New Man Two Weeks Out Of Rehab
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
New Man Two Weeks Out Of Rehab
I have posted my story before but I just have to vent because I am having so much trouble letting it go.
My XAGF had been in my life either as a friend or girlfriend for over eight years.
I saw her through many hard times.
I literally carried her into a detox facility.
And was with her every step of the way through rehab.
Taking care of everything for her on the outside while she was in rehab.
She went on to sober living.
I really thought that this going to be a new start for our relationship.
She had told me that this was going to be a new beginning for the two of us.
Then after just two weeks into sober living I could tell that there was something wrong. I was already quite familiar with the signs of when she was lying.
I had plenty of practice of her lying and deceiving when she was drinking.
So I pushed her to tell me what was going on.
She told me that she met someone, and is in love with him.
I said "are you kidding me? You have only been out of rehab for two weeks."
She said that it has all happened very fast.
Needless to say we broke up.
What she is doing is the opposite of what she is supposed to be doing for her sobriety. (Making big changes within the first year.)
I have been going to Al Anon and it has been a life saver.
I am not in a good place. But without Al Anon I would definitely be in a far worse place.
I am trying to put the focus on me.
But the fact that she could just throw all of our years away for her new sober living boyfriend really hurts.
Knowing that I am spending so much time thinking about her when she is probably not spending a minute thinking about me makes me mad at myself.
I never hear from her family anymore whom I had always been very close too.
They used to call me a godsend. Now nothing.
Who knows what she has told them about me. I know I have to let this go as well. But this is also difficult.
I know that my life will be far better off without her in it.
But the fact that she could just dispose of me so quick and easily leaves me in a lot of pain.
My XAGF had been in my life either as a friend or girlfriend for over eight years.
I saw her through many hard times.
I literally carried her into a detox facility.
And was with her every step of the way through rehab.
Taking care of everything for her on the outside while she was in rehab.
She went on to sober living.
I really thought that this going to be a new start for our relationship.
She had told me that this was going to be a new beginning for the two of us.
Then after just two weeks into sober living I could tell that there was something wrong. I was already quite familiar with the signs of when she was lying.
I had plenty of practice of her lying and deceiving when she was drinking.
So I pushed her to tell me what was going on.
She told me that she met someone, and is in love with him.
I said "are you kidding me? You have only been out of rehab for two weeks."
She said that it has all happened very fast.
Needless to say we broke up.
What she is doing is the opposite of what she is supposed to be doing for her sobriety. (Making big changes within the first year.)
I have been going to Al Anon and it has been a life saver.
I am not in a good place. But without Al Anon I would definitely be in a far worse place.
I am trying to put the focus on me.
But the fact that she could just throw all of our years away for her new sober living boyfriend really hurts.
Knowing that I am spending so much time thinking about her when she is probably not spending a minute thinking about me makes me mad at myself.
I never hear from her family anymore whom I had always been very close too.
They used to call me a godsend. Now nothing.
Who knows what she has told them about me. I know I have to let this go as well. But this is also difficult.
I know that my life will be far better off without her in it.
But the fact that she could just dispose of me so quick and easily leaves me in a lot of pain.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
What may happen is something that's going to make her realise she has made a mistake. Two addicts/alcoholics having an intimate relationship in very early recovery is incredibly damaging. They are just using each other to fill the void that was left by drugs/alcohol. She might realise she has done this in the future. But it might take something drastic for this to happen. I wish you all the best and I hope it all gets better for you.
Natom.
Natom.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I have read several of your posts about what was going on with this.
Your ex is doing a couple of things that aren't recommended in successful recovery. #1 getting into a new relationship within the first year of recovery. I wonder how many other things she has chosen to disregard. That she is already with someone and in love with in 2 weeks spells huge red flags to me.
But it doesn't change how you feel which I imagine is after you put in the work that someone else is reaping the rewards, and you were hung out to dry. Betrayal and being used is a terrible feeling.
Had you stayed together please know it would not have been an easy relationship - it very well might have been far worse as she learned how to live sober. Do not fool yourself that everything is peachy keen over there in neverland where she and new boyfriend are roosting. I am finding living with a sober alcoholic to be equally as difficult as living with an active one. There are slight variations some things worse and some things better in each circumstance I certainly prefer sober. What I like (if you can call it like) about him when he drinks is sometimes it puts him in a very easy going mood. But it also comes with tons of lies and more often than not aggression.
I don't think you have heard the end of the Ex. Those of us that take this kind of BS on are a different breed of people and are in the minority out there. I honestly cannot think of one friend of mine, and I have many, that would put up with the sh** that I have which is what keeps me in al anon. I do not want to be the fixer of the unfixable anymore.
