Bananashake

Hi, I have been here before but have never posted a comment or registered until now. I have always found the comments posted here helpful and supportive. I guess that is what i am looking for right now. A little Help and support.

I Have recently ended a relationship with an alcoholic. We were together 2 years, at first her drinking wasn't a (problem). Our relationship started as friends and blossomed into something beautiful and wonderful. I guess that is how they all start.

We have not been together now since July. I have tried to keep my distance from her and to let the memories fade. The good and the bad but in that attempt she wants to remain friends and will contact me from time to time always when drinking. I have drawn the line at the chatting online, I will not and cannot see her. It hurts too much.
During the last 6 months of the relationship i realized that I was secondary to her drinking. she would go home at night and tell me that she wanted to sleep and after working a night shift i would walk in the door at 8 am to 10 to 15 empty beer cans.

I know in my heart that I love Her. If i didn't then it would be a million times easier to just move on

Things i miss everyday,
her presence
Her laughter
making dinner concoctions together
sunday morning breakfasts
the same bed together
the look she gave me when i delivered coffee in bed.
our random adventures together
being able to say anything to her in confidence and know that it wasn't going to leave her lips again.
the sunlight hours knowing that she wasn't drunk

Things I will never miss.

the smell of a drunk. that acrid stench that filled the apartment
being left on a porch of her parents cause she was too drunk to wake up and let me in.
being blamed for her drinking
being left at a hospital cause she was passed out and didn't get the call
being embarrassed cause she was out of control at the bar
the fights after she gets drunk
feeling unloved
the feeling of worthlessness that comes from being secondary to alcohol
Having my needs be forgotten constantly
Checking her eyes for jaundice in the morning

these lists are not complete but these are just me venting.

As I said, I have used this resource in the past while we were together, mostly to know what to say to an alcoholic that wouldn't end in a fight. By the way confronting an alcoholic generally isn't pretty. It generally ended in her saying that I was wrong that this is just who she is, Deal with it.

we decided to travel to Asia together for 2 months and this is where I couldn't take it anymore. I told her one night after she went to 711 for 5 giant beers that it was either me or the drinking. She turned it around on me and made me feel like a piece of **** for even saying that. After reading on this website I thought I was prepared to hear what I didn't want to hear. We continued to travel together for another month as I watched her drink every night. After returning home we got in a large fight that ended in me leaving, After saying that i couldn't watch her kill herself.

Now Hear i am. Months later still stuck in her ruts.

So hear are my questions.

Do I do what I know I have to do and severe all contact?
I want to send her one last letter to vent it all and let it off my chest. Is this a good way to start to healing?

Also I am new here and don't know the rules, I apologize if I have broken any

Thank you for reading.

Anna

I think you are ready to choose to end all contact with this person. It sounds like it's a toxic relationship for you.

Personally, I don't think writing a possibly hurtful letter would help you to heal. I think journalling for yourself could be very healing. But, whenever I've hurt someone else, in the guise of venting, I don't feel good about it.

zanzibar

IMO you just answered your own question as well as saying about the only way that you are able to help her.

I can sense your anxiety that you've acquired in this relationship, as you know you've said nothing wrong but still think you may have. I'm well versed in this form of anxiety myself.

The best you can do is what's best for you as she has to find her own path.

Welcome and visit the friends and family forum as even if you don't stay I can tell you have a lot to recover from this yourself.

Impurrfect

((Bananashake)) - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here. I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and have loved ones who are still A's (addicts/alcoholics). I've gotten a tremendous amount of support here, at SR, especially from the Friends & Family forums (F&F). You may want to check out the one for loved ones of alcoholics Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

As far as the letter, I did that YEARS ago when I was with my first bf who was an alcoholic. Not only did it not get through to him, I've found out years later that I had a part in the toxic relationship, too....ouch!

I've had to learn to do what is best for me, to let the A do what they're going to do because I can't change them.

I'm glad you're here, and I'm sure you will find lots of support

Hugs and prayers,

Amy