Needing parent support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Rockville Maryland
Posts: 1
Needing parent support
Hi, I am a divorced mom with two wonderful daughters, 22 and 25 years of age.
I have been married twice, and have a very healthy friendship with my first husband, my daughter's dad.
My older daughter is married and they, along with my younger daughter live with my ex, in the family home. I am invited to stay over when ever it is convenient for all of us. I live very close to the house, and up until a few years ago, I even lived there for a year while recovering from my second divorce. Crazy, I know.
My older daughter has been drinking daily from early afternoon till bedtime, without working, without participating in household chores, since she and her husband moved into the family home, two years ago. The year before that, they lived on a military base in SC where she lived the same way. Her life consists of watching anything on her computer while the TV is on as well, eating candy and some healthy food and drinking straight votka in one glass while also drinking a bottle of water and sometimes a beer. She carries her drinks with her when she moves from room to room, creating mess in her wake.
Her husband does not want to involve himself in helping her recognize her disease because he too drinks, although not to same degree. He atleast has a job, and takes care of his own personal household responsibilities. My younger daughter picks up after my older daughter with much animosity and frustration because it won't get done if she doesn't. My ex, their dad is reluctant to talk to my older daughter, even though we visited an addiction counselor for advice, because, I believe, he doesn't want to cause any harm to her marriage by bringing her addiction to a head.
I had spoken to her over six months ago about her alcohol addiction and thought she was ready to visit a therapist, but months went by, he dad wasn't ready to get involved, her husband either, and we are no where closer to helping her. I opened up to her again last week but this time I cried while talking to her, sharing my concerns for her future, her life, that I didn't want her to die from drinking, that I'd give my life for her if it meant that she would be addiction free. I told her that she was on my mind everyday, that I felt hopeless in knowing what to do for her. That is loved her so very much. That I felt like an incredible failure as a mother for creating hurt in her life, for the hate she felt towards me for leaving her father, her and her sister. These weren't words I hadn't shared before, they just needed to be said again. Her response was "It's all about you isn't it Mom. I have issues that I know I need to deal with, but your crying is all about you."
My older daughter is bright and quick with verbal defense tactics that shut me up. We haven't spoken since then. I just don't know where to go from here.
I only know that this time I can't let months go by without keeping the subject of her addiction to alcohol present. I want to be an effective parent. I don't want any discussions I have with her about it to sound like they are about how it makes me feel.
I want to know that there's something her dad and I can do to help her. I don't think I will ever be able to find my own happiness if she's not on the road to recovery. I went to an AA meeting and I'm sorry but, I'm not ready to step away and not fight the recovery fight with her. I just don't know where to go from here.
So, I'll take any and all suggestions please. I know it's up to her to want to recover. She hasn't even admitted she is an alcoholic yet. We're still at the beginning stage of helping her open up.
Looking forward to your responses.
DeNeen1
I have been married twice, and have a very healthy friendship with my first husband, my daughter's dad.
My older daughter is married and they, along with my younger daughter live with my ex, in the family home. I am invited to stay over when ever it is convenient for all of us. I live very close to the house, and up until a few years ago, I even lived there for a year while recovering from my second divorce. Crazy, I know.
My older daughter has been drinking daily from early afternoon till bedtime, without working, without participating in household chores, since she and her husband moved into the family home, two years ago. The year before that, they lived on a military base in SC where she lived the same way. Her life consists of watching anything on her computer while the TV is on as well, eating candy and some healthy food and drinking straight votka in one glass while also drinking a bottle of water and sometimes a beer. She carries her drinks with her when she moves from room to room, creating mess in her wake.
Her husband does not want to involve himself in helping her recognize her disease because he too drinks, although not to same degree. He atleast has a job, and takes care of his own personal household responsibilities. My younger daughter picks up after my older daughter with much animosity and frustration because it won't get done if she doesn't. My ex, their dad is reluctant to talk to my older daughter, even though we visited an addiction counselor for advice, because, I believe, he doesn't want to cause any harm to her marriage by bringing her addiction to a head.
I had spoken to her over six months ago about her alcohol addiction and thought she was ready to visit a therapist, but months went by, he dad wasn't ready to get involved, her husband either, and we are no where closer to helping her. I opened up to her again last week but this time I cried while talking to her, sharing my concerns for her future, her life, that I didn't want her to die from drinking, that I'd give my life for her if it meant that she would be addiction free. I told her that she was on my mind everyday, that I felt hopeless in knowing what to do for her. That is loved her so very much. That I felt like an incredible failure as a mother for creating hurt in her life, for the hate she felt towards me for leaving her father, her and her sister. These weren't words I hadn't shared before, they just needed to be said again. Her response was "It's all about you isn't it Mom. I have issues that I know I need to deal with, but your crying is all about you."
