ForeverOptimist

To give you a bit of background, my AH told me 3 weeks ago he was turning his life around and giving up drinking, etc. We've been here before so I knew not to get my hopes up. He is still helpful during the day with the house and kids (he lost his job again so I'm working part time plus in grad school part time). The problem is at night -- he's back to drinking multiple bottles of wine every night after the kids go to bed. So I really bear the brunt of his behavior. It's just obnoxious and I often use my school work as an excuse to not have to hang out with him.

Anyway, before work this morning he starts out by telling me that he heard that in order to have a healthy sex life it needs to be 12x/month. Blah, blah, blah. I decided to be totally honest with him, that between my physical issues, my busy schedule and the fact that I can't trust him, there just isn't that much desire left in me anymore. I wasn't mean, just honest. Just honest with him that we have trust issues in our marriage related to his drinking and his broken promises. I told him that I feel anxious and stressed most of the time and I wanted to work on that by seeing a therapist, etc. And then he just laid into me about how he comes last in my life behind the kids, my own family, work and school. And how he's bored and stressed that he is out of work and I act like I don't care and I'm not supporting him. Basically he accused me of emotional abuse. And the fact that I've "gone through the motions" sexually recently just disgusts him.

So I know this is all a part of his manipulation, but I'm sitting here at work just feeling awful. I just need a little support, and maybe some reassurance that I'm not the horrible wife he paints me to be. I struggle with the fact that in some ways he's right -- I'm not there emotionally for him. But I don't think any sane person would blame me after what I've been through.

Pelican

Maybe he can go back to his source and get the definition of healthy sex?

Does it involve openess, honesty, respect, and patience? If so, can he do some research and come up with solutions for the lack of the above in your relationship?

eh, on second thought ~ save your breath. You would be going to the hardware store and asking for fresh bread. again.

I can tell you what helps me.
I have noticed that I spend a great deal of time on self doubt and self sabatoge (I should've done this, I could've done that, etc), but I spend very little time telling myself how awesome I am. Time to change that unhealthy pattern.

I learned about this and how to turn it around by reading "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. I have post-it notes up to remind me of my positive affirmations.

For today, try repeating this over and over to yourself: I approve of me, I approve of me,

I think you are doing great! Keep on keepin on

ForeverOptimist

I think the hard thing is that he's not taking any responsibility. He just called me at work and said he feels like crap and doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him. So... this is my fault, huh? It's just so exhausting. If we do end up splitting up I know he will paint me as the bad guy. I know the truth -- but I hate to think our children would be caught in the middle of his drama.

SadHeart

Yes, but for him, you come last after the alcohol and the selfishness of all his broken promises.

You aren't responsible for his unemployment.

If he wants a healthy sex life, he has to make himself a healthy partner. A bitter, selfish, alcoholic man is not a healthy partner.

How funny: he wants more of the sex that disgusts him.

Let him know that sex with his alkie self disgusts you too.

Give up trying to make him take responsibility. People who won't accept responsibility for themselves WILL NOT accept responsibility for themselves. It's impossible to make them. Act accordingly.

SadHeart

Good, problem solved.

Tuffgirl

My first in-my-head response to your post - So What?

So what he thinks healthy sex is a min of 12x per month. So what he thinks you are emotionally abusive. So what he is bored. So what he is drinking again when he said he wouldn't. So what if you leave this relationship and he paints you into the bad guy character.

What you know is what matters here. You know that as a wife, you have gone above and beyond for this man. You know that woman need emotionally fulfillment to have sexual fulfillment. You know you are busting your butt to take care of this family when he isn't. You know your truth. Stop letting an alcoholic make you doubt yourself.

You are a strong woman...now go be strong and don't let his quacking determine the course of your days anymore.
~T

Pelican

Quack, Quack, Quack says the big white duck!
I would picture the AFLAC duck when my A would start quacking about how I didn't appreciate alllllll he was doing!

Your A is quacking.

There is a lack of communication, and it happens in relationships with addiction. You are talking and he hears blah, blah, blah, and nothing changes. When he talks you hear manipulation, lies, blame-shifting, gaslighting, denial and it sounds like quack, quack, quack.

About the children and the future, try not to awfulize a future that may not come to reality. It's referred to as future tripping or awfullizing. I do that. It is my fears taking over. My fears of the unknown.

