ArcticSA

I can't believe the moment has finally come when I can admit I have a problem and seek out a group like this.
I had my first drink at 14 and for an extremely socially awkward person it seemed like the best thing ever. My drinking got very heavy when I was 18 and continued until I got married and pregnant. I was able to quit while pregnant and nursing, but since my last baby weaned 7 months ago my drinking has once again escalated out of control. My first few times drinking again, a couple of beers would get me buzzed. And then 3,4,7, and so on. I started making excuses to drink almost every single night(after everyone was tucked in for the night). I am now a up to at least a 12 pack, or a large bottle of wine. I have gotten depressed, 40 pounds overweight,bloated and sick looking and I am only 28.
The last episode is what really got me thinking. Me and my husband polished off more than 30 beers, I blacked out and did some really stupid things, and felt like the worst hell the whole next day. I try to tell myself my drinking doesnt affect my children, but the day after that bender it did. I could hardly move. Even making sandwiches almost killed me. They were just playing but all I wanted to do was scream"Just SHUT up you are being too loud, my head!!"
I know thats not right. I know I drink too much. I am just so confused. How would I actually stop drinking?? My family is all pretty clean living Christians, but my husbands family are drinkers all the way. All day almost every day, all of them. It is a way of life and not considered a bad thing, because they are all functioning people of society, not trainwrecks. If I told my husband what Ive been thinking hed just say"We'll cut back then" He has no problem not drinking all week but then binging on the weekends. I literally CAN NOT have 2 beers, it makes me panic.
I cant imagine living life without alcohol. I dont want to. There has to be a middleground doesnt there? Because I can not go on like this. I dont think Ive hit rock bottom, but this last weekend was close.
My last drink was 1am Sunday morning. I am recovered from my hangover 100% but can feel my mental stuff coming back. Little reminders and cravings have been hitting me all day. My brain is already telling me"Its been 3 dayyyysss, time to catch a buzzzzz" But I really dont want to. But I doooooo help

DoubleBarrel

I was woefully uninformed about the effect of alcoholism in the house and its effect on children.
This is just a little overview -http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-The-Child-Of-An-Alcoholic/585767

I think that if you could quit for the time you were pregnant, you have a good track record. Maybe stop again for a year? See how you feel? I think you probably know where this is heading.

I know well that feeling of not wanting to drink, but feeling the urge.
Everytime I succumbed to it, I was ashamed, and it ate at my self esteem.

soberjim

Welcome to SR....I feel for you. Admitting, that part is something that is very important.

For the longest time I constantly struggled with myself...do I ...don't I...It is an incredibly strong voice that will give you plenty of reasons to say...'have a drink'.

I'll bet you are scared at the moment..Wondering ' How did this happen'.

All I can say is Welcome...Lots and lots of good folks here with tons and tons of advice.In fact over the past year on being on SR I think I have read this same situation many times.

People do get through and get better. Take a deep breath. Read peoples posts here. You will see yourself in a great many of there struggles. You are not alone.

Jim

SoberForMySon

Quit before it gets worse, because it will. I can relate to much of your post. Tomorrow I am a week sober and feeling great. I am left with shame and paranoia from my last drink, and only time will heal that. You've come to the right place.

solstice3

I've thought for 30 years that I could just drink on or two. I can't, I panic like you - need more and pretty much until I pass out. I'm only on my 5th day, which is great for me, and I feel better than I have in a long time. I just know that I can never moderate and when I was younger, it was like I was missing out on something if I wasn't drinking. Now, I'm missing out on something if I'm drinking and that is being the best person I can be. Sounds corny and wouldn't have worked at all for me in my stubborn youth, it means more now that I'm older so maybe I have a shot at it.

zanzibar

Welcome Arctic IMO there is no middle ground for an alcoholic you either do or you don't. I quit with my wife still drinking but it was extremely difficult and took all my energy, and concentration to do so.

As your husband doesn't see you as having a problem it's going to be very difficult to convince him that you do. You're are going to have to do this with your own conviction but you can do it.

Read around and I'm sure you'll find many others who are, and have been in your situation. I also feel that admitting to having a problem is one of the hardest parts over.

ArcticSA

I think Ive come to the right place. The last 4 replies are the most encouragment Ive had in my whole life.

bunny1961

Hello. I too only have a few days sober after dui (first). I need to decide that sobriety and my future is most important and not not look back.

SoberForMySon

My son is three and he needs a sober mom. He's all the inspiration I need!!! Look at your kid and remember that, too. We are all here for you. Check out our November thread, too.

zanzibar

You are in the right place place. Keep posting and we'll help you through it the best we can.