My older daughter is bright and quick with verbal defense tactics that shut me up. We haven't spoken since then. I just don't know where to go from here.
I only know that this time I can't let months go by without keeping the subject of her addiction to alcohol present. I want to be an effective parent. I don't want any discussions I have with her about it to sound like they are about how it makes me feel.
I want to know that there's something her dad and I can do to help her. I don't think I will ever be able to find my own happiness if she's not on the road to recovery. I went to an AA meeting and I'm sorry but, I'm not ready to step away and not fight the recovery fight with her. I just don't know where to go from here.
So, I'll take any and all suggestions please. I know it's up to her to want to recover. She hasn't even admitted she is an alcoholic yet. We're still at the beginning stage of helping her open up.
Looking forward to your responses.
DeNeen1
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,391
Hi DeNeen
I'm sorry for your situation.
I'm not a parent, but I am familiar with wanting to fix the people I love.
It's a natural desire, but as an alcoholic addict I know the more someone tried to push me to help the more I pushed back, especially once I was an adult.
As a loved one of alcoholics, I've learned it's not really my job to fix anyone else either.
I know you said you've been to AA but have you thought of something like AlAnon for yourself?
Detachment, in my opinion, is not about abandoning anyone - it's about letting them hit their bottom, abandoning their denial, and then finding their feet.
I needed to do that. I'm not sure I would have had I someone who was forever bailling me out.
It's also about protecting yourself and the rest of the family from the black hole of chaos addiction can create.
I needed to do that too in situations where I wasn't the addict.
I've moved your post to our Family and Friends forums - I know you'll find a lot of support and experience here as well
D
I'm sorry for your situation.
I'm not a parent, but I am familiar with wanting to fix the people I love.
It's a natural desire, but as an alcoholic addict I know the more someone tried to push me to help the more I pushed back, especially once I was an adult.
As a loved one of alcoholics, I've learned it's not really my job to fix anyone else either.
I know you said you've been to AA but have you thought of something like AlAnon for yourself?
Detachment, in my opinion, is not about abandoning anyone - it's about letting them hit their bottom, abandoning their denial, and then finding their feet.
I needed to do that. I'm not sure I would have had I someone who was forever bailling me out.
It's also about protecting yourself and the rest of the family from the black hole of chaos addiction can create.
I needed to do that too in situations where I wasn't the addict.
I've moved your post to our Family and Friends forums - I know you'll find a lot of support and experience here as well
D
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family DeNeen!
I applaud you and your ex on maintaining civil relations for the interest of your children. I have the same relationship with my first ex.
We also (1st ex and I) share two young adult children. Our oldest is a daughter, age 24, and she likes to drink. It is painful for me to see her make that choice.
I found help in detaching from her behaviors by attending Alanon meetings, reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" and by spending time here at the Friends & Family section of SR.
Today, I enjoy a loving relationship with my daughter and accept her for who she is today. She knows I love her. She also knows that I will remove myself from a situation that involves drinking to excess. I recently spent a wonderful weekend with her at my ex's house. She drank the occasional beer but kept it to a minimum. We respectfully respect our comfort zones.
Please keep reading and posting. Vent if you need to. We understand!
I applaud you and your ex on maintaining civil relations for the interest of your children. I have the same relationship with my first ex.
We also (1st ex and I) share two young adult children. Our oldest is a daughter, age 24, and she likes to drink. It is painful for me to see her make that choice.
I found help in detaching from her behaviors by attending Alanon meetings, reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" and by spending time here at the Friends & Family section of SR.
Today, I enjoy a loving relationship with my daughter and accept her for who she is today. She knows I love her. She also knows that I will remove myself from a situation that involves drinking to excess. I recently spent a wonderful weekend with her at my ex's house. She drank the occasional beer but kept it to a minimum. We respectfully respect our comfort zones.
Please keep reading and posting. Vent if you need to. We understand!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR!
I like what Pelican says above - finding one's comfort zones. The painful truth is - you can't help your daughter. She has to help herself. What you can do is not engage in certain situations where you know she is drinking, and that could become potentially volatile. Alcoholics can be very mean and hurtful when threatened. And your "help" is viewed as threatening the addiction.
Keep reading here, consider Al-Anon, and keep posting. We are here for you.
~T
I like what Pelican says above - finding one's comfort zones. The painful truth is - you can't help your daughter. She has to help herself. What you can do is not engage in certain situations where you know she is drinking, and that could become potentially volatile. Alcoholics can be very mean and hurtful when threatened. And your "help" is viewed as threatening the addiction.
Keep reading here, consider Al-Anon, and keep posting. We are here for you.
~T
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