bailey17

Hi everyone, Me and XABF broke up 8months ago. It was excruciatingly hard in the beginning, but things drastically improved in my new life without him. Well, for the past month i have hit this slump of depression. Can't stop thinking about him, remembering the good times. I cry a lot. Everything reminds me of him. I feel stuck. I started therapy today to help me get through this. I dont know where it came from, everything in my life has improved incredibly since we broke up. Ive been doing great, now this! Has this ever happenes to anyone? Could this be the "depression" stage before acceptance? Also, i have remained NC. Any input would help, thanks.

ZiggyB

Hi Bailey,
Well speaking from experience the first 3 months of my breakup from axbf were very difficult. Then I also started seeing a therapist which has been very helpful - my therapist does CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which I think has been a great experience for me.

I wonder what else is going on in your life to have this come up now? And how long were you together? I guess the grief process is different for everyone and there is not timeline regarding these things, I know I was depressed first, then anxious, and very angry before I started getting to acceptance.

I've done a lot of reminiscing over good times as well, but ultimately I came to a peaceful place where I realized this was not a good relationship for me. All the chaos and the drama this man caused in my life were harming me. You must think positive thoughts and not dwell too much in negativity about having regrets, being lonely, etc. I am having a great time on my own and enjoying the freedom from his criticisms, angry spells, and not worrying about what bar he is at.

I hope the therapist helps you. Maybe this would be a good time for you to pick up some other positive things in your life - like volunteer work, some classes, a new hobby?

Tuffgirl

Grief has its own time line and progress isn't always linear! It's ok, I have ups and downs myself, and work everyday not to be in a position of "stuck". I've had to make it a priority to really focus on other things, get out and meet new people, change my old habits, find new hobbies, etc. Anything not to get in a rut.

Counseling should help, too. And don't hesitate to seek help for depression from your healthcare provider - there may be health changes you could make (change in diet, more exercise, herbal/mineral supplements, antidepressants, etc)

Stay strong! Like everything else in life - this too shall pass.
~T

dandylion

Yes, bailey, I strongly suspect that this is one of the stages of grieving. Go ahead and feel the feelings, as they will eventually pass--even though it is painful now. Sometimes, we fear the feelings because it seems they might last forever or that they will swallow us up if we "give in" to them. Feel the feelings and let them wash over you--and then away.

Very wise to seek a therapist. Actually, when we are in pain is the time that we are able to make the most progress in therapy. Sometimes, pain can be a powerful motivator!!! It is said that the seeds of recovery are sown in the time of crisis.

By the way, the holidays are approaching----this often brings feelings of sadness when we are morning a loss. Have you thought of this?

Please hang around and post as often as you want--we understand.

dandylion

woodend16

been seperated from my soon to be ex wife of 18 years for 9 months now, the first 6 months were fine started a new life, become addicted to cocaine and this in a way replaced her, but now even though i would never go back you will look back on the good times, my father always used to say that the good will always outweigh the bad.

I have stopped the cocaine and this has led to grieving for the times we had and she was and always will be a big part of my life, we were together since we were 18 had two kids together and at 44 that is a huge chunk but it does get easier believe me it does, i see her now and remember why we broke up, focus on yourself and make sure that you love yourself its hard no one is saying it isnt but you are so far down the road to turn back, enjoy the good memories and get on creating more

bailey17

Yes, the holidays coming are very scary for me. I forgot to add, i ran into him downtown 2 weeks ago with a girl. But i was already going through the depression before i saw him, this just made things worse. Also, i am very busy with work and school, not much time for hobbies. I think the therapist will be helpful. I am embarrassed to tell my family because it has been 8 months, i feel like i should be over it by now.

Titanic

After a break up, there often is a lot of busy work with new housing, separating things, social activities, and schedule, work or other changes. You may be alluding to some of those when you refer to improvements since the break up. Also, after a break up there may be some amount of denial or shock.

Those things do not happen overnight. A lot of time can pass. However, when those things settle down, the cold reality of the break up finally can hit as one is alone with oneself. This especially can hit home at night, laying in bed, when one's defenses are down ... or first thing in the morning when one wakes to the light of truth, not that of a dream.

That is when the import of it all - the cold feeling of loneliness and depression - can wash over one like a wide swath of gray clouds.

soexhausted

Hi Bailey,
It was not that long ago that after my XAGF got out of rehab I asked her to remember to save two special days for me in November.
One being her birthday. And the other Thanksgiving.
Lately I have been feeling down thinking about how now we will not be together for either one of them.
Then I remember that on her birthday she would give herself permission to get really drunk.
The night usually ended with us fighting then her passing out.
Last year she did not come to my family's Thanksgiving because she knew that she could not drink the way she wanted too in front of them. So she went to a bar.
I was sad and embarrassed.
The night ended with us fighting then her passing out.
She is now going on 90 days sober. But her behavior has not changed.
The lying, secrets and manipulation are still very much in tact.
So when I start to feel sad I remind myself of what I am really missing.
Our fond memories of the past are our fantasy.
When you start to feel sad remember the true reality of it all.
It takes the sadness away.

dollydo

Holidays can be rough, be patient, you will get through this.

BrokenHeartWife

This is my future XAH. He brags that he's about 60 days sober, but he's still lying, being verbally abusive, keeping secrets, and manipulating. From what I've read that means that he's not "really" sober, he's just a dry drunk.