I am losing it!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am losing it!!
I am losing it and I have no idea why. I picked a fight with my husband for no reason on Tuesday and have kept it going. I am filled with hate, anger, resentment and self pity.
I have said every nasty thing possible to him. I told him he is a lying POS who stole from his wife and kids, the people who once loved him. That he is a fake, con man who deserves to rot in hell. He is the devil in disguise.
I told him to move out, move on and leave all his wreckage behind. I don't want him to feel any guilt now because God forbid he be held accountable - he may have a relapse. pffftttttt
Even my therapist was shocked today. She asked if I was PMSing, lol. I blew off my coda group tonight because I was not up for it. Oh well!
Heres the thing that gets me...........Ya just know, I am going to feel so bad, and soooo guilty....when I am done raging.
I really don't know why I feel the way I do. He has stayed quiet and doesn't dare say a word back. I think he might be a little afraid of me.
And in all honesty, he should be, I don't even trust myself right now. (I am not a violent person).
What is going on with me? This is not me!! But, OMG, I can not stop it.
I have said every nasty thing possible to him. I told him he is a lying POS who stole from his wife and kids, the people who once loved him. That he is a fake, con man who deserves to rot in hell. He is the devil in disguise.
I told him to move out, move on and leave all his wreckage behind. I don't want him to feel any guilt now because God forbid he be held accountable - he may have a relapse. pffftttttt
Even my therapist was shocked today. She asked if I was PMSing, lol. I blew off my coda group tonight because I was not up for it. Oh well!
Heres the thing that gets me...........Ya just know, I am going to feel so bad, and soooo guilty....when I am done raging.
I really don't know why I feel the way I do. He has stayed quiet and doesn't dare say a word back. I think he might be a little afraid of me.
And in all honesty, he should be, I don't even trust myself right now. (I am not a violent person).What is going on with me? This is not me!! But, OMG, I can not stop it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
LoveMeNot, I understand. I haven't had contact with my AexBF in months. I shudder to think about some of the things that I said and did out of anger, frustration, and hurt. Honestly it was so out of character for me to behave the way I did. Those things kept me stuck in feeling so bad afterwards that I stayed in this sick cycle with an addict. I am embarassed about some of my behavior but realize being in a relationship with an active lying addict would drive most sane people insane if we allow it. I'm sorry you're so angry. Yes, you're right, he should be scared :-) I know I scared my ex on more than one occassion when I flipped my lid. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
Actually you kinda brought back a funny memory. One of the last threats I made to my ex (actually one of the last texts I sent before I went no contact) was that I wished he rot in hell, that he would get what he deserved in life because karma is a bi--ch, on and on. But the funny part is that he knows I know a DEA agent and I told him I was about to hand over all of his phone records, contacts, etc. to the feds and for him to not be shocked when the feds come knocking on his door to ask him about his drug dealers (one of which was about to run from the law for drug charges). I had access to his phone records and he knew it. The phone went on lock down for awhile because I scared the crap out of him.
It feels so foolish now looking back on it. I will never stoop to that level again. I couldn't quite see the level of insanity when I was in the middle of it all. Now that I have no contact with him, I can see so clearly how unhealthy we both were in that relationship. I couldn't imagine what I would have been acting like in another month or god forbid, another year. I probably would have been the one who ended up in jail :-) It's so embarassing to even type this right now.
It feels so foolish now looking back on it. I will never stoop to that level again. I couldn't quite see the level of insanity when I was in the middle of it all. Now that I have no contact with him, I can see so clearly how unhealthy we both were in that relationship. I couldn't imagine what I would have been acting like in another month or god forbid, another year. I probably would have been the one who ended up in jail :-) It's so embarassing to even type this right now.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by madisonblake 
LoveMeNot, I understand. I haven't had contact with my AexBF in months. I shudder to think about some of the things that I said and did out of anger, frustration, and hurt. Honestly it was so out of character for me to behave the way I did. Those things kept me stuck in feeling so bad afterwards that I stayed in this sick cycle with an addict. I am embarassed about some of my behavior but realize being in a relationship with an active lying addict would drive most sane people insane if we allow it. I'm sorry you're so angry. Yes, you're right, he should be scared :-) I know I scared my ex on more than one occassion when I flipped my lid. You are not alone.