Jen31

Hi, Arctic. Your story is simular to mine. I had my daughter at 27. While I was pregnant was the only time I did not drink (I started drinking heavily at 22). Once I had my daughter I was ready for a drink. From that day, until six days ago (I'm 31), I drank every single day. More and more each time, until my life was completely out of hand. I'm a stay at home mom and being hungover is brutal when you have a little one who needs your attention. My drinking started affecting my marriage, my finances, my health (almost 80lbs over weight), I developed depression, the list goes on. I finally decided to stop b/c I am so disgusted with myself. I started doing other things to pass the time (cooking, crafting, sewing, reading, staying on SR) and going to bed at a decent time.
I feel so unbelievably better. This is THE best decision I have ever made for myself. Sober Recovery has really helped me, more than I could have ever imagined.
I hope you are able to stay strong throught this and beat those urges. I know its going to be difficult if your husband is still going to be drinking at home (mine still does) but thats when its ideal to go find something else to do to occupy your time.
Try to stay on SR as much as you possibly can. Read everyones success stories and struggles. You will learn so much! If you ever need to talk, please feel free to private message me.
Take care!

kmick0871

Welcome.. Your story brought tears to my eyes. To many memories came flooding back. I'm so sorry you have lived with this addiction. I'm sober now 7 days. It is hard so hard. Be strong fight the cravings they well pass. I hear you.. sending you strength and positive thoughts. There is alt of support on here.. Smile you made it one more day...

hypochondriac

Only you know where and if there's a middle ground for you Arctic. I knew for myself that my drinking history didn't support the possibility of me drinking casually or moderately. I am 31 and from the moment I started drinking daily at 18 I never had a day off drinking and never drank less than a few beers and that was only when I was really sick from drinking. Even then it was an effort not to drink more. And this is despite efforts to control, cut back and even stop drinking. Actually stopping completely and permanently was the only way I could do it myself.

Welcome to SR x

buickbeast

Arctic,
Welcome to the site =)
Are you afraid that your husband may not support you if you told him your thoughts? I served in the Army and it was a culture similar to your husband's family. 80% of the people that I knew drank a fair bit, with half of those people drinking till they blacked out when the weekend came. I have actually ran 4 miles while singing candance for my platoon while being blacked out the entire time.
I'm getting closer to sobriety, I know it's very challenging.

Do you really want to wait till you hit rock bottom so you can begin to feel happy, get back in physical shape and look good in that dress you have hanging in your closet? Carefully re-read your post and see which sentences your heart wrote like: "I have gotten depressed, 40 pounds overweight,bloated and sick looking and I am only 28."
and which sentences alcoholism tricked you into brushing it off as an excuse like: "I dont think Ive hit rock bottom."

You and your family can have millions of happy times and memories together, but their all counting on you. Stay strong =)

ArcticSA

Im telling my husband tonight. Ive decided after reading lots of posts on here, I am ready. But I dont know what Im gonna do if he is not gonna be on my side with this.
Ive had a strong mindset all day until a very sharp blast of craving came over me, and I just about talked myself out of it. That craving was scary, how many of those will I have before they quit?? Forever??

kmick0871

There will always be situations, stress, people, even TV advertisements that will trigger a craving. I just got one talking to my friend on the phone. No reason at all just felt like I needed a drink, then I realized how good I feel sober and I would be so mad at myself if I let it win... sounds corny but I just said out loud NO I have better things to do...keep your head up..

Hevyn

Welcome Arctic. I think you should be proud of yourself for seeing what needs to happen. I postponed getting sober until my life was in shambles. I always thought if I tried hard enough I could still have 'a few' - but the few turned into 20 - every time.

We are glad to listen and help. It takes courage to admit you have a problem and reach out to others. Glad you have joined the family.

zeroptzero

Don't worry about imagining a life without alcohol. Just imagine one day without alcohol - today.
You are on the right track. You will never regret quitting. I am rooting for you!

Maylie

Welcome! Unfortunately, there is no middle ground and you will save yourself a lot of suffering if you try to come to terms with that as soon as you are able to.

If you could stop drinking while you were preg and while you were nursing, I know you could do it now. It helps me not to look at it as "I'll never drink/use again" and instead just concentrate on one day, one week, one month at a time. "Forever" can easily become overwelming, but a bunch of one days easily becomes a month which becomes a year etc.

I know you can do this. You deserve to be happy and your children deserve to have a mom that is not under the influence or hung over all the time.

Keep reading and posting.

hugs

Maylie

Dee74

Lots of awesome advice here ArcticSA

Try not to worry too much - there's thousands of happily sober people here...all oif us started on a day one, or two or three...

I know I've never lost out on the deal

welcome

D