Understanding the addict and my role
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 9
Understanding the addict and my role
Why are the alcoholics/addicts so selfish, and deceiving? And irresponsible? I don't get to be and nor would I want to be. I am having a hard time "feeling sympathy for them" .
I choose him as a partner so therefore I am a codependent and enabled? To trust again seems non- existent.
I choose him as a partner so therefore I am a codependent and enabled? To trust again seems non- existent.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
We forget how to live without lying.
We are ashamed of our drinking, of our using and we don't want anyone else to know. We say it's because we don't want to hurt them and that's part of it maybe, but really we lie so we can keep drinking and keep using. We lie so we don't have to admit to ourselves that we have a problem. We're selfish becuase when addiction takes hold we can't think about anyone else but ourselves.
I hate who alcohol has made me become. It has turned me into a person who is no better then the guy I fell in love with whose an addict. And coming to terms with that is so difficult.
I've lied so much I don't know how to tell the truth. I don't even know if I know what life is without the lies anymore.
I got so sick of what it was doing to me that I quit 35 days ago. But in the end it's still a selfish decision. It'll just end up benefiting others. But I never could have quit until I made the decision too. I couldn't have done it for anyone else.
We're irresponsible because life become unmanageable when the drugs or drinking take over. That is the direct result of why we can't hold down a job or start failing out of school or lose friends but we lie to ourselves and try and blame other people, the whole "Poor me act, the world is out to get me" but really we don't even realize how much damage we are doing to ourselves.
If we can't even realize what we're doing to ourselves it's pretty difficult to realize what we're doing to other people.
I don't think you chose who he is today as a partner. Who he is today is only a fraction of who he once was, the drugs/drinking have taken the rest from you.
You can choose not to be codependent, to recover in your own way. Codependency is addiction too, in a different way but it still had a recoery process.
You don't have to live like this, don't have to stay on this rollar coaster ride. You don't have any obligations to anyone but yourself. You especially don't have an obligation to someone whose going to use you, manipulate you and lie to you.
Sometimes that just enables an addict more, you need to focus on the things you can control, your attitudes, your life, your actions. Have you been going to your own meetings, talking to others in your situation? Keep reading and keep posting here, it's a great help.
Don't feel like you're obligated to be a certain way or feel a certain way, your emotions are yours and yours only
We are ashamed of our drinking, of our using and we don't want anyone else to know. We say it's because we don't want to hurt them and that's part of it maybe, but really we lie so we can keep drinking and keep using. We lie so we don't have to admit to ourselves that we have a problem. We're selfish becuase when addiction takes hold we can't think about anyone else but ourselves.
I hate who alcohol has made me become. It has turned me into a person who is no better then the guy I fell in love with whose an addict. And coming to terms with that is so difficult.
I've lied so much I don't know how to tell the truth. I don't even know if I know what life is without the lies anymore.
I got so sick of what it was doing to me that I quit 35 days ago. But in the end it's still a selfish decision. It'll just end up benefiting others. But I never could have quit until I made the decision too. I couldn't have done it for anyone else.
We're irresponsible because life become unmanageable when the drugs or drinking take over. That is the direct result of why we can't hold down a job or start failing out of school or lose friends but we lie to ourselves and try and blame other people, the whole "Poor me act, the world is out to get me" but really we don't even realize how much damage we are doing to ourselves.
If we can't even realize what we're doing to ourselves it's pretty difficult to realize what we're doing to other people.
I don't think you chose who he is today as a partner. Who he is today is only a fraction of who he once was, the drugs/drinking have taken the rest from you.
You can choose not to be codependent, to recover in your own way. Codependency is addiction too, in a different way but it still had a recoery process.
You don't have to live like this, don't have to stay on this rollar coaster ride. You don't have any obligations to anyone but yourself. You especially don't have an obligation to someone whose going to use you, manipulate you and lie to you.
