Am I a martyr?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Am I a martyr?
Something has been disturbing me & I wonder if someone can advise.
In my drug abuse marriage when my husband was going through verbal abuse he called me a martyr.
My exabf also told me he "thought I tried to be a martyr for womanhood."
I took this to mean that they were just being mean because I stood up for what I believed in, that I ask for respect & I don't expect rude behaviour to my kids.
I am now wondering though if there is some truth to what they're saying & am doubting myself.
What is your definition of martyr & how would this relate to my drug & alcoholic relationships?
In my drug abuse marriage when my husband was going through verbal abuse he called me a martyr.
My exabf also told me he "thought I tried to be a martyr for womanhood."
I took this to mean that they were just being mean because I stood up for what I believed in, that I ask for respect & I don't expect rude behaviour to my kids.
I am now wondering though if there is some truth to what they're saying & am doubting myself.
What is your definition of martyr & how would this relate to my drug & alcoholic relationships?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
I think its the height of meaness is all , being abusive to you and then being horrible to you because you are being abused. It sounds similar to my AH and also a man I knew who was married to my friend who was not an A but just plain horrid. There is no excuse for saying this to you, it sounds like the remorse or shame got to him and all he could do was 'attack' again.There is literature in Al-anon that discusses this but what he said is out of context. Plus I think the stuff about martyrdom is rather harsh.Living with somebody in a relationship is difficult enough , living with somebody who is an alcoholic is awful. No you're fine, keep going.
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I have not been struggling with the world martyr but control.
I agree with Hollyanne is is things that healthy people are saying to you lovingly or is it people in the throws of their addiction?
I agree with Hollyanne is is things that healthy people are saying to you lovingly or is it people in the throws of their addiction?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Rosie, it sounds like "QUACKING" to me! Quacking is a term used in recovery circles to mean that they are putting you down to bring themselves up---and also other absolutely ridiculous things that alcoholics will say to take the focus off themselves and try to put it onto you.
Do NOT buy what he is trying to sell you!!! (search the thread on quacking--you will love it)
dandylion
dandylion
Do NOT buy what he is trying to sell you!!! (search the thread on quacking--you will love it)
dandylion
dandylion
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martyr:
One who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle.
One who makes a great show of suffering in order to arouse sympathy.
does this sound like you?
One who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle.
One who makes a great show of suffering in order to arouse sympathy.
does this sound like you?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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They are the martys, lol.
Please take that with a grain of salt, it was said to hurt you.
I think we all become martyish in ways when we are in relationships with addicts. What they miss is that what we have to put up with , in the name of co dependency, love, confusion and being blamed for everything causes us a lot of pain, addicts think their lives are unique, it's all part of denial, blameshifting, stealing our self esteem so we stay etc.,.
Don't buy it sweetie, you are wonderful and precious.
To Hell with drunken words xo
Please take that with a grain of salt, it was said to hurt you.
I think we all become martyish in ways when we are in relationships with addicts. What they miss is that what we have to put up with , in the name of co dependency, love, confusion and being blamed for everything causes us a lot of pain, addicts think their lives are unique, it's all part of denial, blameshifting, stealing our self esteem so we stay etc.,.
Don't buy it sweetie, you are wonderful and precious.
To Hell with drunken words xo
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
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A different approach - keeping the focus on us - the Al-Anon one. The words "maryr" or "victim" appear in each of the Al-Anon devotionals as well as in How Al-Anon Works (Chapter 37 tells a "martyr's" story) and other Al-Anon literature.
Some of us do take on the "martyr" or "victim" roles when affected by another's alcoholism. And roles come with the alcoholism territory. So, it's an important question that Rosiepetal is asking. It's important NOT because an A labels us as such (the A is often wrong) but because there's a real chance that we may have taken on that role. We may or may not be "martyrs" but it is important to ask ourselves the question.
From Courage to Change, page 365 (Dec. 30):
From One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, page 96 (Apr. 5):
Some of us do take on the "martyr" or "victim" roles when affected by another's alcoholism. And roles come with the alcoholism territory. So, it's an important question that Rosiepetal is asking. It's important NOT because an A labels us as such (the A is often wrong) but because there's a real chance that we may have taken on that role. We may or may not be "martyrs" but it is important to ask ourselves the question.
From Courage to Change, page 365 (Dec. 30):
"The unpleasant things other people say or do have no power to destroy my peace of mind or ruin my day unless I permit it. Do I allow myself to respond to the words of a sick person as if they were the ultimate truth? Could I possibly be getting some benefit from accepting humiliation?
