Any success stories?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 7
Any success stories?
Hi, I'm new here and was wondering if anyone knows of any success stories of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Does it always turn out badly? My boyfriend is a functioning alcoholic and we have been together for two years but recently things have made a downward turn and I'm trying to decide whether to give him the option of trying to quit and go to AA or just getting out of the relationship ASAP.
Any thoughts?
Any thoughts?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I don't have a success story to share, but I WILL share what I have heard many, many times in the halls of Al Anon: take a look at the relationship the way it is right now. Now imagine yourself in that exact same position, in the exact same situation, 10 years from now. 25 years from now. 40 years from now. I have heard many times that continuing a relationship because of an expectation that it will "get better" can be a recipe for disaster, and that is wise to NOT have any expectation that the alcoholic in your life will get any better at all. If you are willing to live the way you live now, for years and years and years, then there's your answer. If you're not willing to live that way for years and years and years, then THERE'S your answer.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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I want to wish you the best. The most important thing is take care of you!
After two years of lived with an active A, I broke up with my ABF. He then surprised me greatly by comitting himself to AA. He is 120 days sober, going to daily meetings, and seems to be in a good, strong place with that so far. I've continued my recovery with therapy and prayer.
That said, our relationship is better in ways, it's not in others. I think I'm now seeing what he was medicating (anxiety, anger, projection), and it has been its own challenge. Our relationship also seems lacking in intimacy, emotionally and physically.
I know recovery is possible when parties are willing to do the work. I wouldn't recommend a relationship with an active alcoholic (I will never do that again). And relationships with recovering alcoholics are no picnics either.
After two years of lived with an active A, I broke up with my ABF. He then surprised me greatly by comitting himself to AA. He is 120 days sober, going to daily meetings, and seems to be in a good, strong place with that so far. I've continued my recovery with therapy and prayer.
That said, our relationship is better in ways, it's not in others. I think I'm now seeing what he was medicating (anxiety, anger, projection), and it has been its own challenge. Our relationship also seems lacking in intimacy, emotionally and physically.
I know recovery is possible when parties are willing to do the work. I wouldn't recommend a relationship with an active alcoholic (I will never do that again). And relationships with recovering alcoholics are no picnics either.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Of course there are successes, most often following a period of abstinence and healing. Bunches of people quit addictions, and their relationships are restored or new ones created. That's been the case with me and many others I know.
Relationships with currently addicted people are usually problematic, but not always, and it depends on the people involved. One of my good, recovered friends is married to someone who remains alcohol dependent. It's not what I'd want for myself, but she is content. He isn't abusive, and she has very strong boundaries.
One hint: if you do decide to stick around, don't insist on telling your boyfriend HOW he has to get sober. AA does not have a monopoly on recovery.
Relationships with currently addicted people are usually problematic, but not always, and it depends on the people involved. One of my good, recovered friends is married to someone who remains alcohol dependent. It's not what I'd want for myself, but she is content. He isn't abusive, and she has very strong boundaries.
One hint: if you do decide to stick around, don't insist on telling your boyfriend HOW he has to get sober. AA does not have a monopoly on recovery.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
People, and relationships, that are successful in general are not posting on these kinds of boards. This is not the place to come for success stories. Most people come on boards when they are in crisis. Or trying to get over one!
I know a lot of people who have been very successful in sobriety and in relationships that are going strong. In fact, a majority of people in my life are successful, I can only think of one who is still struggling. That's not to say that they haven't had their down times.
EVERYONE does. That's simply life.
OnlyTheTruth speaks the truth! :-)
I know a lot of people who have been very successful in sobriety and in relationships that are going strong. In fact, a majority of people in my life are successful, I can only think of one who is still struggling. That's not to say that they haven't had their down times.
EVERYONE does. That's simply life.
OnlyTheTruth speaks the truth! :-)
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by WishingWell 
This is not the place to come for success stories. Most people come on boards when they are in crisis. Or trying to get over one!
There are MANY members here who have come through crises and are out the other side who post often and who inspire others to seek what THEY need for THEIR own lives and their own recovery.
It depends on what one's definition of "success" is.
