So.. What now.

Old 11-02-2012, 08:44 AM
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So.. What now.

So, I received a phone call two days ago from my boyfriend of 5 years, who is only 20 years old, that he was in the hospital, and going through withdrawal. He then proceeded to tell me he'd been addicted to heroin for the past 6 months. I am still in shock and not quite sure if I even have accepted it yet, but I haven't heard from him since, and his parents have me a call today to update me, let me know that he was in rehab type place and will be there for at least a week, and I don't know what to do. I had no idea and for that I feel so stupid, and going through my mind is just time after time how could I not see it? I'm confused and hurt and in all honesty just completely out of it and not sure how to handle it. I don't know if the past 6 months has been real or what. I never even thought I'd be on a website like this, but as he's getting help, I need help too. Where am I supposed to go from here? Am I supposed to be that amazing supportive girlfriend? I don't even know if I can handle it. I've been lied straight to my face everyday for 6 months. So.. What's next.
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Old 11-02-2012, 09:16 AM
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Welcome to SR. You have no idea how much you can learn here and how much strength you can get from everyone on this site. My advice - READ a lot. You WILL find a story similar to yours. You are NOT alone.

As for your question...What's next is whatever YOU choose. No one can make that decision for you. And everyone on this site has repeatedly gone against the advice they've received and their instincts so don't get discouraged if anything and everything you think, do or try backfires. It happens. I read somewhere that the difference between your head and your heart us that your head tells you the right thing to do and your heart tells you what you are going to do anyway.

But, as for what's next? YOU are what's next. Take care of yourself and what you need beyond anything or anyone else. You have NO control over what is going on with your boyfriend. If he is an addict, YOU can't change it. YOU can't love him clean. YOU can't make his choices for him and you can't convince him of anything. He can't love you enough to give him a reason to clean up. He has to make that choice in his own time on his own terms. And don't believe the threats and the blame that may come. It is NOT your fault.

I'm not saying don't continue to love him or be supportive of his efforts at recovery. But make sure YOU come first. Trust me, you can lose yourself so quickly in a situation like this.

Good luck, hugs and prayers to you.
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Old 11-02-2012, 09:54 AM
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You came to the right place. I'm sorry you are going through this. Definitely read, here and elsewhere. Cynical One's blogs are excellent. Melody Beattie's books, among others. Maybe a support group - Nar Anon or the like.

You are not stupid. Please don't bash yourself for believing in someone you love or for not seeing something that you never expected. I KNEW my husband was a recovering alcoholic and I didn't pick up on things as he worked his way to relapse. It happens. I feel for you, the dishonesty is hard to take. As mfox said - take care of yourself above all else. Keep coming here - the support and understanding is here for the taking.
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Old 11-02-2012, 10:24 AM
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It sounds like you are willing to do some soul searching and some personal recovery which is AWESOME! It's a good starting point - a much better starting point than "how do I stop my boyfriend from using again"? (The answer to that question is you can't.)

I strongly recommend melodie beattie's book " codependent no more" and also nar-anon or al-anon. Work the recovery you wish your boyfriend would work. And then, no matter what he chooses, or what happens to your relationship, you have grown and become a stronger, more fulfilled and self-sufficient person.
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Old 11-02-2012, 02:34 PM
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I would also read cynical one's blogs, access at the top of this page. You are so young, do you really want to waste your life with an addict? He will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and sober, working a strong recovery program or not. Less than 10% remain clean for life, not good odds.
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Old 11-04-2012, 02:01 AM
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Wow these threads are harsh on addicts.

Maybe this man will sort himself out n get clean n she wont be wasting her life on an addict. Maybe some ppl who say things like this may need to work on their issues?

I agree with Hello kitty read codependency no more n try to take care of you.
Only YOU can decide if you are willing to stay with him but have your boundaries to protect you xxx
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Old 11-04-2012, 11:16 AM
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This may sound..... harsh..... but if I were you I'd RUN.

No kids? No communal property? RUN.

This comes from 14 years experience dealing with my "issue" (heroin addict sister).

My family and I are stuck with her and I can't ever imagine, knowing what I know, willingly signing up for what she has put us through.

Please get yourself checked for HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis even if he says he wasn't using needles/only clean ones. An addict is first and foremost a liar.

Sorry if I sound like a jerk. Please be as selfish as you can and take this time to work on you. He will need to put all of his effort into recovery and needs the space himself.
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Old 11-04-2012, 11:30 AM
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"Maybe this man will sort himself out n get clean n she wont be wasting her life on an addict. Maybe some ppl who say things like this may need to work on their issues? "

Maybe...but the odds are not in her favor. Maybe some of us here have some experience in the world of codependency, enabling and addiction, me, I've been working on my issues for 65 years, addiction has eaten up my family and almost destroyed me.
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Old 11-04-2012, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
"Maybe this man will sort himself out n get clean n she wont be wasting her life on an addict. Maybe some ppl who say things like this may need to work on their issues? "

Maybe...but the odds are not in her favor. Maybe some of us here have some experience in the world of codependency, enabling and addiction, me, I've been working on my issues for 65 years, addiction has eaten up my family and almost destroyed me.
================================================== =======
10% are lousy odds.I have researched it high and low,
but it ALWAYS seems to get back to 10%

(unless someone is trying to sell you a $70K rehab!)