She will do the same to him as to you and their relationship will be riddled with the same obstacles as yours was. She is too fresh to have made the character changes that come in later recovery.
I am very, very sorry that this hurts you so deeply. Maybe you need to refresh the things that were difficult. Enjoy that your home is peaceful. Enjoy that you aren't quagmired in with the drama.
Change takes awhile to become accustomed to - even changes that are better for us!
Your ex is doing a couple of things that aren't recommended in successful recovery. #1 getting into a new relationship within the first year of recovery. I wonder how many other things she has chosen to disregard. That she is already with someone and in love with in 2 weeks spells huge red flags to me.
But it doesn't change how you feel which I imagine is after you put in the work that someone else is reaping the rewards, and you were hung out to dry. Betrayal and being used is a terrible feeling.
Had you stayed together please know it would not have been an easy relationship - it very well might have been far worse as she learned how to live sober. Do not fool yourself that everything is peachy keen over there in neverland where she and new boyfriend are roosting. I am finding living with a sober alcoholic to be equally as difficult as living with an active one. There are slight variations some things worse and some things better in each circumstance I certainly prefer sober. What I like (if you can call it like) about him when he drinks is sometimes it puts him in a very easy going mood. But it also comes with tons of lies and more often than not aggression.
I don't think you have heard the end of the Ex. Those of us that take this kind of BS on are a different breed of people and are in the minority out there. I honestly cannot think of one friend of mine, and I have many, that would put up with the sh** that I have which is what keeps me in al anon. I do not want to be the fixer of the unfixable anymore.
She will do the same to him as to you and their relationship will be riddled with the same obstacles as yours was. She is too fresh to have made the character changes that come in later recovery.
I am very, very sorry that this hurts you so deeply. Maybe you need to refresh the things that were difficult. Enjoy that your home is peaceful. Enjoy that you aren't quagmired in with the drama.
Change takes awhile to become accustomed to - even changes that are better for us!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by dollydo 
I am sorry that you are in pain, her behavior is not uncommon. Keep those meetings up and
prepare yourself, she will probably be back, once her "fling" doesn't pan out.
prepare yourself, she will probably be back, once her "fling" doesn't pan out.
More to be revealed...this is not over yet.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Thank you all,
I recently talked to an addiction specialist.
She told me that what my XAGF is doing is very dangerous in terms of her sobriety.
She said that what she is doing means that she is not working her program.
Probably not listening to her sponsor.
And most important not wanting to seriously take the steps involved in looking at herself and why she drinks.
She said that this type of early romance has a high rate of ending in relapse for one or both parties.
And as many of you stated she told me to be ready, that she would bet her practice on the fact that I will hear from her again.
She said that you have always been her rock. So unfortunately you could very well hear from her when she gets into trouble.
So you need to really work your Al Anon program during this time without her.
I dont know if hearing that she is not done with me yet makes me feel better or worse.
I certainly hope that someday I can get to a point where I think about her as little as she is probably thinking about me.
I recently talked to an addiction specialist.
She told me that what my XAGF is doing is very dangerous in terms of her sobriety.
She said that what she is doing means that she is not working her program.
Probably not listening to her sponsor.
And most important not wanting to seriously take the steps involved in looking at herself and why she drinks.
She said that this type of early romance has a high rate of ending in relapse for one or both parties.
And as many of you stated she told me to be ready, that she would bet her practice on the fact that I will hear from her again.
She said that you have always been her rock. So unfortunately you could very well hear from her when she gets into trouble.
So you need to really work your Al Anon program during this time without her.
I dont know if hearing that she is not done with me yet makes me feel better or worse.
I certainly hope that someday I can get to a point where I think about her as little as she is probably thinking about me.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Good grief. She's chasing a new high. I think we can safely predict this is going to end badly for her, and drinking will definitely play a part in it.
Sometimes the writing is so obvious on the wall--we really don't need to give this type of story the benefit of the doubt.
Yep--she'll try to come back, crying and begging. What are you going to do when she does?
Sometimes the writing is so obvious on the wall--we really don't need to give this type of story the benefit of the doubt.
Yep--she'll try to come back, crying and begging. What are you going to do when she does?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I know this hurts now, but you will one day look back and realize she did you a big favor by leaving.
You need to have a plan ready for when she comes back begging and crying telling you over and over again that she made a huge mistake.