Getting support at Alanon and here at SR helped me face my fears.

ForeverOptimist

Pelican, your little dancing ducks made me laugh out loud! I'll need to picture them when I get home and I hear more about how I've ruined his day/weekend/month.

Thank you to everyone who has posted here. I know the weekend won't be pretty after our conversation but I'll keep referring back to your posts for that little extra strength that I need. It amazes me how quickly he can make me think my own feelings are wrong and I am overreacting.

ZiggyB

Meh... sorry I have been there.

Axbf was also giving me grief at the end about not wanting to have sex with him often enough. Well, maybe if he wasn't always yelling at me, constantly in a bad mood and drunk all the time, I would have wanted that more. Because truth be told, I always enjoyed our sex life but not when he was being an as*hat, which turned out to be more often than I could stand.

I was also told I wasn't emotionally supportive enough of him but I couldn't do it anymore. He was driving me crazy with his bad behavior, the constant lies, manipulation and guilt trips.

mdkathy62

Hi ForeverOptimist,

Thank you for sharing. Like many others on here, I know exactly where you're coming from. The blame, the guilt, and all the frustration they seem to project our way. It's tough because after so many years of it, I believed that I was the problem with my now XABF. It becomes so convincing. They tell us if we did this then they wouldn't do that. If we gave them money, they could pay off their debt and be less stressed and therefore get a job. If we gave them sex they would be less stressed and therefore do something else with their lives. If I let him play video games and skip all his responsibilities, he would be more attentive and thoughtful because, again, he won't be stressed out. If I let him drink just one more time or smoke weed one more time, he could let go of everything. It's all very manipulative and now that I'm away from it, I can finally see with clarity how alcoholism sucked me in and had me brainwashed.

I'm here to reassure you, but really he should be the one reassuring you. Unfortunately, alcoholics, at least from my own experience, cannot reassure anyone but themselves. They'll go to great lengths to reassure themselves that there isn't a problem, but won't reassure us for much of anything. I can't tell you any good strategies to not let it bring you down because the only time I was able to truly do that was when I let my alcoholic go...Hang in there. Please keep sharing and reading on SR. Maybe look into Al-Anon as well as they are all great resources. I would also recommend going to AA (I did for several months with my ex) or reading the newcomers section on SR. Understanding both sides helped me understand where I fit in the puzzle.

ForeverOptimist

Thanks again for all your posts. I had a light bulb moment last night. We talked and my husband shared how hurt he was and cried that I don't love him anymore... blah blah blah... just more manipulation! My light bulb moment came when he said, "Our marriage is in trouble, do you know that?" I wanted to scream, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU FOR A YEAR!!!" But I stopped and realized that he didn't hear me because my own actions haven't matched my words. I read so much on here about how we need to listen to the A's actions and not their words, and here I was guilty of talking the talk but not walking the walk. Once my actions started to match my words, he heard it loud and clear...

Like I said, light bulb!

I didn't think I was enabling, but I guess in some ways I was. In no way does this solve anything. He's in a "poor me, my wife doesn't love me" stage. But it is one more step for me in understanding how my behavior affects the situation.

Toss

I will give you my side, the AH. I go to work, support the family, help the kids with homework, cook and do laundry, and while doing the night chores would drink myself blind. I thought since I was active in the family life and house, I was allowed to drink irresponsibly. My wife and I were roommates. We had a few heated discussions about drinking, and I would stop for a while, I would eventually go back to the beer.

We never talked about it, but the last time I started driniking again (at the beginning of 2012), she never said a word. She was done. She had realized I chose alcohol over our relationship. There's obviously more to it, but ultimately she knew that it had to be my decision. Luckily, I physically did not want to drink any longer and the hurt in her eyes was devastating. So I decided to stop, told her I was chosing her over the beer, and that we did not get married for her to have a drunken roommate.

I'm still getting up to speed with our relationship, but luckily I did not do anything to ultimately destroy it (other than being a cold, selfish person).

I tell you this mainly to let you know that you are not his parent or roommate, you are his wife. You are expressing what is wrong with the relationship and he is defending himself (I did it many times, it was hard to keep a straight face with some of the excuses that came out of my mouth).

Stay calm, I know it hurts. He has choices, so do you.

Toss