This life you are living now IS NOT your dress rehearsal.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 804
I also disagree. I am the a in my life but I have been sober for 5+ months and my marriage is doing well. Is it perfect? No, but what is? I think that I am working on rebuilding trust through my actions more than my words. I am very committed to my relationship and I know that staying sober is the only hope. That's why I work hard every day to maintain it. My life and everything in it is a gift.
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I see this question a lot and I always wonder when a person asks it what their definition of "sucess" is.
I never know how to answer without that part of it.
I personally have found a lot of sucess in my recovery, but if sucess is defined as my relationship with my loved one that got me here than my relationship was not successful.
I never know how to answer without that part of it.
I personally have found a lot of sucess in my recovery, but if sucess is defined as my relationship with my loved one that got me here than my relationship was not successful.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I agree about being sure to have a clear definition of success. If you look at only my relationship with the guy I was married to when I quit drinking, that could not be categorized as a success.
Strange though; I don't think my addiction was the reason my first marriage ended in divorce. My recovery did that. My first husband....he liked the control he had over me when I was drunk and guilty all the time. He did not like the strong woman I became once I quit; he did not like me with self-esteem and a voice of my own.
But I think both of us have found success in our own ways. We've both remarried, him to a woman who is more of the type he prefers, me to...well, the most wonderful guy in the world.
Strange though; I don't think my addiction was the reason my first marriage ended in divorce. My recovery did that. My first husband....he liked the control he had over me when I was drunk and guilty all the time. He did not like the strong woman I became once I quit; he did not like me with self-esteem and a voice of my own.
But I think both of us have found success in our own ways. We've both remarried, him to a woman who is more of the type he prefers, me to...well, the most wonderful guy in the world.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I also disagree that there are NO success stories while simultaneously agreeing that the definition of "success" is subjective to your personal definition.
RAH is 15 months sober at this point & despite the fact that it is a VERY long, hard road for both of us to wade through, it's his commitment to sobriety that is the single thread holding the entire thing together. With that, we can both actively pursue recovery individually & together & as a family unit. Because he's committed, even the worst day we go through now is better than my best day with him actively drinking. But he HAS to want that for himself, it's not something I can demand or turn into an ultimatum or control in any way.
RAH is 15 months sober at this point & despite the fact that it is a VERY long, hard road for both of us to wade through, it's his commitment to sobriety that is the single thread holding the entire thing together. With that, we can both actively pursue recovery individually & together & as a family unit. Because he's committed, even the worst day we go through now is better than my best day with him actively drinking. But he HAS to want that for himself, it's not something I can demand or turn into an ultimatum or control in any way.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
I see this question a lot and I always wonder when a person asks it what their definition of "sucess" is.
I never know how to answer without that part of it.
I personally have found a lot of sucess in my recovery, but if sucess is defined as my relationship with my loved one that got me here than my relationship was not successful.
I never know how to answer without that part of it.
I personally have found a lot of sucess in my recovery, but if sucess is defined as my relationship with my loved one that got me here than my relationship was not successful.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
i have been in my relationship for a over 4 years and can say this with certainty.....its hard it gets hard. its good at first and then you realize whats happening and when you do you go into fight or flight mode. leaving or staying in the relationship arent your only options you can pick fight and flight and continue the relationship while having left for a little to give yourself time away and the option for him alone to decide what he wants to do, i knew that eventually after trying everything ultimatums and talks and pushes and the anger/hurt that eventually i needed to stop relying on him to make this decision and so ive been gone for a week but still in my relationship am just allowing him his time to recover and my time to recover even with that its still hard because even if we want to believe that like ourselves understand the gravity of this disease they may not fully and so we pick and prod for them to connect with us on that level. dont. just give him/yourself time and send him your support and love. 1 week isnt alot of time but its the longest weve been without eachother in the last two years and it has been a discovery of ourselves and of what i really didnt understand about myself and what i needed to do to help the situation. i found myself the first few days getting upset when i thought he aas drinking, when he didnt text or call me and when i worried about what he was doing without me and now after that ive learned that it wasnt a magic button i pushed when i left and he had been drinking at first but that he didnt text or call because he himself was seeking help. try not to take too much into what alcoholism is doing to him and rely on what you are doing for yourself and yes there are plenty of success stories but the real success in their stories are finding themselves first and then eachother. you cant get the second without the first. good luck
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 7
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I guess that what I meant by success was where the alcholic becomes sober and the relationship is able to grow. I'd been doing some research online and it seemed that most peoples' advice about being in a relationship with an alcoholic was to get out ASAP that they can't change. I was finding that rather disheartening and was thinking to myself that surely there are some people, somewhere who stayed together, the alcoholic got sober and it was worth sticking by them.
