Struggling with guilt of enabling son's addiction

Old 11-01-2012, 12:15 PM
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Struggling with guilt of enabling son's addiction

I am struggling with my son's addiction right now and my part in it. Briefly, he is a multi substance abuser, with no means to support himself, on probation for a felony, going to school and living at home.

Me- i come from an abusive alcoholic home and a codependant mother and was a multi substance user from early in my teens. I am 50 now, he is my only son. in some ways i tried to get what i needed in the way of intimacy and reliving my childhood through him, when i found him smoking weed at 16 i was actually happy that he was being "normal". i did take not return the weed i found - he had dropped it while getting high in the stairwell. I had been off drugs for 16 years at that point, a commitment I made when he was born, - however the temptation ultimately proved too much for me and I smoked his weed eventually - at first just a puff but later my involvement grew to even getting him to score for me. Something that I am truley embarrassed about now looking back. instead of being a father, i reverted to being an addict.

His involvement i thought was just pot and beer, it actually was much more than I ever knew until much later when he was in jail for burglery, breaking into beer stores for alcohol. before getting locked up, the weed got scarce and he turned me onto smoking "spice". By the time he got out - completely unreformed but straight at least for 9 months, i was using spice regularly and drinking. instead of supporting him, when i thought he might be breaking into homes to get alcohol i started supplying him with spice so he didn't have too. this has continued now for about a year and a half, except for both us stopping spice me because it got out of hand financially and he because he ended up in the ER with a panic attack. Then he started drinking instead and fool that i am i started providing that to him, not at first mind you and not intentionally but at first he was getting an allowance, later he was working the only place he could - an underpaying manual labor place that doesn't care about records, later when in school - he couldn't work so we went back to the allowance thing. All along I knew he was just using his money to get high/drunk but I rationalized it away - I even went and bought him beer at times because he didnt want to go to the store (he turned 21 in Aug). Now it is out of hand with him even going so far as to threaten and attack me when he is drunk demanding money for beer. I fear him and am very fearful for him. He has been cut off from his money as a result and I am afraid that he will revert to unlawful means of supporting his drug habit, ruining his chances of ever getting his record cleared, finishing his course and ending up in year for an extended period i.e. violating probation and having to serve the rest of his sentence. Am I right to cut him off? i feel it's my fault he's in this perdictament and don't know what to do. Should i supply him with a small amount of alcohol so he doesn't do something stupid. i can't kick him out - he's unable to support himself, he won't get help, really doesnt' want to quit, says he really wants to finish his course and doesn't want to go back to jail. i realize now, looking back that i have failed him somemany ways and times that I feel it is my fault. I should have done something when he was younger and unable to resist treatment legally but i didn't - something I will carry the rest of my life. What should I do?
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Old 11-01-2012, 12:56 PM
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I am so glad you are seeking help for yourself ~ that's a great place to start ~
SR has been a great resource for me in dealing with my adult daughter & adult step-son's addiction ~

have you thought about attending some Al-anon meetings? They have been wonderful in helping me too!

I'm not sure if you said - but are you seeking recovery for you? I hope so, it has been my experience that our loved ones see what we do far beyond hearing what we say ~

maybe him seeing the changes in you may cause him to want something better for himself - I don't know this for sure - but it definitely couldn't hurt ~

wishing the best for you and your son

PINK HUGS,
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