SavingRyan

I don't know where to turn but I need help with my 19 year old son. He is currently living at home with me and 2 siblings, he is not working or going to school. I don't know where to start so I will start with the beginning of his downward spiral. Ryan is a very kind hearted soul but he has a very mean side as wel. He graduated high school 2 years ago by the skin of his teeth, every one of his teachers went on and on about how smart Ryan was if he would only apply himself which he never did. The summer before he left for college, he was convicted of residential burgarly in our small community, he received probation for 6 years, plus fines and resitution. My parents and I were able to pay the resituation but making montly payments for the fines. During this time of going to court and working out the details of this case, Ryan was attending college about 100 miles from home at first he did well at school then it was down hill from there. He no longer went to class and ended up moving home before the end of school. This past summer while I was out of town for the night, Ryan had a party at the house, the police were called and he was charged with MIP and contributing to minors, so this is another fine that has to be paid. He didn't work all summer but promised when school started again, he would go to school and get a job but as you probably know that never happened. He signed up for classes and went to a few classes but then decided sleeping all day was more important. He was then stopped by the state trooper one night, charged with DWI ( that was reduced to reckless driving) so yet another fine. He refuses to find a job or show any respect to me or my parents. We recently discovered he ordered herbal drugs with my parents credit card without permission. His way of beating the monthly drug testing he has to do at the various police stations. His father refuses to help, we have been divorced since Ryan was 2 years old, his dad only wants to blame me. I have made mistakes but now is not the time to blame. I feel we are going to lose Ryan very soon if we aren't able to get him some help but how do you help someone that doesn't want help?

FamilyMan2153

Very tough to give advice to that situation. I knew a kid just like that in rehab when I went. I will say this, why would he get a job when you and your parents are paying his restitution and fines? I know that is hard but lots of people stay addicts because someone is enabling them.

MIRecovery

I would highly recommend alanon. You will not change him but you will change how you react to his behaviors

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation with your son. I would strongly suggest that you do not pay another penny for his fines, court costs, anything like that. Those are his responsibilities and he needs to find a job. I know that it's hard, but enabling him the way you are is not the best thing to do. Have you considered AlAnon or NarAnon for yourself, as a support? I hope that your son chooses to take care of his addiction.

zanzibar

I was going to say the same as Anna. What I get out of this is that you are paying the consequenses for his actions. I also agree that you need a good support network for yourself. IMO he will never get help without experiencing his own consequences.

SavingRyan

I understand we are enabling him by paying his fines but I don't know how to MAKE him get a job? I know that seems so easy to answer but it is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. I know what has to be done but how do I find peace with it?

MIRecovery

Where does his money come from or are you financing his unemployment?

Toss

I agree with everyone's comments. The school / job thing is not going to work if he is supported by family.

I would assume if the fines aren't paid, he would go to jail. If that won't wake him up, nothing will. Enabling him should stop.

Toss