It got bad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
It got bad.
Last night was my first experience with drunken out of control relapsed AH. We went out with some clients of mine. I didn't think AH was going to drink but he did. Many later my client who is just a drunk was rude to AH. I was caught in the middle.
AH moved outside to cool off and I went to talk to him - he exploded that he was going back inside and was going to tell my client to go to hell. I explained to AH that I am getting ready to lose my job, and this client will stay with me I can't afford to lose him.
We left shortly thereafter and got home whereupon AH left to go to the liquor store - I asked him not to drive and he did anyway. He got back and seemed ok but then it was very strange - I swear he snapped like a twig. One moment we were talking civilly about my job situation and all of sudden he flew into a rage about my client. he accused me of taking my client over him....it spiraled from there into a raging argument with him throwing accusations at me and telling me what rotten person I am, how I think so much of myself, how my family thinks we are so great, how (even though my company is downsizing and I am being laid off) its my fault somehow that I am losing my job and that I am lying about it.
This argument raged until AH was standing over me with his fist cocked and screamed said if I didn't shut up he was going to smash my face in. I sat there paralyzed, I have no idea who that person was. Its not my husband. he walked away and I called 911. I didn't press the call button though not intentionally I thought I had - so phone to ear nothing happening and AH was telling me I had no proof of what he did and that he would tell the police I hit him and would end up in jail not him.
At this point AH started backing down. He said he was going to bed and he was sorry and would leave me alone.
As you can imagine I didn't sleep.
i left a letter this morning. The first sentence said "I HATE DRINKING". If you want to continue to drink you will need to leave this house immediately its over. I do not know if this is repairable. I do know that I will never be around you when you are drinking ever again because you are an alcoholic and insane when you drink. Make a choice, let me know. This will be civil. I have documented all that has happened in the past 24 hours and you don't intimidate me. I hope you choose life (sobriety) rather than death (alcoholism).
This afternoon he told me he doesn't want to drink anymore. I do not know if he will or not. I don't know if I can trust him. It been one week since he admitted he was drinking but I estimate he has been for 4 or 5 months. 10 years of sobriety, 5 months relapse. I hope we go back to sober he was a real catch then and my soulmate and love of my life.
AH moved outside to cool off and I went to talk to him - he exploded that he was going back inside and was going to tell my client to go to hell. I explained to AH that I am getting ready to lose my job, and this client will stay with me I can't afford to lose him.
We left shortly thereafter and got home whereupon AH left to go to the liquor store - I asked him not to drive and he did anyway. He got back and seemed ok but then it was very strange - I swear he snapped like a twig. One moment we were talking civilly about my job situation and all of sudden he flew into a rage about my client. he accused me of taking my client over him....it spiraled from there into a raging argument with him throwing accusations at me and telling me what rotten person I am, how I think so much of myself, how my family thinks we are so great, how (even though my company is downsizing and I am being laid off) its my fault somehow that I am losing my job and that I am lying about it.
This argument raged until AH was standing over me with his fist cocked and screamed said if I didn't shut up he was going to smash my face in. I sat there paralyzed, I have no idea who that person was. Its not my husband. he walked away and I called 911. I didn't press the call button though not intentionally I thought I had - so phone to ear nothing happening and AH was telling me I had no proof of what he did and that he would tell the police I hit him and would end up in jail not him.
At this point AH started backing down. He said he was going to bed and he was sorry and would leave me alone.
As you can imagine I didn't sleep.
i left a letter this morning. The first sentence said "I HATE DRINKING". If you want to continue to drink you will need to leave this house immediately its over. I do not know if this is repairable. I do know that I will never be around you when you are drinking ever again because you are an alcoholic and insane when you drink. Make a choice, let me know. This will be civil. I have documented all that has happened in the past 24 hours and you don't intimidate me. I hope you choose life (sobriety) rather than death (alcoholism).
This afternoon he told me he doesn't want to drink anymore. I do not know if he will or not. I don't know if I can trust him. It been one week since he admitted he was drinking but I estimate he has been for 4 or 5 months. 10 years of sobriety, 5 months relapse. I hope we go back to sober he was a real catch then and my soulmate and love of my life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Hang tough!! Remember - he can do this! If he can do 10 years of sobriety, he can do 10 more. There is a lot of hope here!!
He just needs to be reminded of why he quit in the first place. I'd hold your boundaries solidly. Don't put up with it. He needs to go back to treatment.