When my boyfriend and I first got together I attributed his drinking to the holiday season and his recent divorce. I nearly called it off in the early days because I found it annoying that he was drinking all the time (I'm not a big drinker), but he seemed so loving, kind and respectful - even when drunk. Over the past two years we have had multiple discussions about his drinking, he knows how I feel about it.
Recently his drunk behavior was getting worse, he started to talk to me like I was stupid and would yell at me. This last Saturday when I had come down in the morning (he spent the night on the couch where he fell asleep/passed out the night before and I hadn't been able to wake him) he was already drunk. He spent all Saturday yelling and being angry, yelling at the dogs and even the woman on the tv to "shut the **ck up". A couple of times that day I thought he could do it, he was capable of hitting me. I wanted to tell him then to leave, that it was over, but I was afraid that he would get violent if I did. I wanted to leave the house but didn't want to leave the pets with him.
Sunday he didn't drink and got the shakes. We only had half of the conversation that I planned to have with him because things seemed to be going ok. Monday night he comes home with a bottle and says he isn't going to get crazy - he gets a little drunk but happy drunk. Tuesday night he gets drunk again - but it's the mean drunk again, talking to me like I'm stupid and telling me he's getting tired of this.
Last night I told him that I was done with his drunk self. He could sober up or he could leave. I told him that Saturday was a turning point for me, that I was afraid of him then and that I wasn't going to live that way. He had agreed to try and get sober - first of all he said he was going to avoid the alcohol that he says makes him mean, but we've been there before and it never stuck. I told him no, no alcohol at all - except that he will have to wean himself off it, he will need to go to a doctor to get advice on that. He gets the shakes if he doesn't drink. I was disappointed about him saying that he would "try" to get sober, I'm not sure if he realises just how serious I am right now. I suggested AA but he said he tried it before and it didn't help him.
When my boyfriend and I first got together I attributed his drinking to the holiday season and his recent divorce. I nearly called it off in the early days because I found it annoying that he was drinking all the time (I'm not a big drinker), but he seemed so loving, kind and respectful - even when drunk. Over the past two years we have had multiple discussions about his drinking, he knows how I feel about it.
Recently his drunk behavior was getting worse, he started to talk to me like I was stupid and would yell at me. This last Saturday when I had come down in the morning (he spent the night on the couch where he fell asleep/passed out the night before and I hadn't been able to wake him) he was already drunk. He spent all Saturday yelling and being angry, yelling at the dogs and even the woman on the tv to "shut the **ck up". A couple of times that day I thought he could do it, he was capable of hitting me. I wanted to tell him then to leave, that it was over, but I was afraid that he would get violent if I did. I wanted to leave the house but didn't want to leave the pets with him.
Sunday he didn't drink and got the shakes. We only had half of the conversation that I planned to have with him because things seemed to be going ok. Monday night he comes home with a bottle and says he isn't going to get crazy - he gets a little drunk but happy drunk. Tuesday night he gets drunk again - but it's the mean drunk again, talking to me like I'm stupid and telling me he's getting tired of this.
Last night I told him that I was done with his drunk self. He could sober up or he could leave. I told him that Saturday was a turning point for me, that I was afraid of him then and that I wasn't going to live that way. He had agreed to try and get sober - first of all he said he was going to avoid the alcohol that he says makes him mean, but we've been there before and it never stuck. I told him no, no alcohol at all - except that he will have to wean himself off it, he will need to go to a doctor to get advice on that. He gets the shakes if he doesn't drink. I was disappointed about him saying that he would "try" to get sober, I'm not sure if he realises just how serious I am right now. I suggested AA but he said he tried it before and it didn't help him.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Good for you for standing up for yourself. Sounds like things have been out of control.
