BabyJane

I just don't know if I can do it. I keep relapsing. Like I had six pretty good days and felt strong and then today was really hard and I knew it was going to be and I messed up. I just can't deal with this much stress sometimes! I was having a panic attack opening my mail because it has piled up in the last few weeks and I am reminded that Im in so much debt and I don't even have a part time job! I have been applying for 3-5 jobs per day and no one will hire me because I have a DUI on my record. At least that's how it seems. Also my alcoholic father calls me everyday talking about suicide because my mom recently left him after 30 years over his drinking and he can't stay sober even a day. It is killing me.

I have grown a lot in my journey to try to get long term sobriety. I am
Very willing and I do take suggestions. Currently I do the following :
1.) attend AA 3x per week and work steps with a sponsor
2.) have service commitments / do volunteer work at least 2-3 times per week
3.) read recovery literature including BB of AA and many books on mindful living, overcoming depression, anxiety, etc.
4.) post on this forum and read posts everyday
5.) call other sober people and no longer hang out with old friends
6.) pray (although I'm not great at this one)
7.) exercise every day and eat well
8.) sleep 6-8 hours per night and live in a stable safe home with my SO who is wonderful.

WHAT is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? What will it take for me to get better? I just want it so so so bad. I don't know why I keep letting my flimsy will power take me out. Sometimes I get so depressed and scared I just kind of let my disease take over I guess I still can't cope with life.

Anyway... I'll keep trying. That much I know. Talk to you guys tomorrow. Thank you everyone who has been supportive it does matter to me.

Natom

You can take this anyway you want. And I mean it in the most sincere way possible. I mentioned in your other post that it just sounds like you are simply doing too much for one person. Take some time to just chill out and step back from the situation. You said you had a degree in psychology? Why don't you try looking into getting into the addiction field. It's what I am doing. But I just suggest you try to chill out and take some time out for you. Have some me time and then come back and re-assess everything. I hope everything turns out ok for you Jane.

Natom.

endlesspatience

Thanks for posting. There's a lot of detail in what you say so excuse me if I respond initially in rather general terms. Firstly, it seems to me that you are indeed making great progress. Even if you relapse, you can at least access the tools that will get you out of the relapse and back to sobriety - even if it's only a few days. That's a whole lot better than being trapped in the bottom of the well without even realising that there might be a ladder you can use to climb out!

Secondly, it would appear to me that you're allowing your mind to bundle all your problems together like a big load of loose strings in an intractible knot. Debt, money, father, parents' divorce, job, alcohol etc etc.

If that happens to me, I get into a real mess. If you think about it in terms of AA, and I see you are in the Fellowship, remember "our primary purpose is to stay sober (and to take this message to other alcoholics)."

You've already taken care of the second part of that purpose by posting here and sharing. But is staying sober your primary purpose? Are you trying to sort out everything else at the same time? We need to keep our eyes set on the target. If we get destracted by anything else, including relationships, we're in danger of drinking again.

I say this based on bitter experience. Read through my recent posts on debt and you'll see what I mean. But there's one goal for me TODAY: don't drink. The further I am from a drink, the more likely I am to be deal with anything else.

BabyJane

Thank you Natom. I think that the way I will take it is that I will not let another small relapse turn into a big one. Lately my relapses have been getting shorter and shorter. Like I'll use for 1 or 2 days and then be sober for a week or two in between each time. I know it seems like I'm saying I can "handle" it now but I know I can't. I'm always risking loosing everything when I pick up my drug. I could get arrested and I would literally go to prison and my life would be destroyed. So I am not wanting to continue this behavior.

I will have my psyche degree at the end of the next semester. So yes, I'm close and I have applied for multiple internships / jobs at rehabs and hospitals in this area. I'll keep doing that. Good idea.

One last thing... I do have a sponsor but she never answers the phone for me and rarely returns my calls. I don't even call her every single day either! She told me every other day. But then she is never there. She's a really sweet lady but after I relapsed this last time (after 3 months) she kind of said it was ok and then acted like it wasn't. Like she just blows me off now. I feel so bad. I really respect her and listen to her advice too. Oh well. Maybe time to get another person?

BabyJane

Endless -

Thank you so so much! That helps immensly. You're right on actually I am trying to fix everything all at once, all in the beginning, and it never works. I like to say sobriety is my first priority but I'd say that's only true about 20% of the time. The rest of the time it's boyfriend, school, making money, exercise, and whatever else.

Awesome of you to point this out I really needed to be more aware of my tendency to do this. Recovery has to come first or I am doomed to repeat this cycle over and over.

awuh1

Sounds like you are (and can in the future) set a good example for your father by working on this. Take him to a meeting! Go every day with him. Help him to a doctor to make sure he detoxes safely and perhaps gets help for depression. I would suggest in any event that you attend meetings daily for a while. You have an awful lot to deal with. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Natom

Maybe it's time to get another sponsor. A lot of sponsors seem to take it personally if you relapse. Just try and find one that won't take any of your crap lol.

Natom.

endlesspatience

It's great you're using this Forum for support. Do you think you can get to a meeting today?

Auvers

BabyJane, from my point of view, you are far busier and involved in stressful situations than I could have handled initially. I expected nothing of myself except not drinking. I suppose it depends on how you are feeling, but I took care of myself as if I were fighting the flu, complete with hot tea, warm baths, limited phone contacts. In fact, I imagined myself in a 30 day inpatient program with limited involvement in the world outside, no goal but no drinking. I was fortunate that I could take that period of time, was not working. Maybe this sort of peaceful interlude would not be helpful to you, maybe you need more stimulation, but this worked for me. I hope you can find the way to get enough time under your belt that you are starting to find the sobriety itself a reinforcing power.

Elisabeth888

For me, staying sober is all about step one. REALLY surrendering and admitting I am powerless over alcohol, that I can't handle it and if I keep trying, I will die. I know that or jail is where alcohol will take me. Each time I relapsed the physical and mental consequences were worse, especially the mental/anxiety. That tells me it really is a progressive disease.

Get a new sponsor that is going to take you through the steps. Start working them right away. I made a list of how I am powerless over alcohol- all of the things that happened as a result of my alcohol use. Then I made a list of ways my life is unmanageable because of alcohol.

Go to a meeting every day if you can.

I know your problems seem overwhelming, but alcohol will make them way worse. Try to stay in today, tackle what you can today. That really helps me, because if you are analyzing everything and worrying about possible outcomes, you can't focus on anything.

Just don't drink TODAY.