This time, I think it's all on me.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, talk about losing it...here is my story..old Dolly went nutzo.
My exabf, a real winner, used to somehow make it over my 6ft fence into my backyard. I was
soooo tired of it, so on overload. One night right before dark , he came over the fence and started yelling, real loud, repeating himself, over and over again.
I grabbed my BB gun, an auto reload kind and went out on my back deck, he was standing in the yard calling me names, and threatening me, I told him to leave, he gave me the finger. I raised the BB gun and started firing...my neighbor came out and said ,lower, higher Dolly, left, right...he hid behind my metal shed. I kept firing, talk about a loud noise! He ran out from behind the shed and was screaming "Your crazy", I said "Yes, you are right". He was a bobbin and a weavin and I was a firing...never hit him...he jumped the fence like a gazell...Good thing that I was such a lousy shot, otherwise I'd be sitting in the slammer.
The next night he was arrested in my front yard...drunk...and found with drugs on him.
Yes, I lost it...really lost it...never before, never again....it happened, doo, doo occured.
When he was out of my life, I regained me, my calm and my peace. I have no answers, only questions... perhaps you need a little space from him, a vacation? A visit to a family member? Or?
Take a few deep breaths...this too, shall pass.
My exabf, a real winner, used to somehow make it over my 6ft fence into my backyard. I was
soooo tired of it, so on overload. One night right before dark , he came over the fence and started yelling, real loud, repeating himself, over and over again.
I grabbed my BB gun, an auto reload kind and went out on my back deck, he was standing in the yard calling me names, and threatening me, I told him to leave, he gave me the finger. I raised the BB gun and started firing...my neighbor came out and said ,lower, higher Dolly, left, right...he hid behind my metal shed. I kept firing, talk about a loud noise! He ran out from behind the shed and was screaming "Your crazy", I said "Yes, you are right". He was a bobbin and a weavin and I was a firing...never hit him...he jumped the fence like a gazell...Good thing that I was such a lousy shot, otherwise I'd be sitting in the slammer.
The next night he was arrested in my front yard...drunk...and found with drugs on him.
Yes, I lost it...really lost it...never before, never again....it happened, doo, doo occured.
When he was out of my life, I regained me, my calm and my peace. I have no answers, only questions... perhaps you need a little space from him, a vacation? A visit to a family member? Or?
Take a few deep breaths...this too, shall pass.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When you strike out like that, LoveMeNot, it's not about him or what he did or any of the issues you strike out about...it's about "stuff" you have shoved down for far too long that is beginning to surface and needs to be dealt with.
When we stuff our feelings they fester and then like a volcano they erupt viciously and we explode into rage or tears or anger or insanity, doesn't matter much which, it's all an unhealthy release.
That's were our program comes in handy, it teaches us healthy ways to "get it out", and I promise you there is "stuff" in there that you didn't even know existed. Now see, here's where blowing off your meeting might not have been such a good idea. I know for me that the times I really didn't feel like hitting a meeting was exactly when I needed one most.
Don't beat yourself up, just grab the recovery lifeline and work on healthy ways to express your feelings.
Trust me, it will get better, but you have to work at it when you don't feel like it...no slacking allowed!
Hugs
When we stuff our feelings they fester and then like a volcano they erupt viciously and we explode into rage or tears or anger or insanity, doesn't matter much which, it's all an unhealthy release.
That's were our program comes in handy, it teaches us healthy ways to "get it out", and I promise you there is "stuff" in there that you didn't even know existed. Now see, here's where blowing off your meeting might not have been such a good idea. I know for me that the times I really didn't feel like hitting a meeting was exactly when I needed one most.
