redatlanta

I do.

Not a lot but when AH goes a day or a couple without drinking I get hopeful that he has come to his senses.

He stashed a bottle of vodka in the kitchen that he bought last week before I said no drinking.

I play a game that amuses me called did he or didn't he. At the end of the night or in the morning I look at the bottle to see if he drank. Sometimes I don't have to because its obvious. Some days I pull it out and its been the same place and that is when I get that hopeful feeling. Its been that way for a couple of days.

Then today was a bad day, his uncle had a stroke. I had a late day at work. I got home and he was sh** canned. Obliterated. So nervous I would notice that he sat in the chair like he was paralyzed. Wouldn't talk. Quickly said he was trying to "deal" and if I didn't mind he was just going to keep to himself. Then silence for an hour and a half. In the meantime I opened the cabinet while cooking and bottle gone. Wow....that was a hell of a lot of Vodka. A dangerous amount in my opinion. He went to bed at 8:45. We ususally tuck each other in - I was instructed to keep my seat he didn't want a tuck in tonight.

Does he really think I DON"T KNOW???? Does he really think I can't tell when he is drinking especially when he is like this? Progressive. It keeps progressing. This is the most intoxicated I have seen him.

Another night without confrontation. I got everything done I needed to. A long bath before bed. Another prayer. Please stop. Please get help.

Night all - sure I will be back soon.

Lulu39

I didn't.

My XAH would drink himself almost to comatose, in front of me, every day of his life then abuse me and therefore the kids. He had no shame whatsoever in drinking cheap red wineinabox at 11.30am. Then, if I told him at 3.00pm he was drunk and being a d*ckhead he would just deny being drunk.

dollydo

" It keeps progressing. This is the most intoxicated I have seen him. "

And, it will continue to do so. Playing warden isn't going to change a thing. What are you doing to get yourself healthy? Read Codependent No More, all the stickeys, cynical one's
blogs and meetings, how are they going?

redatlanta

My meetings are going well Dolly thanks for asking.

I am not afraid of being single. I am afraid of the confrontation to get him out of my house. So for now, this is how I am coping until I can figure it out.

redatlanta

Thanks for the suggestion to read Cynical One. I perused through a couple. I see I am an "avoider". Keeping the peace hoping it will all go away.

Its strange I don't look as myself as an enabler. "Without consequenses the alcoholic or addict will never reach their bottom".

The only consequenses in my home have been that AH has to sneak drink as opposed to drinking out in the open like that is a big deal. Other than that life goes on as usual. I want him to have consequenses - but I want them to come not from me. Getting sick, even a DUI. I am not a weak woman AT ALL, yet I don't so anything because I can't deal with his temper.

Overall even if he wasn't drinking the relationship isn't healthy. I think how often I have kept quiet and not said what I THINK, or how I FEEL as not to incite AH (Mostly when he was sober he has only relapsed in the past couple months). The times I have stood my ground were hours long arguments. In the end AH does agree to whatever the argument is about but to me ITS NOT WORTH IT to go through an evening or days of this even if the subject is a serious one - such as his drinking. I suppose that is why instead of encouraging, setting boundaries, etc I would rather just end it - so I save, save, save $$ to prepare and avoid the subject all together in the meantime.

Don't know if this is right or wrong.

MamaKit

Hey there Redatlanta,
What you wrote about the game of "did he or didn't he" and how you are an avoider, could have come from my fingers to the keyboard. In my mind, I don't see anything wrong with avoiding the confrontation. If it does nothing to change the situation, why bother. I certainly felt that way. It sounds like your saving and planning to take care of yourself so you can leave. Good for you. Whatever happens it is a good idea to have a plan.

I also understand that inkling of hope one feels when the bottle hasn't been touched. And for me, I was fooling myself when I saw that un-moved bottle as a good sign. Playing warden was the hardest thing for me to give up ( I never really did when we were still together). I had to KNOW whether he was drinking or not. He would hide himself in the basement - and I was happy to avoid him -so, I wouldn't always be able to observe him to see if he was sober or not. But really, why I checked, is because I was desperately hoping to be wrong. I SOOOO wanted him to quit. It's so sad and painful to look back at that person searching the garage or behind the tool chest in the basement hoping her husband was finally choosing his family instead of vodka.
In the end though, he was fooling himself to a greater degree. I think he convinced himself that I didn't know and that our boys didn't know. He fooled himself into thinking that the sh#$ wasn't ever really going to hit the fan and he could just keep going. And as far as I can tell, he's still fooling himself and failing to see that his drinking is why he is not with his family. Instead he has fooled himself into believing that this was some master plan of mine, orchestrated to the finest detail.

Hang in there Redatlanta,
Hugs,
MamaKit

GettingBy

Coming out of MY denial was just about the hardest part of my recovery. I wanted SOOO badly to believe that my XAH wasn't an alcoholic. I wanted to believe that he could be a social drinker and just have a few here or there. I made up all sorts of excuses to myself that would somehow make the unacceptable behavior acceptable.

I did it to protect myself from the incredible pain that was the Truth. I was scared to death to face the reality of... my husband was an alcoholic. He couldn't drink socially. He had NO control over his drinking. I had NO control over the situation. The whole thing was out of freakin' control... despite my best effort to keep up appearances.

I wanted my dream. I wanted the happy little family in the new house.

Losing all that... scared me. The thought of having to tell people what was going sent me into nervous breakdowns. I was SO ashamed and scared.

So... denial was a nice warm blanket that kept all that at bay. And kept me stuck in a REALLY bad situation.

I had plenty of AWARENESS... but ACCEPTANCE was by far the hardest step. It took me YEARS to truly accept reality. Once it came... the ACTION was much easier than I ever imagined.

Stop lying to yourself. Start telling the truth - and things will become much clearer.

Sueski

Oh, that hopeful feeling. I know that one. It's funny, even while I'm feeling it I know it's false. I know that the light drinking days will be followed by heavy drinking ones. I know this. I know it.

And still, I get that feeling.

I keep hanging on because I still see so much of the man I love. He's still there much of the time. I also do NOT want to deal with the h***storm that would ensue from any geniune boundary-setting or someone moving out. (*avoider alert*) Maybe this is cowardice, maybe it's foolish hope. Just doing what I can to take care of myself and knowing that I will figure it out at some point, these are my goals at this point. It's not easy, though. Definitely not exaggerating when I say that I know how you feel, redatlanta. Take care.

mdkathy62

Hi GettingBy,

This is exactly what I felt when I was with my XABF for three years. We were on and off 3-4 times within those three years and this last time, I knew he relapsed after six months of sobriety. I KNEW, but I ignored it. I believed every lie he told me. Of course he was just stumbling because he was tired, who wouldn't right? He lied about his relapse for two months and I believed it for two months. I wanted to be married, I wanted that house with the kids, everything. I kept telling myself of course he's sober when all the signs said otherwise. He became more reclusive, depressed, and moody--those aren't the behaviors of someone who is sober. I denied until I couldn't anymore.

I was so ashamed of telling people I finally gave up. I didn't want them to say 'yep, we told you that relationship was doomed'. I was so embarrassed and sometimes I still am today, but I have to push past it and move on with my life. Lesson learned...many times. That was the most difficult thing--doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity and I, too, as much as him, was insane. He kept picking up the drink thinking he would be ok and I kept believing his lies thinking they were the truth.

I see the way I was as very similar to him. Denial, resentment, frustration, isolation, etc. It's amazing how alcoholic is so cunning, baffling, and powerful. It sneaks into families and destroys everything in its path...