70% made it out of the WTC towers on 9/11.The
unfortunate people above the impact on tower 1
were not so lucky.....God bless their souls.

Odds matter.

65 years,dollydo?

I pay homage to your wisdom.
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Old 11-04-2012, 01:20 PM
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Kc636 sorry to hear about your situation. must be a bit of a blow from no where. at least you found the right site to help you decide what you want to do for you and if you decide to stay, you will have a lot of information from some very wise people. you will always get conflicting advise, but the important part is just work out what is best for you. let him have his recovery and you go and work on you. you do sound like a very mature 20yr old so hopefully you wont be dragged into the depths of addiction (even if you are not the addict this world will be your hell too without the Highs). read, listen, and get an idea of what could lay ahead if you are going to stay. look at the stats for recovery. look at the stats of what percentage of kids of addicts become addicts. research research research to find out what lays ahead. and ask yourself do you want this life for you and your kids (if or when you have them) at the very least you will be completely prepared for whatever lays ahead and not going in with your eyes closed. information is power to make good choices.

i wish you all the best and am sorry for the reason you found this site. now please go to the dr and get some tests done.
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Old 11-04-2012, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Kc636 View Post
So, I received a phone call two days ago from my boyfriend of 5 years, who is only 20 years old, that he was in the hospital, and going through withdrawal. He then proceeded to tell me he'd been addicted to heroin for the past 6 months. I am still in shock and not quite sure if I even have accepted it yet, but I haven't heard from him since, and his parents have me a call today to update me, let me know that he was in rehab type place and will be there for at least a week, and I don't know what to do. I had no idea and for that I feel so stupid, and going through my mind is just time after time how could I not see it? I'm confused and hurt and in all honesty just completely out of it and not sure how to handle it. I don't know if the past 6 months has been real or what. I never even thought I'd be on a website like this, but as he's getting help, I need help too. Where am I supposed to go from here? Am I supposed to be that amazing supportive girlfriend? I don't even know if I can handle it. I've been lied straight to my face everyday for 6 months. So.. What's next.
You're not stupid. A lot of ppl are unaware because addicts are secretive in order to keep their addiction alive. They don't want ppl find out n putting a stop to it or watching their every move. There is no guarantee he will 'get the help' this time. He may just be saying this as we dont know why he is in the hospital. For instance, if he ODd he may be telling you what you want to hear. If he IS really sorting him self out then you both need to do some serious talking - working through the issues like how you ferl about him lying to you.
Look melanie beaties codendencey no more n any other books / stuff inline concerning enabling etc.
Get some clear boundaries n stick to them - get as much support as you can because whether you stay or go you'll need it.
Take sime time for you n remember you matter n think about what you want from your life.

We are here for you so please kerp posting good or bad n know that we care very much about you xxxx

Dolly. Sorry if i was offensive earlier.
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Old 11-04-2012, 02:58 PM
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Kc636....my best advice to you is to educate yourself on addiction. Read about this disease and research the odds of a successful recovery for yourself. You are the only one who can decide what is best for you, but be real about the ride you are in for. Read the stories from the wives and girlfriends of addicts on this site. When I do, I thank God for giving me a loving, wonderful husband. My brother is the addict in my life. That makes it somewhat easier for me to walk away if I have to. Understand that there is a chance that your path might lead you to the same position that many of these women are in today. You are so young. Don't make this decision lightly.
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Old 01-04-2013, 10:36 AM
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thank you all for your words of wisdom and support and forewarning. its a few months in, and its been one hell of a ride. he came back home and we had a serious discussion, and i chose to stay. unfortunately our relationship just seemed to crumble. he'd been acting sketchy and going out until 4 in the morning, but gave the excuse that he was with his sponsor and was going to nar-anon meetings. as of this morning, its come to light that he was only clean for 3 weeks, before relapsing with heroine, and moving on to use cocaine and pills. on top of that he was selling them as well. it feels like lie after lie, i know i should have left, and i did... for about 30 minutes.. and i came wallowing back. i dont know if its true love or obsession that makes me want to be there.. but ive started to see a therapist and after letting his parents know about the situation, he is more than likely going to be sent away to rehab for awhile. i will use that time to work on myself.. and whether he comes back in a few months or a year, ill leave what happens with our relationship to that time. thank you for being so supportive during the hands down, most difficult point in my life
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Old 01-04-2013, 10:47 AM
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I am glad your doing something to work on taking care of you.
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