Sometimes that just enables an addict more, you need to focus on the things you can control, your attitudes, your life, your actions. Have you been going to your own meetings, talking to others in your situation? Keep reading and keep posting here, it's a great help.
Don't feel like you're obligated to be a certain way or feel a certain way, your emotions are yours and yours only
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 9
For a long time, even though I was independent in every other area of my life, I felt like I needed his love, and felt like even though the things he did were so hurtful, I endured it because I was afraid of losing him. I'm much stronger now, but I have poor self-esteem and have lost great faith in relationships all together. Alanon can help guide me?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
I can't speak for all addicts and alcoholics here.
But for me I just never learned how to deal.
I spent so many years drinking, drugging and shoving my feelings down that I never learned coping mechanisms.
So I guess in a way yes, you could say it's a weakness. It's a disease too however, meaning our brains function differently, we have a different make up than non-addicts.
It is however, not an excuse. It's just an explanation.
If you're looking for something to make you feel better about his use you probably won't find it.
For me I feel like I always needed something in my life, drinking, drugs, someone to fix & I've ended up with addicts and then use the stress of being with an addict/not being able to fix them etc as a reason to drink.
You gotta learn to tackle your problems, learn how to live life sober. That's why you need to be active in your recovery.
But instead of focusing so much on your addict you need to focus on YOUR recovery. On not being the person who sits by trying to explain away his behavior or come up with excuses or enable. I know how tempting it is but the best thing you can do for him is now make any excuses.
You have every right to be angry/upset but you need to channel that into developing your own interests, your own strength and your own knowledge about what you can do to "Detach with love" and make sure you're not being taken down with him.
But for me I just never learned how to deal.
I spent so many years drinking, drugging and shoving my feelings down that I never learned coping mechanisms.
So I guess in a way yes, you could say it's a weakness. It's a disease too however, meaning our brains function differently, we have a different make up than non-addicts.
It is however, not an excuse. It's just an explanation.
If you're looking for something to make you feel better about his use you probably won't find it.
For me I feel like I always needed something in my life, drinking, drugs, someone to fix & I've ended up with addicts and then use the stress of being with an addict/not being able to fix them etc as a reason to drink.
You gotta learn to tackle your problems, learn how to live life sober. That's why you need to be active in your recovery.
But instead of focusing so much on your addict you need to focus on YOUR recovery. On not being the person who sits by trying to explain away his behavior or come up with excuses or enable. I know how tempting it is but the best thing you can do for him is now make any excuses.
You have every right to be angry/upset but you need to channel that into developing your own interests, your own strength and your own knowledge about what you can do to "Detach with love" and make sure you're not being taken down with him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful 
We forget how to live without lying.
You can choose not to be codependent, to recover in your own way. Codependency is addiction too, in a different way but it still had a recoery process.
You don't have to live like this, don't have to stay on this rollar coaster ride. You don't have any obligations to anyone but yourself. You especially don't have an obligation to someone whose going to use you, manipulate you and lie to you.
Sometimes that just enables an addict more, you need to focus on the things you can control, your attitudes, your life, your actions. Have you been going to your own meetings, talking to others in your situation? Keep reading and keep posting here, it's a great help.
Don't feel like you're obligated to be a certain way or feel a certain way, your emotions are yours and yours only
You can choose not to be codependent, to recover in your own way. Codependency is addiction too, in a different way but it still had a recoery process.
You don't have to live like this, don't have to stay on this rollar coaster ride. You don't have any obligations to anyone but yourself. You especially don't have an obligation to someone whose going to use you, manipulate you and lie to you.
Sometimes that just enables an addict more, you need to focus on the things you can control, your attitudes, your life, your actions. Have you been going to your own meetings, talking to others in your situation? Keep reading and keep posting here, it's a great help.
Don't feel like you're obligated to be a certain way or feel a certain way, your emotions are yours and yours only
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Norton, KS
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Standingalone
Are addicts / alcoholics weak? Is it that they can't deal with issues of life so they try to block it out... Or numb life?
