Redapples

I am putting this in here as well tried another site just to see if they have any insight.

I have been seeing John 2 years and 10 months. I knew him a year before we started dating. You know that year I really didn't know him at all. I knew he binge drank I knew he has three boys. One of them is full grown and living and working in another Province. We have the same taste in music. But that is pretty much it.

After we were dating a couple of months he told me about his depression. He had quit drinking a couple of months by then as well. Because I am a child of an alcoholic father and my mother suffers from depression as well it is something I am very familiar with. If I had any sense I would have took off running. But nope I went into this with my eyes wide open ofcourse once I found out.

When John told me of his depression I became his confident every single worry, warrented or not he told me about. I was the life raft. I didn't mind listening and providing some input on how he may fix it. But then a couple of weeks later he had the same issues. I would look at him and say didn't we talk about this a few weeks ago?? I thought we found a resolution?? He would look at me and agree then he would go silent. So he suffered from depression wanted to talk about it. Wanted me to be there and hold his hand but didn't want to fix it?? Made no sense.

One of his biggest issues is his youngest son who lives with him. The child is 13 and has lived with his father since his parents split up which was three years ago. My thoughts on why he lives with his father is because of the serious lack of discipline. There are no consequences to his actions. He skips school and nothing, he smokes weed nothing, has friends in who stole from his father, nothing, disrespects his father and me, nothing. I tell the kid off and send him to his room but his father will not discipline his son. I do not live in the same house so I do not have to put up with the crap. Other issues include the normal stuff bills, lack of money, getting older.

In the mean time he still stayed sober or so I thought. He went on a week long binge that I found out about after the fact. Which pissed me off and six months ago he told me he was doing coke for 1 yr and 8 months of our relationship. Like why would he do that?? Is he an idiot?? I threatened him at this point told him either he told his doctor or I was contacting his family to let them know. Two reasons for this. 1. His doctor had him on anti depressents and had been changing his prescription because for some reason John was still suffering from depression!!??? Really!! 2. The other reason is because his family was forking out money to buy him groceries, pay his bills feeling sorry for him because he wasn't feeling good. Hmmmmm yeah ok. Oh yeah and I was because he betrayed my trust.

Right now I am on the fence I could take him or leave him. I tried to end the relationship, told him it was over but he won't let go. I am a co dependent I know this. I am worried he will do something stupid which I also know he will do anyway whether I am in the relationship or not.

Why is he like this? I know he understands how booze/drugs effects depression so why does he do this? He is on meds and he is telling me nothing is working. So I explain that being on meds only will not fix this. He needs to speak to a professional as well as taking his meds.

I feel like I am carrying this huge rock on my shoulders, I started getting serious joint pain, (not from the rock) I was becoming more emotional, I started getting twitches in my left eye, chest pains. I explained all this to him I am stressed out like you wouldn't believe. I had to get a medical layoff from work. He still doesn't get it. Why? Is he that selfish, do other peoples needs mean absolutely nothing to him?

Sorry for being long winded but what the hell let it out right, vent? Maybe someone here will have enough insight to help.

Maylie

Welcome redapples, this is a really good place to get support and a safe place to vent.

To start off, if you had to take a medical leave because of all the stress he is
putting you through then you know that this has gotten way out of control. Being in a relationship should never make you physically ill, never mind the mental stuff that comes with being in a relationship with an addict. You mentioned that you don't understand how he doesn't care about your feelings, well he is not capable of caring about your feelings. Addiction is an extremely selfish disease and it cares about only one thing, using/drinking. And not only is it a selfish disease, it is a progressive disease and it is only going to get worse from here.

He doesn't understand why he is depressed and why his medication isn't working, well being an addict will do that to ya. Him telling you about all his problems and then refusing to do anything about it and then telling you about the same things again a couple weeks later is typical addict behaviour. He isn't capable of actually talking advice, he just wants you to feel bad for him. It is a lot easier to complain about things then to take the steps that are needed to make changes.

You said that you tried to break up with him and that he wouldn't accept it. If your gut is telling you to break up with him, you need to do that. Staying will be chaotic and your already suffering physically and mentally, are you ready for a life time of this? Breaking up with an addict isn't like breaking up with someone that is sober. Most of the time you have to go completely no contact with them such as blocking his phone number don't answer emails or agree to see him, not even for ten minutes. Addicts are masters at making people think they are changing or making people feel sorry for them. All it takes is 5 minutes and they are able to suck us back in.

