Bad day...just venting.

Old 11-02-2012, 07:40 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
rsk
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Bad day...just venting.

I have been having a bad day,
I don't know why I still have bad dreams but I do and the feelings seem to linger all day. I have mentioned in previous posts about my issues with the social web sites, I accept that my EXABF is now engaged and HAPPY as can be (after one month of dating someone) but it still unfortunately hurts. I have my good days and today is just not one of them. I keep telling myself that I don't deserve this...it's just unreal how I work so hard to just get better and he is hearing wedding bells and birds chirping. I don't know I am just venting to get it off my chest.

UGHHHH! I hate the lies and betrayal. There really are no words to how stupid I feel. I feel like everything he said about our relationship/future were nothing but lies. There is no way that I could ever believe that he loved me after all this. The show that he is putting on is simply cruel...

I know that I have no say in what he does anymore I am just venting because it's always something new with him and his new "fiance" to show off on the web...I wish they would give it a break,at least for a week...
I think I am so angry because I can't even fathom dating anyone but he is "madly in love" what!?!?! I don't get it, when do I get to be happy?
rsk is offline  
Old 11-02-2012, 08:38 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Vale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>EXABF is now engaged and HAPPY as can be (after one month of dating someone)<<<

One month,huh? Tell him good luck with that......................(sarcasm)
Vale is offline  
Old 11-02-2012, 09:00 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 22
Omg. I totally feel for you. This has been what I'm waiting for from my ex-addict-bf. But when I think about this situation for me I try to keep thinking whatever he put me through he will possibly put the next girl through. Engaged after a month doesn't sound like he's on the right track anyways, that is an insane move for anybody. And in another month he could be single. Just try to keep the idea of good riddance in your head, let someone else deal with what you had to deal with. I'm not sure on your background but I haven't read a good ex or current addict-bf story that sounds like one that I'd want to endure. I wouldn't want to live mine twice. I can imagine that the betrayal you were feeling prior to this news has increased tenfold. My heart definitely goes out to you on this one. I don't think its ever easy to find that your ex has moved on, especially when you're not ready. I am definitely in that same spot, I couldn't imagine dating so if I found out my ex-bf-addict was dating I would be in major pain. I wish you the best in this, and like I said my heart goes out to you.
90210 is offline  
Old 11-02-2012, 09:30 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
FindingErica's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by rsk View Post
I think I am so angry because I can't even fathom dating anyone but he is "madly in love" what!?!?! I don't get it, when do I get to be happy?
Nope, he's not, its called infatuation and it doesnt last. He's desperately grasping at anything to fill the empty void of instant gratification that addicts have. Like greedy toddlers.... Gimmee gimmee gimmee! And like toddlers the lose their intense interest when something shiny or squeaky catches their attention. It isnt real or lasting. Doing the hard work, the soul searching, the questing for self betterment, putting God first (if you believe that way), working on becoming a person of character and living life with integrity. That attracts a lasting relationship. It may not have flash and fast, but in the end you are going to find a higher path that will lead to lasting things.

I understand it hurts right now, and I fully expect that AH will materialize a woman either real soon or he will keep her hidden until the divorce is final. I expect I will be really angry and hurt. This is the lonely season of rebuilding and healing. It stinks! But Id rather do this now then stuff another relationship into that wounded place to avoid feeling and to try to circumvent the pain of growth and healing. Isnt that what adicion is, using something to avoid reality? That is your exA's pattern, and thisis no different. Hold on, you will end up glad you were not in her place.
FindingErica is offline  
Old 11-03-2012, 04:44 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Rsk, man that sucks to say the least and im sure hurts like hell. I learned that I could feel the pain of disappointments and broken dreams and then let it go, the pain and the hopes I could not see MY dreams realized. I just recently after 20 years of hoping and holding onto MY dreams that maybe one day they would come true, then i realized that maybe this is not Gods will for my life?! Maybe this was MY will hoping for a US that maybe one day we would live happy ever after! Step 3!!!!! I finally got it! I finally realized something about my behavior that I was not even aware of!

