His Family Struggles
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 8
His Family Struggles
Hello. My boyfriend has been in has been in a treatment center for about 5 days now for opiate addiction. We have been together for 1 year as of 7. He told me when I first met him he was recovering addict. A year or so before we met he hit rock bottom and his family gave him the ultimatum of getting help or being excommunicated fom the family. He went into a 7 day detox center and went to meetings, got his dream job, and then met me. Life was going great and then he lost his job about 2 months ago. Once that happened everything started to crash. I found drugs, caught him in lies, and saw his bank account dwindle drastically.
Last Friday, on my birthday, his family held a second intervention, but this time without any screaming or ultimatums. We shared our concerns and voiced how much we knew he couldn't overcome his addiction alone. His family is the most important thing in his life, and so he willing admitted himself. I have talked to him for maybe 10 minutes in the past 5 days, but he sounds great and taking responsibility for his actions. He said he is right where he needs to be for his future and our future together.
What I struggle with is his family. They are very selfish in my opinion. Everything is about them. His mother is very high strung and dramatic. Her main concern is how her family looks to the rest of the world. Everything needs to seem perfect and happy, even when it is not. I am completely afraid of his father. He is for the most part silent, but his presence can raise your shoulders to your ears. My boyfriends recovery is all about them.
I can't visit him this weekend due to my work schedule, but his parents are going. I am afraid they are going to stress my boyfriend out or guilt him. Since I've been around I've never felt an unconditional loving relationship. I don't agree with what they say or how they treat my boyfriend, but my family doesn't know about his addiction so his parents are all I have to talk to. I just feel torn. I'm torn about his addiction, about his family, about all the secrets, and about voicing my concerns without stressing anyone out.
Last Friday, on my birthday, his family held a second intervention, but this time without any screaming or ultimatums. We shared our concerns and voiced how much we knew he couldn't overcome his addiction alone. His family is the most important thing in his life, and so he willing admitted himself. I have talked to him for maybe 10 minutes in the past 5 days, but he sounds great and taking responsibility for his actions. He said he is right where he needs to be for his future and our future together.
What I struggle with is his family. They are very selfish in my opinion. Everything is about them. His mother is very high strung and dramatic. Her main concern is how her family looks to the rest of the world. Everything needs to seem perfect and happy, even when it is not. I am completely afraid of his father. He is for the most part silent, but his presence can raise your shoulders to your ears. My boyfriends recovery is all about them.
I can't visit him this weekend due to my work schedule, but his parents are going. I am afraid they are going to stress my boyfriend out or guilt him. Since I've been around I've never felt an unconditional loving relationship. I don't agree with what they say or how they treat my boyfriend, but my family doesn't know about his addiction so his parents are all I have to talk to. I just feel torn. I'm torn about his addiction, about his family, about all the secrets, and about voicing my concerns without stressing anyone out.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
This really isn't about you or your concerns right now. You can't fix his family any more than you can fix him.
I think you'd do well to keep your opinions about his family to yourself and just do what YOU need to do that you remain stable and healthy during this time in your life. He's going to have to learn how to deal with his family - without using drugs - for the rest of his life. They aren't going to change. You can't protect him. You can just provide that unconditional love that you feel he isn't getting from his family.
I recommend that you attend al-anon during this time. Find some support for yourself outside of his family. Work the recovery you wish he would work. Read "codependent no more" so you can learn the difference between enabling, interfering and supporting. It'll give you a place to talk about your feelings without having to put pressure on him or his family.
The last thing you want his family to think is that you are an interfering girlfriend who thinks his recovery is all about her right? Don't play into their game.
I think you'd do well to keep your opinions about his family to yourself and just do what YOU need to do that you remain stable and healthy during this time in your life. He's going to have to learn how to deal with his family - without using drugs - for the rest of his life. They aren't going to change. You can't protect him. You can just provide that unconditional love that you feel he isn't getting from his family.
I recommend that you attend al-anon during this time. Find some support for yourself outside of his family. Work the recovery you wish he would work. Read "codependent no more" so you can learn the difference between enabling, interfering and supporting. It'll give you a place to talk about your feelings without having to put pressure on him or his family.
The last thing you want his family to think is that you are an interfering girlfriend who thinks his recovery is all about her right? Don't play into their game.
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