spending some time alone with him
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: close to the FLAMES!!
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spending some time alone with him
My h and I rarely do anything w/o the kids. Sure, we usually watch tv together nightly as "quality" time together. I enjoy going for walks, but he hates this. We go out for supper together once every month/two months, and we went away for a night to a hotel in November.
Yesterday, we drove into the nearest city and went shopping alone. We have to drive 35 min., and I tell you- I feel VERY uncomfortable being alone with him. Its not like a scary uncomfortable, just that "what do we talk about?" kinda thing. I find myself trying to make conversation, and noticed he does the same.
Also- he got a DWI back in May of last year, so I have to drive if we go anywhere. He constantly is "get your foot of the clutch", "you didn't come to a complete stop", etc, etc. I usually just shake my head, keep my mouth shut- his problem, not mine- probably a little envious that he can't be the one in control of the driving!! So- that is our conversation- how I should improve my driving skills.
On the way home, I felt just plain old sad. Its sad that after being together for almost 5 years and of knowing eachother for 16, that we can't think of anything to talk about. I'm so used to the 2 year old flapping away in the back and leading the conversation (or the other 3) that without them around, what do we say?
I prayed on the way home about this- to help me feel more comfortable about being alone with him. Its not that I don't love him or that I don't want to be alone with him, but it happens everytime!!
Anyone got any advice?
Yesterday, we drove into the nearest city and went shopping alone. We have to drive 35 min., and I tell you- I feel VERY uncomfortable being alone with him. Its not like a scary uncomfortable, just that "what do we talk about?" kinda thing. I find myself trying to make conversation, and noticed he does the same.
Also- he got a DWI back in May of last year, so I have to drive if we go anywhere. He constantly is "get your foot of the clutch", "you didn't come to a complete stop", etc, etc. I usually just shake my head, keep my mouth shut- his problem, not mine- probably a little envious that he can't be the one in control of the driving!! So- that is our conversation- how I should improve my driving skills.
On the way home, I felt just plain old sad. Its sad that after being together for almost 5 years and of knowing eachother for 16, that we can't think of anything to talk about. I'm so used to the 2 year old flapping away in the back and leading the conversation (or the other 3) that without them around, what do we say?
I prayed on the way home about this- to help me feel more comfortable about being alone with him. Its not that I don't love him or that I don't want to be alone with him, but it happens everytime!!
Anyone got any advice?
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
((((((Sunflowergal))))))
I think it is interesting that it is so difficult to talk about thingz...I say you talk to him about how it is so hard to talk to him. I would say, "you know...Hunny...I get so nervous when we are alone together." and who knows, deep and secretive feelingz may come out. I dunno...just be honest with him and tell him about this feeling you have.
Hope everything workz out..
~Def
I think it is interesting that it is so difficult to talk about thingz...I say you talk to him about how it is so hard to talk to him. I would say, "you know...Hunny...I get so nervous when we are alone together." and who knows, deep and secretive feelingz may come out. I dunno...just be honest with him and tell him about this feeling you have.
Hope everything workz out..
~Def
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
That's funny- my husband and I have the same problem. The last time he and I actually went out together, we really had nothing to talk about. He dropped me off at 10:30 and headed for the bar.
I think it's the booze- they have so much more fun with IT that we feel uninteresting(at least I do) How can we compete with it? Do we want to? The only time he really talks to me is when he comes home drunk, and then he won't shut up!!! And it's about stupid things I have no interest in.
I think it's the booze- they have so much more fun with IT that we feel uninteresting(at least I do) How can we compete with it? Do we want to? The only time he really talks to me is when he comes home drunk, and then he won't shut up!!! And it's about stupid things I have no interest in.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: close to the FLAMES!!
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Yeah- I tried that too yesterday. He did his usual, "What's wrong- why are you so pouty?". HOW I HATE THAT!!! I corrected him with, " I am NOT pouty- its called feeling SAD!!". I did explain that I felt nervous and kinda uncomfortable- he denies that there is anything to feel uncomfortable about. It gets me thinking- is it just me- maybe my expectations are just too high, maybe once my self worth improves it won't bother me. I just know that even though we're at a better place in our relationship, there is still a long road ahead. For now- I guess I'll just keep doing what I am doing b/c it is slowly but surely working.
I also think that when 2 people (addicts/alcoholics/codies, or not) get so used to being around their kids/other people that eventually they get to the point I feel we're at.
I also think that when 2 people (addicts/alcoholics/codies, or not) get so used to being around their kids/other people that eventually they get to the point I feel we're at.
