Filed for divorce today (long)

Old 11-01-2012, 11:04 AM
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Filed for divorce today (long)

Let me play some home movies for you. 18 years ago I met a pretty, shy girl in a bad relationship that I could rescue. I was shy as well, but growing up with an alcoholic father, who became a recovered alcoholic, I knew I could fix her & we would be happy. We were young, 19 or so, and we went to parties. We both drank but so did all of our friends. A few times she would get so drunk I would have to carry her. She would black out & not remember but everything was ok for her because she woke up in our bed safe & sound. We "made a deal" that if we were to continue this relationship this could not happen again. It didn't for awhile & I proposed to her, she accepted.

We lived in my parents basement for a few years, bought some land & saved up enough to get a loan to build her dream house. Things were good and for the most part we were happy. We were so excited about the house, she had a childhood living from apartment to apartment so a house to call her own was a dream come true & I was happy to provide it for her. I had a good steady job & she drifted from job to job but was never without work so I supported her each time she got a new job, even though she took less money each time. Sure she would drink to the point of passing out from time to time, we would talk & things would be fine for a while.

There were a lot of injuries. Countless sprained ankles, broken ankles, sprained wrists, broken collar bones, bruises with no explanation from drunken falls. There were many from falls down the stairs. Damned good thing I was there! I took on all the chores, the cooking, the cleaning, taking care of the dogs, as well as lawn work & all my other chores while holding down a full time job. She wasn't to lift a finger, not on my watch! She was to get better, that was her job. Sure it was funny! Ha Ha she needs to be wrapped in a bubble suit! She is so clumsy, keep her away from ladders! we would all laugh, her included.

Slowly, over time, we started to drink more often, I would have a few beers, she would have her box of wine. But her drinking changed. She no longer drank to have a few & relax or be social. Drinking to pass out became the norm. I accepted it as "that's just how she is". It happened slowly enough that I got used to it as her disease progressed. We had more & more "talks" & I became increasingly more frustrated & eventually angry. Now it was starting to affect me. The accidents were more frequent & I found myself under stress in every aspect of my life. The stress from home wove into the stress at work & there was no release. I couldn't hang out with friends because she would injure herself or I would have to carry her out. By now she was drinking pretty heavily, about 2) 5 liters of the cheap, nasty box wine. I know, I kept very close track! Now when we argued she would lie & say things to intentionally hurt me. She was lying more and more with no cause to do so.

One night at about 2 AM, after I had gone to bed pissed off that she wasn't home yet, I got a call from a hospital. She was in a car accident coming home from her mothers. I spoke with the ER surgeon, he said the seat belt had ripped her open from the bottom strap. They had to remove about a foot from her intestine. She had lost a lot of blood But IF she survived the night she would most likely live. I walked into her room in intensive care to see her lying there, unconscious with tube & wires & probes & a half dozen computer screens all blipping & pulsing & doing whatever it is they do. I remember there was 1 light on above her, right above her head showing her swollen face with a breathing tube down her throat. The surgeon couldn't really give me a good answer as what her chances were as there was so much alcohol in her system and that's what made it such a tricky surgery. Her BAC was .36 from the hospitals blood test.

She made it through the night and with a few set backs she was home in about 3 1/2 weeks with a colostomy bag. I changed her bag EVERY SINGLE TIME. I would not allow her to do it. I was the one who was taking care of her. The less she interfered, the easier it was for me. I was used to doing everything from all the previous injuries, but this was a whole new level. Now there were doctors visits2-3 times a week, the cleaning of the wounds, the changing of the colostomy bag, answering all the inquiries from family & friends. Of course the questions were always "how is SHE doing" never how are YOU doing. True she was the injured one, but my plate was pretty full as well. After a few weeks she was off of her medications & asked if she could have a glass of wine, I told her it was her choice. Guess what her choice was? She was able to drink in moderation. After a few months they removed her colostomy bag & hooked her intestines back together. She was back to work for a few months & at her company Christmas party she got drunk & was flipping people off in front of BIG boss whom she had just met for the first time that night (he worked at the main building not the field office she worked at). She was just joking around and meant no ill will, but........
I also found out later that prior to her accident she had kissed her boss, at least that's all she admitted to. Few weeks after the christmas party, she was laid off & her boss was transfered. Now I had to figure out how to pay the bills without her income, somehow I did & to this day I have no idea how!