Don't beat yourself up, just grab the recovery lifeline and work on healthy ways to express your feelings.
Trust me, it will get better, but you have to work at it when you don't feel like it...no slacking allowed!
Hugs
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Ann, I have been trying so hard to deal with the "stuff" for months with a therapist. I feel like I had a major relapse Tuesday.
He left the garage door open after I asked him to close it. lolol I better not buy a BB gun!!
Still laughing from Dolly's post. lol
He left the garage door open after I asked him to close it. lolol I better not buy a BB gun!!
Still laughing from Dolly's post. lol
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
Bwahahahaha. I wish I were your neighbor! That is hilarous. That is seriously the funniest thing I've read on here ever.
LoveMeNot, I felt the same thing even when my ex was sober (which I believe was less than three months after rehab). This was not just when he was using. It just got worse when he was using. Like Ann said, you can only repress your feelings for so long.
LoveMeNot, I felt the same thing even when my ex was sober (which I believe was less than three months after rehab). This was not just when he was using. It just got worse when he was using. Like Ann said, you can only repress your feelings for so long.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Dollydo - my therapist said the same thing about getting away for a while!! I was planning a trip up north to see my Godchild and her beautiful baby. Not sure what the travel is like up there yet though.
I may just try to jump your fence, oh wait.....maybe not!! lolol
I may just try to jump your fence, oh wait.....maybe not!! lolol
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He left the garage door open after I asked him to close it.
Dolly, hand me the BB's!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
LMN, I understand you have every reason to have anger I keep having things surface as Ann said however I am wondering if some of this anger could be with yourself? I have come to realize in my case some of it is and yes I have been taking it out on him and everyone around me.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by dollydo
Well, talk about losing it...here is my story..old Dolly went nutzo.
My exabf, a real winner, used to somehow make it over my 6ft fence into my backyard. I was
soooo tired of it, so on overload. One night right before dark , he came over the fence and started yelling, real loud, repeating himself, over and over again.
I grabbed my BB gun, an auto reload kind and went out on my back deck, he was standing in the yard calling me names, and threatening me, I told him to leave, he gave me the finger. I raised the BB gun and started firing...my neighbor came out and said ,lower, higher Dolly, left, right...he hid behind my metal shed. I kept firing, talk about a loud noise! He ran out from behind the shed and was screaming "Your crazy", I said "Yes, you are right". He was a bobbin and a weavin and I was a firing...never hit him...he jumped the fence like a gazell...Good thing that I was such a lousy shot, otherwise I'd be sitting in the slammer.
The next night he was arrested in my front yard...drunk...and found with drugs on him.
Yes, I lost it...really lost it...never before, never again....it happened, doo, doo occured.
When he was out of my life, I regained me, my calm and my peace. I have no answers, only questions... perhaps you need a little space from him, a vacation? A visit to a family member? Or?
Take a few deep breaths...this too, shall pass.
My exabf, a real winner, used to somehow make it over my 6ft fence into my backyard. I was
soooo tired of it, so on overload. One night right before dark , he came over the fence and started yelling, real loud, repeating himself, over and over again.
I grabbed my BB gun, an auto reload kind and went out on my back deck, he was standing in the yard calling me names, and threatening me, I told him to leave, he gave me the finger. I raised the BB gun and started firing...my neighbor came out and said ,lower, higher Dolly, left, right...he hid behind my metal shed. I kept firing, talk about a loud noise! He ran out from behind the shed and was screaming "Your crazy", I said "Yes, you are right". He was a bobbin and a weavin and I was a firing...never hit him...he jumped the fence like a gazell...Good thing that I was such a lousy shot, otherwise I'd be sitting in the slammer.
The next night he was arrested in my front yard...drunk...and found with drugs on him.
Yes, I lost it...really lost it...never before, never again....it happened, doo, doo occured.
When he was out of my life, I regained me, my calm and my peace. I have no answers, only questions... perhaps you need a little space from him, a vacation? A visit to a family member? Or?
