he contacted me...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
he contacted me... 
He sent me an email. naturally i received it while I was getting a drink with a guy friend. he went on about how i made rash decisions and how i shouldnt have left. He also mentioned that he shrugged off me breaking up with him bc he thought the things i said were bs and because he didnt think we would ever not be together.
I just cant do this **** anymore. I just cant. I went to respond this morning and immediatly ran to the bathroom to hide my complete breakdown from my coworkers. I just cant do this...
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Usually when I'm out socially, I don't look at my emails; I focus on the company of the person I'm face-to-face with.
What is it you can't do anymore? Stay broken up? Then I guess you have 'no choice' but to get back together with someone who makes you so unhappy.
Or is it you can't deal with his manipulation any more? Good. Go no contact. Block the emails, texts, phone number, and be unavailable.
Why respond at all?
You don't owe him a response.
If you really "can't do this any more", then don't respond.
What is it you can't do anymore? Stay broken up? Then I guess you have 'no choice' but to get back together with someone who makes you so unhappy.
Or is it you can't deal with his manipulation any more? Good. Go no contact. Block the emails, texts, phone number, and be unavailable.
Why respond at all?
You don't owe him a response.
If you really "can't do this any more", then don't respond.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm so sorry, Bamboo, but I've found I usually have to go Through to get to the other side. There's no real way Around this kind of thing.
The good news is that there IS another side. You are empowering him by lending credence to his accusations. Delete the email and take a step towards empowering yourself.
I know it hurts. I have SO been there. I have cried for months on end some times. But there was ALWAYS something better waiting for me on the other side of feeling all of that pain. And that something better was ALWAYS a stronger, more confident me.
The good news is that there IS another side. You are empowering him by lending credence to his accusations. Delete the email and take a step towards empowering yourself.
I know it hurts. I have SO been there. I have cried for months on end some times. But there was ALWAYS something better waiting for me on the other side of feeling all of that pain. And that something better was ALWAYS a stronger, more confident me.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Then you need counseling to manage your feelings. You need to learn what the source of them are (and you may be surprised it's not the alcoholic) and you need to learn how to neutralize and cope with the negative ones and how to generate the positive ones.
In any case, there's no point in reading and responding to his emails and contact any more. It can't help, so don't do things that can't help.
Make an appointment for a private counselor, then find support groups, maybe one like al-anon, and then perhaps through Meetup.com a support for women your age divorcing/breaking up. Then join a church group or a yoga class or something that will be just for you that will generate new positive feelings that have nothing to do with him.
If you can't do it any more, then do something else. Stop doing the things you've been doing that expose you or trigger these bad feelings.
You have to be the one to do it though. Nobody's going to come around and clean up all your hurt feelings and broken dreams and fix the problems and heal your life for you. You have to be the one to do it.
In any case, there's no point in reading and responding to his emails and contact any more. It can't help, so don't do things that can't help.
Make an appointment for a private counselor, then find support groups, maybe one like al-anon, and then perhaps through Meetup.com a support for women your age divorcing/breaking up. Then join a church group or a yoga class or something that will be just for you that will generate new positive feelings that have nothing to do with him.
If you can't do it any more, then do something else. Stop doing the things you've been doing that expose you or trigger these bad feelings.
You have to be the one to do it though. Nobody's going to come around and clean up all your hurt feelings and broken dreams and fix the problems and heal your life for you. You have to be the one to do it.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi Bamboo
I am sorry for what you're going through. When my axbf and I broke up I was a complete mess, I had to go into the bathroom at work and cry constantly. You will get through it, you just need to be determined you're going to move on.
I let myself get sucked back into the relationship SO many times, he was a master of guilt and pushing my buttons, saying he would always love me and could not imagine life without me. But the alcohol won out in the end, Mr. Barfly is now continuing his life without me and as far as I know he is doing fine.
I agree you don't owe him a response, if he is not the man for you you need to move on with your life even though it hurts in the short term.
Things will get better, I promise! xxxo
I am sorry for what you're going through. When my axbf and I broke up I was a complete mess, I had to go into the bathroom at work and cry constantly. You will get through it, you just need to be determined you're going to move on.