I think you have great reason to stick this out . . . he's proven he can do this and he will do it again!
He just needs to be reminded of why he quit in the first place. I'd hold your boundaries solidly. Don't put up with it. He needs to go back to treatment.
I think you have great reason to stick this out . . . he's proven he can do this and he will do it again!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I think he is dangerous and you should get some space between the two of you. Next time, he may not back down.
You are putting your own safety at risk by continuing to live with him.
L
You are putting your own safety at risk by continuing to live with him.
L
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Everyone is different, I understand that. For me, as soon as a man threatened to hit me, it would be over. Period. No ifs, ands, or butts.
No man has ever hit me and I'm not going to ever give them the idea that they can even threaten to do so.
Drinking is no excuse, it simply reveals a part of him that thought those things but never said them out loud before. That was not another person, it was a part of him that he hides from you.
I hope you can find some peace, your post moved me. It was scary to read, must have been scarier to be there.
No man has ever hit me and I'm not going to ever give them the idea that they can even threaten to do so.
Drinking is no excuse, it simply reveals a part of him that thought those things but never said them out loud before. That was not another person, it was a part of him that he hides from you.
I hope you can find some peace, your post moved me. It was scary to read, must have been scarier to be there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
No we aren't legally married. I guess like many women I fall into a situation where it comes down to money and timing. He has legal rights to continue to live here for a period of time even if I want him gone. I would have to evict him - and I am not opposed to that if it comes down to it. However, I cannot live with him for 90 days in a one bedroom condo under those conditions. Nor am I in a position to move out myself, support myself, and pay my mortgage and other bills at the condo in the interim especially now that I am losing my job. In about 3 months I will be.
I too never thought I would be in a situation that a man threatened me and I would continue to live with him. Excuses I suppose it sounds like to a point. I take my life and safety over material things - but I also know that moving out now for 3 months would be financial disaster for me it could mean losing my home.
I have never seen this side of him - EVER. I don't know if I would give a broad justifcation that that is who he is and he was just hiding it. Alcohol certainly has brought out things in me when I drink that aren't there when I am not.
I can say this. I will never be around him when he drinks ever again. If I come home and he has been drinking I will leave. I have a a bag packed in my car, I have many friends and I certainly am able to stay in a hotel for a couple of days if need be.
One of my other issues are my animals. I have 3 cats. If I go they need to go with I won't leave them here with him. I need to look into a fostering service. If I needed to move out I can stay with friends but bringing 3 cats in tow doesn't work.
I too never thought I would be in a situation that a man threatened me and I would continue to live with him. Excuses I suppose it sounds like to a point. I take my life and safety over material things - but I also know that moving out now for 3 months would be financial disaster for me it could mean losing my home.
I have never seen this side of him - EVER. I don't know if I would give a broad justifcation that that is who he is and he was just hiding it. Alcohol certainly has brought out things in me when I drink that aren't there when I am not.
I can say this. I will never be around him when he drinks ever again. If I come home and he has been drinking I will leave. I have a a bag packed in my car, I have many friends and I certainly am able to stay in a hotel for a couple of days if need be.
One of my other issues are my animals. I have 3 cats. If I go they need to go with I won't leave them here with him. I need to look into a fostering service. If I needed to move out I can stay with friends but bringing 3 cats in tow doesn't work.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Redlanta,
If he drinks again and gets threatening and there is a possibility of physical abuse leave the condo and go next door and call 911.
They will haul his behind to jail and to court and he will NOT be allowed to return... period! Court ordered!
IN domestic situations someone always goes to jail as people are more likely tho harm or even kill eachother in domestics than any other situation. Police cya by always seperating fighting domestics by one going to jail.
Let it be him and he can experience some consequences for his magical thinking that alcohol isn't an issue for him.
If he drinks again and gets threatening and there is a possibility of physical abuse leave the condo and go next door and call 911.
They will haul his behind to jail and to court and he will NOT be allowed to return... period! Court ordered!
IN domestic situations someone always goes to jail as people are more likely tho harm or even kill eachother in domestics than any other situation. Police cya by always seperating fighting domestics by one going to jail.
