MrsDragon

This is the latest with my son. We saw him on Sunday, and he told us that he was going to be out of town for a couple of days attending a concert somewhere. We asked if he was going alone, and he said he was taking a girl with him. (Not the girl from the last trip; apparently she has to work and happy to hear that she is not dropping her life to chase around after him, but have no idea if she was informed another woman would be taking her place).

Monday night we get a call around 2am from his phone, but it is from this girl. She is hysterical and telling us that they were at the hotel, had an argument, he smashed a bottle, and then intentionally cut his arm. He is bleeding terribly, and refuses to allow her to contact the hospital staff, or go to emergency. She left the hotel and found an all-night Wal-Mart or something and bought bandages, and ointments. She says he needs stiches. Apparently our son did not know she called us, but walked in as she was talking and was not very happy about it. His story was he was fine, cut his arm but he was ok, and the girl had been drinking & should not have called us. He assured us everything was fine and he would be home in a couple days, and hung up. So we were left not knowing if he really had this gaping wound like she described, or a cut like he described.

Yesterday late, we get a call from the girl’s parents. Have no idea how they got our phone number. They say their daughter was afraid of our son, wanted to come home and had no money (or credit apparently), and she snatched his credit card, and booked herself a flight home. He found the girl gone and his credit card and called the police. They arrested her for stealing his credit card and making significant $ charges on it. Now she is in jail in this other state; her parents had to get someone there to post her bail, but she can’t leave the state until she gets approval to travel & then her parents are paying her way home. So her parents, are telling us that she is only 21 (our son just turned 29) and we have to make him drop these charges. Got an earful about how he is horrible, using her, and we must be awful parents. Not sure how this fits into their plan of us helping them get what they want; but regardless.

We talked to son, and he says just that she stole his credit card, left without him knowing (he was asleep, or unconscious – who knows) and was telling us she bought stuff other than a plane ticket home and he is not dropping the charges. He said he would have bought her a ticket to go home but she didn’t ask. Then he went on to explain that she was the one who had been drinking, smashed glass, cut him on the arm when he tried to take it from her, then flipped out.

He apologized for us becoming involved because of the girl and her parents, he will be home tomorrow like was originally planned; this was just a blip & all seems fine in his world. Husband and I are out of it now, but just dismayed that this is the crazy life of drinking and drugging, and it does not faze him. ????

dollydo

"But just dismayed that this is the crazy life of drinking and drugging, and it does not faze him. "

He is just acting the way active drug addicts do, nothing unusual at all. Everyday behavior.

Impurrfect

((MrsDragon)) - Sorry to say, but that's what drink/drugs do to people. The things I did when I was active? OMG, I can't believe it now...well I CAN, but I wonder where the heck my brain was.

As far as the girl's parents, I think both "kids" are adults and can deal with their own consequences. I would block their number or just not answer. It's not YOUR problem to handle what happened between your adult son and their adult daughter. That's just my 2 cents

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

hello-kitty

Fun story. Reminds me of my psychotic cocaine-using days spent getting high in hotel rooms with drug dealers (my ex) and crack-hoes. Glad you aren't getting involved. The drama of the addicts world is not meant for sane, sober people to participate in.

MrsDragon

What made you change Kitty? How long did it take?

Im sure we will never know what was really going on, but it doesn’t matter because any scenario still shows such confusion, waste, sickness. The thought of him actually becoming angry, breaking glass, and cutting himself scares me, and if it did happen like that then I can see where the girl would have been scared, but that doesn’t justify stealing which is the only thing we know as factual because of the police. But the thought of this girl being wasted, breaking glass, cutting him, having sex with him, stealing his credit card and running up charges… and he doesn’t see a problem in the way he is living just breaks my heart, and reinforces this fear that is deep inside me, of all that can happen to him. As bad as it sounds, Im glad he is out of town and not here because while Im feeling mostly sad, my husband is livid and I don’t think he can be anywhere near him at the moment.

LoveMeNow

Something is odd. Usually when I travel, I book round trip tickets.

Regarding the variations of the stories, if we are to believe his version, I seriously doubt she would call his parents after she cut him with glass.

Sounds like your son is really spiraling out of control. Also, the girl may be an adult at age 21 but might have been in way over her head. If they were doing cocaine (or whatever) illegal substance, how can he be so hypocritical about her using his credit card to get home. Kind of sounds like the supplier is now whining about being ripped off.

