Loughborough

For some reason last night I started thinking about a relationship I had years ago--back in the early 80's. The relationship lasted about 4 years. For part of the last year, I lived with the guy. He was working and had a car, and I can't remember why, but for some reason, when we were living together (winter time in upstate NY, I walked 1 mile (each way, so 2 miles total) to the bus stop each day to ride the bus to work so he could drive MY car to work. I actually enjoyed riding the bus (we lived in a rural area and I worked in the city about 25 miles away), and I didn't mind the walk either, though some mornings I remember thinking it would have been great to DRIVE to the bus stop).

Well forward to now, close to 30 years later, I started thinking WHY did I LET HIM use my car to get himself to work (he easily could have walked to work himself, he worked 2 miles at most from our apartment). WHY did I not even ask him to at least drive me to the bus stop if he was going to use MY car? (Or actually if he was any kind of "man," why didn't he say to me, "You are letting me use your car so why don't I drive you to the bus stop so you don't have to walk?" He was always still sleeping when I left--I now feel a "real man" would have woken up and taken me to the bus stop or even said, no you take your car, I will walk to work/get a ride, etc.

At the time I just thought I was being kind and caring and that this is what you do for people you love and want to help. I now know (or think I know) that yes, this is what you do for people you love, BUT they should do it for you too and make sacrifices on their part also. Love and caring should NOT be a one-way street.

So, I think this says I was co-dependent way back when. Has anyone else had any revelations like this about their past?

Florence

God, yes. And they keep on coming. My therapist said that the work we were doing would cause some small shifts in my perception, and that it would suddenly make things SO much clearer. Big things, small things, new things, old things, all things. It's kind of overwhelming. That's what I've been reeling with and struggling with these last few weeks.

Just the other day I realized, for example, that before we got married, my AH probably cheated on me with one of his coworkers. At the time I thought he and this girl had an inappropriate relationship, and one that went on for far, far too long. In all likelihood, he cheated on me. In hindsight it's so obvious. I fought for him, and lord, did I win a bag of tricks or what.

I also realized that several of my past boyfriends probably had some drugs and/or cheating stuff going on. Lots of secrecy and division of their life with me and their lives everywhere else. Closed doors, strange disappearances. I don't know why I accepted this stuff in my relationships. I was so naive, I believed what people told me because why would they lie to me? I was happy to accommodate.

I also see major ways that my parents failed as parents. This is the biggest struggle. My sister even apologized to me twenty years later because my parents demonized me as a teenager to the rest of the family, cutting off support to me after I was sexually assaulted, and not telling anyone what had actually happened so they could approach or support me. I see clearly how my mom makes everything about her -- I got raped at her, I got pregnant at her, and now I'm getting divorced at her -- and I resent that I still rely on her for so much when it comes to my kids while she's going on and on about what a good heart my AH has and why did I kick him out and how will I do it? Thanks for the support, ma! In the past I blamed myself. I still have that tiny voice inside that they are this way to me because I'm actually just unlovable. Historically I took that voice at face-value, but now I'm starting to realize and accept that this mean little voice is the voice that keeps me codependent.

These were all things I kind of knew somewhere deep down, but I couldn't put words to them.

Tuffgirl

I think the bolded sentence above says it all - want to "help". What makes us (mostly women, but some guys out there, too) want to "help" others? This was my revelation...somehow I had not given myself permission to be taken care of, to have expectations, to believe that it is a two-way street. Somehow, I had decided I had to give up my own stuff (emotional or physical stuff) to be in an intimate relationship. And then I would eventually realize the complete unfairness of it all and be mad about it.

But I also realize now that I made those decisions, and I let myself become that person. The men I was involved with just simply took advantage (and I believe in most cases, it was unintentional advantage) of how "nice" I was. Oh that Tuffgirl - she's so nice.

I wonder if my being "nice" was some way to control the relationship - to guilt someone into staying with me - out of a fear of abandonment. It's been interesting to hear how many people on this forum stay in lousy and unfulfilling relationships because the other person is being "nice", and I see I might have done the same kinds of things myself.

ODAT63

Just the topic I have been struggling with today!! I have been numb about my relationship with my fiance specially the last couple of weeks, overall he is a nice "normal" guy, however I was not feeling the same about us, kind of distance, then I became aware of one BIG character defect I have and that is RESENMENT!!
My fiance had two minor surgeries this year and I took time off work to be at the hospital and then take care of him at home, I spent the night at his house just to be sure he will be okay, then I had to drive 20 extra minutes to work because his home is in another town. I did not mind, I thought he will do the same for me if I ever need it.
Well 2 weeks ago I was very ill with a severe infection, I had high fever and had to stay home, I live with my son (who plays video game all the time), anyway, so my fiancee called me Thursday (at work and they told him I called in sick), he asked me if I needed anything, of course I said no!, I had my son get me some sprite and juice, however my fiancee did showed up about 9PM then he left about 10:30PM. Friday he called me to see how I was doing, I told him my fever was still over 103 and all night I was very sick, he goes to work and tells me he is going to lunch with his friend but will stop by later and bring me some soup! (he is his own boss so no way he couldn't take the day off), he did show up around 5:30pm then he went home around 9:30pm, Saturday he showed up around 9:00Am and asked me if I was feeling any better, I had a horrible night, I thought I was going to die! , finally we went to see the DR. and then I found out I had an infection and not the flu! Anyhow, it has been 3 weeks and finally I figure it out that I resent him for not taking the time off and staying with me all night just like I did for him. Yesterday he took the day off to go 4 wheeling with his friends!.
I feel like ending the relationship...I don't need another selfish axx to think I am not a priority..am I being to harsh ..should I let it go!!

