A little perspective
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
A little perspective
As some of you have maybe been able to tell from my posts in the past week, I've been angry. I've been sad and miserable and all around cranky. I am furious with my STBXAH. That he would treat me and his children how he has treated us. That he would behave like this and that he would out right lie.
Unfortunately, my bad attitude rubs off on my children. It sends them into a tailspin. I am usually so level headed and considerate, but the last few days I have been sick and feeling sorry for myself.
My mother called, her and my father had kept all three of my kids while I had the flu on Sunday. (thank goodness for awesome parents!). She said,
'I know that you are hurting. I know that you are angry, and have every right to be. You just can't do this to the kids. Every hurt you feel, they feel. And poor little 7 year old. She was the apple of her daddy's eye. Now, he can't be bothered to even call her and act like he cares. Imagine how that feels when you are 7. '.
And that has done it. Yes, some days are tough. But that conversation with my mother gave me a little perspective, and maybe it will for you too.
So, here's to all of us being the best parents we can.
Unfortunately, my bad attitude rubs off on my children. It sends them into a tailspin. I am usually so level headed and considerate, but the last few days I have been sick and feeling sorry for myself.
My mother called, her and my father had kept all three of my kids while I had the flu on Sunday. (thank goodness for awesome parents!). She said,
'I know that you are hurting. I know that you are angry, and have every right to be. You just can't do this to the kids. Every hurt you feel, they feel. And poor little 7 year old. She was the apple of her daddy's eye. Now, he can't be bothered to even call her and act like he cares. Imagine how that feels when you are 7. '.
And that has done it. Yes, some days are tough. But that conversation with my mother gave me a little perspective, and maybe it will for you too.
So, here's to all of us being the best parents we can.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((hugs)))
It is such a difficult time.
Please shower the children with love and affection. Offer gentle reminders that they did not cause daddy to leave.
I walked around in a mind fog during and after the separation. I had to force myself to focus on giving the children attention. I started a routine of giving them a hug every night before bed and telling them I love them (they were teenagers at the time).
And don't forget about YOU. Wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug! You are important!
It is such a difficult time.
Please shower the children with love and affection. Offer gentle reminders that they did not cause daddy to leave.
I walked around in a mind fog during and after the separation. I had to force myself to focus on giving the children attention. I started a routine of giving them a hug every night before bed and telling them I love them (they were teenagers at the time).
And don't forget about YOU. Wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug! You are important!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I am a big music lover and during the time I was going thru my ugly divorce with my now exah ~ there was a song by Tim McGraw that had a line "i don't know why you gotta be angry all the time"
that hit me like a ton of bricks - I was angry all the time & I had several years in recovery ~
I decided that whatever happened - it wasn't worth losing who I had fault so hard to become in my recovery journey ~ Time to relax ~ Let Go and Let God ~
Having all that anger all the time was exhausting ~
Sending out prayers & good thoughts for healing for you & your children
pink hugs,
that hit me like a ton of bricks - I was angry all the time & I had several years in recovery ~
I decided that whatever happened - it wasn't worth losing who I had fault so hard to become in my recovery journey ~ Time to relax ~ Let Go and Let God ~
Having all that anger all the time was exhausting ~
Sending out prayers & good thoughts for healing for you & your children
pink hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I had to force myself to stay on an even-keel for DD & then fall apart after she went to bed too. She's sensitive to everything that goes on in our house & every time I got uber-upset, she got all out of sorts as well.
It wasn't easy, but it was tons better than the guilt of feeling like I was damaging her as much as AH was. It did make it a bit easier to establish new routines for dinner, bedtime, etc. That gave us both the "new & exciting" feeling about the same old stuff & separated us from feeling like something was wrong or off.
Good luck Confetti, your kids are lucky to have you & your very caring Mama!
It wasn't easy, but it was tons better than the guilt of feeling like I was damaging her as much as AH was. It did make it a bit easier to establish new routines for dinner, bedtime, etc. That gave us both the "new & exciting" feeling about the same old stuff & separated us from feeling like something was wrong or off.
Good luck Confetti, your kids are lucky to have you & your very caring Mama!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Do you have a therapist? A place where you can go vent, take care of yourself and get a good perspective? It was a life saver for me, I can't imagine having gone through this without that!!
Proud of you for hearing what Mom said to you, that's not always easy to do. That is being a good parent! Now - IMO - go take care of you! Find a safe place to go talk and learn more about yourself that is away from the kids, just for you.
Proud of you for hearing what Mom said to you, that's not always easy to do. That is being a good parent! Now - IMO - go take care of you! Find a safe place to go talk and learn more about yourself that is away from the kids, just for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Confetti, so sorry you're going through this.
I remember my split with a 3 and 6 yr old & their daddy shut them out in the beginning. The older one blamed herself & I watched her hit rock bottom. It's awful but we got through it & we did it together.
Hang in there it will get better. Try & have some nice time with you & the kids.
Big hugs to you.
I remember my split with a 3 and 6 yr old & their daddy shut them out in the beginning. The older one blamed herself & I watched her hit rock bottom. It's awful but we got through it & we did it together.
Hang in there it will get better. Try & have some nice time with you & the kids.
Big hugs to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
We (the 7 year old and I) have therapists. And usually I am pretty good at putting one foot in front of the other and plodding ahead on our new path, but for a multitude of reasons, it's been a tough week. The week when he is supposed to arrive back home is always tense. He doesn't like to let anyone know when he is arriving, so it leaves us in a state of limbo and a bit of fear. I constantly worry that week that he will try to pick my eldest daughter up from school. I only have a few more days of this tense-ness and his days off will pass and I won't have to be concerned about his arrival again until Christmas.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
(((((Confetti)))))))
Sending you lots of support. I can hear so strongly in your posts how wonderful you are as a mother. The fact that you took what your own mother said to heart and listened tells me that you have not let what you've gone through with your EXAH harden you. You've put up boundaries with him but not walls around your heart. You are a source of inspiration to me. I too worry about my STBXAH picking up my boys and feeling scared about him being in town. What you are going through is no doubt hard and painful, as so many of us can relate. But you are going through it with strength and grace. You are feeling what you should be feeling and not surpressing it. I think you are amazing!
Love,
MamaKit
Sending you lots of support. I can hear so strongly in your posts how wonderful you are as a mother. The fact that you took what your own mother said to heart and listened tells me that you have not let what you've gone through with your EXAH harden you. You've put up boundaries with him but not walls around your heart. You are a source of inspiration to me. I too worry about my STBXAH picking up my boys and feeling scared about him being in town. What you are going through is no doubt hard and painful, as so many of us can relate. But you are going through it with strength and grace. You are feeling what you should be feeling and not surpressing it. I think you are amazing!
Love,
MamaKit
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