the slip
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
the slip
so tired here. so down today.
he "slipped" last week.
after 6 weeks in rehab and two weeks out.....he "slipped".
he was taking anti-depressants but they made him hallucinate, which has never happened in the 8 years we have been together. he stopped taking them.
he "slipped" shortly afterwards by drinking almost an entire bottle. he told me days later, he wanted to die, but when i rang him on the phone, he realized he didn’t want to die, but it was too late...he was already drunk.
i videotaped him while drunk.
i showed it to him the next day.
he burst into wailing minutes into the video...said he couldn't watch anymore.
when he calmed down, i suggested he watch the entire video....i don’t get a stop or pause button when he is drunk for the entire night....i endure it for hours.
he watched it all.
a few days later he told me he had never seen himself like that....he was so ashamed and he never will be that way again...he was mortified at what he saw. he said it had a profound impact on him....he never wants to lose touch with reality like that again, he doesn't want to be someone i am afraid of or ashamed of.
stays sober for about a week. we go hiking, make food together, watch movies...have fun.
yesterday....he wakes up in a bad mood, says he's overcome with intense fear upon waking...goes to the bar....has one drink...regrets it...leaves bar and goes to meeting.
actually tells me about it when i get home from work.
i was upset....happy he told me the truth and went to a meeting...but overall tired of the chaos...tired of it all...up down up down up down up down...he again...put a bottle in his mouth....disgusting
i lost my compassion; i was tired of being eternally supportive... I went to the bar...i rarely ever drink...got drunk came home and acted up.
he is in apology mode today....again....says if i have an ounce of hope left...hold on...it's different...he will not give up on himself.....the video changed his perspective....he is not that man
i'm lost....i'm drained....not sure if i have an ounce left....but love him
what is wrong with me?
he "slipped" last week.
after 6 weeks in rehab and two weeks out.....he "slipped".
he was taking anti-depressants but they made him hallucinate, which has never happened in the 8 years we have been together. he stopped taking them.
he "slipped" shortly afterwards by drinking almost an entire bottle. he told me days later, he wanted to die, but when i rang him on the phone, he realized he didn’t want to die, but it was too late...he was already drunk.
i videotaped him while drunk.
i showed it to him the next day.
he burst into wailing minutes into the video...said he couldn't watch anymore.
when he calmed down, i suggested he watch the entire video....i don’t get a stop or pause button when he is drunk for the entire night....i endure it for hours.
he watched it all.
a few days later he told me he had never seen himself like that....he was so ashamed and he never will be that way again...he was mortified at what he saw. he said it had a profound impact on him....he never wants to lose touch with reality like that again, he doesn't want to be someone i am afraid of or ashamed of.
stays sober for about a week. we go hiking, make food together, watch movies...have fun.
yesterday....he wakes up in a bad mood, says he's overcome with intense fear upon waking...goes to the bar....has one drink...regrets it...leaves bar and goes to meeting.
actually tells me about it when i get home from work.
i was upset....happy he told me the truth and went to a meeting...but overall tired of the chaos...tired of it all...up down up down up down up down...he again...put a bottle in his mouth....disgusting
i lost my compassion; i was tired of being eternally supportive... I went to the bar...i rarely ever drink...got drunk came home and acted up.
he is in apology mode today....again....says if i have an ounce of hope left...hold on...it's different...he will not give up on himself.....the video changed his perspective....he is not that man
i'm lost....i'm drained....not sure if i have an ounce left....but love him
what is wrong with me?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
what is wrong with you? NOTHING! you are tired of dealing with it. I was tired of dealing with it. Tired of the empty promises, the lies, and all the things that come with alcoholic relationships. I just left last week and while I am sad, heartbroken, and shattered---i feel a sense of relief as well.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 6
They say that slips are part of recovery. I think I read that the recovering alcoholic has to learn to forgive their past mistakes, and even their slips in order to heal.
If you can forgive the past for your own healing, perhaps you can find the strength to forgive the slips as well.
If you recognize that slips are a part of recovery, then you might be able to be supportive or at least detached and at least not angry. Condemnation during recovery is probably not a good idea.
I so wish I was in your shoes. I would give anything for my wife to be in recovery and not abject denial. After enduring all that has happened, taking the kids from her, removing her from the home, I would give an arm for her to at least have made the first step in recognizing she has a problem.
I have an indeterminate wait ahead of me, at least my children are safe, but there is no indication that she is anywhere near her turning point.
Recovery has many pitfalls as you'll read on this forum. A slip can be a good thing, it can reinforce to the alcoholic that they truly need help, that they are not able to do it themselves, and to continue the struggle. That concept is so out of reach to someone like my wife, yet a slip, to someone who has already been detoxed, might actually serve as a lesson instead of a step back.
