why is letting go so hard?

Old 11-08-2012, 09:28 PM
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why is letting go so hard?

I wish I could be strong and feel 100% certain that leaving my Heroin addict boyfriend is the right decision. I seem to think that breaking up, kicking out is the right choice until I feel the need to bring back, love and support again. I know my wishy washy ways got me in this mess in the first place but I barricaded my rights of choice by getting my family involved. Now, I cannot choose to be with my AB because my parents will have nothing to do with me if I ever go back. This kills me inside as I realized that I may never love anyone as much as I love him.
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Old 11-08-2012, 10:38 PM
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Hmmm... I can relate. my family wants me to decide if my ABF relapses again then I need to leave. I know we are very different people and have different beliefs but I was raised in a Christian home and was taught to love everyone, even people who hurt me and to always forgive and never hold a grudge, so for me... I justify my codependency by saying what would Jesus do? He would forgive he would comfort he would rescue, and so Im torn. you are far better off than me, because I haven't made the decision to leave...
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Old 11-08-2012, 10:52 PM
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I justify my codependency by saying what would Jesus do? He would forgive he would comfort he would rescue, and so Im torn.
I think Jesus' love is unconditional and there are no strings attached... he doesnt have the same type of unhealthy attachment to the people he loves like codependents have with their addicts.
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Old 11-08-2012, 11:55 PM
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Jesus n God forgive but they would let ppl make their own mistakes n learn from them xxxx
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Old 11-09-2012, 07:27 AM
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Jesus' love is uncondtional. Codependent love is conditional. Obsessive love and controllong love are selfish forms of "love."

Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. If you dont truly love yourself, you can't truly love your neighbor (AB).
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Old 11-09-2012, 09:39 AM
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I am in almost the same dilemma except its my teenage kids who keep telling me to give up on him. Its a rock and a hard place and my own sanity and his manipulation is such that i can't see the wood for the trees at the moment. I kick him out when he has sedan he stays clean for a week or two then does it again and i kick him out again and he goes off and gets his fill for a few days until i am missing him so much that i take him back. Again and again we go round on this merry go round. But he is clever enough to realise my weaknesses and again he continues with the best of both worlds. I'm not strong enough to give him up and he's not strong enough to give up the smack. Its got to the point that i realise now through reading posts on here etc that i am not helping him by letting him do this...he has to reach his rock bottom and giving him my love is not the best for him. I need to realise this and practice tough love. Its so hard though when it tears you apart not to call him back etc when you miss them so bad! But i am beginning to understand that this is the best way to love him...to leave him. I am going to have to, sadly there are others out there who will cushion him from hitting his rock bottom too. So i guess i have to look at whether i want to spend anymore months/years/the rest of my life with some one who loves his needles more than me and some one i will never trust, who's not even here half of the time, some one who's every word i have to question. Don't get me wrong i adore this man and he's so lovely in so many ways but so was Jeckyll but Hyde won in the end.
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Old 11-09-2012, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Lily1918 View Post
I justify my codependency by saying what would Jesus do? He would forgive he would comfort he would rescue...
And then he LEFT and went to the next town to do more good with no strings attached and without expecting anything in return for his help, and without even waiting to see if his help bore fruit.

He saved the woman from being stoned and told her, go and sin no more. And then he LEFT. It was up to her to decide to follow his advice or not. And if she sinned more, he didn't know in his life, and if she got herself in trouble, he did not go back and save her AGAIN.

Jesus did not stick around and save the same person over and over, to the detriment of his own life mission and to the detriment of everyone else around him.

If Jesus is your guide, go back and study him more carefully. In life he was not a push over and he was not codependent. There were people he would not bother with. There were people who he said did not deserve him. He said straight out, he did not come as a lamb (to comfort), but as a sword (to do right). Right sometimes hurts.

While I don't want to get into theological debates, and different christian sects understand him differently and I would not want to press my understanding of him on anyone; I think if you are going to use him as a guide as to how to deal with an addict, you need to go read for yourself what he said and think about what he actually DID.
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Old 11-09-2012, 12:32 PM
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Why is letting go so hard?

Because we aren't holding on for their sake, we are holding on for OUR sake. We THINK we are abandoning them, we FEEL we are abandoning ourselves.

