BlueGreen

Husband is in an out of state "rehab" (more like a christian rehab, not so much AA, but focusing on religion-which is cool). He has been there a month, its a 3 month program. He is able to make phone calls a couple times a week, for like 5 minutes. That is good for our daughter, she loves her daddy and wants to talk to him (as much as a 6 year old will). I do talk to him a minute-dogs, cat, lizard, house is fine or alive and still standing, etc..Got a few letters, saying "he knows he needs help, but he would have left by now if it wasn't for me and daughter, etc.." I just figured that was talking.

Just spoke to him now, and he is ready to leave and come home. I am a little bit freaked about that cause 1) he has no job, 2) if he can't commit to 90 days (or at least til xmas) how will he do when he gets home, 3) maybe we aren't good together, and 4) I haven't even been to counselling yet-been trying to work the insurance/company benefits thing.

When he was here, he was an "abusive alcoholic"..physical, emotionally (suicide threats, guns removed from house), etc..He has no job, no income. If he comes home, I am afraid he will fall into the same old patterns, and I will go with him. (I have my own issues I am trying to work on). Before he left, he made sure to call me a "bad mom", got my daughter to tell me I am a "bad mom" (she loves her daddy and will follow his lead) and acted like he was afraid to leave me alone with her cause I couldn't take care of her (I raised her by myself the first two years of her life when he was traveling for work-she survived).

Good news-he is in another state and can't get home without money from his family (I changed bank accounts). I don't know if I want him to come home, and I am not sure if I am ready to fight this battle. I don't want to support him when he has no income (buying him cigs, gas to find jobs, food). Daughter and I are doing well-she even told me she likes that it is peaceful, cause she can think. I don't know what to do. I don't have money for a lawyer, and still am not sure if I need to go that path. Why does he do that? "I am ready to come home, I want to come home, think about that"...

LoveMeNow

Please listen to your daughter!! She is telling you all you need to know!

She wants and needs to feel safe!!

dollydo

Seems like your daughter understands the true impact of his addiction. If he leaves the program early, he is not committed to his recovery. If he does not complete this program there is a big red flag waving right in front of your face.

The bottom line is what are your bounderies with him?

If he does complete the current program, then what, are you just going to let him move home without any bounderies? What about him going to a sober living home, finding a job,
and all that?

Kimmieh

I am currently physically separated from my ABF (not because he is in rehab, sadly) and I would be very hesitant to let him come back before some serious efforts at recovery.

But more importantly, after ranting and raving about how I abandoned him (I didn't - he couldn't cross the border with me because of a DUI) and how he will be homeless and destitute, he is getting on just fine. He has finally done all the things that I have nagged him to do for years (medical check-ups, disability application for PTSD and a military-related injury), etc. etc.

I would not do me OR HIM a favor if I let him come back and we fall into the same old patterns. I think the same is true in your case. You and your daughter deserve more of an effort, especially after physical and verbal abuse.

BlueGreen

I agree with what ya'll are saying...if he can't commit to the rehab he is in, I don't think I can trust him not to come back and fall into the same patterns and hurt me. I just don't know how to legally start.. separating?.. without him coming after me (I am afraid of that)..I guess I will try to start figuring something out tomorrow to protect me and daughter and house (not a great house, but cheaper then renting right now). I just don't understand why he is trying this...I am sorry he is miserable there, but its better than jail-which is where he was going real fast

DMC

My XAH was in rehab when I told him he couldn't come home. I had actually already packed up all his important stuff and sent it (along with his car) to his parent's home.

It was really, really hard, but I stuck to my guns. If I had let him come "home," I never would have been able to get him to leave.

Just a thought. And my ex wasn't abusive. Sounds like yours falls into a whole other category.