If detox would be 100 steps towards recovery, and each day sober another step, then a slip might only be one step back. His sponsor should be using the slips as lessons, not punishments.
As a self diagnosed co-dependent control freak rescuer, having the knowledge that doing nothing actually helps was a huge transformation.
If you can forgive the past for your own healing, perhaps you can find the strength to forgive the slips as well.
If you recognize that slips are a part of recovery, then you might be able to be supportive or at least detached and at least not angry. Condemnation during recovery is probably not a good idea.
I so wish I was in your shoes. I would give anything for my wife to be in recovery and not abject denial. After enduring all that has happened, taking the kids from her, removing her from the home, I would give an arm for her to at least have made the first step in recognizing she has a problem.
I have an indeterminate wait ahead of me, at least my children are safe, but there is no indication that she is anywhere near her turning point.
Recovery has many pitfalls as you'll read on this forum. A slip can be a good thing, it can reinforce to the alcoholic that they truly need help, that they are not able to do it themselves, and to continue the struggle. That concept is so out of reach to someone like my wife, yet a slip, to someone who has already been detoxed, might actually serve as a lesson instead of a step back.
If detox would be 100 steps towards recovery, and each day sober another step, then a slip might only be one step back. His sponsor should be using the slips as lessons, not punishments.
As a self diagnosed co-dependent control freak rescuer, having the knowledge that doing nothing actually helps was a huge transformation.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
No such thing as a slip,we slip on ice thats,s about it.
Take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself.
Originally Posted by Shutterbug1 
so tired here. so down today.
he "slipped" last week.
after 6 weeks in rehab and two weeks out.....he "slipped".
he was taking anti-depressants but they made him hallucinate, which has never happened in the 8 years we have been together. he stopped taking them.
he "slipped" shortly afterwards by drinking almost an entire bottle. he told me days later, he wanted to die, but when i rang him on the phone, he realized he didn’t want to die, but it was too late...he was already drunk.
i videotaped him while drunk.
i showed it to him the next day.
he burst into wailing minutes into the video...said he couldn't watch anymore.
when he calmed down, i suggested he watch the entire video....i don’t get a stop or pause button when he is drunk for the entire night....i endure it for hours.
he watched it all.
a few days later he told me he had never seen himself like that....he was so ashamed and he never will be that way again...he was mortified at what he saw. he said it had a profound impact on him....he never wants to lose touch with reality like that again, he doesn't want to be someone i am afraid of or ashamed of.
stays sober for about a week. we go hiking, make food together, watch movies...have fun.
yesterday....he wakes up in a bad mood, says he's overcome with intense fear upon waking...goes to the bar....has one drink...regrets it...leaves bar and goes to meeting.
actually tells me about it when i get home from work.
i was upset....happy he told me the truth and went to a meeting...but overall tired of the chaos...tired of it all...up down up down up down up down...he again...put a bottle in his mouth....disgusting
i lost my compassion; i was tired of being eternally supportive... I went to the bar...i rarely ever drink...got drunk came home and acted up.
he is in apology mode today....again....says if i have an ounce of hope left...hold on...it's different...he will not give up on himself.....the video changed his perspective....he is not that man
i'm lost....i'm drained....not sure if i have an ounce left....but love him
what is wrong with me?
he "slipped" last week.
after 6 weeks in rehab and two weeks out.....he "slipped".
he was taking anti-depressants but they made him hallucinate, which has never happened in the 8 years we have been together. he stopped taking them.
he "slipped" shortly afterwards by drinking almost an entire bottle. he told me days later, he wanted to die, but when i rang him on the phone, he realized he didn’t want to die, but it was too late...he was already drunk.
i videotaped him while drunk.
i showed it to him the next day.
he burst into wailing minutes into the video...said he couldn't watch anymore.
when he calmed down, i suggested he watch the entire video....i don’t get a stop or pause button when he is drunk for the entire night....i endure it for hours.
he watched it all.
a few days later he told me he had never seen himself like that....he was so ashamed and he never will be that way again...he was mortified at what he saw. he said it had a profound impact on him....he never wants to lose touch with reality like that again, he doesn't want to be someone i am afraid of or ashamed of.
stays sober for about a week. we go hiking, make food together, watch movies...have fun.
yesterday....he wakes up in a bad mood, says he's overcome with intense fear upon waking...goes to the bar....has one drink...regrets it...leaves bar and goes to meeting.
actually tells me about it when i get home from work.
i was upset....happy he told me the truth and went to a meeting...but overall tired of the chaos...tired of it all...up down up down up down up down...he again...put a bottle in his mouth....disgusting
i lost my compassion; i was tired of being eternally supportive... I went to the bar...i rarely ever drink...got drunk came home and acted up.
he is in apology mode today....again....says if i have an ounce of hope left...hold on...it's different...he will not give up on himself.....the video changed his perspective....he is not that man
i'm lost....i'm drained....not sure if i have an ounce left....but love him
what is wrong with me?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I would suggest to him that every time he wants to take a drink, to watch that video. be sure to make two copies...the drunk in him might destroy one.