Take a few deep breaths...this too, shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Thank you, LMN, for posting this. I am always amazed at how SR is truly a miracle for me.
I'm beginning to feel the same way you do. I thought it was just me. I just can not stand to even be in the same room with my AH. And, he's done nothing to me (recently). He's passing all of his drug screens at the methadone clinic, he does whatever I ask, whenever I ask, etc. But I just almost want him to relapse so I can "let him have it." I'm about ready to just go off on him anyway because I'm tired of acting like everything is ok now that he's on his way to recovery.
I just know how mean I could actually be. I know how badly words can hurt people, which is why I keep control of my tounge.
I'm just so angry. I don't know what's wrong with me either. I was very snappy with my oldest son this morning because he is terrible at dressing himself (like picking out what matches as far as colors, style, etc) and I lost my patience with him.
I really think I'd feel so much better if I just yelled at my AH and let him know everything I've been feeling. I know this is not a healthy marriage or even a good way to live.
Ok, sorry for hijacking your post. I think we'd both be better off if we separated from our husbands for at least 6 months.
I'm beginning to feel the same way you do. I thought it was just me. I just can not stand to even be in the same room with my AH. And, he's done nothing to me (recently). He's passing all of his drug screens at the methadone clinic, he does whatever I ask, whenever I ask, etc. But I just almost want him to relapse so I can "let him have it." I'm about ready to just go off on him anyway because I'm tired of acting like everything is ok now that he's on his way to recovery.
I just know how mean I could actually be. I know how badly words can hurt people, which is why I keep control of my tounge.
I'm just so angry. I don't know what's wrong with me either. I was very snappy with my oldest son this morning because he is terrible at dressing himself (like picking out what matches as far as colors, style, etc) and I lost my patience with him.
I really think I'd feel so much better if I just yelled at my AH and let him know everything I've been feeling. I know this is not a healthy marriage or even a good way to live.
Ok, sorry for hijacking your post. I think we'd both be better off if we separated from our husbands for at least 6 months.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Clark Griswold(Chevy Chase),as he commandeers the roller coaster,holding
the park security guard (John Candy) hostage with a pistol.....
Candy:"That's not even a real gun,is it,Clark?"
Clark:"Are you kidding,this is a magnum PI!"
Candy:"That's just a BB gun,Clark"
Clark:"It could lodge under the skin and cause a very nasty infection!"
Candy:"That's just an old wives tale,Clark"
(Clark shoots Candy in a** as he (slowly) tries to escape)
================================================== ===
I especially like the metal shed part,Dolly! Makes it SOUND like you are
coming at him with a 155mm Howitzer!
(Always excellent policy to wear dark pants---in case someone shoots
at you that day....why add embarrassment to potential injury?)
the park security guard (John Candy) hostage with a pistol.....
Candy:"That's not even a real gun,is it,Clark?"
Clark:"Are you kidding,this is a magnum PI!"
Candy:"That's just a BB gun,Clark"
Clark:"It could lodge under the skin and cause a very nasty infection!"
Candy:"That's just an old wives tale,Clark"
(Clark shoots Candy in a** as he (slowly) tries to escape)
================================================== ===
I especially like the metal shed part,Dolly! Makes it SOUND like you are
coming at him with a 155mm Howitzer!
(Always excellent policy to wear dark pants---in case someone shoots
at you that day....why add embarrassment to potential injury?)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Dolly, you are awesome!
LMN, I've been there, you know I have. Two weeks ago I sat in my therapists office, slumped and angry. I think you need a break. What saved my sanity was AH was out of the house... Heck, out of the state when I decided it was over and he was at his worst. If I had to see his mug every day like you do, I'd be nuts.
LMN, I've been there, you know I have. Two weeks ago I sat in my therapists office, slumped and angry. I think you need a break. What saved my sanity was AH was out of the house... Heck, out of the state when I decided it was over and he was at his worst. If I had to see his mug every day like you do, I'd be nuts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
I am losing it and I have no idea why. I picked a fight with my husband for no reason on Tuesday and have kept it going. I am filled with hate, anger, resentment and self pity.