I personally wouldn't tell his doctor or his parents. I def. wouldn't tell his doctor, that is on him to do. If/when he is ready to start working towards recovery it will be a huge step in his journey to recovery to go talk to his doctor and his family about what is going on. He is a grown man and certain lines just aren't meant to be crossed. Telling his doctor/family will not make him stop using/drinking, it will not fix anything. He needs to do it on his own time.

Read around on here and keep posting. There is no such thing as too much information.

Please remember to make time for yourself. Don't forget that you matter and that his addiction does not define you. You need to protect yourself and make decisions based on what is best for YOU and what YOU expect out of life. Don't worry about what he will do if you leave him, that is not your responsibility. He will act like he is helpless, act like he loves you, he will beg you to stay..but if you stay he will just continue to use. It is hard to accept but the only thing an addict cares about is their drug of choice. They will do anything to protect their addiction, even if it means manipulating you, using you, and lieing to you.

I hope you find some strength here and do what is best for YOU,

hugs

Maylie

Mracoa

Try to put yourself 1st. You don't deserve the pain he is causing.

looselips

Hi Red-apples--

I know this is late, but I just wanted to reach out. I really relate to being in a relationship that made me feel the way you feel in yours.

I guess my main comment would be to say that you can't really have a relationship with an addict, in the typical sense of the word. He may love you more than he has ever loved another human- but his primary relationship is not with you. It's with drugs. You are trying to have a relationship with him, and he is having a relationship with drugs that he is trying to involve you in, to whatever extent he can.

And yes- he is that selfish.

And that is not a comment on you! That is just what it means for an addict to be in a relationship (with anyone). That is the best they can do.

I have been both addict and codependent. As the addict, I was not trying to to hurt anyone; I was just living a life that put everything else in the distant background. If someone got hurt, I probably was not going to notice.

Also, (it seems so obvious again but) I was always intoxicated. Most people will go to a bar and drink once in a while and act silly, but I was in that state of mind all day, every day. Some of my major life decisions were made with that same drunk thoughtlessness that leads people to make out with a stranger or whatever...

In sobriety, I stayed with a straight-up psychopath for several years. In a way, I was also delusional. I had so much pain from my history wrapped up in him- to live him felt like I would be ripping the scab off of all my wounds. It makes me sick to my stomach to remember how I felt then. It was a long path getting away from him. Really, I did a lot of work on myself, with my therapist, that was not actually "about" him. Eventually, I didn't want to be around him anymore.

I hope that helps :/

h00ped

I hear ya redapples, I also felt like when this person was reaching out to me, I could help them fix their heartache. I took that big burden upon myself, and the hard part to leave was thinking "then who is going to help them and love them now"?

I had a real hard time understanding why the person would return to drinking after our conversations where he told me what I said really helped him...

Maybe it was all part of the manipulation, who knows.

The drink and drugs are powerful, they'll keep sucking them in. It's the saddest thing ever. All our love, listening, care and support are no match for it. That can be the hardest thing to accept.

My thoughts are with you to stay strong through this difficult time and come to a place of healing through this.

h00ped

OMG I just realized this is exactly what happened last year when I found out my ABF had drug and alcohol abuse problems - BIG time. I tried to end it (as kindly as possible), but he refused to let go. I'm thinking now this is because my needs and feelings and desires are nearly not as important as his own, in his mind. I literally just realized this now.

Come to think of it, his drinking would always escalate when I would try to pull away, do my own thing, said "no" to him about something or otherwise exerted some degree of autonomy. He'd go on a binge where he'd not answer the phone, let me go nuts on my end, then he'd end up in the hospital for some serious medical condition as a diversion from the bad behavior. "Don't be mad at me, I had a severe stomach flu! (which is why they're keeping me in for a week to safe detox me!!)" Failing a hospital episode, it would be the "I'm just so depressed because of [point to some misfortune that actually was a consequence of previous drinking episodes], so that's why I binged."

I'm starting to wonder if the alcohol abuse and the "I'm so depressed" thing are tools certain types of men use to keep control over us and keep us hooked. It's all about THEM, but these are convenient tactics (does his self-destructive or self-pitying behavior get worse after a disagreement or you otherwise assert yourself to him?)

They'll see no reason to change this so long as it continues to "work" for them.

I think this selfishness is the root of the problem and would explain the other behavior. The other behavior "works" to manipulate you and to suck your energy and emotions dry in serving his "needs." They suck us dry, and the only way for us to stay healthy is to stop rewarding the string-pulling and realize IT'S ALL ABOUT THEM and it's never about us The freeing part is realizing that all our help, sympathy and appeasement actually hurts them because it rewards this bratty child in them and encourages them to continue dealing with the world in such an immature and unhealthy way (for them and us).