Every day I would cry in the shower. I had to so I could just make it through the day. AW was home, unemployed, no license (she was charged with DWI from her accident) & drunk everyday. Passed out on the couch either before or shortly after I got home. When it was time for bed I would wake her & help (carry) her upstairs to bed. She would be SO mean & nasty to me & it took close to 20 minutes every night to get her up. I hated it. At this point I hated just about everything in life. I was angry at everything. Everyone & everything annoyed me. There was never enough time in the day, EVER! I felt so run down, so sad, so angry, so depressed so FRUSTRATED! If people would just GET IN LINE everything would be ok! Surely everyone can see how much easier it would be if they just would LISTEN TO ME! RESPECT ME! Look at all I do for everyone else, don't I DESERVE a little respect?

AW continued to drink more & more. I gave up. NOTHING I did changed a damned thing. Eventually I found SR. Lurked for quite a few months. I didn't dare register. Then my wife would be an alcoholic. After a few months I crawled into an ALANON meeting. It was now VERY real. My life had become unmanageable in every way. I noticed AW's shaking hands in the morning & eventually caught her in her morning drink. By now her drink of choice had become vodka, and lots of it! She now lied about everything, no matter how big or how insignificant, she lied. I became increasingly suspicious & one night her mother was carrying her in the house from one of their nights out at the bar & she lost her phone in the garage when she fell & I found it the next day. I have always respected her privacy, but something wasn't right. I found out she was cheating on me. I confronted her & she said couldn't remember as she was now blacking out about 5 nights a week.

Things were getting progressively worse between us, and though my recovery was progressing, so was her disease & her infidelity. She would now disappear for days with no explanation. There were more & more mysterious phone calls from strange men in the middle of the night. She was hiding her drinking more & more from me saying she would not let me make her hit rock bottom. More lies, more secrecy & no love. We started sleeping in separate rooms. I suggested we separate to reflect on our marriage & decide if we continue being married. She refused. She suggested we work on our relationship. I agreed, knowing I had to give it every last chance so I could walk away knowing I did all I could. After a couple months of me trying & her getting worse, I confronted her about her lack of work in the relationship. She said she didn't know where I ever got this idea that we were working on our marriage & wished I would stop bringing it up. The last straw was her running up our credit cards. So today I filed for divorce.

Funny, even though I have been in the middle of chaos for the last year, I have been getting calmer & finding some serenity through it all. In the past I would turn to hate & resentments to fill the void. Now I know I will get through it. This is just an end to this chapter in my life. It's an unusual feeling to have an inner peace with so much chaos surrounding me, but comforting. When I focus on myself & things I control (me), I don't get sucked into the $hit storm. I owe a great deal to ALANON & SR for getting me through this, but I also owe myself too. I no longer have to take responsibility for everything bad that happens in my world, only for things I am responsible for.

Sorry so long, but after 18 years together, I needed to reflect & I can think of no better place than here! So thank you for letting me ramble, I needed to let it go.
OhBoy
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Old 11-01-2012, 11:21 AM
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Wow, OhBoy, wow. I read this twice, and I'm amazed at how much of my life I see in this post of yours. Not to steal your thunder, because that is quite a story, but to tell you how much I see of me in that. I don't have time now to give details, but I wanted to say thanks for posting this. Thank you!

C-OH Dad
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Old 11-01-2012, 11:29 AM
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Thank you for sharing this. There is so much strength here. It is inspiring.
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Old 11-01-2012, 11:50 AM
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Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry things have turned out this way!!
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Old 11-01-2012, 12:09 PM
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OhBoy,

I am sure we can all see ourselves in your story.

Your heartfelt words are an affirmation.