Let it be him and he can experience some consequences for his magical thinking that alcohol isn't an issue for him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
I think I can see both sides of the story here without knowing everything. I guess it comes down to how much you can handle, how much you are willing (or can) to give/support, and how motivated he is to change. Best of luck to you both.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You are teaching him that you will do nothing except write him letters. You are teaching him that he can threaten you and almost pound your face in and you will not do a damn thing to protect yourself, not even call for help. You are teaching him that with a simple threat, he can get you under his control. You are putting yourself in danger. Real danger. And you are teaching yourself that this is OK. You are looking into the past to determine who this person is, and ignoring what happened last night. He threatened your physical and your financial security. How much does he weigh compared to you? How strong is his punch? Would it break your jaw if he punched you one time? Or would he have to hit you twice to accomplish this?
Go to the police station and file a complaint. Go to the court and file a restraining order. Go to the domestic violence center and get a counselor. Get the judge to order him to vacate the condo and stay away from you.
A man who would threaten you as he has is DANGEROUS. FORGET TEN YEARS OF SOBRIETY. That is GONE. Done. And alcohol does not CAUSE him to be this way; this is who he IS. You cannot have one without the other. Sober man and drunk man are a package deal.
Do the right thing and take care of yourself. This means PROTECTING yourself, especially from immediate danger, which you seem incapable of doing.
Go to the police station and file a complaint. Go to the court and file a restraining order. Go to the domestic violence center and get a counselor. Get the judge to order him to vacate the condo and stay away from you.
A man who would threaten you as he has is DANGEROUS. FORGET TEN YEARS OF SOBRIETY. That is GONE. Done. And alcohol does not CAUSE him to be this way; this is who he IS. You cannot have one without the other. Sober man and drunk man are a package deal.
Do the right thing and take care of yourself. This means PROTECTING yourself, especially from immediate danger, which you seem incapable of doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Learn2live - I am capable of taking care of myself. I would imagine like many people who have never experienced an alcoholic wading though this has been confusing, frustrating, sad, upsetting, and I often feel alone. Which is why I am here.
I am not opposed to someone being stern, showing concern, or offering guidance. All situations are the same but different and giving specific economic details on here seems a bit more than I am prepared to do.
I am working on diligently on ending this. Ending it safely for me. Perhaps you wouldn't mind looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life - I prefer not to.
There is nothing OK about what he did NOTHING. I am not rationalizing it, I am not applying his past to it, I am NOT ignoring it.
I am maintaing peace in my house. I am preparing. A peaceful split I believe possible.
Should it happen again, his ass can rot in jail. ROT.
So please don't make assumptions about me, tell me what I think, or judge why I do or don't do something.
I am not opposed to someone being stern, showing concern, or offering guidance. All situations are the same but different and giving specific economic details on here seems a bit more than I am prepared to do.
I am working on diligently on ending this. Ending it safely for me. Perhaps you wouldn't mind looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life - I prefer not to.
There is nothing OK about what he did NOTHING. I am not rationalizing it, I am not applying his past to it, I am NOT ignoring it.
I am maintaing peace in my house. I am preparing. A peaceful split I believe possible.
Should it happen again, his ass can rot in jail. ROT.
So please don't make assumptions about me, tell me what I think, or judge why I do or don't do something.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Redatlanta, You sound like a strong self-supporting woman who will take control of her life and make it better. I can hear the self-respect in your post.
I hope the near future goes well for you without incidents like that one.
I can tell you are a woman capable of taking care of herself, kudos!
I hope the near future goes well for you without incidents like that one.
I can tell you are a woman capable of taking care of herself, kudos!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Sorry, I am apparently very brusk today. Didn't mean to make assumptions or insult; I was scared for you. Please do not just let this go. I think I read too much news or something but I seem to hear more and more often about these women who stay with these alcoholic men. And they wind up dead. I'm not trying to scare you but it happens way too regularly! Sorry again. Someone else just got mad at me for the way I posted.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
If you own the condo, evicting him is not a major obstacle to overcome, it is a matter of mind over matter.
I hope that you will do what is right for you, if not, that is ok too, it is your choice...he can remain to be your pretend husband,and, you can continue to accept his behavior, whatever works for you is what is right for you.
I hope that you will do what is right for you, if not, that is ok too, it is your choice...he can remain to be your pretend husband,and, you can continue to accept his behavior, whatever works for you is what is right for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello redatlanta,
I'm so glad you have a plan and are working it. That is really a very safe way to go about things. Getting all of your important papers together and located in a safe place away from your home is a good idea. Having a financial plan and goal is also great! Here is a link that contains some other great ideas for preparing to separate from an abusive or potentially abusive man.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
I hope that these tips will help you as you prepare! Stay safe and post here any time to vent or for support!!
