So Lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Hamilton, Ontario
Posts: 38
So Lost
Im lost. I dont know what to do. My best friend, and furchild Diesel (pure bred german shepherd), was hit by a truck Monday evening. I keep having horrible flashbacks, I saw the whole thing. A nice woman who was behind the truck saw what happened rushed us to the animal hospital. The vets did all they could but I had to make the decision to put her down and stop her suffering as she was dying.
I instantly wanted to use, and I did, breaking my sobriety doesn't seem like much compared to the alternative, me, dead. When Im high, it stops the flashbacks and I can try to come to terms with it, but its still hard. Even my meds arent helping at all.
Today I have to start digging the hole in the backyard, my next door neighbour offered to build her a little coffin which made me break down again thinking about it. Im also going to get a tattoo in about an hour, a portrait of Diesel, Im hoping I will find some closure soon.
But I still feel broken, and until I learn to deal with this.... its going to be really rough
I instantly wanted to use, and I did, breaking my sobriety doesn't seem like much compared to the alternative, me, dead. When Im high, it stops the flashbacks and I can try to come to terms with it, but its still hard. Even my meds arent helping at all.
Today I have to start digging the hole in the backyard, my next door neighbour offered to build her a little coffin which made me break down again thinking about it. Im also going to get a tattoo in about an hour, a portrait of Diesel, Im hoping I will find some closure soon.
But I still feel broken, and until I learn to deal with this.... its going to be really rough
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I know how hard it is. My profile picture is my girl AKA the devil dog who passed 1.5 years ago. Unfortunately death is part of life. Rejoyce in the days you had together. Time heals and the pain you feel will get better.
Stuffing the pain will do you harm and it will not bring your loved one back. Stay strong and sober in memory Diesel
Stuffing the pain will do you harm and it will not bring your loved one back. Stay strong and sober in memory Diesel
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I am so sorry, I cannot even imagine what you're going through. She was very blessed to have you as her guardian, please try to take care of yourself.
In regards to recovery, something my counselor said to me really stuck with me. He said (after I was boasting about how well my recovery was going), "you must work hard on your recovery, one of these days, something will happen in your life that brings you to your knees.. that is when recovery work shines". I believe that, I know that I spent decades of my life using unhealthy means to respond to life's hardest moments, and I didn't know what else do do, other than to ask to be taught. I hope that you have someone you can talk to about this, and your recovery.
In regards to recovery, something my counselor said to me really stuck with me. He said (after I was boasting about how well my recovery was going), "you must work hard on your recovery, one of these days, something will happen in your life that brings you to your knees.. that is when recovery work shines". I believe that, I know that I spent decades of my life using unhealthy means to respond to life's hardest moments, and I didn't know what else do do, other than to ask to be taught. I hope that you have someone you can talk to about this, and your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,247
amanda....I am very sorry for the loss of your friend. I am sure what you are going though at the moment is incredibly difficult.
Using will not help anything..but you know that...stay strong..you will get through it.
Jim
Using will not help anything..but you know that...stay strong..you will get through it.
Jim
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
I know how hard this is. I had to put my cat to sleep and make this descision. However I strongly beleive your gog wouldn't want you to drink. He would want you to greive, but not drink. Think what he would ahve wanted you to do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,204
My heart dog is 15 and I worry daily even though he's healthy. I imagine it'll be the worst challenge of my life when I lose him as he's been my world all those years and I am unhealthily attached to him. I am so sorry for your loss. That's the worst thing to see and go through. Keep posting. Many of us understand the pain you are feeling.
I can only imagine how you must feel, I don't know what I'd do without my little terrier, she's my best friend. Hang in there, time will heal.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
I am so sorry. We had to put our oldest cat down on September 4th and I was a mess. We had him before we had kids and it is very difficult. We planted a tree in the backyard in his memory and the kids painted rocks. My husband couldn't bring himself to take Stanley home with us.
Try to remember the wonderful memories you had with him.
Sending hugs and prayers.
Try to remember the wonderful memories you had with him.
Sending hugs and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
I'm so sorry to hear this. I will be praying for you today. Please take care of yourself while you are out there and come back to us. It is painful but you can't stay numb forever, you know what I mean?
Eventually this will start to get better and you will replace your saddness with fond memories of your lovely pet.
Big hug.
Eventually this will start to get better and you will replace your saddness with fond memories of your lovely pet.
Big hug.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Amanda)) - I'm so sorry for your loss I know that things that literally bring us to our knees in pain also make us want to be NUMB! I also know that it's just a temporary fix and we still have to deal with the pain AND the guilt of using.
What's done is done, but I'm sure Diesel is watching over you and he wants you to be healthy.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I know that things that literally bring us to our knees in pain also make us want to be NUMB! I also know that it's just a temporary fix and we still have to deal with the pain AND the guilt of using.What's done is done, but I'm sure Diesel is watching over you and he wants you to be healthy.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Mandy, I know what Diesel meant to you and the travels you two had done. He was a great dog I know he was. I am sorry too that he is gone. I am thinking of both of you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
I'm very sorry for your loss Amandah.
The thing with drinking to cope with grief tho is that - we don't cope at all.
Drinking actually just avoids the loss.
We deal with nothing, and that pain just sits there, ready for the next bottle when the anaesthesia wears off.
That cycle can run for years.
Losing a pet is very painful - it sucks - but we're meant to feel sad, I think.
It's a natural reaction...it's the way we get through things, process our loss, and move on.
don't lose yourself in this despair Amandah.
D
The thing with drinking to cope with grief tho is that - we don't cope at all.
Drinking actually just avoids the loss.
We deal with nothing, and that pain just sits there, ready for the next bottle when the anaesthesia wears off.
That cycle can run for years.
Losing a pet is very painful - it sucks - but we're meant to feel sad, I think.
It's a natural reaction...it's the way we get through things, process our loss, and move on.
don't lose yourself in this despair Amandah.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
amandah09: I've been where you are, four times. The first dog I lost, a little puppy. I think I drank over that one. But two years later I joined the program and started sobriety. Four years later I had to put another dog to sleep and it was so bad that I called my doctor and he prescribed something to tide me over and I didn't drink. And seven years later a truly beloved dog of mine died after a week of desperate care at the vet. And I didn't drink then, nor did I drink in 2006 when I had to put a lovely dog down because of diabetes.
So, aside from that first dog, I was able not to drink over it. But I know what it's like. Oh yes, I know what it's like! Drinking doesn't make it better. It makes it worse. Why not put in a call to your doctor and see whether you can get some help on this. Some support. And maybe attend a meeting of some sort. And remember, the real cure, maybe the only cure for what has happened is to get another dog. There is another dog waiting for you...
Every good wish.
W.
So, aside from that first dog, I was able not to drink over it. But I know what it's like. Oh yes, I know what it's like! Drinking doesn't make it better. It makes it worse. Why not put in a call to your doctor and see whether you can get some help on this. Some support. And maybe attend a meeting of some sort. And remember, the real cure, maybe the only cure for what has happened is to get another dog. There is another dog waiting for you...
Every good wish.
W.
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