meadowsis

I am so tired of feeling confident about a decision, only to have my AB call me and give me his stories again to find myself feeling guilty all over. I am almost positive this is just my co-dependency giving me fits.

My 33 yr old AB is sitting in jail right now, whining that the family is not pooling money to try and bond him out, help him get a 'real' lawyer. That his life is ruined and we are making it worse on him, etc. (side note, most of our family is living paycheck to paycheck, especially the parents, so this wouldn't be an easy task if we wanted to)

He says that he isn't even getting a FIRST chance to make amends and be trusted, which I have to laugh at. Yes, this is his first time in jail, but we have been trying to help him for the last year get 'back on his feet', which I believe now was more enabling then anything even if it wasn't financial help.

He starts laying out lines like "we never even offered rehab" (which he still calls a joke by the way). Yes, we didn't offer private rehab, but I offered him info on alternative ones before, and like others on the forum have said...if they wanted to get clean they would find a way. He even used a line today basically implying that he would hold it against ME if he got prison time. YAY for guilt trips

SO, I need to lay down my boundaries and go no contact if he crosses them. I am going through infertility treatments, and my doc would give me the riot act if he knew how much I was taking on stress wise right now.

What is the best way to communicate boundaries (I don't mind chatting with him, but the guilt trips have to end)?

I feel like when I try to tell him anything via phone, he just overrides me with excuses and doesn't even hear me. I want to list the reasons WHY I am doing xyz, does it even matter?? Should I write them out rather then call? ARGH.

What I REALLY want to do is rip him a new one, tell him I know what lies he has been telling me. He keeps downplaying everything and his involvement in the charges (of course)......but since everything is recorded or read in jail, I have just kept my mouth shut and that is driving me just as crazy! I have been in touch with enough of his old friends that I know more then he thinks I do.

If he keeps this up he might have to set boundaries for me after I blow up at him, LOL.

Any recommendations though on communicating my intentions? Or should I just skip it all and go no contact?

The more I read the above I think I am just making this worse by trying to stay in touch with him. Maybe I have my answer sitting right in front of me.

lightseeker

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I'm glad though that you are aware that you need to protect your own health and well-being.

I am someone that has really really struggled with boundaries and hold to create/maintain them. Honestly, all the reading and counseling in the world didn't help me as much as going to Alanon and Naranon meetings. My perspectives were so cloudy that I honestly had a lot of trouble discerning what was and wasn't an appropriate boundary. Through many meetings and conversations with others in recovery I finally began to figure it out.

The main thing about a boundary is to also set consequence. As in, I won't allow you to come into my house and go through my fridge. If you do, then you will no longer be allowed in my house. At that point, I have to be ready to enforce that boundary.

Remember, someone that is an addict and not in recovery is manipulating you and trying to get you to feel guilty when they speak to you the way that your AB is.....

Read the sticky's at the top of the forum....it's a good place to begin.

Wishing you calm days and also sending prayers for successful IVF.

interrupted

I didn't communicate my boundaries to my sister directly. I just made them and started enforcing them. For me, some of my boundaries are that I will not support her drug addiction, and I will not interact/engage with her while she is using. I also will not do anything for her that she is able to do herself, and I will not engage in the enmeshment drama that is constantly happening in my family.

She has called asking for money and I have communicated to her that I love her, but that I will not give her any money. Which I guess is the closest I have come to actually communicating any boundaries.

For me I found that it was better to not have a conversation about my boundaries, because the conversation itself would end up violating the boundary, you know? I mean, if I try to give a speech about how her drug use is negatively impacting me she's going to blow up or I'm going to get angry and the conversation will quickly deteriorate into dramatics, so for me it's best to just enforce the boundaries - that speaks louder than any words ever could.

Thlayli

I think trying to explain the "whys" can dilute the effectivness of the boundaries. It's your boundary and you don't have to give a reason or explaination. I like what Interrupted said, "I just made them and started enforcing them." The more you try to explain the more opportunity it gives them to tell you why you are wrong.