You went out and got drunk to give him a 'taste of his own medicine' and to show him that you were tired of having to be the sane person all the time. But you probably didn't feel good about yourself aftewards...it's ok. You're human and he's pushed you to the end of your rope.
It's his turn to be strong, you are tired of always having to play that role, fair enough!
I think you did excellent by taping him and making him watch it. I think every drunk needs this done to them. smart girl!
I think you're doing fine...let's see what he decides...in the meantime please take care of yourself--being drained, can you go stay somewhere else for a few days? Looks like you need a break from it all. Maybe a weekend with some friends or family.
And alanon maybe?
You went out and got drunk to give him a 'taste of his own medicine' and to show him that you were tired of having to be the sane person all the time. But you probably didn't feel good about yourself aftewards...it's ok. You're human and he's pushed you to the end of your rope.
It's his turn to be strong, you are tired of always having to play that role, fair enough!
I think you did excellent by taping him and making him watch it. I think every drunk needs this done to them. smart girl!
I think you're doing fine...let's see what he decides...in the meantime please take care of yourself--being drained, can you go stay somewhere else for a few days? Looks like you need a break from it all. Maybe a weekend with some friends or family.
And alanon maybe?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
"They say that slips are part of recovery. "
I recognize that lifetime recovery is rare and precious, but to me, the "stinkin' thinkin'" that leads to a slip/relapse happens long before the first drink is consumed. A person in recovery will recognize the problem thinking and ask for help and guidance before s/he gets to that point.
"Do or do not. There is no try." -- YODA
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
My best advice is pay attention to his actions, not his words.
His actions were pretty clear to me. He drank most of a bottle of liquor and got drunk. It really doesn't matter what he said.
Your friend,
he "slipped" shortly afterwards by drinking almost an entire bottle. he told me days later, he wanted to die, but when i rang him on the phone, he realized he didn’t want to die, but it was too late...he was already drunk.
Your friend,
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Slips are usually a part of recovery. Kind of a 3 steps forward 1 step back approach. It may be a positive sign that he ended his relapse after 1 bottle. He could of turned it into a full blown bender and have to detox again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
AA and expert research shows that 75% relapse in the 1st year and 90% in the first 4 years. Perhaps when we fully realize that, it can lower the stress, lower the expectation and we can get past it.
It's not easy though - it's hard to not fear a relapse when we've experienced the hard downside. I feel for you. Hang in there, you can do this and I hope he will to!
It's not easy though - it's hard to not fear a relapse when we've experienced the hard downside. I feel for you. Hang in there, you can do this and I hope he will to!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
There is nothing wrong with you.
Originally Posted by Shu[B
[/B]tterbug1;3658971]so tired here. so down today.
he "slipped" last week.
after 6 weeks in rehab and two weeks out.....he "slipped".
he was taking anti-depressants but they made him hallucinate, which has never happened in the 8 years we have been together. he stopped taking them.
he "slipped" shortly afterwards by drinking almost an entire bottle. he told me days later, he wanted to die, but when i rang him on the phone, he realized he didn’t want to die, but it was too late...he was already drunk.
i videotaped him while drunk.
i showed it to him the next day.
he burst into wailing minutes into the video...said he couldn't watch anymore.
when he calmed down, i suggested he watch the entire video....i don’t get a stop or pause button when he is drunk for the entire night....i endure it for hours.
he watched it all.
a few days later he told me he had never seen himself like that....he was so ashamed and he never will be that way again...he was mortified at what he saw. he said it had a profound impact on him....he never wants to lose touch with reality like that again, he doesn't want to be someone i am afraid of or ashamed of.
stays sober for about a week. we go hiking, make food together, watch movies...have fun.
yesterday....he wakes up in a bad mood, says he's overcome with intense fear upon waking...goes to the bar....has one drink...regrets it...leaves bar and goes to meeting.
actually tells me about it when i get home from work.
i was upset....happy he told me the truth and went to a meeting...but overall tired of the chaos...tired of it all...up down up down up down up down...he again...put a bottle in his mouth....disgusting
i lost my compassion; i was tired of being eternally supportive... I went to the bar...i rarely ever drink...got drunk came home and acted up.
he is in apology mode today....again....says if i have an ounce of hope left...hold on...it's different...he will not give up on himself.....the video changed his perspective....he is not that man
i'm lost....i'm drained....not sure if i have an ounce left....but love him
what is wrong with me?
