thislonelygirl

ive been gone for 5 days. my ah said he was sobering but i know thats a lie then on top of that i can track him using his phone (doesnt matter how) lomg story short i tracked him to the store and then to the girls apartment whom i caught him with once over a year ago. i called and text but no answer. im hurt

fluffyflea

Sorry to hear,unfortunately this is what it,s like with active,mentally ill A,s.

thislonelygirl

i might be over reacting because right next door to her are a few friends of ours but im paranoid....i have a reason to be though aside from the drinking and the things done while drinking....the lies and half truths but he did justvgo to the store and hes not responding back to me.

shawty80

i'm sorry you are hurting, thislonely. try to find something nice to do for yourself tonight and allow yourself to take a small break from your pain. you may only make it a few seconds, but every moment of peace is important for your healing.

i'm sending you a BIG calf-rope hug, texas style!!!

misty

thislonelygirl

thanks. im trying to. i guess my fear is i thought i was doing the best being away but second guessing myself but i remind myself that hes the one whos drinking has impacted his life negatively and if hes doing wrong even if it hurts...hes doing wrong. i am not. i did the right thing by leaving. if i didnt keep telling myself that i think i would lose it. so im trying to keep it together right now and i feel like crying so its a bit tough too but trying. thanks! i needed to let it off my chest.
texas hug back to you misty

shawty80

keep comin' back and vent as much as you need. if you feel the urge to cry, then simply do it, sweets!! one of the greatest gifts al-anon has given me is the whole-hearted understanding of how cleansing and healing tears are. as one of the sweet ladies said to me, "get that poison out!"

try not to second-guess your decision to leave. you are taking steps toward a healthier and happier life for yourself. you know you CANNOT change the decisions he is making. it is utterly heartbreaking and frustrating, but it is the case. love him, but do so from afar. as with everything else in this world, if it's meant to be, it WILL happen.

take a deep breath and try to give YOURSELF back the time you are currently giving him.

Sueski

Honey, I say this with love and understanding. Stop tracking the phone. I know how it feels to know where he probably is and what he's probably,doing. You will drive yourself insane and it will. Not. Change. A. Thing. In the end it's not worth it. Make a cup of tea, write in your journal (write a hate letter to him that you don't send! It's cathartic!)

thislonelygirl

well ive stopped...and im not puttimg anymore huff or puff in getting ahold of him instead im watching the election and ive cried. ive taken a deep breath and ive said to myself hes either not answering on purpose to counter attack me or hes not answering because hes up to no good either way hes being no good and im not wasting anymore of my precious time on it. i searched him because he wasnt answering and god forbid i love him and was worried sick.

Rosiepetal

Sorry you're hurting, I know it's hard.
One day at a time, hey one hour at a time if you have to.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
PS: you deserve way better.

thislonelygirl

i just thought he was making progress he text me yesterday saying " i know ive made horrible decisions and taken horrible actions. i just want my family back. i was stronger with you" maybe he is because usually when he drinks he cant not text or call me.....maybe i over reacted and like the above said not track him and give me time....because by tracking him i may jump to conclussions . after all aside from that post he sounded sober and said he was having a hard time dealing with it and meditating but i wont know until more time has passed. thank you for listening to my sad post. turning this frown upside down

Learn2Live

My perspective, having been through this type of thing three times now, is that the situation you have found yourself in, with all this pain, has much to do with Control. What is controlling your life? Your thoughts? Your feelings? Could it be alcohol and alcoholism? Are you allowing someone else's disease to control you? You moved out for a reason that has NOTHING to do with him, and nothing to do with alcohol. It has to do with a tiny voice inside yourself that hasn't been able to speak for all the confusion and chaos and drama that has brought you to this point. Remember Horton Hears a Who? It's kind of like that. How your voice, your own wants, needs, preferences, dreams and desires take a back seat to the alcohol and the alcoholic, and nearly disappear, until no one even hears you anymore, not even you.

I say start your bucket list. Start dreaming again. Focus on taking care of you. On exploring your own interests. Spending time with girlfriends who DO remember you and your preferences. On pampering yourself.

You've got the physical distance, yay you! Now start getting emotional distance. Stop tracing his moves. Whatever it is you are using to stalk him, get rid of it. It is hurting you and there is nothing you can do to change what he decides to do.

Breathe through the pain. Keep trudging on until it doesn't hurt anymore. Let go or be dragged.

Learn2Live

Please stop texting with him and continuing this conversation. Why did you leave? How many years have you allowed his words to keep you involved, keep you enabling him, keep you believing day after day. Empty words that mean nothing, that result in nothing.

A key indicator that someone is dysfunctional is that they make promises and commitments VERBALLY and do not follow through.

thislonelygirl

originally the tracking began in order to protect myself emotionally and yes to control the situation. though i had found myself using it to know where he was and if he was ok in moments when he was tooo out of it.
kept me from panicking i guess you could say but apart of distancing myself is learning that i cannot control the situation and he will do what he will do and i must do what i need to do. hence the little voice that led me to leave.
I have infact had more peace here than there....and have enjoyed this time but like most of you do not want to lose the one i love and so i hold onto hope. strange,depressing, confussing moments of hope.
Day 6 coming up and counting. hopeful but taking this time for myself and will continue to the count the days of this recovering chaos. so yes i have my list and ive done and felt things of serenity in that list and will continue to do so. i have calmed myself and opened myself to that reality. thank you all

thislonelygirl

ps: i let go of the tracker after this post i thought to myself. ....i use not to be like that. always so confident and trusting. not a control freak at all but his alcoholism has led me to let go of who i am and i dont want to be that person. i want my sanity back. thanks

Rosiepetal

Your sanity will come back, it just takes time to work through all the emotion & confusion.
Read as much as you can about the disease, it definitely helped me see my exabf in a new view.
Keep posting if it helps.
You are not alone.
Big hugs.

BlueSkies1

Here's a thought as to why you don't need the tracker...
IF, a big IF...he decides to get his act together, you would see big changes in him, and what he says to you, and the past wouldn't matter as much. So you don't need this tracker--you have one right inside your own head. That tracker which is your common sense and recognizes sincerity and sanity in others will let you know just where he is at, whether he tries to recover or continues to go down the path he's on.
Don't track his phone or anything else--if he ever came around, he would come to you and prove it with his words, eye contact, and actions.
I just about went mad trying to track my X's computer sneaky stuff (and after he had been tracking me in all ways possible).
This type of thing will drive a person mad.
Go back to common sense. You have it in you to use it, and recognize it in others. You already have all the tools you need!
Meanwhile, seek out sane mentally healthy and helpful people. Draw yourself back into the light of those kinds of people. They will help you to find the path back from this darkness.