I let myself get sucked back into the relationship SO many times, he was a master of guilt and pushing my buttons, saying he would always love me and could not imagine life without me. But the alcohol won out in the end, Mr. Barfly is now continuing his life without me and as far as I know he is doing fine.
I agree you don't owe him a response, if he is not the man for you you need to move on with your life even though it hurts in the short term.
Things will get better, I promise! xxxo
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Hi bamboo10,
I'm sorry that he contacted you again. When I was with my XABF for three years and we were on and off 3-4 times, it was always so coincidental to me that whenever I was just about to move on, or just met a guy, my ex would come back around and sweep me off my feet and again, I gave up on the guy I just met to pursue something that was bound to fail. It almost seems like there is a timer on me and he knows when to come back, but I've learned now that I CAN control whether or not he is able to suck me back in.
The tears are natural and everything you are feeling is natural. They are very good at appealing to our emotions. Keep in mind, they know us very well. They know what to say to push our buttons, to get us to break down, to make us feel guilty, to weaken our stance, etc. Words are tools of manipulators, not actions. From my experience, they're not great with actions or following through, but they are great at using words. Think about his actions and try not to focus on the words.
I'm sorry that he contacted you again. When I was with my XABF for three years and we were on and off 3-4 times, it was always so coincidental to me that whenever I was just about to move on, or just met a guy, my ex would come back around and sweep me off my feet and again, I gave up on the guy I just met to pursue something that was bound to fail. It almost seems like there is a timer on me and he knows when to come back, but I've learned now that I CAN control whether or not he is able to suck me back in.
The tears are natural and everything you are feeling is natural. They are very good at appealing to our emotions. Keep in mind, they know us very well. They know what to say to push our buttons, to get us to break down, to make us feel guilty, to weaken our stance, etc. Words are tools of manipulators, not actions. From my experience, they're not great with actions or following through, but they are great at using words. Think about his actions and try not to focus on the words.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
bamboo10,
I am so sorry that you are feeling sad. You can do this for you!!!!! I have faith in you!
You wrote: "He also mentioned that he shrugged off me breaking up with him bc he thought the things I said were bs and because he didnt think we would ever not be together."
I was in a similar situation. I broke up and got together with my ex several times throughout the years, so he used this line with me.
I too thought that he and I were "meant to be." I thought we were soul mates. I was wrong. I am my own soul mate. I was attracted to my ex because I gravitated toward him. He was addicted to alcohol and I was addicted to him. That is not a "soul mate"
Resist the urge to think that you are "destined" "meant to be" (if this is how you are feeling)
The pain you feel is very real....but walk through it my friend. YOU CAN DO IT. Don't go back because that will just be like putting a bandaid over a broken arm.
I am so sorry that you are feeling sad. You can do this for you!!!!! I have faith in you!
You wrote: "He also mentioned that he shrugged off me breaking up with him bc he thought the things I said were bs and because he didnt think we would ever not be together."
I was in a similar situation. I broke up and got together with my ex several times throughout the years, so he used this line with me.
I too thought that he and I were "meant to be." I thought we were soul mates. I was wrong. I am my own soul mate. I was attracted to my ex because I gravitated toward him. He was addicted to alcohol and I was addicted to him. That is not a "soul mate"
Resist the urge to think that you are "destined" "meant to be" (if this is how you are feeling)
The pain you feel is very real....but walk through it my friend. YOU CAN DO IT. Don't go back because that will just be like putting a bandaid over a broken arm.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
I will not go back. I am just tired of being sad. I have been physically sick every morning. it really stinks. I know I will be fine and I will get through this, I just needed some support. I just need to find my way back to the self i was before I began dating him. I know I can do it, it will just take some time. Its new-it hurts right now, but i know eventually that will fade. He is not the right person for me and I am just getting frustrated with him and his family trying to make me feel bad for doing what was best for myself. I understand you always stick with family, but they need to see that i couldnt fix him and this relationship was ruining me
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Originally Posted by bamboo10 
and his family trying to make me feel bad for doing what was best for myself. I understand you always stick with family, but they need to see that i couldnt fix him and this relationship was ruining me
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by bamboo10
He sent me an email. naturally i received it while I was getting a drink with a guy friend. he went on about how i made rash decisions and how i shouldnt have left. He also mentioned that he shrugged off me breaking up with him bc he thought the things i said were bs and because he didnt think we would ever not be together.