I realized I had turned my life over to the care of God as I understood him. But I forgot to turn MY will over too! I realized that even if my ex got clean and sober today it would be at least, at the very least one year before he could or would be even close to being ready or able to have a healthy relationship and that's with him working a program! I had to reevaluate my thinking and perspective. What was Gods will for me? I knew it was not being in a relationship with active addiction. I knew it was to be a loving person. And I came to realize after all this that my focus should be on one thing and one thing only when it comes to my ex. Prayers for his recovery! That's it! It was so unbelievably freeing when I finally got it. When my heart and mind finally lined up! My happiness comes frome within, and im realizing that happiness source is endless with being in and doing Gods will for my life! I can't believe it took 20 years for me to learn how to let go! I don't know what the future holds I can't worry or concern myself with today! And keep the focus on me and Gods will for my life and the power to carry that out!

I know your heart is heavy and I bet you want to at minimum choke him out, but if that is not Gods will for you then???? I know you were just venting and for me it is good to vent because it helps me process exactaly what im feeling cause sometimes I don't know! Sometimes I have several feelings/emotions going on inside. Its a process and I know today I don't have to hold onto feelings! I can feel what im feeling and let it go!

Do you attend or have you aattended Al anon? I highly recommend if not, it is and has changed my life!

Prayers sweetie for hope for a tomorrow that is a better brighter happier day for you!
bunkie65 is offline  
Old 11-03-2012, 08:20 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Great post Erica!! And so true!!

Great post Bunkie too! You have inspired me to get back to Alanon!!

RSK - is there anyway you can block his from facebook? Watching from the outside, is like putting salt in the wounds. When this blows up in his face and it will, I hope you have become indifferent. When my exbf did this to me, I thought I would laugh but I found my feeling sorry for him and getting sucked back in. yuck!!
LoveMeNow is offline  
Old 11-03-2012, 09:25 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
Rsk, I believe that he will try to fill his void with anyone that will give him the time of day, but I also believe that the day will come when he will realize just how good he had it with you and he will never be able to find true love like he had with you and hopefully for you, you will have moved on and it will be too late for him.
broken101 is offline  
Old 11-03-2012, 10:19 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by FindingErica View Post
Nope, he's not, its called infatuation and it doesnt last. He's desperately grasping at anything to fill the empty void of instant gratification that addicts have. Like greedy toddlers.... Gimmee gimmee gimmee! And like toddlers the lose their intense interest when something shiny or squeaky catches their attention. It isnt real or lasting.
Amen to that, my dear!

There's no such thing as true, healthy happiness in active addiction, and I speak from both sides of the fence.

He's just found a new victim, and that is all it is, regardless of how he tries to "decorate it with words and wedding plans.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 11-03-2012, 12:32 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
His choices say all that can be said about him and are not a reflection of you.


Why not avoid social media?
outtolunch is offline  
Old 11-03-2012, 01:26 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
The best revenge is a life well lived.
hello-kitty is offline  
Old 11-03-2012, 03:01 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
rsk
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Thank You Everyone...
I do go to NarAnon and it is helpful.

Here's the honest truth and it may sound completely stupid to some but here it is.

From everything that has happened so quickly and despite the fact that I cannot control him, what I have left of my pride is what keeps me from blocking him. I see things because we have many mutual friends and of course his stuff is not "private" so I get to see the things that our mutual friends comment on(it's sad his own friends and family no longer support his actions with this girl). I feel like the pain is undeniable but I don't want to be blindsided again, I don't want to be the last to know and unable to express my feelings rationally. Also maybe deep down it makes me know that even though I am all of a sudden dead to him, actually I am not and I am fighting to keep myself on the right path and staying afloat. As immature as it is, I kind of feel like I am not standing strong if I block him. I leave him alone and have never contacted him so there is no temptation with that, I refuse to have to change my connections with people b/c of him...I mean hasn't he already inflicted enough pain, why should I have to give up something that belongs to me.