The solution is to do it anyway, to let go, and then take care of ourselves without putting them in the middle.

It's like we need money, so we given them money, to give to us, so we don't feel poor. We are afraid if we leave, they won't give us money any more and we will be poorer than we are now.

What happens is, we leave and after a bit of pining for the money they don't and have never given us, we realize, hey! look at all this money I have, now that I'm not giving it to him to give to me.
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Old 11-09-2012, 05:54 PM
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THANK YOU, SADHEART!!!!!!!

Your words have Just helped me to find my way out of purgatory!! I've been holding myself here because I want to please God. I know He wants me to forgive my AH. It's been such a struggle for me as to what I should do after this forgiveness.

I'm going to print and hang up what you said. Thank you again. Truly.
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Old 11-14-2012, 08:06 PM
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I have been reading the language of letting go daily meditation for codependency by Melody Beatty. The past 2 months since my break with my boyfriend has been extremely heavy on my mind and mental state. This book has helped me smooth out the creases and find peace within myself for the time being. This has also been an eye opening experience in that my Ex is trying to fix his life. He will never be happy in a relationship unless he is happy with himself. We are now focusing on ourselves and hoping that we both get well. The future is undetermined but time will tell.
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Old 11-14-2012, 08:09 PM
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Tarot, I know it is extremely hard. This is my second month adjusting to the change. I still see him everyday. He is not using but has medication at his aid. It is a really hard thing to do and you must know that you may think you are not strong enough but you are. If you put yourself to the test you will see how strong you are. Maybe not right away but with time, friends and family by your side you will find your strength. The important thing you must understand is that the current situation that you are in is draining you. you are forgetting what and who makes you happy and ultimately who you are. Give letting go a chance and see if things change for the better.
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Old 11-14-2012, 08:53 PM
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even when your partner is not an addict, letting go of the fantasy of the relationship that we build in our own heads is what is hard to let go of. personally i think that we are more scared about not being missed and loved, and validating our thoughts of not being worth being wanted and loved, than walking away from an unhealthy relationship that is, if we are all honest, is not meeting any of our real needs, but filling a void of wanting to matter to someone.

if someone doesnt want us while we are standing in front of them open to be loved, then they are not worthy of us giving it to them when we walk away. if they only realise what fools they are when we leave then then let them work hard at being worthy to come back. not their words (which are empty) but their actions. are they clean, are they in counselling, do they have a job, and they own lives in order, or whatever they need to do to get their life on track. why do we hold our own selfworth so low?

its taken me 30 odd years to realise that i am friggin worth the effort of someone to put the effort in for me, and if they want to be part of my life, then they have to be ready to have high standards for themselves and their actions, and hold themselves accountable for their own actions. thats not my job. my job is to do what is right for me (and my children), and let the person i share my life with, do what is right for themselves. i am not their boss, and if they decide that we no longer work, then although i would be sad (as would they be if i made this decision) i would also know that it just isnt right anymore and its not necessarily about me (and if it is, then that is something for me to work out and address when im ready). it isnt them telling me that i am worthless (which is how i took it and why i fought so hard to win them back because i am worth it but i needed them to tell me that)

letting go is just realising that you are worth more than this person is offering. when you take away the need to be needed, and give that to yourself, you will find that this person is not even giving you that in the first place. you are the one addicted to them coming back and just saying that they cant live without you, without them actually doing anything to prove it. when you find out what the real source of your pain is, letting go and moving on becomes a lot less traumatic, and more straight forward event.
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Old 11-14-2012, 11:32 PM
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To sameasmeagain and anyone else here in the same boat. Oh right- we are all in the same boat. Here is a silly metaphor I made up.

The boat we are on is like a rescue boat in recovery and some of us are swimming for it still to get away from the crumbling wreckage. To the one that will carry us to shore. Far from the sinking titanic ship that was or is our life. Far from the stormy waters that keep us constantly in fear. We helped build that ship so it is hard to watch it sink with the one we love going down with it. But in the wake of every sinking ship- if you are near- you will get sucked down. To heal we must get on that rescue boat with others who understand and help encourage us to save ourselves. This can take a lot of time to see this reality and we may jump back in and go try to save our addicted loved one as they grasp tightly to the sinking ship. They identify so much with it that there is no separation. They do not even know the ship is sinking and even if they are aware they may feel it is too late. It is not until their higher power speaks to them and/or that you lead by example that they may indeed wake up and want to change. You cannot jump back on board or it will only sink faster. You cannot carry them to safety because they will drown you. You cannot do it by force or sheer will. Every attempt we make to save them and neglect ourselves is futile with short lived successes and damaging repercussions.