In your head you might be picturing them having this great sober life, believe me that is not the case. She hasn't fixed any of her problems and no one falls in love in two weeks. Her fling will blow up into a huge mess of chaos and most likely one or both of them will relapse. I hope when it happens that you will have decided to wash your hands clean of her.
I will be praying you find some peace
hugs
Maylie
You need to have a plan ready for when she comes back begging and crying telling you over and over again that she made a huge mistake.
In your head you might be picturing them having this great sober life, believe me that is not the case. She hasn't fixed any of her problems and no one falls in love in two weeks. Her fling will blow up into a huge mess of chaos and most likely one or both of them will relapse. I hope when it happens that you will have decided to wash your hands clean of her.
I will be praying you find some peace
hugs
Maylie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
All I can say MadeOfGlass is that when she was drinking she left me twice before.
Not for someone else. But because she was distorted in her crazy alcoholic thinking.
And both times I welcomed her back with open arms.
I was not going to Al Anon then and was as crazy as she was.
One thing she sure showed me is that sober she is just as untrustworthy as she was drinking. Her behavior has not seemed to change much.
I just pray that I am a stronger healthier person now!
But I guess until that time comes where she reappears at my front door as everyone seems to think she will, I cannot totally be sure.
Not for someone else. But because she was distorted in her crazy alcoholic thinking.
And both times I welcomed her back with open arms.
I was not going to Al Anon then and was as crazy as she was.
One thing she sure showed me is that sober she is just as untrustworthy as she was drinking. Her behavior has not seemed to change much.
I just pray that I am a stronger healthier person now!
But I guess until that time comes where she reappears at my front door as everyone seems to think she will, I cannot totally be sure.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I can only speak for myself, so.... all the good and over the top things I did to help XA try and find sobriety I did because I wanted to. I did not do them with an "us" equation, I really just wanted better for him. Was it time wasted? sure seems like it, but i have zero regret.
i get to go forward , AND so do you. With gentleness I say ...... throw that score card out the window, it's not doing you any good.
In time you will meet someone that will appreciate and value YOU. Sounds like you did the same thing I did, we put so very much time in effort into something that just wasn't available. But i refuse to let his actions and choices define me.
Do not feel bad about her family not staying in contact. It's just how things happen sometimes. They may be embarrassed or they may think quite fondly of you, and are allowing you the dignity to move on without their family baggage.
You can't stop being you, but you also cannot wish her into something she can never be for you. Hang in there.
i get to go forward , AND so do you. With gentleness I say ...... throw that score card out the window, it's not doing you any good.
In time you will meet someone that will appreciate and value YOU. Sounds like you did the same thing I did, we put so very much time in effort into something that just wasn't available. But i refuse to let his actions and choices define me.
Do not feel bad about her family not staying in contact. It's just how things happen sometimes. They may be embarrassed or they may think quite fondly of you, and are allowing you the dignity to move on without their family baggage.
You can't stop being you, but you also cannot wish her into something she can never be for you. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
soexhausted, here is something that may help:
work the program and focus on you. until you can be comfortable being by yourself and not depend on someone else to make you happy, no one wil make you happy. that will make you a stronger, healthier person.
one way to get through it is to stop talking and typing about her and start talking and typing about you. after all, she isnt your problem. your problem is the man in the mirror.
"I never hear from her family anymore whom I had always been very close too.
They used to call me a godsend. Now nothing"
self pity?
IMO, what i am reading has some enabling in it.
it is a new start for your relationship, but not the one you had expectations of.
hold yer head up. look in the mirror and tell yerself," i am a good man. i like myself today and know this,too, shall pass." or something like that.
work the program and focus on you. until you can be comfortable being by yourself and not depend on someone else to make you happy, no one wil make you happy. that will make you a stronger, healthier person.
one way to get through it is to stop talking and typing about her and start talking and typing about you. after all, she isnt your problem. your problem is the man in the mirror.
"I never hear from her family anymore whom I had always been very close too.
They used to call me a godsend. Now nothing"
self pity?
IMO, what i am reading has some enabling in it.
it is a new start for your relationship, but not the one you had expectations of.
hold yer head up. look in the mirror and tell yerself," i am a good man. i like myself today and know this,too, shall pass." or something like that.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Yeah, bud, we thought we had finally turned the corner. Instead, we feel like they led us into wrong alley and that we're being mugged (by her & cohorts), hurt and humiliated.
Whether it happens in rehab (me), sober living (you), or the rooms of AA (13th stepped), it feels like crud for those of us who lovingly were there for them because they're tossing away not only us but also, almost surely, their program. And, those of us with kids, never signed up for the two As for one deal either - especially in those circumstances.