Yes that's pretty much it, can't deal with issues so they block it out. Now, are they weak? I wouldn't say they are weak, I'd say that the size of their issues is stronger than what they can take. Some alcoholics have been through things and have issues that are huge and enormous. I'm not sure how I'd get through the things that they went through.
It is easier to numb the pain than it is to try to process, work on, and get past some issues. Just watch an episode of Intervention on TV, some of the issues that person endured are horrible. But they weren't able to process it, work on it, and get past it.
My XAGF (ex alcoholic girl/friend) had a tragic childhood, then had success with raising a son, but had a horrible high school stretch with a daughter, then her husband passed away. Is she weak? No way, she's very much a hero to her kids and she's endured alot. But she hasn't been successful in getting past some of the horrible things in her life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Don't lose faith. 
Al-Anon (and individual counseling) helped me figure out why I fell for, married, and stayed with an addict. I could stop obsessing over why he did what he did and start focusing on why I did what I did. Because that's what really matters in the long run. What your motivation was for doing what you did.
A phrase often repeated here is "He isn't drinking at you -- he's just drinking" and I repeat that a lot about other things addicts (and for that matter, non-addicts as well) do. Most of the time when people do things, they're not directed at you, they just are.
What I found through Al-Anon and counseling was that being involved with an addict (I had two under my belt, no pun intended, before I met AXH) filled a need I had to feel needed. I had a definition of "how I could be a worthwhile, praiseworthy person" that included helping others and denying my own needs. I felt like a local Mother Theresa when I smiled a mild and understanding smile when my AXH called me names and yelled at me.
I was proud of being such a good person. And it was really that pride, that desire to be able to calm my self-doubts with actions that I knew defined me as a Good Honorable Person, that put me where I was. For the longest time, I was more interested in being a Good Honorable Person than I was in being happy.
That's a small essay about something completely different than what you asked.
But I'm telling you because I got to the point with my AXH where I threw up my hands and went "Oh, fuhgeddaboutit, who knows why they do the things they do?" and started focusing on me instead. And I think that was healthier for me than wondering about him.
Al-Anon (and individual counseling) helped me figure out why I fell for, married, and stayed with an addict. I could stop obsessing over why he did what he did and start focusing on why I did what I did. Because that's what really matters in the long run. What your motivation was for doing what you did.
A phrase often repeated here is "He isn't drinking at you -- he's just drinking" and I repeat that a lot about other things addicts (and for that matter, non-addicts as well) do. Most of the time when people do things, they're not directed at you, they just are.
What I found through Al-Anon and counseling was that being involved with an addict (I had two under my belt, no pun intended, before I met AXH) filled a need I had to feel needed. I had a definition of "how I could be a worthwhile, praiseworthy person" that included helping others and denying my own needs. I felt like a local Mother Theresa when I smiled a mild and understanding smile when my AXH called me names and yelled at me.
I was proud of being such a good person. And it was really that pride, that desire to be able to calm my self-doubts with actions that I knew defined me as a Good Honorable Person, that put me where I was. For the longest time, I was more interested in being a Good Honorable Person than I was in being happy.
That's a small essay about something completely different than what you asked.
But I'm telling you because I got to the point with my AXH where I threw up my hands and went "Oh, fuhgeddaboutit, who knows why they do the things they do?" and started focusing on me instead. And I think that was healthier for me than wondering about him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
FenwayFaithful you are so kind and generous to come on here and explain addiction so openly and honestly! It's a gift. I'm going to copy what you wrote to my desktop.
This is the icing on the cake for a forum of family and friends > instead of focusing so much on your addict you need to focus on YOUR recovery. Beautiful and truthful. Thank you!
This is the icing on the cake for a forum of family and friends > instead of focusing so much on your addict you need to focus on YOUR recovery. Beautiful and truthful. Thank you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
