Rijjer

Hi Everyone! I'm new here, but I know the power of discussion, and I'm hoping for some helpful words.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, we're both 30, and it's the same old story. I love him, we're perfect together, but I hate the power that drinking has over him.

He has drank since day one, that's not new. When we met, he wasn't working, lived with his mom, and had a financial burden that he couldn't get rid of. He is still in those situations, except he now works full time.

I know that he uses alcohol as a way to escape the unhappiness he has with life. But I don't know how much longer I can put up with it.

But of course, he doesn't see the problem. He wants to be drunk from Friday to Monday morning, and most nights during the week. I guess you could call him a functioning alcoholic? He's not physically or mentally abusive, but it's definitely affecting my existing anxiety. I'm excited to spend my time with him, but as soon as he pours that first drink, my heart breaks knowing that our weekend is ruined, he'll start playing online poker, tell the same stories about his unhappiness, pass out early, and repeat the next day. If we have a meaningful conversation, he won't remember it. If we have plans, he'll try and drunkenly reason his way out of them, or get too drunk to function. I've expressed my concern about our future, about having kids and him being too drunk to drive them to soccer practice. He stares into the computer screen, seemingly listening, but not really hearing me. I've asked him to stay home if he plans on spending the day drunk, but last weekend he came over, stayed at my place drinking while I went to a baby shower & passed out after I came home.

I know not to nag him, because his mother does that & I know he reacts negatively. I'm trying not to trigger him, by guilt tripping him or crying about it. I've read about detachment, but find it extremely frustrating to keep suffering while he carries on with this destructive behavior.
When I'm unhappy in life, I make efforts to change it. I broke it off with an abuser in the past & I went to counselling. I hated my career, so I've gone back to school and work part-time. I work hard to better myself, and I don't understand someone who hides from life by drinking.

I've been in an abusive relationship before, and this is far from it. The thought of being without my bf is bringing me to tears right now. But what can I do?

Sueski

Hi, and welcome, Rijjer. You are in the right place for helpful words and discussion. I'm new, too, and it's been phenomenal. Just knowing I'm not alone, etc.

I don't think you are overreacting. That said, you can't make him change his ways. The only one who is under your control is you. And I know that this reality just stinks. Educate yourself as much as you can, and take care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually as best you can.

CactusJill

Hi Rjjer-

Your story is really similar to mine too. I love my ABF with all my heart and would love nothing more than to marry him. We have been together on and off since we were kids. Both in our 30s. Mine is functional too. Unlike you, I an in recovery for my own problem

it doesn't sound like you are ready to let go, and that is ok. You will know when it is time. But in the meantime, go to Al-Anon. At the very least, come here religiously and read this thread. You do have to learn to detach, or get rid of him. I struggle with that myself. It is far from easy.

As for triggering him - you don't trigger him. As an A myself, I can tell you that As look for excuses to drink. Only he can control his drinking - you are giving yourself too much power. My ABF says the same things - he drinks because he had a good day, because we had a fight, because he had a bad day, you name it.

You are right about not nagging though - all that will do is make you crazy.

Hang in there. If only they realized the damage they caused... I know I didn't. Not until now, when the shoe is on the other foot.

Maylie

Welcome! It comes down to you deciding how much you are
going to put up with. This is a progressive disease, which ends in
either death or jail, and therefore if you decide to stay you need to
know might become events in your future to deal with.

Many people recover and go on to live really productive and
meaningful lives, but your BF hasn't even come to the
realization that he has a problem yet, so he is VERY far
from any chance of recovery. I would read some stories about
what others are going through living with someone who has a
drinking problem to see if it is something you are willing to deal with.

I wish you all the best, just remember that you can't change or cure
him, and remember to put yourself first. Dealing with an A can be very
stressful, and many strong people lose their self identity in this chaos.

hugs,

Maylie