Thanks for sharing the info you got from the addiction specialist!
Yes, they both skipped out on the program and meetings from the get-go. Yes, they both relapsed. One of them overdosed. The only thing that, in my opinion, is not a certainty is the A coming back - because one never knows when the disease may take them away for good.
Our deep wounds, with time and recovery, will turn into visible scars that we'll adapt to yet feel and flashback from forever - I think. Al-Anon is, for me, that recovery process.
Hang in there!
Whether it happens in rehab (me), sober living (you), or the rooms of AA (13th stepped), it feels like crud for those of us who lovingly were there for them because they're tossing away not only us but also, almost surely, their program. And, those of us with kids, never signed up for the two As for one deal either - especially in those circumstances.
Thanks for sharing the info you got from the addiction specialist!
Yes, they both skipped out on the program and meetings from the get-go. Yes, they both relapsed. One of them overdosed. The only thing that, in my opinion, is not a certainty is the A coming back - because one never knows when the disease may take them away for good.
Our deep wounds, with time and recovery, will turn into visible scars that we'll adapt to yet feel and flashback from forever - I think. Al-Anon is, for me, that recovery process.
Hang in there!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Thank you all for your responses.
I do not mean to sound like I am wallowing in self pity. Because I am not.
I do not regret a single thing I did for her.
Anything I did that was positive, anything I did that may have pointed her towards sobriety I would do all over again.
Even if I had been aware of sober living boy.
I am working a strong program in Al Anon.
Even though it might not sound like it from my thread.
I am well aware that it is me that now needs the fixing.
But I am also human.
No matter how hard I work at it there are going to be times that I feel pain, hurt and sorrow.
I knew that our relationship might not survive.
But I was in no way prepared for her telling me she was in love with another man just two weeks out of rehab.
That left me blindsided.
I will continue to work on myself.
I will continue to try and become a healthier person.
But I will also not beat myself up for feeling sad now and again about the way things have worked out.
I do not mean to sound like I am wallowing in self pity. Because I am not.
I do not regret a single thing I did for her.
Anything I did that was positive, anything I did that may have pointed her towards sobriety I would do all over again.
Even if I had been aware of sober living boy.
I am working a strong program in Al Anon.
Even though it might not sound like it from my thread.
I am well aware that it is me that now needs the fixing.
But I am also human.
No matter how hard I work at it there are going to be times that I feel pain, hurt and sorrow.
I knew that our relationship might not survive.
But I was in no way prepared for her telling me she was in love with another man just two weeks out of rehab.
That left me blindsided.
I will continue to work on myself.
I will continue to try and become a healthier person.
But I will also not beat myself up for feeling sad now and again about the way things have worked out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
P.S. Thanks marie1960,
I think that is a good point you made about her parents.
Her mother had always hoped that one day we would get married.
So she might very well feel embarrassed and uncomfortable.
And as far as her letting me move on, she told me once that "I hate to say this about my own daughter, but sometimes I feel that she is just not capable of loving and appreciating a man like you.
She had mentioned to me once that she doesn't deserve you. And maybe she doesn't."
Very sad words from a mother.
I think that is a good point you made about her parents.
Her mother had always hoped that one day we would get married.
So she might very well feel embarrassed and uncomfortable.
And as far as her letting me move on, she told me once that "I hate to say this about my own daughter, but sometimes I feel that she is just not capable of loving and appreciating a man like you.
She had mentioned to me once that she doesn't deserve you. And maybe she doesn't."
Very sad words from a mother.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
It is a part of healing to feel all that you are & your feelings are normal given the circumstances.
You are not alone there.
I too accept that I must feel in order to heal.
Hang in there, your doing all the right things.
You are not alone there.
I too accept that I must feel in order to heal.
Hang in there, your doing all the right things.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Soexhausted, One thing I did do to help me move forward was to get involved with a charity that is near and dear to my heart. I had so much extra time on my hands after XA, and I had to find away to make the noise in my head subside.
It was so very important that I find away to channel all that negative energy. I was pleasantly surprised with the outcome. I have met new people, and it's easy to make new friends when you all seem to share the same focus.
Time for a new hobby? Find that something that you can embrace and run with it.
Remember you can' let your light shine under a bucket. This is YOUR journey now, make it count.
It was so very important that I find away to channel all that negative energy. I was pleasantly surprised with the outcome. I have met new people, and it's easy to make new friends when you all seem to share the same focus.
Time for a new hobby? Find that something that you can embrace and run with it.
Remember you can' let your light shine under a bucket. This is YOUR journey now, make it count.
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