control

Old 11-02-2012, 01:41 PM
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control

Hi all, my first post.

Two months ago I filed for protective custody of our 2 and 3.5 year old children. Also filed for divorce to lock down the assets.

AW still in denial.

Her lawyer made her get an intoxilizer and sign up for rehab the day before our first court hearing. The judge ordered those as well as for her not to drink.

Judge initially gave her unsupervised possession on Thursdays and alternate weekends. The kids stayed in the house and I moved out on those weekends and she moved in. She was a stay at home mom and the kids have been in daycare since. She got a great job during that time.

At the status hearing 45 days later, I had evidence of her continued drinking, she perjured herself in court, lied to her attorney and then turned on him saying that he didn't tell her she wasn't supposed to drink AT ALL. He had to withdraw as her attorney on the spot.

She signed away all her unsupervised visitation/possession instead of having all the evidence heard in open court.

She is still in denial.

She has not asked about the kids, nor asked how to set up the supervised visitation she is entitled to.

I've been attending al-anon meetings but I'm losing the peace I found when I "won" the kids' safety.

I have anxiety about when/if she will begin her recovery. I want to push her closer to her bottom to ensure it happens. I know I must not.

I don't want a divorce. I know that one day I may need one.

I constantly think about her, about not being able to manage the children on my own. About what she is doing. About wanting to tell her I've started my recovery and that I'll be ready for her when she starts hers. About our future first night together when we are both in recovery.

I no longer feel anger for her past behavior, even the most recent and hurtful events. I chalk them up to alcoholism. I believe she didn't drink during pregnancy and I miss that person. I believe she still loves me and there is hope for our family.

I know I need to begin my own 12 steps and recently got a sponsor. I know I cannot force her, and I'm yearning to know how I can at least 'support' her during this denial phase, and the coming phases. I fear the answer is to keep increasing the level of distance and detachment until peace comes.

I wonder what involvement is out of bounds? I want to tell her I love her, that she knows what she must do and that I will be there when she's gone through her path and is ready for my support and forgiveness. I fear she does not yet know that her own forgiveness is necessary and that getting mine will be no effort at all.

I want to tell my parents not to leave. They've been helping immensely with the children. Would they leave if my arm or leg was broken? What about my brain? They fly out tomorrow.

I know roughly what this path to recovery for myself looks like. I am in deep withdrawal from my past codie behaviors, the obsessing over her drinking, the fantasy of being able to help, the deep desire for control. I know to do the 'next right thing' when faced with indecision. I feel I lack the ability to execute.

I don't want to be a living martyr. I'm not selfless. I am hugely selfish. I am finding it difficult to define my children as my higher power. They remind me of the fantasy of our happy life. I worked, she was their mother. I didn't fight to take the kids from her to protect them, I did it to protect my own self identity. The identity that was eroding rapidly while living with her alcoholism. The identity of a man who knew this could not go on for himself and his family. My life became unmanageable. Between the nanny cam, snooping in her purse, and talking to her for 2 hours to admit to hiding her drinking, I was destroying myself.

I watched from afar as her downward spiral intensified when she was kicked out of the house. Within walking distance of bars/restaurants. With men picking her up to take her out to drink, and worse. I survived it all with ongoing love for her and for who she one day might yet be. With forgiveness and understanding as I learned more about her disease.

I chose texassuccess as my login name because I know I will succeed, I must, there is no other option. The paths are clear, the actions clear, the outcomes not, and that is fine. The issue is the anxiety accompanying the path. The anxiety of breaking down crying infront of my kids. I want my AW's comfort. I know she doesn't have it to give right now.

I want all of my new al-anon friends to move in to my house, to share their stories 24/7, stories and experiences which always help me. I feel I need to start going every day instead of every week.

It has been only a week since I've admitted that I'm an addict too. I fear the lack of immediate control over my anxiety emotions. I was always able to 'do something' about my anxieties. (well except when it came to the AW)

I feel so much better after writing this.

Thank you.
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Old 11-02-2012, 03:25 PM
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Welcome Texassucess!

I am glad you found us here...but sorry for the reason that brought you here.

I am about two years out from seperating from my A and I struggled with a lot of worry for him after we split up. I realized later I was grieving and had to work through all those pieces. Worry for me was a part of the denial of the reality that I had been living in for some time. I thought my life would just be perfect if my loved one would stop drinking.

I also felt better when I realized I did not have to make ALL of my decisions for the rest of my life in the next five minutes. It was amazing when I decided to not decide how much more was revealed when it needed to be.

Hugs to you and your kids, and again, welcome.
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Old 11-02-2012, 03:29 PM
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Oh Texassuccess, I hear your pain, your heart-felt pain. This is such a wrenching, devastating situation to be in. Not only do you see your beloved wife unraveling in front of you, now you must learn to be mother as well as father to two very small children. And pick up all the tasks that your wife use to do as well.

You are learning, making such good progress on understanding how you have been co-dependent and what you need to do. You show great insight in what you've written.

I think it is often true that the mind grasps the situation long before the heart does. So believe what you know to be true about what you need to do, and let yourself feel everything you feel without changing your path.

Do you have a support system where you live? There must be many community resources available if you can find out an umbrella organization to call to get you linked up. There are many practical aspects of your situation to cope with, and the more you can cobble together the resources you need, the better off you'll be.

Many of us find that there is really a higher power out there, so even if you don't believe in it, open yourself to the light around us, and ask for help, and more may come than you expect. Churches often have support systems that can help, even if you aren't a church-goer or believer. Perhaps you could locate some "pseudo-grandparents" whose grandchildren aren't close by, and would enjoy your kids.