I just cant do this **** anymore. I just cant. I went to respond this morning and immediatly ran to the bathroom to hide my complete breakdown from my coworkers. I just cant do this...
He also said I made rash decisions whenever I attempted to leave him. The truth? I always knew in my heart of hearts that he wasn't right for me. Yes, I ran to the bathroom to cry so my co-workers wouldn't see me, too. We are apparently very similar people.
At the end of the day, that man is all about himself. Getting love, getting validated, getting praise, getting drunk/high, getting sex.
But does he give those things? Only when I force him to. Is that love? No.
Oh, you don't have to even tell me: he says "I love you" via text multiple times throughout the day, doesn't he? Does he also check up on you constantly, to see what you are doing?
Mine does, too ... But when I truly need him, in a sincere and genuine way, he is never there. He apologizes, he says he wishes he could be, but he is not.
Actions speak louder than words. Love is an action.
I'm going through the same thing as you. Crying, feeling super-sad. I, too, am determined to move on. You are not alone!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
Choublak-yes he and his mother are
Contacting me. She had this grand idea that someone like me in his life would make him better and all that crap. Now she is emailing me telling me his drinking wasn't the problem in our relationship. The fact is he made me feel unloved and unwanted. Tey both believe that is no reason to leave a relationship. He told me today that I was crazy for ending it for that reason and that I will need to lower my standards if I ever want a bf again. I'm just so over it all. I went out with an old guy friend the other day and he mentioned how I don't see what others see when I look at me. He was like you don't get how great you are. Truth is-I used to (not in a snobby way) but I saw that ideserved someone that treated me with respect and that loved me like anyone deserves to be loved. The past year has slowly worn my self esteem down to very little. It's amazing how easy it is to let someone do that to you. It's also amazing how much **** one can receive when they finally stick up for themselves
Contacting me. She had this grand idea that someone like me in his life would make him better and all that crap. Now she is emailing me telling me his drinking wasn't the problem in our relationship. The fact is he made me feel unloved and unwanted. Tey both believe that is no reason to leave a relationship. He told me today that I was crazy for ending it for that reason and that I will need to lower my standards if I ever want a bf again. I'm just so over it all. I went out with an old guy friend the other day and he mentioned how I don't see what others see when I look at me. He was like you don't get how great you are. Truth is-I used to (not in a snobby way) but I saw that ideserved someone that treated me with respect and that loved me like anyone deserves to be loved. The past year has slowly worn my self esteem down to very little. It's amazing how easy it is to let someone do that to you. It's also amazing how much **** one can receive when they finally stick up for themselves
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Bamboo can you block him and his family for your email and phone? Sounds like his family wants to fob their problem off on you. They don't get to decide whether your reason for leaving the relationship is valid. You don't even have to give a reason.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
Sparkle kitty-I know I can from my phone-I'm not sure about email-I would have to look into it. Of course they are mostly emailing me lol. I will check it out.
Oh and I re-read the thread and just wanted to clarify that I am not totally rude-the only reason I looked at my phone while I was out with my guy friend was because he went to the restroom and I was sitting there alone. I would not have been checking it with him sitting right there.
Oh and I re-read the thread and just wanted to clarify that I am not totally rude-the only reason I looked at my phone while I was out with my guy friend was because he went to the restroom and I was sitting there alone. I would not have been checking it with him sitting right there.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 17
How are you faring, bamboo? I pissed my guy off to the point of no return - finally! I feel so free. He thinks I'm crazy and is probably telling his family and friends what a psycho I am, but I'm beyond caring. Nothing is ever going to change for him. He is always going to be selfish, narcissistic, vindictive, cold, self-seeking and abusive at times.
Most of all, he will always "try" to be a better person - but will he actually BE a better person? Unlikely! If he does, more power to him. I'm sick to death of trying to make this relationship work. Some people just aren't worth it.
Most of all, he will always "try" to be a better person - but will he actually BE a better person? Unlikely! If he does, more power to him. I'm sick to death of trying to make this relationship work. Some people just aren't worth it.
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