There really are no words to describe how extreme they are.Please do not think I am being dramatic. She now has his name tattooed enormously on her body and he will be apparently be getting her name as well. This coming from the man that said he would never get a tattoo of a woman's name nor does he even have any other tattoos.

I do have one question, has anyone ever witnessed someone change so drastically...it blows my mind. I do not know how to put this any more seriously, our entire relationship (in four years I thought I knew him) he always made it a point to say the qualities of a person (woman) that he could never stand for...and she is this person 100%%%%. It really still makes me feel a certain type of way. How does one go from one extreme to the other? Maybe I was actually the person that he hated all along...it sure seems that way. Wish he gave me a heads up on that.

I have never seen nor heard of this in real life, until now.
rsk is offline  
Old 11-03-2012, 03:21 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
hope213's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i can feel your pain. you are also probley feeling used. let him go. you have a choice to be happy or sad. he is not worth this..give it up. i do not really know your story but he can not b worth this. feel sorry for the girl, be glad it is not you anymore. not long ago some one told me "the grass is not greener or the other side & if it is it is because of all the bull sh*t."
hope213 is offline  
Old 11-03-2012, 03:35 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
rsk
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
you are right, I do have a choice...
rsk is offline  
Old 11-03-2012, 09:44 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
crazybabie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
I do have one question, has anyone ever witnessed someone change so drastically...it blows my mind. I do not know how to put this any more seriously, our entire relationship (in four years I thought I knew him) he always made it a point to say the qualities of a person (woman) that he could never stand for...and she is this person 100%%%%. It really still makes me feel a certain type of way. How does one go from one extreme to the other? Maybe I was actually the person that he hated all along...it sure seems that way. Wish he gave me a heads up on that.

I have never seen nor heard of this in real life, until now.

It is called addiction it is NOT personal yes I know sometimes it sure feels that way. Hugs
crazybabie is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 01:52 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
rsk

my last serious relationship hurt me enormously when it ended, and i worked along side this guy so i got to see him everyday. we tried to remain friends, and i so desperately wanted him back in my life, or to be part of my life. (it really was pathetic to be perfectly honest) and my boundaries were dropped like hot potatoes just so i could be close to him. all in all for about 9 months after we broke up we were on again off again, and all on his terms. in the end i cut all ties (as best i could) and only spoke to him at work for work reasons. within a few months he had someone else, moved in a few months after that, and married within a year (even though he told me never wanted to do these things again). all very hurtful. but honestly, cut all ties with your guy rsk. what you are doing is just trying to stay connected and torture yourself with why you arent good enough. at the end of the day, you are the lucky one to not have him in your life. (i know i definitely am better off and i hope my last bf is happy with his wife...truth be known we i do wish that he was miserable...lol...but i dont really care either way). but let go. you cant move forward while you are dragging a dead body behind you.
Jody675 is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 02:12 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: fla
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by broken101 View Post
Rsk, I believe that he will try to fill his void with anyone that will give him the time of day, but I also believe that the day will come when he will realize just how good he had it with you and he will never be able to find true love like he had with you and hopefully for you, you will have moved on and it will be too late for him.
i love that and i am hoping for the same i unfortunately am allowing my xabf to use me fpt sex as do i him so i have been venting all day because i am often time fooling myself yhat he will see i am for him i am trust worthy...career driven but thats me and what i would wnt i can speak for him so my heart thoughts and prayers go out to u and may our god ofbour undstanding lay out a clear path that may free us from such an emotional prison.
ilovehim1104 is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 03:04 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
iilovehime1104 hes basically using you to get over you, and i bet you feel like sh*t for letting him. he will never see that you are the one when you give him all the power to treat you like ever he wants with no recourse. actually the new game is how bad he can treat you and without recourse. its such a power game and it hurts. the longer you let him do this, the worse you feel, and the more you will try and get close to him to try and feel connected. let him go. any guy that lets you do this is not worth it. they dont respect you. if they did they would let you down gently and cut all ties if you continued to push to be close. time to concentrate more on finding happiness within yourself, than counting on someone else to give it to you.
Jody675 is offline  
Old 11-04-2012, 06:08 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
There is NO WAY he would be so in love with this new person after that short of a period of time and have it be true, healthy love. It sounds like infatuation to me and what everyone else said is true. My ex is already out there on dating sites. If this were a year ago during one of our break ups, I would have been devastated. Now, I just think God help the woman who finds her way into his life next! I feel sorry for her. He was still using drugs as of three months ago, is in debt and is emotionally unstable. Remember why you didn't want him in your life. This new woman will hopefully figure him out sooner than later. For me personally, if a guy proposed to me that soon into a relationship, I would think he was nutso :-)
madisonblake is offline  
Old 11-05-2012, 05:08 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
oooopps's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
rsk, I am going to share an email that a very good girl friend of mine wrote to me when I needed some wisdom. It is one of my treasured emails because it reminded me to be clear-headed when I really needed it. This email helped me so much... I think it may help you as well. Besides removing my real name on the email... the rest is left unchanged.

