stands a chance.

What chance did I have, born to teenaged parents who didn't love each other, blah, blah, blah... And yet I never used.

What chance did his sister have? His mother? All those friends who now trigger him?

They all have sob stories.

I think if you look at your AB's life you'll find he had plenty of chances and blew them all. And he's about to get another chance. Will he take it? Who knows. Until you die you keep getting chances.

You know who doesn't have a chance? People born so damaged they have no possibility of taking care of themselves.

Your pity and excuses aren't going to help either him or you.

eveleivibe

Tarot welcome to AS n jist giving you a hug.

It's good that you are going to Al anom. A good idea would be to read the stickies at the top.

Have you read codependency no more n the new codependency by Melanie Beattie?
I'm worried about you saying you are obsessed you need to focus on you. Please keep posting n get as much support you can

Evey xxx

dollydo

Seventeen years of being an hard core addict makes recovery difficult at best, does he have a chance... yes, IMO it will take a miracle, but they do happen.

The real question is...why do you stay with him? What exactly does he have to offer you?

Take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of this forum. Read Codependent No More and get to Naranon meetings, unfortunately, you are just as sick as he is. Until you
both get healthy, nothing will change and there is nothing you can do to help him.

outtolunch

It sounds a tad like you might be somewhat prone to rationalizing his addiction. It's not uncommon for some serious about recovery addicts to change their residence and avoid old haunts and pals.

He has been and will continue to live his life as he chooses. Are you?

How do your children feel about having an active addict in their home?

Tarot

Thankyou everybody its really helping me get some answers and support and hugs especially <3 Thankyou! I think i need to give up hope! Let go and let him do what he wants. I agree he had a chance with me and he blew that pretty much early on when he started lying to me. I could have handled anything with his honesty and I told him that over and over but of course all i get is lies.
He says he can only do it with my help...but no matter how much i explained that he needed to do it for himself he would just say he didn't hate about himself.
I agree this town is the worst place for him to be but my kids live here there's no way i could move.
I am trying to be hard on him now but its really difficult. I am just saying to come and see me when he is in proper recovery and I can't do this anymore. I feel i was fighting his habit and fighting off others all the time too...he seems to have no fight in him at all.!! I just don't think he has what it takes to go down tha difficult road of recovery. All I can do is admit defeat and give up. To walk away and look after my own recovery. Its a shame bit i just think he is too far gone and too weak and will probably die an addict. I think i have to believe this to be able to walk away. I am trying not to show him my pity, i have just said i love him and will be there for him if he choses recovery but that i can't live like this anymore. I think i have given it my best shot but he never even really tried! All his efforts were half hearted. He is just not ready after all he told me. I have tp believe everything he ever said was probably a lie. For now at least to give myself some strength. You're right Dollydo he never really did anything for me...everything i needed some support he was out on a bender. I have to take my emotions out of this and be pragmatic. I am strong at times but i can't fight this for him let alone all his friends and family.

Tarot

I am beginning to think now that he just wanted the best of both worlds...me and a home and family and support until Jeckyll got the itch then he went off on a wonder. I wouldn't let him here if he had been using and he would stay out for as long as 10th days at a time then come back with his promises that it would never happen again. My boys loved him for a while he is a lovely guy when he is straight and sobering he would do anything for them etc bit they knew what he was up to and often saw him around town in states. They too have had enough of seeing me in pieces and have given up hope on him now too and just say to get rid of him. Its hard because its like there ate two of him rolled into one. They knew him from the streets better than i demand had respect for him at first because at least he tried to sort himself out...unlike their dad who is still using and haven't seen them for years they're happy about as he used to hit me and was last seen seeing their xmas money. Although this one is better its still not good!!! dawn sight better

dollydo

" They too have had enough of seeing me in pieces and have given up hope on him now too and just say to get rid of him."

Your children deserve so much better and deep down, you know that. Give them a chance, change your mindset, make them your priorty. Look deep into your soul, ask yourself why you keep making bad choices in men, there is a reason for this repeated behavior.

Tarot

Most of them seemed okay to start with, all as different as chalk and cheese but all turned out to be wronguns for one reason or another. Various reasons, from cheaters to beaters. My 7yr ex was the worst but after him i never put up with any of the for long once i saw their issues. This time i was stupid enough to believe he could cure his habit with subiutex, its been a learning curve. This past year i think i was just figuring out his tricks and believing his lies and promises but we have failed miserably and i don't want to keep going through these feelings. I feel i have tried my best and if i give him any more chances then i am asking for this pain. Its time to walk away. Most of me hopes this will nudge him into sorting himself out properly but i am having serious doubts that anything will change him. But a big part of me wants to stop this prolonging agony and bite the bullet and go through it once and for all and start working on the issues that i have that attracts these toxic relationships. I just need to know that i have done all i could and am doing the right thing and plucking up some strength. He just called. He didn't get sent to prison then...it sounds bad but i wanted him to go to prison he doesn't mind going and he gets clean in there. I just told him that i had had enough and not to contact me again unless he was in full on recovery. His lies got the better of me....hasn't been using BS!!!!!! I heard enough of this clap over and over and over ended up sticking up for myself in no uncertain terms!!! I just hope this is the last of it now.

Tarot

Ps I'm really lucky with my boys they are really strong and seem to learn by my mistakes. They have always been my priority and we talk openly and honestly. They see him and have lost all respect for him now. Its me who's been soft and stupid. I wished i had their sense and confidence!

soberlicious

This is a recurring theme worth looking at.