Lily1918

I've been lingering here for almost 6 months, and finally decided to post. I have an ABF and I find myself struggling with my recovery even though He is sober and working and responsible cith his finances, so why don't I trust him? How can I trust him and let go of everything that happened before rehab? Should I? I always doubt. always. I don't want to be a codie anymore and I don't know how, even with Nar anon. thanks for reading. Just needed to vent.

LoveMeNow

Welcome Lily. This a great site with great people, so I hope you stick around!!

Have you read Codependent No More yet??

eveleivibe

I'm not a codie but just want to give you a hug as think you need one. You'll get plenty of support here from ppl going through the same wxperience.

If your bf has given you reason not to trust him then it will take time to rebuild that trust.

Take care xxx

Lily1918

I haven't read it yet. Im afraid. afraid that the only answer is to leave when all I want to do is stay. My family says he's worth it and so does my heart. everything I read, however says Im setting up for failure.... one day at a time I suppose :l

LoveMeNow

The book is for you not him....but your getting healthy is important to his recovery as well.

Cynical One has a great blog. Maybe you can start there???

kthopkt

In my situation I had to leave. Too much damage had been done & no matter how hard I tried I no longer trusted him. Ended up being one of the best decisions I ever made.

crazybabie

Will you ever trust him again I don't know what I do know is trust is not unearned overnight nor is it earned back quickly and it has to be earned.

Welcome to SR.

eveleivibe

Melanie Beattie has a new book called The new CoDependency. It is ace - has tasks in it n she has been on both sides: she was also an alcoholic n addict n had a husband who was an alcoholic for 7 yrs i think xxx

Lily1918

Wow thanks you guys. everyone is so kind and honest. my question is this: am I not supposed to care about whether or not he's sober? He was late showing up with a legit excuse "fell asleep" at the movies but had also worked a 12 hour day... is it dependency to think and call him out on these things like being late and nodding out, or is it enabling to ignore them? I hope I make sense. I have found some hobbies to occupy my time and am really trying to pray and find out what God wants me to do. I realize now that I was a codie before i met this boy, but when he went to rehab and I went to PALS and they sent me to Nar-anon I realized I've had this problem since I was a teen. boys are my DOC soooo.... now what? Thanks again everyone. Im glad to "meet " all of you

Ann

Lily, do yourself a favour and read Codependent No More, I promise you that you will think it was written about you. It's a wonderful book about what codependency is, how we got this way and how we can live in a healthier way. The choice to stay or go is always yours to make, and yours alone. The book tells us how to take care of ourselves and is not about just leaving, I promise.

Glad you joined us, give trust time, it has to be earned by them and is not something we "give" on our own. You'll be okay, give yourself time to heal.

Hugs

Lily1918

I want to clarify that he passes his drug tests just fine, so I just need ro let it go and stop worrying and accusing. excited to rhad these books. thanks again everyone

Lily1918

Looking forward to reading these books for sure!

Jody675

i read somewhere recently about listening to your heart when you have other issues going on inside of you. basically your gut and heart have no idea what is the right thing for you for you dont know what the right thing is. (youre a codie, i have engulfment issues...i dont like people getting close). my heart use to tell me what was right and id fall for it every time. my gut use to say it may not be wise, but hey, who knows, i could be wrong. so id go for it. look at the facts in your relationship. your bf is in recovery (awesome), but you have been hurt and no longer trust him (understandable). your bf though at this point is clean (as far as you know). question is, what is it going to take for you to trust him again. why dont you trust him? what are you scared of? at the end of the day, if you are not going to ever trust him (and the chances of a full recovery are not in his favour) then why stay in this relationship. trust is one of the foundation building blocks for any relationship. no trust, then your relationship will always be toxic.

next thing to think about is your issue with your DOC...men. what is missing in your life that you think you need them to validate you? what are they giving you that you cant give yourself? what is the source of your addiction?

believe it or not, all you need to do is to work on yourself, and let your bf work on himself, and more will be revealed about what the right answer should be. set some good boundaries for yourself and enjoy the path you have decided to take.

good luck.

Lily1918

"next thing to think about is your issue with your DOC...men. what is missing in your life that you think you need them to validate you? what are they giving you that you cant give yourself? what is the source of your addiction?

believe it or not, all you need to do is to work on yourself, and let your bf work on himself, and more will be revealed about what the right answer should be. set some good boundaries for yourself and enjoy the path you have decided to take."

hmmm Idk why... I guess I watched all of my friends grow up in hs where thier parents had been married for 20 years and got along and didn't break dishes. I always wanted that and looked in all the wrong places. Ridiculous. I know.

Jody675

lily every family is not perfect. what looks fine on the outside can pretty horrific on the inside. but i know we all what a perfect family. mine was pretty crap. no addiction, but my mum had no idea how to express love, and my dad was a control freak. i just wanted someone to tell me they loved me and i was worth it. i looked at men for this missing piece in my life. im 41 and im now and only in the past 10 years have been really working on myself. still have a long way to go, but men are not the answer.

Lily1918

I know that in my head but not in my heart :l I feel like Im stupid because if I do want a nice husband with a nice job who loves Jesus and loves our family, then why am I dating a drug addict? 2+2 does not equal 5. Why don't I cut ties, move on, and wait on God? Ugh because I still have that hope.... faith... whatever "well mine is different, everything else about him is sooooooo wonderful ugh... when he gets deeper into his recovery he won't be late to work anymore... my God can work miracles... when he has 2 or more years of sobriety under his belt he's gonna be everything I ever wanted, and if I walk away from him now when times are hard then he will never come back to me further down the road..." this is how I rationalize staying in his life. Im working the 4th step and its rough. sorry for exploding. My higher power is in Christianity and the Bible has been ripping me apart with this self inventory my BFs are always my idols

Faithlove

Lily,

I think that sometimes God wants us to step back for a bit and get out of His way so He can help our loved one. Let go and let God....

You're still very young. You have plenty of time to find the husband God has for you. My advice is not to settle (which I have no idea if that's what you're doing) for someone because you think they might turn out to be the husband you w
are hoping for.

You don't have to stand by him. You're allowed to step back and figure yourself out first. Did you get to read Codependent No More? I think there are other books that might also interest you and they talk about safe people, etc. I haven't read those yet. Another book you might try is called Boundaries. It's written by two Christians. They're awesome.

Lily1918

just ordered both! Im so super excited to get them. I've read smoke and mirrors but I hate how it focuses on them and what they do. I want to learn how to worry about me and what I am doing