So have you thought about how long you are going to give him to sober up? If you intend to follow up on your boundary, you should have an idea of what success and failure both look like so you can determine your course of action. I would beware abstinence without recovery -- it does not not usually lead to the best results.
I am sorry you've had to live like this. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders -- it can be so easy to lose that when you are involved in someone else's addiction.
Please keep reading and posting!
So have you thought about how long you are going to give him to sober up? If you intend to follow up on your boundary, you should have an idea of what success and failure both look like so you can determine your course of action. I would beware abstinence without recovery -- it does not not usually lead to the best results.
I am sorry you've had to live like this. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders -- it can be so easy to lose that when you are involved in someone else's addiction.
Please keep reading and posting!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Washington, D.C.
Posts: 9
weaning
Is weaning even an option, really? I take it that the "shakes" are an advanced physiological dependance symptom, what about we they just have to "have it" ? How do you tell between what is real and what is manipulation? Should you give them the means to have "just a little' in hopes that if they get through another day that they may make a change? Seems there's a lot of "just let them bottom" and tough love stances but these are people that we care about. Bottom can be a really bad and long lasting place, if given time might they come to their senses and tire of living a sucky life? to give background, i am dealing with a young man who already has a felony record, no friends, no job or motivation, who drinks and goes to sleep because there's no reason to stay awake. mind you he only drinks about a six of beer a day, yet he acts as though he's been drinking fifths for years with the "I just have to have it" trip. Can you really be that strung out on a six a day? or is it just immaturity, he's proven himself capable of doing the stupidest things just to get some alcohol.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Hi KayBay,
Thanks for sharing. I don't know what the statistics are for success, but I can only tell you my own story. A little over two weeks ago, I left my XABF of 3 years. He had been 6 months sober, then relapsed, and lied about it for two months (so we thought he was 8 months sober). Before finding out that he relapsed, recovery itself was a difficult time. His sponsor used to tell me when I went to AA with him that recovery is just as hard as being with an active alcoholic because now he is addressing all the reasons that provoked him to drink and those reasons are usually really deep and difficult to address. While he was sober, there was a significant drop in intimacy. He isolated himself a lot as he was reflecting on his life. We had a lot of GREAT moments though. I was the happiest I had ever been with him when he was sober. I kept telling myself, this was the person I knew he was beneath all the alcohol.
When he relapsed, he went back to the way he used to be. The lies were the most destructive force in the relationship and what eventually led me to say, I've had enough. My mom said to me: you have a choice to live a fairly good life or one that is really tough, is this what you want for the rest of your life? And when she put it like that, I really had to step back and ask myself, ok I can deal with being ignored now (barely), but will I be able to deal with it when I'm going into labor and he's nowhere to be found? When he becomes depressed and the kids ask 'where's daddy?' I really didn't want that for my life.
The months he spent sober were very successful and were wonderful. But can that sustain? There are many people who have been sober for 20-30 years and I envy that so much. But my situation was different. Unfortunately, my ex relapsed and after he did, he stopped going to AA and isolated himself. I really had to look deep and think, does he WANT to recover? His sponsor said recovery is highly unlikely if the person is unwilling to be honest. I, too, had to be honest with myself. Did I really think he could recover? When my answer was not an immediate yes, I had to leave...I thought of course he can recover, but at what expense? My heart? My sanity?
Thanks for sharing. I don't know what the statistics are for success, but I can only tell you my own story. A little over two weeks ago, I left my XABF of 3 years. He had been 6 months sober, then relapsed, and lied about it for two months (so we thought he was 8 months sober). Before finding out that he relapsed, recovery itself was a difficult time. His sponsor used to tell me when I went to AA with him that recovery is just as hard as being with an active alcoholic because now he is addressing all the reasons that provoked him to drink and those reasons are usually really deep and difficult to address. While he was sober, there was a significant drop in intimacy. He isolated himself a lot as he was reflecting on his life. We had a lot of GREAT moments though. I was the happiest I had ever been with him when he was sober. I kept telling myself, this was the person I knew he was beneath all the alcohol.