Thanks for sharing.

Stay strong.

Sending you tons of suppport.
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Old 11-01-2012, 12:30 PM
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Thank you for sharing. ((HUGE HUG))
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Old 11-01-2012, 12:37 PM
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Thanks for sharing.

It makes me a little sad, I see alot of my story in yours.
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Old 11-01-2012, 12:42 PM
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Hi OhBoy,
I see a lot of myself in this story. It sucks to give all you can to a relationship where the other person refuses to work on themselves or do anything. divorce is a painful time but I hope you find some peace of mind through all of this.

-z
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Old 11-01-2012, 03:33 PM
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Thanks OhBoy! You gave me, as a newbie here, so much to identify with!
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Old 11-02-2012, 12:43 AM
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When I focus on myself & things I control (me), I don't get sucked into the $hit storm. I owe a great deal to ALANON & SR for getting me through this, but I also owe myself too. I no longer have to take responsibility for everything bad that happens in my world, only for things I am responsible for.

OhBoy- wow, you owe yourself a huge congratulatory clap!
So strong - thank you for sharing
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Old 11-02-2012, 03:06 AM
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From the other side, I'm here to tell you that it does get better. You're taking steps to salvage your sanity and in the near future you will be free from all the toxic drama and chaos that's been sucking the life out of you. You'll be fine.
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Old 11-02-2012, 04:19 AM
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My story is very similar to yours. I have been divorced 5 years and Alanon literally saved MY life. It took me years to get out because I had never learned boundaries. I grew up in an alcoholic/codependent home. It looked like normal for me until I realized I was miserable. I was going crazy. I was going down financially because of the alcoholic's choices. Today I am getting better. My XAH is probably one who will die from the disease. I loved him plenty but it was killing me. Best of luck living in the solution.
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Old 11-02-2012, 03:13 PM
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Good luck my friend and keep going to Alanon. It's as important now as it has ever been IMHO. It will also help you not replicate this relationship which is my biggest fear for myself if every single again.

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Old 11-02-2012, 06:39 PM
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Wow. Thanks for that, it is inspiring (and sad and happy and tragic and an education). I admire your strength and courage. One thing that really struck me was the "I did all I could."

That is something that was really important for me too. at the time. It's difficult to watch your loved one circle the drain, and for me it was nigh impossible to not try to stop that from happening. Like you, that led me to insanity, a change in personality, and constant resentments, which sucked my soul away.

It is interesting to see that the progression of our addictions to our loved ones seem to mirror the progression of our As' addictions.

Congratulations on breaking the cycle, and thank you so much for sharing your experience. (cyber-hug from cyber-stranger) to you.
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Old 11-02-2012, 08:24 PM
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Thank you for sharing this story. As others have said, I can identify so much with what you have written.
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Old 11-03-2012, 12:54 PM
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You are beautiful! What a heart. Now it's time to get back to your life. Find your peace, your center and your happiness. And never - ever give it away again.

It's a journey and I always think, at least for me, it's one I needed to learn otherwise I wouldn't have gone through it. You are ready now for a new adventure in your life - congratulations!
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Old 11-03-2012, 05:54 PM
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Thanks for sharing OhBoy. If no one has said to you in a while, I will say it: You did all you could. And if no one ever said thank you to you, I will. Thank you. Not for everything you did for her (which was amazing), but for just who you are. You began with the best of intentions, gave from your heart, and did the very best you could. And now, you are starting your journey of taking care of you. Bravo!
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Old 11-03-2012, 07:09 PM
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Oh Boy,

I'm the addict in my family, I'm also an ACOA and an ex-wife of an alcoholic, I've seen this disease from many views and agree with others, you've done everything you could. At this point, you need to let your wife feel the consequences of her choices, you've held her up for a long time and she won't get better unless you let her fall. More importantly, you deserve better, you sound like a wonderful person and you should be with someone who can see and value that. Good for you for moving on, I think we all understand how hard it is to feel happy about this decision, but I hope you will be at peace, it is the right thing do.

Best wishes
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