LifeRecovery

I have been living with my codependency since I was a small child. I am the proud owner of "The most helpful" award in high school.

I have struggled with codependency issues in relationships with siblings, friends, intimate relationships etc.

I look at my qualifier as my rock bottom from my codependency and a chance to modify my behaviors in all of my relationships. Especially the one with myself.

I struggle to have fun, to think I am important, to put value on me. It has been a great learning experience.

lillamy

Yeah. That.
My mother was very ill in my early years. I learned that putting Mom's needs first earned me a "You're Such A Good Girl" from anyone and everyone. I don't think anyone meant any harm, it was a very loving family; I just learned that lesson really well, that when I denied my own needs and put someone else's first, I was worthy of praise.

I would say most of my relationships were colored by that. I had one short relationship with a solid, balanced, mentally healthy man who didn't need me desperately, and I was uncomfortable with how he paid attention to my needs. Probably (hindsight 20-20) because it robbed me of my opportunity to be Such A Good Girl.

Sueski

No awards, but I'm sure I could be a contender. This is a pattern in nearly all my romantic relationships, many family relationships, and many friendships. It's a lifestyle! And it's really hard to stop because it IS so socially sanctioned to be helpful. It's one of those characteristics that's great if not taken too far. And don't we always take it too far??

I can have fun and all of that, but if you have a problem so do I. I'm working on that whole boundary thing, though!

WishingWell

Codependency, for most people, didn't suddenly pop up because they are living with an addict. Codependency attracts people who are needy and damaged (at the time) because the model of codependency is to fix people. We can't fix a healthier person - so there is less attraction. In the past, when I've met someone who is really struggling, an unconscious switch would flip on and my mind would say - "Here's my job. Go to it. Fix." Felt good to be doing my "job". Until . . . we drain ourselves down to nothing. We have the option of getting healthy and learning to be sober from the addiction of living everyone else's life.

My codependent behavior has nothing to do with someone else's addiction. It begins and ends inside of me. The great news is - we can heal from this and find healthy freedom!!!

Florence

I also recognize a relationship in my early twenties where I was the emotionally unavailable one. In hindsight I'm really ashamed at how I behaved in our relationship. It wasn't even that I tried to be cruel, but I was, and I took advantage of him, and I'm sorry for it.

Thlayli

If you didn't specifically ask for him to be there I think it's possible that you are being too harsh. It's nice sometimes when people go out of their way for us but some people just don't think about things the same way. He may not have realized that you needed as much help as you did. He may have assumed that you would rather be alone to rest.

I have a bad habit of expecting people to read my mind and know what I want. If they don't do what's expected it can lead to resentment. I find it's so much easier to say "I'd like it if you'd spend more time with me today" or "think is what I'd like to do for my birthday" or whatever. I love when people are upfront with me like that too.

Codependency didn't just pop up for me but I did only recognise it in myself about a year ago. Mine recognition of it came because of my relationship with an A but, as I look back, my parents are both very codependant as well...as is my sister...and my grandmother...and there is no family hx of addiction that I can see.

Loughborough

Wow, such great responses. I am glad I posted this earlier.

Florence, for some reason the "God, yes," made me chuckle.

Thank you everyone.

ShootingStar1

"Well forward to now, close to 30 years later, I started thinking WHY did I LET HIM use my car to get himself to work (he easily could have walked to work himself, he worked 2 miles at most from our apartment). WHY did I not even ask him to at least drive me to the bus stop if he was going to use MY car? (Or actually if he was any kind of "man," why didn't he say to me, "You are letting me use your car so why don't I drive you to the bus stop so you don't have to walk?"

I haven't thought about this for 30 years, myself. I did the exact same thing with my first husband. We lived in a rural area, and he took the good car, and away he drove. I either walked on the edge of a busy road in the woods a long way in the snow, worrying about getting hit. Or sometimes I got his old broken down VW bug that had holes in the floorboards where the puddles splashed on my shoes, and windshield wipers that didn't work so I would have to stick my hand out the window while I was driving and brush off the snow....

What the devil was wrong with me?

And I just realized that my current STBXAH got me to do HIS work from the very beginning. He had been recently widowed when I met him, and he just couldn't "bear" to clean his wife's stuff out of his house, so I did it all. It was a very big house. And I think she was a little nuts because I found a whole refrigerator full of blocks of cheese. And bottles of vodka hidden way back in cabinets.

And I thought this was okay. Just didn't get that he was using me and not taking care of his own business. And that's always been the pattern. When there was work to do, AH would "disappear" into his office with "critical work" that had to be done NOW while my son, daughter and I did all the work.

So who is it who was nuts?

This is quite a revealing thread, Loughborough, thanks for starting it.

ShootingStar1