Sometimes I wonder. I played the martyr role for a long time. My suffering brought me a lot of attention and pity. I grew accustomed to blaming
others for my problems, and I avoided taking responsibility for my own life. In other words, I suspect I may have benefited from my pain. But
those benefits are no longer worth the price.
Today I am finding out who I really am with the help of my Higher Power and the Al-Anon program. There is a beautiful person within me who has no need to build an identity around suffering. I am learning to let that person blossom instead of hiding behind a cloak of suffering. I don't want to miss any more of the wonderful opportunities available to me to live, grow, and enjoy.
Today's reminder
There is so much to appreciate in this life. I won't waste another moment feeling sorry for myself.
'. . . The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.' Martha Washington"
Sometimes I wonder. I played the martyr role for a long time. My suffering brought me a lot of attention and pity. I grew accustomed to blaming
others for my problems, and I avoided taking responsibility for my own life. In other words, I suspect I may have benefited from my pain. But
those benefits are no longer worth the price.
Today I am finding out who I really am with the help of my Higher Power and the Al-Anon program. There is a beautiful person within me who has no need to build an identity around suffering. I am learning to let that person blossom instead of hiding behind a cloak of suffering. I don't want to miss any more of the wonderful opportunities available to me to live, grow, and enjoy.
Today's reminder
There is so much to appreciate in this life. I won't waste another moment feeling sorry for myself.
'. . . The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.' Martha Washington"
From One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, page 96 (Apr. 5):
"The Steps are like a medicine which many of us won't bother to take, although we know they can heal us of the sickness of despair, frustration, resentment and self-pity. Why is this? It may be we have a deep-rooted desire for martyrdom. Consciously we think we want to help, but some dark and hidden sense of guilt makes us crave punishment more than we want relief from our ills. ... We can find the way out by daily study of the Twelve Steps."
Something to think about. Peace. Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
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who cares what they say, I am convinced all of the criticisms he hurled at me were deigned to hurt me and nothing else. I would not worry about the words that come out of a deranged person's mouth. 
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By way of answering, I will tell you a story. I hope it's helpful.
I have a friend who was married for many years to an absolutely awful man. Awful--no doubt about it: an unrepentant serial adulterer, a narcissist...honestly horrible. After many years she finally left him and no one can blame her. All of her friends have been lobbying for years that she should do this and we are all happy she has done so.
But. It is impossible to have a conversation with her without her bringing up her years of agony with this guy and all she has endured. All conversations work their way around to a long, passionate statement of the horrors of her life, of his bad behavior, of his current bad behavior, his current girlfriend, his....his....his....his!
It is as if she cannot live without others recognizing and commenting upon awfulness of her ordeal.
She is a martyr.
I have a friend who was married for many years to an absolutely awful man. Awful--no doubt about it: an unrepentant serial adulterer, a narcissist...honestly horrible. After many years she finally left him and no one can blame her. All of her friends have been lobbying for years that she should do this and we are all happy she has done so.
But. It is impossible to have a conversation with her without her bringing up her years of agony with this guy and all she has endured. All conversations work their way around to a long, passionate statement of the horrors of her life, of his bad behavior, of his current bad behavior, his current girlfriend, his....his....his....his!
It is as if she cannot live without others recognizing and commenting upon awfulness of her ordeal.
She is a martyr.
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I think there are two different parts to this (good points Titanic and Only)
1. Are you a martyr? This is probably something you need to look at in yourself, and can go along with the disease.
2. Are you a martyr because someone called you that, and because someone called you that in the throes of their disease.
I have had a hard time sorting those pieces out for myself with many adjectives.
I am learning though that if it is something that friends in which I have a healthy relationship with comment on I need to look at it differently then when my exA said it to me in the heat of the moment, drunk. It is only in the last few weeks that I have realized that.
Thanks for the question.
1. Are you a martyr? This is probably something you need to look at in yourself, and can go along with the disease.
2. Are you a martyr because someone called you that, and because someone called you that in the throes of their disease.
I have had a hard time sorting those pieces out for myself with many adjectives.
I am learning though that if it is something that friends in which I have a healthy relationship with comment on I need to look at it differently then when my exA said it to me in the heat of the moment, drunk. It is only in the last few weeks that I have realized that.
Thanks for the question.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery 
I am learning though that if it is something that friends in which I have a healthy relationship with comment on I need to look at it differently then when my exA said it to me in the heat of the moment, drunk. It is only in the last few weeks that I have realized that.
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