I have said every nasty thing possible to him. I told him he is a lying POS who stole from his wife and kids, the people who once loved him. That he is a fake, con man who deserves to rot in hell. He is the devil in disguise.
I told him to move out, move on and leave all his wreckage behind. I don't want him to feel any guilt now because God forbid he be held accountable - he may have a relapse. pffftttttt
Even my therapist was shocked today. She asked if I was PMSing, lol. I blew off my coda group tonight because I was not up for it. Oh well!
Heres the thing that gets me...........Ya just know, I am going to feel so bad, and soooo guilty....when I am done raging.
I really don't know why I feel the way I do. He has stayed quiet and doesn't dare say a word back. I think he might be a little afraid of me. And in all honesty, he should be, I don't even trust myself right now. (I am not a violent person).
What is going on with me? This is not me!! But, OMG, I can not stop it.
I have said every nasty thing possible to him. I told him he is a lying POS who stole from his wife and kids, the people who once loved him. That he is a fake, con man who deserves to rot in hell. He is the devil in disguise.
I told him to move out, move on and leave all his wreckage behind. I don't want him to feel any guilt now because God forbid he be held accountable - he may have a relapse. pffftttttt
Even my therapist was shocked today. She asked if I was PMSing, lol. I blew off my coda group tonight because I was not up for it. Oh well!
Heres the thing that gets me...........Ya just know, I am going to feel so bad, and soooo guilty....when I am done raging.
I really don't know why I feel the way I do. He has stayed quiet and doesn't dare say a word back. I think he might be a little afraid of me.
And in all honesty, he should be, I don't even trust myself right now. (I am not a violent person).What is going on with me? This is not me!! But, OMG, I can not stop it.
In my humble opinion,LMN....this IS you.It's you reaching your limit and
refusing to lower your eyes any longer.As long as the violence is kept out
of the equation---and we KNOW you are too smart for that---
What,exactly,is wrong with righteous rage when you HAVE been wronged?
As far as feeling SOOOO guilty when you are done raging.....why?
I was always taught....if you are in the wrong,apologize and move on.
If you are in the right......skip the apology and just move on.
I think it's a French saying.....?
....."this animal is very evil;when attacked,it defends itself".
(like Faithlove says........lift your head up,princess!)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I'm sorry. You know, I have lost it on my ex before and I always wonder if the hateful things I said to him led him to his path of cheating and cocaine. But, I then stop myself and think I made a mistake, apologized and my words still can't be why he went down the path. He is an adult with a family and made really bad choices. I didn't cause it.
I think from what I hear from you and your posts you are trying so hard to be perfect. You are trying so hard to be diplomatic, loving and supportive. You are more then willing to see your flaws and not only admit to them, but try to fix them. I see you doing everything you can to make this work. Maybe you just couldn't take it anymore and snapped. And guess what? That's ok. He probably deserved it.
I comend your strength and how much you are giving. You are trying so hard, and I have nothing butre respect for you.
Hang in there. And, I'm sorry if I am way off.
Btw, I have my ex's phone number saved as POS...it describes him very well considering the tradegy. He has caused his family.
Stay strong and let yourself feel! Your allowed to be angry.
I think from what I hear from you and your posts you are trying so hard to be perfect. You are trying so hard to be diplomatic, loving and supportive. You are more then willing to see your flaws and not only admit to them, but try to fix them. I see you doing everything you can to make this work. Maybe you just couldn't take it anymore and snapped. And guess what? That's ok. He probably deserved it.
I comend your strength and how much you are giving. You are trying so hard, and I have nothing butre respect for you.
Hang in there. And, I'm sorry if I am way off.
Btw, I have my ex's phone number saved as POS...it describes him very well considering the tradegy. He has caused his family.
Stay strong and let yourself feel! Your allowed to be angry.
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