Many more people will be around to respond to you post. Keep coming back, this is a safe and caring place to express all that you are feeling, and get a profound level of support.

ShootingStar1
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Old 11-02-2012, 06:55 PM
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I really lost it today. She's out partying.

I went and talked to the neighbor she's staying with while she was out. This neighbor thinks if I "man up" and "organize family events" with my wife and kids that my wife will have a reason not to drink.

The concept feeds my need for control. It's like the sound of a beer opening to borrow a phrase. I can have a part to play in my wife's recovery! If only!

I fear it to be a pipe dream. A false hope. A potentially dangerous hope. It would risk my own recovery, however small it is so far.

What is a healthy amount of contact between her and I? What is a healthy amount of contact between her and the kids? What is a healthy amount of contact with all of us together?

This neighbor suggested I take us all out on a picnic.

I fear that she would say hurtful and alcoholic fueled things. Blame me and I would just have to sit there and take it.

I don't feel strong enough, yet.

I don't know enough yet to defend against these ideas. They feel wrong, but I can't rationalize why yet.
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Old 11-02-2012, 06:55 PM
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Hi, welcome.

You are doing amazing work.

All of these feelings are real and they will also morph.

One day , one moment, at a time. You sound very strong, maybe you don't see it, but you are.

So glad you found the forum, looking forward to hearing more from you.

Katie
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Old 11-02-2012, 06:59 PM
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I don't feel strong enough, yet.

I don't know when , what I do know is you said you aren't strong enough yet, so not now.

That is simple, this is all about pacing yourself, if you feel afraid, if you feel you will attacked, then do not engage.

Probaly as little contact as possible, if you can manage it, none, she is not seeing the kids, so why do you have to have contact.

You are the priority, you and your children, she gave up seeing her children, she is deep in her disease, only she can find her way out, let her fall.

I know your neighbor is trying to help, you neighbor has not been in the sites of an alcoholic, your neighbor does not get it.
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Old 11-02-2012, 07:23 PM
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I agree with KatieKate - - your neighbor may be well intentioned, but dealing with such deep addiction as your wife is showing is not like pulling a wayward teenager back into the fold by tempting them with fun family activities. That would be like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound.

You don't have to go there. The folks at Alanon and here do understand what you're going through, and we have your back.

I think KatieKate is right - all you can do is continue to do what you're doing and incubate your recovery as much as you can. As hard as it is, you are on the best path toward health for you and your children and that's what you've got to focus on, despite all the loss you feel from your AW's choices.

Come back here as often as you want,

ShootingStar1
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Old 11-06-2012, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by texassuccess View Post


The issue is the anxiety accompanying the path. The anxiety of breaking down crying infront of my kids.
I understand the anxiety you are feeling.

I would like to share advice that my friend (a trained social worker) offered to me when I was trying to be the strong parent at all costs.

She reminded me it was okay to let my children hear and see my crying. It's okay to let my children know that adults hurt too. It's okay to let them know we have feelings and sometimes we are moved to tears.

Sending you encouragement and support as you continue your recovery journey!
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Old 11-07-2012, 08:44 AM
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i am sorry sorry...i can feel your pain in this post please do ask your parents sit them down and explain to them what you had just explained here. mental trauma is the same as physical sometimes it can even be worse. you should reach out here, al anon and to family and friends for support. it is very hard being away from your significant other with small children...i know this truth as well but you have support from everyone here and as you stated at al anon. tell us and them what you are feeling, be open and honest. praying for you -
sincerely another texas spouse in mental distress.
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Old 11-07-2012, 04:47 PM
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They feel wrong, but I can't rationalize why yet.

Seems to me like that is your gut telling you something. I have usually found after the fact that when I listened to that feeling it protected me.

My heart goes out to you. I have my own painful story and I have gotten where I am with no help (I have no family to help me). It can be done. Sometimes it seems like too high a mountain to climb, but by taking even baby steps forward, somehow you can make it through it all. I hope that you can keep doing what is safe for you and your kids and know that we here at SR are here for you. SR has been a life saver for me. Hang in there.
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Old 11-07-2012, 06:00 PM
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"control" is a good thread title, because you obviously know you really have none over this disease. You know the ideas that pop into your head about "things" you could do to help her is your own magical thinking. You are seeking help, both for you and with your kids. You are doing all the right things. But, not feeling it yet. I remember those days. It gets easier over time.

It's hard to admit we have no control over the destruction of our family. We helped build it - we have a say in its demise, right? With addictions, we don't have a say, except where it comes to our own choices. You are choosing to remain on the healthy path, being a father, running a home, working to pay for it all, etc. You will fed, clothe, bath, educate, inspire, teach those kids all by yourself (it isn't as bad as it seems on the outset!). For now, your wife has chosen a different path. Acceptance of her right to do that is key, regardless of whether or not you understand it. It is her choice, after all.

Try to stay focused on today. Enjoy the little moments of happiness (they are happening; its just hard to see when we are eyeball deep in our own pain). Don't think too much about the future, the what-ifs, or questioning your choices that have already been made. Yesterday is gone. Keep your eyes focused on the here and now - and deal with things one at a time. Rely on the kindness of people around you. Let others help. Ask for help.

Be proud of yourself for how far you have come already. You did the "man" thing perfectly - removed your kids from a potentially harmful situation. Feel pride in that. That's what real men and women do. You are behaving selflessly toward your children with those actions. Embrace that.

Keep coming back,
~T
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