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
I think you make an excellent point Sunflower. Many couples run out of things to talk about. Some enjoy the comfortable silence. Obviously you aren't one of those. Boy... I am. But my silence is never comfortable for long because Dino hates it and feels isolated by it. And I'm not chatty in the first place, so I really have to make an effort to come up with a comment to go after a story I've already heard several times. Usually I fail in the attempt. I struggle to come up with something besides a grunt and the looming silence makes the guy think I'm ignoring him. So he snarls at me for not talking to him and I forget whatever half formed idea I had and then I don't WANT to talk to him. It gets unpretty. But it's a personality issue, not a drug issue. Maybe you guys are just a little mismatched in the level-of-sound-you-want-in-the-air department.
Two things Dino has tried to make me talk are surefire conversation killers. Asking "Why the hell aren't you talking?" and trying to talk to me about something I like that he doesn't. The first part of that is alright... talking about something I like... but I'm not in the least bit interested in hearing his derision so I clam up hoping he will. Did I mention it gets unpretty?
Things he's tried that work: Telling me "news of the weird" stories. Talking about something I like that he also likes, or at least feels neutral about. Asking about my friends (unless he's mad at them at the moment... then the derision thing applies). Criticizing something I hate. That's a really good one.
Two things Dino has tried to make me talk are surefire conversation killers. Asking "Why the hell aren't you talking?" and trying to talk to me about something I like that he doesn't. The first part of that is alright... talking about something I like... but I'm not in the least bit interested in hearing his derision so I clam up hoping he will. Did I mention it gets unpretty?
Things he's tried that work: Telling me "news of the weird" stories. Talking about something I like that he also likes, or at least feels neutral about. Asking about my friends (unless he's mad at them at the moment... then the derision thing applies). Criticizing something I hate. That's a really good one.
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Ward and I have been married over 20 years and the conversation level comes and goes. We have a pretty routine thing happening right now...we barely talk and that is fine with me. Like Smoke said...how many times can I listen to the same story? Ward is obsessed with the weather (he works outside) and I work in a nice temperature controlled office and care only because when it is 90 his will be a crab. Sports?? Nope, does nothing for me. Decorating or cleaning products? Does nothing for him. Right now it is mostly "Get your cloths off the chair" (me) and "What did you charge on Visa?" (him)
I had to laugh about the hubby in the passenger seat conversations. I had to drive Ward to work after his DUI and I ended up threatening to pull the car over and make him walk!! :saywhat?: By the time the 6 months was grinding to a halt I ran a red arrow (5am, no traffic) and he did not say a word!
All marrages have a lull...I wouldn't get too worried about it.
Hugs,
JT
I had to laugh about the hubby in the passenger seat conversations. I had to drive Ward to work after his DUI and I ended up threatening to pull the car over and make him walk!! :saywhat?: By the time the 6 months was grinding to a halt I ran a red arrow (5am, no traffic) and he did not say a word!
All marrages have a lull...I wouldn't get too worried about it.
Hugs,
JT
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sulphur LA
Posts: 47
After a 5 year stand-off and 3 years of affairs comming to light, casual conversation was extemely difficult. We each realized that if things were going to improve, we needed to find a way to communicate with each other. I can't say that any one or two things did the trick. We just kept working at it until, eventually, the conversation became a little less strained.
We have 3 kids so they were (usually) safe topics. The weather was another relatively safe topic. If I knew that we were going to be alone for several hours, i.e. go out to diner or whatever, I would watch the news or read news articles for topics of conversation. The important thing was to TALK! If there was a misunderstanding about a point of view, it was good practice to try to clarify your POV. Don't let a disagreement go unresolved unless the discussion becomes heated. Practice clarifying your POV without getting angry or hurt or defensive. That is MUCH easier said than done, however, continually avoiding topics because they are sore spots is what kills communication in the first place. Eventually you will be able to tell when a conversation is going in a heated direction and will learn to diffuse the situation by 1) changing the subject, 2) agreeing to discuss it later, 3) agreeing to disagree.
None of this is easy and will take continued effort. DON"T GIVE UP. I think it was about 6 months before our conversation became less strained.
