CelticRose

I'm new here and I love an alcoholic but know I am not helping myself by doing so, think I need to look at myself big time.

We are not together right now. He is someone who I knew 7 years ago, long story short we met in church, he lied about being divorced (separated) and about how much he drank. I believed it, fell for him and then found out the truth and tried to back pedal. Then began a dance of 2 years of him saying we're just friends and me trying to keep it that way but he shows up regularly for comfort and sex and I don't shut the door on him. I realise now what an enabler I was, and how much I allowed him to use me, but I was naive and thought I could help and my love would help too. I prayed for him, reasoned with him, yelled at him and witheld my love and support from him but he still drank and nothing changed. Finally he says he needs help and I support him as he figures out what that means, and he goes to a rehab place.

I meet his family and even his wife, she comes along to my church and becomes a Christian, he goes to rehab and back to his wife and it looks like God has healed this family. I don't stick around, of course not, they need to get on with their lives but I miss him so badly and feel broken hearted.

7 years later (2 weeks ago) I get a message out of the blue that he wants to meet up. He is divorcing, things didn't work out. I am ecstatic and hope that he is sober and is coming back for me (pathetic I know!!) but my hopes are soon dashed when he turns up drunk and tries to get me into bed. I say let's be friends and he agrees then ignores me. A few days later I offer him sex (yes I was feeling that low) and he rejects me...something I'm glad about now although it stung at the time.

What is wrong with me?? he can come back after 7 years and it's like no time has elapsed. I feel so stupid that I still love him and yet it was clear he only wanted sex and when he didn't get it he moved on again. I never considered that I may need to work on me before...I don't want to be this way. Sorry for the long post everyone and thanks for reading.

inpieces314

Imagine how much worse you would feel if he did sleep with you and then ignored you.

If I were you, I wouldn't talk to him again, he is still drinking, which means none of his problems in the past are solved, and he has more in fact. If he were sober, I would say something like, IF he wanted to be in a relationship give it a shot, blah blah, but that is not the case here.

You already know what he is capable of. And he is doing absolutely nothing to convince you otherwise. And then he uses you (or tries to) for sex?!

No way, honey.

jessiec

Because you mentioned church and I know you are a believer: " Sometimes man's rejection in God's protection."

You are hurting, of ourse. But He spared you on this one. Greatly.

marie1960

I would not believe a word out of his mouth!

The best thing you can do for YOU is stay away from him, he is what I call a wolf in sheeps clothing, or just an old fashioned player.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I applaud your decision to look inward during this situation. Looking at myself was a healthy step toward taking better care of myself.

I found that I was often making poor relationship choices because of low self esteem. I lacked self love.

One of the things that helped me understand why I kept reaching out to partners that needed "fixing" was to look at my codependent tendancies. I am a caregiver by nature. That isn't a problem unless I begin to care more for others and sacrifice my own needs/interests.

Reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie helped me find a healthier path.

Stick around, we are here to offer our support

Rosiepetal

This is not someone you want to build a relationship with.
You deserve better my friend.

fourmaggie

run for the hills ALONE and never look back....thats what a NORMIE would do.....

Tuffgirl

Asking what is wrong is a good start at understanding your own dysfunction that would lead you back to this hot mess. I would also spend some time pondering your own definitions of love. Is this what it really means to you? How did you develop these definitions?

Therapy is a wonderful tool for self introspection and changing behaviors.

I think you deserve better than what this guy has to offer (which is nothing).

CelticRose

Thank you for all replies. I am feeling a bit stronger today. I know he has nothing to offer me and I do need to work on self esteem. I didn't come from a family where there was an alcoholic and had no previous experience of one, but I think some of my dysfunction may lie in my relationship with my dad....original eh. I will do some reading around this site too as there is a lot of excellent info.