There is a behavior management system for kids called 1-2-3 Magic. The two primary rules of this system are "No talking. No emotion." Here's a brief explaination a pulled of the internet. I realize that our favorite addicts are not children (necessarily) but behavior management techniques can work on adults too. You probably should "count" him though

"Counting is simple and efficient, but you have to religiously follow the no-talking and no-emotion rules. That means that after you give a count as a warning ("That's 1."), you are not allowed to chatter away and explain, explain, explain! When done properly, good counting and well-timed parental silence forces children to take the responsibility for their own behavior. "

hello-kitty

how about this?

"I will no longer listen to your complaints and accusations. I need to focus on my own sanity. I am going to take a break from your phone calls therefore I request you stop calling. I will no longer accept the charges. You are a smart brother. You'll figure things out. I love you. Gotta go now!"

suki44883

There is no rule that says you have to communicate your boundaries. Boundaries are for YOU, not the addict. They aren't rules for anyone to follow except you. We are all, the addict included, responsible only for our own actions.

If you absolutely feel the need to say anything at all to him, what hello-kitty posted sounds good. It lays it out there that you love him, but that you are going to step away and take care of yourself. The most important part of setting boundaries is that you stand by them consistently. Otherwise, it is nothing but quacking...something we are all too familiar with that generally comes for the addict.

Sueski

The last time my brother got arrested, he called (collect) from the jail. I was all set to calmly tell him that I didn't want to speak with him until I was less angry and dealing with less stuff (this was a time that there was a LOT of drama with my husband). For some reason, the automated system wouldn't work. I'd hang up, he'd call back. I'd hang up, he'd call back. Finally, I screamed "JUST STOP CALLING! STOP CALLING!" into the phone while the automated thing was talking. Not the way I'd wanted to handle it, but it worked. Haven't heard from him in months.

All the suggestions above are excellent. You can pretty easily just say "well, love you, gotta go! Bye, now." as soon as the quacking starts up. I think the other posters are correct when they suggest not stating your boundary because it creates something the A can argue with. Just enforce it. You know what you are doing. The A will figure it out.

meadowsis

Lightseeker, what you said about an addict who is clean but NOT in recovery hits home. I keep thinking just removing the drugs will start to help the way he thinks, but alas, that is not happening. He has to do the work to change his thought patterns and he is doing nothing at the moment. Duh. I kept thinking the veil would be lifted over time, but all it did was remove the highs and the dope sickness times. He is still lying and manipulating just as much. Just his conversations about what I think he is going to try and do to get out of his drug charges floor me....but I am thinking rationally and he is still an addict not in recovery.

What Interrupted said definitely is what I see happening.

I tried to play the scene forward, either talking to him or sending a letter, and ANY reasons I give to him will just be met with more stories, lies, excuses, blame, etc. He is never going to sit there and just listen to me and have some sort of AH HA moment like I want him to have. Like a "you are right, I have totally used you this last year, I cannot be trusted, I deserve to deal with these problems on my own".....boy wouldn't that be nice, lol.

Thlayli ,I think I have been applying the 1-2-3, BUT, I haven't been getting to 3. I stay unemotional, I don't respond, but I never go to the next stage, which is stop listening all together and remove myself. I just continue to sit there and take it all. Fail, lol.

I think I will at least state it clearly and brief like Hello-Kitty mentioned, but nothing more. I will be here to chat with if you want to ease the boredom and monotony of sitting in jail, but any blame or guilt trips will end the conversation and I will stop taking calls. Done.

And I will definitely carry it through. I am fed up with living this way as well. The more I find out about co-dependency the more angry I get, and that is usually my fuel for big changes in my life. I am picking up a couple books from the library today (including the highly recommended codependent no more, which I will buy at next pay period). I will say I am bit overwhelmed learning about all the things I need to change in myself, but I have climbed some big hills in life, so I will just start trucking up this one. Sigh.

I eventually became thankful for my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, because it awakened me to become a different and better person (I changed my perspective on life, what I ate, who I was around, how I handled stress, everything). I suppose one day I will be thankful for my brothers addiction awakening me to realize I am co-dependent. Right now I am just pissed though.

outtolunch

There is no reason to communicate your boundaries to another unless the boundary setter is just trying to control other people's choices and behaviors.