HG
I'm so glad you have a plan and are working it. That is really a very safe way to go about things. Getting all of your important papers together and located in a safe place away from your home is a good idea. Having a financial plan and goal is also great! Here is a link that contains some other great ideas for preparing to separate from an abusive or potentially abusive man.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
I hope that these tips will help you as you prepare! Stay safe and post here any time to vent or for support!!
HG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Redatlanta,
I have been reading your posts and following your story. You are light years ahead of me at the same stage in my own relationship with my XA and I am confident that you will keep yourself safe if he goes off the deep end again.
Hopefully there will not be another episode and you can get this over peacefully but do have plan B in the hopper ready to launch....
take care.
I have been reading your posts and following your story. You are light years ahead of me at the same stage in my own relationship with my XA and I am confident that you will keep yourself safe if he goes off the deep end again.
Hopefully there will not be another episode and you can get this over peacefully but do have plan B in the hopper ready to launch....
take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
L2L - Its cool - no hard feelings. It was a scary situation. I have never, EVER in my life been verbally or physically abused. I was scared but I think more in shock. A bit paralyzed. I won't be next time and yes I know there will be one because he is not going to treatment - so he is either currently drinking and hiding it well or will be soon.
Dolly - Eviction is easy in my state. My current expenses for running this house is 4 k a month - I am not in a position to run it and live outside of it for 3 months. Neither my AH or I are fans of legal marriage. We had a commitment ceremony instead. So I guess he is a "pretend" husband - though he feels pretty real to me. I am glad, very glad the legal issue isn't involved other than those of a resident. If he gets crazy again I will call the police - I will get a TPO, and eviction won't be an issue. One of the things I have done for a "just in case" is purchase 2 cell phones which are well hidden in the house. I keep replaying in my mind what I was thinking the other night and one was if he busted my cell phone I would be screwed. We have one gun in this house its in his nightstand. I removed the firing pin yesterday. I have hidden spare keys to my car and have stashed a credit card and some cash in it as well as some clothes.
I wish he would go to rehab, AA something. I still don't understand how someone sober 10 years who was more proud of it than anything said screw it. Yeah I know that's what alcoholics do I read it all over here - still don't get it. Last night we talked about the incident he was very ashamed and sorrowful but when I mentioned going back into treatment he brushed it off. I thought about making that a deal breaker but in my opinion if they don't want to go its useless even if they do. So for me I stepped off the playing field.
Dolly - Eviction is easy in my state. My current expenses for running this house is 4 k a month - I am not in a position to run it and live outside of it for 3 months. Neither my AH or I are fans of legal marriage. We had a commitment ceremony instead. So I guess he is a "pretend" husband - though he feels pretty real to me. I am glad, very glad the legal issue isn't involved other than those of a resident. If he gets crazy again I will call the police - I will get a TPO, and eviction won't be an issue. One of the things I have done for a "just in case" is purchase 2 cell phones which are well hidden in the house. I keep replaying in my mind what I was thinking the other night and one was if he busted my cell phone I would be screwed. We have one gun in this house its in his nightstand. I removed the firing pin yesterday. I have hidden spare keys to my car and have stashed a credit card and some cash in it as well as some clothes.
I wish he would go to rehab, AA something. I still don't understand how someone sober 10 years who was more proud of it than anything said screw it. Yeah I know that's what alcoholics do I read it all over here - still don't get it. Last night we talked about the incident he was very ashamed and sorrowful but when I mentioned going back into treatment he brushed it off. I thought about making that a deal breaker but in my opinion if they don't want to go its useless even if they do. So for me I stepped off the playing field.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
All it takes is one. For me, all it takes is one sip. But I'm a binger so I may go hog wild after the one sip but because I never had to drink everyday anyway, I have time to get my head straight and get back on the wagon.
I knew a guy had at least 15 years sober. One beer and within a year had lost everything: house, business, wife, blew through all the savings. Never got sober since. It's a crapshoot.
I knew a guy had at least 15 years sober. One beer and within a year had lost everything: house, business, wife, blew through all the savings. Never got sober since. It's a crapshoot.
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