LifetoLive

Hello everyone,

I have decided to post a thread as I couldn't find what I am about to write about.
I am in relatioship with RA for a past 2,5 years, have met him when he was drinking, of course attraction had kicked off as I am coming from the family where two of my parents are active alcoholics.
I am not gonna go to details right now, but would like to mention about my trusting issues which really bothering me at the moment.
Well to be honest I never had trust anyoone, trying to work on that, going to al alon meetings etc but it is not that easy.
My RA is sober now for 18 months, going to the aa meetings, which I am really happy about but he start to developing those friendships which bothers me a bit...
About 2 months ago i had checked his mobile and found the txts from the girls, they were in my opinion over the board, i had told him that, he got very upset that I had checked his phone,.. well he told me that girl had loads of problems latetly and he was trying to be helpful as she is in AA ...I got angry i told him to finish that, which i think he did.
Week ago i had checked his phone again and found txt from another as he said AA member, according to my boyfriend she is sober 4 months and have a crisis and he trying to be helpfull, he went on about that , i don't understand the program, and he feels that if, someone is in trouble he wants to help, he said that he wouldn't change anything what he has done, he said that (obviously ) i don't trust him which hurts him... the problem is i can only see him over the weekends at the moment...
Anyway he said that he, would tell me all of those things but I am too insecure so he hides them...which is true.
We agreed that i will try to trust and he will start to tell me truth as best as he can..
Anyway I kind of feel that, I don't him to have female friends as I am worry that can became somthing more than friendship... on the other hand i need to start trust him....i shouldn't be checking his phone ... as he has a right to have female friends in AA..my head is full of this thoughts because i can't share that with anyone else... i would appriciate your thougths about this...thank you

NYCDoglvr

Of course you're hurt. It's interesting that you have trust issues and pick a man who doesn't show evidence he should be trusted. And when trust is broken I don't think there's much one can do to get it back.

I've been sober 21 years in AA. As far as helping others it's always "men with men, women with women" so he is out of line. Much more important, is this what you want for yourself in a relationship? A man sneaking around behind your back, openly flirting with other women? You deserve much, much better. You deserve to be treated with respect, to be cherished. I strongly recommend Alanon. The only change possible is what you decide to do.

lillamy

You know... we're constantly told to focus on ourselves and our own recovery.
So I think the question isn't "why are you not trusting him?" but "why do you feel you need to trust him?" in face of the fact that he has proven to not be trustworthy?

It's a bit like repeatedly throwing a rock in the water and wanting to believe it will float.
And I say that with a lot of love, because I've been there.

NYCDoglvr

I should have said the same thing ... I've been in that depressing place too. It's terrible.

fluffyflea

Men with Men ,Women with Women. He should not be trying to "help" these girls.

keepingmyjoy1

I feel for you. I am separated from my AH. I always noticed if ever I looked at his phone, which wasn't often, that he would delete all text messages except mine. He texts all the time, with his brother and others.

I had to borrow his phone last week for an activity I had to do for our son because I forgot mine. I was just curious to look, not that it would change anything, just being nosy and so I looked at his text messages. Sure enough, texts to and from a woman from his AA. And calls back and forth often. It was actually helpful to me because I knew that something was weird with this woman. He has mentioned her several times to me. My neighbor friend also called me a couple of weeks ago, thinking she was helpful, to let me know that they were walking down the street where our old house is (he still lives there) and they were going up the driveway. She was really sad thinking that "something is going on here". Yup, probably. But like I told her "Not my business anymore". But that one moment of weakness in looking at his phone was validating to me in that it confirmed what my gut was telling me because he is still putting out there every chance he gets that he still loves me blah blah blah.

Regardless of trust issues from the past, when they are secretive, they don't deserve trust. Sometimes it is just your gut telling you not to believe what you are hearing/seeing. I always thought it was weird that he always had to go outside to take his phone calls when I was still with him.

The only thing I can say is listen to your gut...you are probably right and that is why "trust" feels hard for you. It is probably because he doesn't deserve your trust rather than that you have an issue with trust.

mihgab

Hi, LifetoLive
I`m sorry, but why would you check his phone? Wouldn`t be easier to let your relationship take its course? If he wants to be with someone else he will. Don`t get yourself crazy with this. Enjoy what you like in the relationship and find other things to do when the "need" for checking stuff comes.
Peace

LifetoLive

Thank you for your replies.
The truth is that, i defenitely became too much obssesed with this relationship and showing to be very needy indeed..
Moved up to city where his is from etc.. anyway I am living away from home and don't have family support so he became someone who I would share everything with, and he will be the person I would speak to few times a day, we would spend every weekend together which there is really not much space ..and I know can became too much at some stage..
So I became to believe " I own him" .. I need to know where he is, what he is doing etc... my point is , do you think he doesn't have a right to have a friend in AA? Can she not be a women? Maybe is a time to stop the obsession and let him be? Maybe it is time to start trust that he, not going to be another person who will hurt me? Maybe is a time to take risk and let go let God???

thislonelygirl

are the texts only from women? if so and multiple other women.....that would be weird to me and i may have the same feelings as you but then again i am trying to work on trusting again. at the begining of my relationship with my ah i literally had no jealousy or distrust AT ALL . my family/friends had never been like that and were like wow how are you so trusting? lol but as the disease progressed and my ah did things that werent trustworthy, lied, and disrespected me i am having to learn to trust and let go all over again but i can say this the best thing you can do in this situation is to refrain from taking his phone and ask him about whats going on in aa and what the texts are about.. be interested in whats going on in his recovery life and if you cannot help but to get into his phone....please really see what you are reading..if its nothing innapropriate then take a deep breath remind yourself that you may push him away by over reacting and dont tell him you looked. (thats if you really cannot help yourself) and continue to go into al anon for this.

CactusJill

Oh, Lifetolive. I am right there with you. My ABF has the "helping" issue too because he kicked cocaine a few years ago and like you, I found texts from him to a girl he met at work who was active in her addiction to heroin. She used him to get money, flirted, you name it. As far as I could tell, he never flirted back but the fact he was that involved really, really bothered me. As it should have.

My ABF is still drinking, so my situation is different from yours. However, my ABF still goes out with friends from work, some of them women. I do not think he is doing anything wrong with these friends, but at the same time, it bothers the heck out of me that he is going out and drinking, especially with friends I don't know. It isn't right, but I have to let go. I make myself not check his phone or his phone records. It is hard, and sometimes I still do it. But I try not to because it just makes me crazy.

I can't change my ABF, just like you can't change your man. We have to learn to worry more about ourselves and let the relationship take its course. I don't know what will happen with ABF tomorrow. I am watching him struggle with this and try to limit his drinking, etc, and if I think about it too hard it kills me. However, I trust myself to know when I have reached my limit. I will know when I get there.

My point is, let it go. If he is doing something wrong, you will find out eventually. If not, at least you will eventually learn not to depend on him and you will earn some peace of mind. It is not easy.