Wolfram

Tomorrow will again be day 1.

Soo sick of it!!

Feel trapped. And when trapped... not good.

SR is for the present the only place I feel I can share. Apart from a friend of mind on FB.

Why do I not call AA phone lines. Why??

Anyone experienced this fear? Fear of calling?

As for all my other friends, family etc. I keep silence. Tomorrow night will go to AA meeting again. But won't take a newcomers token again, christ it would be my fourth..

Am I hopeless.

So afraid to be in caged into something I don't want, that I stay in my rat hole.

Otherwise all is good. I am not just sober, and since I started, won't be able to stop till I make myself sick tonight. The usual ritual. On a binge. But will wake feeling like crap as you know all, and start over again. No violence expected. No hurt to no one, apart myself. And only my shame of it all.

Why do I do this to myself.

Why do I not call for help?

man...

If you wasted your time ready this this, sorry...

SoberForMySon

Hugs.... We are all here for you.

endlesspatience

If you're still posting here, you're still set on the idea of recovery at some level. Might as well go to that AA meeting if you can. Let us know how it went.

Sapling

I have a friend in AA that has a truckload of white chips...He just celebrated 9 years...We do what we have to do.

Change4good

No, you are not hopeless. You can do this. I will take a page from Dee's book. . .do you have a plan? An AA meeting sounds like a good start.

Sending positive energy your way. Glad to have you back.

Wolfram

Always felt that having a truckload of whitechips was judged.

Always that feeling of being judged for who I am..

Most of you know all this..

Ok, over and out, might come back later tonight. But will be back tomorrow.

And yes, if I posted here, it is because I definitively I want to get rid of this.

I don't ask for no advice. I am used to managing (at least I think I do) things on my own.

Just needed to post to vent. To communicate this sort of pain somewhere, instead on keeping it all inside.

No one needs reply. Already venting is a great opportunity.

Thank you all.

Cormat

Pick up the phone. Dial a single number. Put the phone back down. Pick up phone, dial two numbers, put the phone down. Pick up phone......ah you get it.

Change4good

Well, I will reply. You don't have to drink anymore tonight. It will not ease the pain, only mask it. We are here for you.

Zube

Not to sound hash, but weren't you just posting on a thread yesterday with the concern that you might not really want to stay in AA because you did not want to sponsor others, or something like that?

I'd look seriously at step 1, man.

A phone list helps, but it alone is not going to keep you from drinking.

From yesterdays thread, and I know hindsight is 20/20, IMO you had already talked yourself into a relapse with the whole AA/sponsor thing.

Go back to AA, and ask for a first step meeting, get to another meeting, ask for a temporary sponor, find more meetings, read the big book, go to more meetings, read the 12 and 12 on Step 1, meeting, listen, meeting, listen, meeting...

hang in there, it'll click.
Zube

Wolfram

Yes I did.

I will return here when sober. Cause I deeply respect SR and consider it to be a place for sober people.

Thank you.

Dee74

SR's for anyone who needs support Wolfram...a lot of people here are looking for help while still drinking...heck, I drank for 20 years...I understand it

For me my pride (and the other side of that coin, my shame) kept me from seeking help for a long time.

I think we need to put all our efforts into saving ourselves...we can save face and sort other things out later

D

Wolfram

well I stopped.

Hope not many from this forum judge me for the monster that I am.

Will accept it anyways. Judgement is at least an expression of concern. I will take all there is.

I am just glad I threw it away.

21:16 here eastern time.. beginning to be sober again.

Good night to you all on SR

Dee74

I doubt anyone here thinks you're a monster Wolfram
hope you have a good night's rrest

D

Wolfram

thanks.

been drawings monster since I was a child. never though it would be a self portrait...

A child never lies...

IWillWin

Hi Wolf...I don't think you are a monster, I know you are deep in the grip of a monster. So does everyone else here. We've all been there, and there is no judgement among a community of folks who are very well acquainted with the Beast.

The collective wisdom here will help you break its grasp. Stay strong and keep posting!! Lots of support here for you!!

Delilah1

Sorry you struggled so much today. If it were easy none of us would need forums like this and meetings. Don't beat yourself up about drinking today, it is in the past and dwelling wont help.

Try to find something to keep yourself distracted tomorrow, and keep posting and reading here. I will check in on you tomorrow.

desertsong

We have all been where you are, Wolfram, and anyone who would judge you needs to take a hard look at themselves. This is not an easy thing we deal with. I have been in and out of AA for three years and have relapsed countless times. I'll have 60 days tomorrow ... again. I have so many 60 days chips from AA that I could make a necklace out of them.

The point is that you are still here and still reaching out for help. You are not a lost cause. We only fail when we quit reaching out for support and we quit trying.

Tomorrow you pick yourself up and try again. That's all any of us can do. I will be pulling for you.

debsam

I don't see a monster either Wolfram....I see somone that use to be me...19 months ago.

You can do this...we're all behind you.

Big ((hugs))

Taking5

No need to call AA just show up at a meeting.

Wolfram

Thank you, I check in, after good night sleep.

I am Hopeful. And feeling much better inside.

I think my failures are part because I put so much pressure on myself.

Day 1.