Here is an article from Marriage Builders that may help you. Sorry if the link was posted before. I didn't read through all the replys.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html
We have 3 kids so they were (usually) safe topics. The weather was another relatively safe topic. If I knew that we were going to be alone for several hours, i.e. go out to diner or whatever, I would watch the news or read news articles for topics of conversation. The important thing was to TALK! If there was a misunderstanding about a point of view, it was good practice to try to clarify your POV. Don't let a disagreement go unresolved unless the discussion becomes heated. Practice clarifying your POV without getting angry or hurt or defensive. That is MUCH easier said than done, however, continually avoiding topics because they are sore spots is what kills communication in the first place. Eventually you will be able to tell when a conversation is going in a heated direction and will learn to diffuse the situation by 1) changing the subject, 2) agreeing to discuss it later, 3) agreeing to disagree.
None of this is easy and will take continued effort. DON"T GIVE UP. I think it was about 6 months before our conversation became less strained.
Here is an article from Marriage Builders that may help you. Sorry if the link was posted before. I didn't read through all the replys.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
Wow, thank you all for making me feel so much better, and not so ALONE! I've felt like it was just me for so long! I know my silence stems from all the one-sided drunken rantings where to speak just meant more ugliness and mean words, so I never spoke. And even now when he's not drinking, I self-monitor so heavily that by the time I've decided something seems "safe" to say, the moment is past..... alas! It sometimes just feels like tip-toeing through a land mine of past problems. I do see hope sometimes, though. And I can see the positives. Heck, I'm a great listener! And I've learned alot about watching people. And I'm not sure I've ever been a great conversationalist, but I wouldn't know as I've really always been with Beavis since quite young. (sigh) But thanks to you all, I wont give up hope, or beat myself up about this anymore! THanks to you all, once again, wonderful friends!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Dust Bunny....WOW!!! I checked out the link you gave~~ very interesting (especially the sex q&a)!!!! Thanks very much!
JT... I too have gotten to the point more than once where I just want to throw him right out of the car (or bring along a few rolls of duck tape, LOL!!). I wonder if its more a punishment for me than him??!!! No- I know this is driving him crazy- he didn't just lose his lisence, he lost his job (has another but the pay isn't too comfy!!). It'll be nice when June comes and we both can have some freedom!!! Yeah- could've been so much worse, and darn rights he deserves it!!!!
JT... I too have gotten to the point more than once where I just want to throw him right out of the car (or bring along a few rolls of duck tape, LOL!!). I wonder if its more a punishment for me than him??!!! No- I know this is driving him crazy- he didn't just lose his lisence, he lost his job (has another but the pay isn't too comfy!!). It'll be nice when June comes and we both can have some freedom!!! Yeah- could've been so much worse, and darn rights he deserves it!!!!
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey SFG,
I am not one for silence. I feel responsible for the conversation or I feel like something is wrong if there is no talking. I am getting better about relaxing with silence. Sometimes we just don't have a lot to say. Sometimes we have been around each other too much. I have found that being apart is as important to a relationship as the time shared together. When we are apart I have time to experience things for myself and enrich myself. Then I have more to give and share. But mostly I have just had to learn that there is nothing wrong with not saying anything. When there's silence, I want to "fix" it. Even when there's nothing to "fix". Hugs, Magic
I am not one for silence. I feel responsible for the conversation or I feel like something is wrong if there is no talking. I am getting better about relaxing with silence. Sometimes we just don't have a lot to say. Sometimes we have been around each other too much. I have found that being apart is as important to a relationship as the time shared together. When we are apart I have time to experience things for myself and enrich myself. Then I have more to give and share. But mostly I have just had to learn that there is nothing wrong with not saying anything. When there's silence, I want to "fix" it. Even when there's nothing to "fix". Hugs, Magic
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
Sunflowergal< I agree with d.bunny. It has taken awhile for things to get back to feeling comfortable again after so many things have come between me an my husband. We go to a city about 45 minutes away to have dinner or go shopping and I remember feeling like crying by the time I got home because I felt so tense and distant from him. It has been almost 9 months that he has been clean and it is getting better. I used to try and force conversation but then I realized that it was okay to not say anything. I just turn up the music and try to focus on the good things in life.
These days things are getting better and it is a good thing because we go to all of my sons baseball games out of town and I don't like feeling that I have to find things to talk about. It is hard to accept that, after you have been so close. You know I think it was me that was bothered by that, because my H is comfortable with silence. Hang in there...we have to keep working on us!!!!Take-Care, Lady
These days things are getting better and it is a good thing because we go to all of my sons baseball games out of town and I don't like feeling that I have to find things to talk about. It is hard to accept that, after you have been so close. You know I think it was me that was bothered by that, because my H is comfortable with silence. Hang in there...we have to keep working on us!!!!Take-Care, Lady
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