When he relapsed, he went back to the way he used to be. The lies were the most destructive force in the relationship and what eventually led me to say, I've had enough. My mom said to me: you have a choice to live a fairly good life or one that is really tough, is this what you want for the rest of your life? And when she put it like that, I really had to step back and ask myself, ok I can deal with being ignored now (barely), but will I be able to deal with it when I'm going into labor and he's nowhere to be found? When he becomes depressed and the kids ask 'where's daddy?' I really didn't want that for my life.
The months he spent sober were very successful and were wonderful. But can that sustain? There are many people who have been sober for 20-30 years and I envy that so much. But my situation was different. Unfortunately, my ex relapsed and after he did, he stopped going to AA and isolated himself. I really had to look deep and think, does he WANT to recover? His sponsor said recovery is highly unlikely if the person is unwilling to be honest. I, too, had to be honest with myself. Did I really think he could recover? When my answer was not an immediate yes, I had to leave...I thought of course he can recover, but at what expense? My heart? My sanity?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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One thing I struggled with was everybody else's stories. I would look for similar stories, or ones I wanted to see as similar & it would give me hope. Funny I could only find hope when we weren't together. It was easy for me to have the relationship I wanted with STBXAW when her disease wasn't staring me in the face, watching her disease control her. I would read stories & be happy, full of hope & feeling like I could turn our marriage around by myself, by my own sheer will. Then we would be together & despair once again took hold. I finally had to admit that I could not make enough happiness or support for both of us.
I would look to others experiences & try to mold my actions accordingly, expecting fantastic results of course! I never got them. In the end I realized I was grasping at straws. I could never have those stories because STBXAW didn't/couldn't want those stories. She is unwilling or unable to commit to working on ANY relationship. I've heard it said that alcoholism is the inability to give and receive love. That has been my experience. I had to stop looking at others & look REALLY HARD at my own situation which was something I really didn't want to do. There were times when I thought that's what I was doing, but I really wasn't. It took some time before I could really see things as they were. I am not willing to be in the relationship I have in 10 years & she has no inclination to change. Maybe someone stronger than me could stay in this marriage, but I can not.
I wish you luck if you choose to stay. But for me, all the expectations I had turned into resentments. If you asked someone off the street about my expectations, they would seem perfectly reasonable. Expecting someone to show concern for you when you are sick after all the times you took care of them. Expecting to be able to go out to dinner without having to carry someone out. Expecting someone to not lie about things big or small. Expecting someone to listen to your problems & be supportive instead of turning it around & making it all about them. Unfortunately with active alcoholics, this is unreasonable. I was unable to get comfortable with these type of things. It is a progressive disease & these kinds of things get worse with the progression of the disease. Everyone experience is different, this was mine.
OhBoy
I would look to others experiences & try to mold my actions accordingly, expecting fantastic results of course! I never got them. In the end I realized I was grasping at straws. I could never have those stories because STBXAW didn't/couldn't want those stories. She is unwilling or unable to commit to working on ANY relationship. I've heard it said that alcoholism is the inability to give and receive love. That has been my experience. I had to stop looking at others & look REALLY HARD at my own situation which was something I really didn't want to do. There were times when I thought that's what I was doing, but I really wasn't. It took some time before I could really see things as they were. I am not willing to be in the relationship I have in 10 years & she has no inclination to change. Maybe someone stronger than me could stay in this marriage, but I can not.
I wish you luck if you choose to stay. But for me, all the expectations I had turned into resentments. If you asked someone off the street about my expectations, they would seem perfectly reasonable. Expecting someone to show concern for you when you are sick after all the times you took care of them. Expecting to be able to go out to dinner without having to carry someone out. Expecting someone to not lie about things big or small. Expecting someone to listen to your problems & be supportive instead of turning it around & making it all about them. Unfortunately with active alcoholics, this is unreasonable. I was unable to get comfortable with these type of things. It is a progressive disease & these kinds of things get worse with the progression of the disease. Everyone experience is different, this was mine.
OhBoy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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KayBay, alcoholism is a progressive disease and nothing you do with get him to go to AA, get sober or be nice to you. He needs to do this for himself and until he decides he's doing it for himself, not you but for himself he will keep going further down the road of progressive alcoholism. I'm sorry I wish there we this magic recipe that I could have used myself but it's just the way it is, ugh. Take care of yourself, you only have one life so shouldn't you get the most out of it and let him do what he needs to do.
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