If he supplied her with cocaine or has intimate knowledge about his lifestyle, things could get very ugly for him as well.

Maylie

It doesn't phase him because in the drug/drink world that is a pretty non-eventful weekend. It is sick to think that back in my using days that was the kind of weekend I would have and on Monday it would all be a funny story to tell people. "Omg I was so out of it and ....."

It is so crazy how what is a funny story to an addict is chaos and horror to anyone that is sober. As long as he isn't sober he will never be able to see that he is living in a mess.

I also agree that you shoud block or not answer the girls parents when they call. Just like you don't call them about your son they shouldn't call you about their daughter. Even if she felt like she had to get out of the situation, that still does not give her the right to steal his credit card and make purchases on it. Her parents seem super involved now, but where were they when their daughter was "fearing for her life". She didn't hesitate to call you and inform you about what was going on, did she not call her parents and ask for help getting a plane ticket home? For such "hands on" parents they weren't there when their daughter was trying to flee back home. Seems like there is a lot more to this story then anyone is saying.

MrsDragon

My son drove his car on their trip. So she didn’t have transportation to get home alone. I dont know why she didnt call her parents for help instead of stealing his credit card unless she just didnt want them to know. (and they seemed so pleasant on the phone). I also dont know why she didnt have her own credit card. My suspicion is she is just a thief.

Part of the reason my husband is so angry right now is because we were fairly certain that he carried drugs in his car. And on the phone; he said before he reported the girl, he made sure there was no evidence of drugs anywhere. It’s a long story, but my husband feels he should have cancelled the card and dropped it; also it is really unlike him to want some type of revenge, so we don’t truly understand what is motivating him. I think there is more going on than what we know about, or once again he is just not thinking clearly and making irresponsible decisions. And I say that only because Ive no idea how much this girl knows about him, or if there is information she might relay to others damaging. He obviously isn’t worried about it. Im sure we will find out more when he gets back in town; just hoping my husband calms down a bit by then.

MrsDragon

..

LoveMeNow

I feel for your husband too. I hope he is taking caring of himself too!

PerhapsLove

Hugs to you, MrsDragon. I am fairly new here, but I can totally relate to what you are feeling. I don't even know all of the things my AD has done, but the things I know about are pretty scary. She minimizes these things, like I'm over-reacting or over-protective.

I'm starting to understand that this crazy behavior is "normal" for addicts. Being addicted is not normal, but since they must preserve the addiction, they convince themselves that the behavior involved is okay. And then they expect people around them to accept the behavior as normal. It is simply crazy. And maybe at some point, when their lives revolve around what their addiction is, they really don't understand why anyone thinks it's crazy.

I agree that you should avoid contact with the girl's parents. And let your son take responsibility for his part. I have had a lot of trouble learning not to soften my daughter's fall. But she hasn't gotten the message so far. In fact I think my "help" has prevented her from getting better.

bluebelle

That sounds very scary for you and your husband.

You might want to just turn your ringer off at night. I know you want to know about emergencies, but those late night phone calls might lead to lots of anxiety. My AM used to call me with all kinds of insanity. I became healthier once I stopped answering and stopped listening to voice mails.

eveleivibe

She should not have stole his credit card. I would have someone arrested if they had stolen my card. Theft is a crime. It was not her money to take.

wornout1

They don't see the crazy in their lives because it works for them. If it feels like its not working they take another drink, another hit, another whatever makes it work.

Lara

Dear MrsDragon... so sorry to read your latest thread. At times, as you and I have discussed, I lull myself into a false sense of security that 'my H' and your son are possibly different. Or that perhaps your son is not truly addicted - that there is still hope - that he is just using to escape - and perhaps has not turned that point of 'true addiction' which is in the brain / mind and very being.

I would at times get quite angry / feel so despondent - when other members on SR would say 'wake up Lara' cocaine addiction means one thing - and all paths lead to the same place.

I have learnt this with H - that the longer he is not in recovery - and each and every time he relapses - the disease grows stronger - and the behaviour becomes more and more 'foreign' (foreign to me) and unpredictable. This seems is what is happening to your son.
When I look back on the things that H did - or was involved with - a nightmare. And always, ALWAYS, H had an excuse - or a reason to blame someone else. There was ALWAYS and excuse. Even when he set alight his Range Rover (because he believed a man was stalking him) - he somehow came up with a story that made it okay (in his head) - this is when he finally went to rehab.