he "slipped" last week.
after 6 weeks in rehab and two weeks out.....he "slipped".
he was taking anti-depressants but they made him hallucinate, which has never happened in the 8 years we have been together. he stopped taking them.
he "slipped" shortly afterwards by drinking almost an entire bottle. he told me days later, he wanted to die, but when i rang him on the phone, he realized he didn’t want to die, but it was too late...he was already drunk.
i videotaped him while drunk.
i showed it to him the next day.
he burst into wailing minutes into the video...said he couldn't watch anymore.
when he calmed down, i suggested he watch the entire video....i don’t get a stop or pause button when he is drunk for the entire night....i endure it for hours.
he watched it all.
a few days later he told me he had never seen himself like that....he was so ashamed and he never will be that way again...he was mortified at what he saw. he said it had a profound impact on him....he never wants to lose touch with reality like that again, he doesn't want to be someone i am afraid of or ashamed of.
stays sober for about a week. we go hiking, make food together, watch movies...have fun.
yesterday....he wakes up in a bad mood, says he's overcome with intense fear upon waking...goes to the bar....has one drink...regrets it...leaves bar and goes to meeting.
actually tells me about it when i get home from work.
i was upset....happy he told me the truth and went to a meeting...but overall tired of the chaos...tired of it all...up down up down up down up down...he again...put a bottle in his mouth....disgusting
i lost my compassion; i was tired of being eternally supportive... I went to the bar...i rarely ever drink...got drunk came home and acted up.
he is in apology mode today....again....says if i have an ounce of hope left...hold on...it's different...he will not give up on himself.....the video changed his perspective....he is not that man
i'm lost....i'm drained....not sure if i have an ounce left....but love him
what is wrong with me?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Shutterbug, I don't know how much of a program your husband is actually working. This early in recovery, it should be AA every day--or as much as humanly possible. Also talking closely with his sponsor.
You mentioned anti-depressants (so I assume, depression). Dual diagnosis is common and the alcoholic will reach for a drink to medicate themselves. If he has depression, he needs to be treated by a professional for that (in addition to his alcohol program). Both need to be treated simultaneously.
Ultimately, his treatment is his responsibility. Deciding how you will live---and your own recovery from the effects of this painful family disease is up to you.
His apologies (without action) are not enough. Sadly, your love (alone) is not enough.
Actions are what make a difference.
Hang on to your serenity prayer.
Sincerely, dandylion
You mentioned anti-depressants (so I assume, depression). Dual diagnosis is common and the alcoholic will reach for a drink to medicate themselves. If he has depression, he needs to be treated by a professional for that (in addition to his alcohol program). Both need to be treated simultaneously.
Ultimately, his treatment is his responsibility. Deciding how you will live---and your own recovery from the effects of this painful family disease is up to you.
His apologies (without action) are not enough. Sadly, your love (alone) is not enough.
Actions are what make a difference.
Hang on to your serenity prayer.
Sincerely, dandylion
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
i know your frustrations atleast you husband watched the video and says it disgusted him to try to quit and atleast hes trying. i had to leave to get my point across and ive video taped my ah too and his reaction is refusing to watch the whole video and then getting all "poor me . im terrible" and drinking again without any meetings etc.
my opinion i would give anything to have my husband trying like yours is...does it mean your not fed up? heck no because even if my husband or yours got entirely 100 percent sober we would still feel slightly fed up because relapse would be in the bakc of our minds. maybe after a while not so much but still.
my opinion i would give anything to have my husband trying like yours is...does it mean your not fed up? heck no because even if my husband or yours got entirely 100 percent sober we would still feel slightly fed up because relapse would be in the bakc of our minds. maybe after a while not so much but still.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by WishingWell
AA and expert research shows that 75% relapse in the 1st year and 90% in the first 4 years. Perhaps when we fully realize that, it can lower the stress, lower the expectation and we can get past it.
It's not easy though - it's hard to not fear a relapse when we've experienced the hard downside. I feel for you. Hang in there, you can do this and I hope he will to!
It's not easy though - it's hard to not fear a relapse when we've experienced the hard downside. I feel for you. Hang in there, you can do this and I hope he will to!
Those who are 100% committed to doing "whatever it takes" to achieve sobriety do "whatever it takes". If that is residential treatment and then 4 meetings a day and a Big Book sponsor and the steps then that is what they do. If it is another method or organization then that is what they do...
Relapse is a part of addiction and not recovery and it does not have to be a part of the equation... but it often is but the addict follows the addictive voice rather than the program of recovery!
If you have to cut off your arms and legs and sew your mouth shut...well... whatever it takes!
I think I may be getting a handle on my codie rescue them all approach of the past.
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