It is delusional to think we can be the master of someone else's fate. That is the delusion I have been trying to free myself from. I too have attempted so many times to help him see the light and good on him as he has been off of heroin for a long time now. And even so, I still will not consider a relationship with him. Life is on my terms and in the hands of my higher power and not under the control of a recovering addict. Bless his heart as he wants more than anything to make this work which pulls on my lonely heart strings at times.

In all reality though, we don't know what others need. We have to figure out what we need. And what I need is to work the steps and feel a sense of serenity and real love for myself. I am on step 3 which means I have 9 to go. Which means a relationship is not in my foresight. Not with him and not with anyone else. I have not always been honest about this with him or with myself or with others. My relationship right now has to be to my higher power until I reach shore. Until that inner trembling wrought with fear and distrust is lifted, I seek refuge in the hands of my higher power.

I have not heard one single success story in the thousands I have read on this forum of a happy ending where someone runs back into the arms of an active or newly recovering addict. The best we can do with an addict partner is go in cycles of an up and down relationship for years that will eventually wear on both partners and others involved- kids will most definitely and inevitably be affected and then the cycle may continue with them. It is an option to go back but not an option for me. It is for no one to judge what you decide.

By some act of grace or a miracle, in 5 or 10 years of working a serious recovery program with evidence of change that comes through actions and not through manipulative pretty words I might consider having a relationship again (and I have heard some of the most beautiful poetic romantic charming words that would bring most to their knees from my ex). But now I set my standards so high for him as to not fool myself that this is the life I want.

I am not a gambling person, but if I were, I would say that it is not a good bet to wait for them to change as we go spiritually bankrupt and forget the lives that are right in front of us. If anyone has a happy ending to their story please share as I would love to hear if anyone on this forum has happily reunited with an active or recovering addict and if so, how they did it. I think it would be good for everyone to see if it is at all possible.

Many blessings... B&B
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Old 11-15-2012, 12:00 AM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNot View Post
Jesus' love is uncondtional. Codependent love is conditional. Obsessive love and controllong love are selfish forms of "love."

Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. If you dont truly love yourself, you can't truly love your neighbor (AB).
Love it. printed it. put it on the mirror. not trying to get all theological either. I respect everyone's higher power.
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Old 11-15-2012, 06:15 AM
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Originally Posted by blackandblue View Post
I have not heard one single success story in the thousands I have read on this forum of a happy ending where someone runs back into the arms of an active or newly recovering addict.
Same here. The success stories are all, "We are one year sober" or worse "We are 90 days sober", but by year three...relapse or broken up because one partner didn't like the other in sobriety. There has to be an exception, but you NEVER hear anyone say: "My partner has been sober for five years now, and we are happy as larks and I am SO glad I stayed with him and supported him."

You never ever hear that.
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Old 11-15-2012, 06:36 AM
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Never heard it either and I have searched this forum, the internet, support groups, and the like to try to find one success story. Sobriety success and recovery success- Yes! A mended healthy relationship with an addict- No!
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Old 11-15-2012, 07:02 AM
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I broke up with my EXABF about two months ago. Letting go is the one thing I struggled with. Fortunately, during this painful and confusing period in my life, I also sought professional help. Through therapy, I have realized that many of the reasons I was holding onto this relationship had NOTHING to do with my EXABF. I felt that my EX was the love of my life, and I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that what kept me clinging to this relationship were my own personal insecurities, my feelings relating to abandonment, and my feelings about my alcoholic father. I genuinely loved my EX, and possibly still do, but it drove me crazy that I couldn't let go of someone who repeatedly demonstrated how little he loved me. When I got to the root of my issues, letting go was less of a struggle.

Don't get me wrong, I still think about him every day, but I don't long for him as i used to. Breakups in general are difficult, but breakups with addicts are even more complicated. Nothing makes sense if you focus on the addict's behavior, the answers are within ourselves.
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