Hi ____,
Sorry it took so long to get back to you.

My first reaction is to say "to hell with him." The odds point to him not having changed one bit. If he is still calling you and saying nice things to you, but then has a girlfriend, then this would indicate that his behavior is the same old behavior that it has always been. I would imagine that his new girlfriend would not approve.

I would also remember that being in a relationship does not equal happiness. There are many people who jump from relationship to relationship, in an attempt to fill some void in their life. It does not create happiness, but causes misery. It is often a kind of addiction in itself. I vaguely recall something about how addicts should not be embarking on new relationships early in their sobriety, as this jeopardizes sobriety. My guess is that this woman is in for the same hell ride you had, and that sucks for her.

Let us assume for a minute, though, that he has changed, or that this new woman is giving him the stability he needs to change. In which case, he has taken a lesson from you and turned over a new leaf. If that were the case (I doubt it is), then the compassionate approach would be to be happy that he has made the changes you wished he would make.

Either way, it makes no difference. You are focusing on the wrong thing. It is not that you could not give him what he needed to be happy. Addicts are, by definition, miserable. He was an addict before you, and was one after you. His inability to change, or to seek real happiness, had nothing to do with any shortcoming on your part.
What you should remember was what you had to go through. HE made your life miserable for three years, and that was very much because of shortcomings on HIS PART. You could not change him. That is not your fault. You are now out of the relationship. You have moved forward. The best case scenario is that he finally learned and will do better in the future. I doubt it. BEsides, even if he has completely changed, you could not function in that relationship, because of the past.
The best thing to do right now (I know this is hard) is to avoid all contact and not look at facebook. Even after months apart, he still has the power to jeopardize your future. That, in itself, should let you know why it is a blessing that you are out of that relationship; why that relationship would never have worked; and why, no matter what he is doing in his life now, he cannot be a part of your life in any way.

That's my two cents. Hope it helps. Keep strong, and move forward.
oooopps is offline  
Old 11-05-2012, 05:13 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
oooopps's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
She now has his name tattooed enormously on her body and he will be apparently be getting her name as well.
btw, Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner also have each other's name tattooed on their bodies... they broke up and she is now engaged to Nickleback's lead singer. Tattoo dont keep people together ... it's only a sad reminder of a stupid decision to get someone's name permanently inked on you. I would not envy the fact that they're getting each other's name tattooed on them.

Here's the link so you can see the actual stupid decision:

Avril Lavigne, Brody Jenner Tattoo Their Names On Each Other - Music, Celebrity, Artist News | MTV.com
oooopps is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:36 AM.