It is shocking when you hear these stories - especially when they involve the people you love most in this world - because it is then, that you realise (if you accept it) that the person you love so much, lives in ANOTHER ALIEN world. A world where there reality is not ours. And the tragedy in the 'early stages' of addiction and our (the non addicts loving the addict) denial - is that the gaps between the horror stories can be long - and often the horror story is 'not that bad'. We quickly forgive and forget and move on. This leads us into a very dangerous state of lulling ourselves into a false sense of security. But if the disease goes unchecked. And the addict does not seek recovery - the disease progresses - and these 'episodes' become more frequent and more intense. More volatile. More heartbreaking. More destructive.

Just keep posting MrsDragon and getting all the support for you and your husband. Continue 'being there' for your son with firm boundaries. Continue loving him and praying for him - we pray he seeks recovery sooner than later.

God bless your family

battlescars

I'm sorry but having been the other girl in a messed up situation such as this, while you and your husband are not your son, it makes some sense to explain a little regarding what may be going on with his addiction. They are probably pretty freaked out and while stealing a credit card to get a flight home (let's assume that's all she did with the card) seems pretty seedy, if she was stranded in a hotel with the scenario she described, i'm pretty sure she was in some type of trauma. Blocking people who might just want to know what's going on is a bit ridiculous.

battlescars

haha, by which i don't mean i've stolen peoples' credit cards only that i've been in way over my head in a situation i had no idea about. she's only 21.

Sunshine2

Very true words, Lara. The flip side of the coin is that we also get caught in this. Initially what happens is "not that bad" and you forgive and move on. Next time it is a bit worse, but you forgive and move on. We get desensitized as time goes on. Eventually we accept things that we would never have accepted in the beginning.

This is where a place like SR is really good and other people help you see that the actions you are accepting as the norm is really totally unacceptable.

MrsDragon, this is part of the reason why people eventually go No Contact. As the insanity progresses, the toll it takes on us get worse. As I read here shortly after I joined, you get tired having a front row seat to the craziness.

It does appear as if you have a handle at keeping your boundaries in place.

hello-kitty

To put it succinctly, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's a crazy lifestyle. I was totally caught up. I was still working, and still had an apartment but I was using every day. It was no longer fun. It was just so I could feel "normal" and function at work. The only time I felt "OK" was when I was high. And even then I didn't feel good because I couldn't get high enough anymore. My life sucked. I knew it was wrong... and I knew I could not quit. I was caught up in the circle of saying "this time would be my last time" but it never was. I realized I couldn't do it on my own. I stumbled into an NA meeting. That was a starting point. Still I couldn't quit. I found support online. I found other face-to-face support. Slowly I got a grip. But it was bad. I didn't think I'd every be able to stop using. I even prayed. And I didn't even believe in God. But at that point I was willing to do whatever it took to get off drug - even pray to a God I didn't believe in.

Then I found out I was pregnant. That gave me even more motivation to quit. I kept attending my support group. I focused on making wise choices for my unborn child. I was able to quit using.

But.... I kept my crappy boyfriend (my drug dealer and my son's father).... he kept promising to quit and blah blah blah... you know the deal. I just focused on having a healthy baby and being prepared no matter what he did.

After the baby was born, I relapsed a couple times. My son's father was a complete drug addict and was treating me like garbage. Finally I kicked him out. I cut all contact with drug users. I changed my phone number. I changed my locks. I completely changed my lifestyle. I burned all my bridges with the drug world so that, no matter how bad I wanted to, it was no longer easy for me to buy drugs.

I completely changed my life. I started volunteering. I started going to church. I focused on my child. I used this website for support. I surrounded myself with people who were successful and clean.

I think the whole process took years. Using started out as partying for me. Then I couldn't quit. It was progressive until I reached a point where I was using hard core everyday for about a year or maybe more. Then it took me a good year of wanting to quit before I started trying to quit. Then it took a year of relapsing. Then I was pregnant and I whipped myself into shape pretty quickly after that. I haven't used in 6 years. I haven't seen my ex (my son's father) in 3 years. He's still using.

Freedom1990

My money's on that thought. My parents had no idea what was going on in my life other than something was really wrong.

I've worked hard over the years to make living amends to them, to live the best life possible in recovery.