majool

I have'nt been on here for 6 months - didn't realise it had been that long - and almost exactly one year since my first post.
When i first posted, i couldn't imagine i could keep going for another year..but here i am!! still going through it, still desperately hoping the promises aren't more lies, still finding the empties. All this despite the fact that we lost our home as he didn't pay the rent (again), couldn't pay the bills (again) and I was so close to moving out with my boys - i worked out i could afford it, looked at houses, spoke to my boss so work understood etc. And then i found out he used so much money i couldn't afford to get a new home, childcare etc. three weeks ago he left for one night - i wrote him a long letter, detailing the incidents over the last 12 years, and the damage done. he said he could not believe i thought that way about him!!! he then came home, said he had done a lot of thinking, and total abstinence was the only way for him. Again, i fell for it. Again, he has let me down. Why am i so weak and foolish! I could scream

Rosiepetal

Hi there.
You are not weak & foolish.
You are living with an addicted partner & it takes it toll on everybody close to him.
It may be time to ask yourself if this really is the future you want for you & your kids?
Do you wish to stay in a rollercoaster ride of emotion?

Is it possible to stay with family or friends to take some time out to think?

I've recently left my ABF because I was over the broken promises, no change & wanted off the rollercoaster.
I see things more clearly now I've had the break away.
Glad your back with SR, I no how hard it can be to go through this.
Keep posting, we're here for you.

majool

thanks Rosiepetal - well done you!!! i have 'edged' around the courage it takes to leave, so i truly hope life gets easier for you now.
With the exception of my boss, nobody knows about the situation - i don't understand why, but i am very protective of him (despite everything) and don't want people to think badly of him (my family would not see it for what it is, but make him the 'bad person'). Also i think i still live in hope - and once it is spoken, that's kind of final. However, i know i am only fooling myself. It's a yo-yo of anger at myself, and anger at him. I am so tired.

SparkleKitty

Majool, the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to try to stop blaming yourself for how things have turned out! You made the choices you made and those cannot be undone, but you have learned from them. Have you sought out any kind of recovery for yourself? Al-Anon or counseling? Maybe bringing the focus back to what you want and need can help you move forward in a positive direction.

And welcome back! Don't stay away so long next time!

Rosiepetal

It's only natural you feel that way.
I to do not talk about my ABF either to family or friends. I have maybe 2 close friends I've confided in so I understand where you're coming from there.
I also lived in hope but things got worse & I decided I deserved better & in particular respect. I miss him bigtime but it is getting easier.
I am fairly new to SR but it is a wonderful place full of friends, advice & information & it has helped me gain strength. I found it very helpful to learn all about alcoholism & to read others stories. I have a wealth of knowledge already & it has helped me view things differently.
Just taking time out & away from the situation helps to clear the mind - eventually lol.
Sorry for what your going through.
Keep posting, reading & learning.
Hugs to you.

majool

Thanks! I had got the details for my local al-anon group, was plucking up the strength to go, then he found the paper. He was deeply insulted that i needed support and help - apparently it is his problem (but not enough of one to deal with) despite me going on about the damage he has caused. Perhaps he was scared it would make me stronger? and also the classic selfishness.

dollydo

You can jump off the rollercoaster any time you choose to do so. I imagine that you understand that your children are being affected by living in a home where addiction is present. They will carry their childhood into adulthood, this enviornment is toxic and counterprotective to their well-being.

What is your payoff? There is a reason that you continue to accept his bad behavior. Have you read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers? Cynical one's blog and Codependent No More?

I would suggest that you do all of the above. Hoping, wishing and enabling him is not going to change a thing.

Good Luck!

SparkleKitty

That is a classic tactic of the alcoholic. They get very scared when their co-dependents start to change because it threatens how they get by. He is just trying to maintain the status quo, because if nothing changes, he can continue to drink and suffer no consequences for it.

Don't fall for it! Al-Anon is for YOU. He's insulted? Oh well! It's none of his business. Stay strong!

majool

i think the reason i continue is the fear that i can't do it on my own. Earn money, look after my kids, keep a home etc - all the stuff that millions of people do every day - but i don't believe i am good enough to do it myself.

Rosiepetal

Majool, when I told my alcoholic boyfriend I thought I needed to seek help help due to the alcoholism affecting me he said:
Whatever, get over it!
Says it all really doesn't it.
They are in denial so therefore they deny anybody has a problem with their drinking.
Do it for you honey.

SparkleKitty

You are probably already doing this. You just have the additional burden of an alcoholic thrown into the mix!

Have you considered a therapist to address these issues of low self-esteem?

fedup3

Sparklekitty is right on, there was a time I thought how could I do it on my own and then realized I had been doing it on my own for half my marriage.

majool

sparkle, fedup - you are right! i do nearly always feel i am doing it on my own - he doesn't work, but does most of the child care as i work full time.
The self-esteem is a life-long issue, and i hate it. In some ways i am stronger than i was, but with him? No. Maybe that's why he chose me - i'm easily controllable and manipulated

majool

this rings so true! he made me feel i was over reacting - but your words help me see that's not case. Thank you x

SparkleKitty

I have had self-esteem issues my entire life, too, deeply rooted in my childhood. My mother was an alcoholic, angry all the time, never happy with anything. I grew up thinking if I was just perfect, then she would be happy. And if I wasn't, then I was unworthy of being loved. There was no in between, no gray area, and no question that wasn't thinking rationally.

Eventually these issues caught up with me when my first marriage fell apart. I got into therapy and stayed there for five years. I guess my point is that it's never too late to start figuring out what makes you tick. Once I understood where I came from it was a lot easier to start thinking about myself differently and letting go of those old patterns and ideas that may have helped me survive my mom, but had no place in my adult world.

You are worthy of love and respect. From others, yes. But also from yourself.

majool

my father and grandmother took their own lives when i was a baby - not the best start!! as a result (and through other reasons) my mother's esteem was shot - she transferred this to me and my siblings. My sister has suffered extreme depression, and had a very poor marraige. looking at these words written down now - maybe we both fell into the trap of trying to 'fix' people, so bad things didnn't happen to them - that's probably why i can't let go.

SparkleKitty

How about we say it might be why you haven't let go?

Those are big, multi-generational burdens you have on your shoulders. Counseling can help relieve that burden, if you can give it a shot.

majool

I like that!!!

majool

so today i went to the bin and found it half full of empties. when he demanded money to get diy supplies and i told him no (cos u can bet it wouldn't all go on paintbrushes) he started - despite my best intentions not to control, i told him i knew he was drinking again. he then called me, amongst others 'a selfish bitch who knows nothing'. i am selfish for working my ass off, trying to have quality time with my kids and keep my calm when i want to scream my head off at him for destroying my marriage and ultimately hurting our boys. why the hell can't i just go now?? what is my problem that makes me constantly worry about his future, when my ONLY focus should be me and my little ones. and what if they hate me for taking them away from the dad they love? what if they choose him?? what hurts them more? this distant angry relationship, or having their lives turned upside down.

SadHeart

What is final? Separation and divorce?

Absolutely not. You can separate and divorce and give him time and space to think and work out abstinence. And if he ever gets his act together you can get back together. If he never gets his act together, then you've created a better life for yourself sooner rather than later.

Leaving is never final--unless they don't change.

(but what if I leave, he changes and someone else gets the new, improved him?--it doesn't ever happen that way. If it looks that way, it only means the 'new improved' him still isn't really right for you. He didn't actually improve in the way that will create mutual happiness).