Am I in the Wrong?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Am I in the Wrong?
So I am new here and I am the ex wife of an addict. I want to share my story and maybe get some feedback.
I married my exhusband in March of 2008. When we married he was clean, sober and barley drank. He had addiction issues well before we got together and even spent some time in jail because of it. About a year and a half into our marriage and one little girl later he was laid off from his job. He looked for new work for the first few months but then began drinking and taking pain pills for the high...I am talking 6, 7, 8 at a time. He started lying to me about the smallest of things...it got so bad that i caught him trying to spend our last $20 on pills. He got content with hanging out at home drinking, getting high, and staying up all hours of the night while i worked my butt off to keep a roof over our heads. First of all, I was not raised like that...my dad ALWAYS did everything he could to make sure our family was taken care of, so i didnt understand how he thought all this was ok. Thats when all the resentment started. After leaving with my daughter for a night he finally got a job and started working, though i dont think the pill popping stopped. Finally after another year of lies here and there and arguing all the time I took my daughter and left our home to move in with my parents..he moved in with his grandma. I could never prove he was still doing any drugs so i continued to let him have visitation with our daughter who was 3 at the time. About 9 months after we left him he was in a horrible accident which he was able to walk away from and then ended up in jail for public intox of a substance. 3 weeks later he lost his job for hitting someone at work. Immediately i found a lawyer and filed for divorce. I had a temporary hearing that he didnt even show up to, which gave me sole conservatorship of our daughter and he was ordered to take a hair follicle drug test and have supervised visitation. That was in June and to this day he still has not taken the court ordered drug testing. I know he loves his daughter and she loves him more than anything but I WILL NOT have a drug addict around my daughter. The divorce was final at the beginning of this month and there are stipulations in the decree that require him to do drug testing and if he fails or misses three he loses all visitation. Hes told me he is still doing but wont tell me what and that he would fail the test if he took and that he is not going to take that chance. When i do take my child over there the house is a complete mess, hes pawned almost everything in the house..which im not sure if its because he hasnt worked in a few months or if its because hes supporting his habbit..hasnt paid but $150 to help take care of his child in 4 months..he lies about EVERYTHING and tells me its not as bad as i think it is and that he does what he does because he has a broken heart..i feel like he puts all the blame on me for taking his child away(which i havent, he can still see her but its on my terms)and divorcing him. He makes me feel horrible and i act very cold and distant to him. I dont trust him with our daughter, I dont believe anything he says. Am I wrong for doing what I've done..could it really not be as bad as hes saying...he always tells me he would never ever let anything happen to my daughter but i just dont believe him...i feel if hes using, coming down or whatever that he probably wont have any control on what hes doing with her. Sorry this is so long, i just dont know what to think or how to feel. I am NOT putting up with it anymore...i feel like he needs to get better before he can be a real dad! Anyways, thanks for reading!!
I married my exhusband in March of 2008. When we married he was clean, sober and barley drank. He had addiction issues well before we got together and even spent some time in jail because of it. About a year and a half into our marriage and one little girl later he was laid off from his job. He looked for new work for the first few months but then began drinking and taking pain pills for the high...I am talking 6, 7, 8 at a time. He started lying to me about the smallest of things...it got so bad that i caught him trying to spend our last $20 on pills. He got content with hanging out at home drinking, getting high, and staying up all hours of the night while i worked my butt off to keep a roof over our heads. First of all, I was not raised like that...my dad ALWAYS did everything he could to make sure our family was taken care of, so i didnt understand how he thought all this was ok. Thats when all the resentment started. After leaving with my daughter for a night he finally got a job and started working, though i dont think the pill popping stopped. Finally after another year of lies here and there and arguing all the time I took my daughter and left our home to move in with my parents..he moved in with his grandma. I could never prove he was still doing any drugs so i continued to let him have visitation with our daughter who was 3 at the time. About 9 months after we left him he was in a horrible accident which he was able to walk away from and then ended up in jail for public intox of a substance. 3 weeks later he lost his job for hitting someone at work. Immediately i found a lawyer and filed for divorce. I had a temporary hearing that he didnt even show up to, which gave me sole conservatorship of our daughter and he was ordered to take a hair follicle drug test and have supervised visitation. That was in June and to this day he still has not taken the court ordered drug testing. I know he loves his daughter and she loves him more than anything but I WILL NOT have a drug addict around my daughter. The divorce was final at the beginning of this month and there are stipulations in the decree that require him to do drug testing and if he fails or misses three he loses all visitation. Hes told me he is still doing but wont tell me what and that he would fail the test if he took and that he is not going to take that chance. When i do take my child over there the house is a complete mess, hes pawned almost everything in the house..which im not sure if its because he hasnt worked in a few months or if its because hes supporting his habbit..hasnt paid but $150 to help take care of his child in 4 months..he lies about EVERYTHING and tells me its not as bad as i think it is and that he does what he does because he has a broken heart..i feel like he puts all the blame on me for taking his child away(which i havent, he can still see her but its on my terms)and divorcing him. He makes me feel horrible and i act very cold and distant to him. I dont trust him with our daughter, I dont believe anything he says. Am I wrong for doing what I've done..could it really not be as bad as hes saying...he always tells me he would never ever let anything happen to my daughter but i just dont believe him...i feel if hes using, coming down or whatever that he probably wont have any control on what hes doing with her. Sorry this is so long, i just dont know what to think or how to feel. I am NOT putting up with it anymore...i feel like he needs to get better before he can be a real dad! Anyways, thanks for reading!!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Hi lovemydaugther3,
Thank you for sharing. I only dated my ex alcoholic bf and was not married so I can't relate to everything you said, but there are a few things I was able to relate to. My ex lied ALL the time. The only time he didn't lie, the only time I believed him was when he was 6 months sober. In the 3 years that I dated him, I was very skeptical of him over many, many things, but I kept letting things go. I wanted so badly to believe him. I commend you so much for leaving and for taking your daughter out of that situation. It is NOT easy to leave. In fact, leaving my ex alcoholic bf was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Leaving doesn't mean we don't love them and it doesn't mean we don't believe they are good people. Leaving means, at least to me, that we've accepted we cannot make them recover. We cannot control them, cannot force them to recover. We realize that we can't enable them. They definitely won't recover that way. Leaving them I think is the most courageous thing we can do for them and for ourselves and unfortunately they can't see that because they are thinking irrationally. They can't start to think irrationally until they are sober and we can't make them be sober. Leaving them means we do love them, means we love ourselves, it means you love your daughter, and so forth. Stay strong!
Thank you for sharing. I only dated my ex alcoholic bf and was not married so I can't relate to everything you said, but there are a few things I was able to relate to. My ex lied ALL the time. The only time he didn't lie, the only time I believed him was when he was 6 months sober. In the 3 years that I dated him, I was very skeptical of him over many, many things, but I kept letting things go. I wanted so badly to believe him. I commend you so much for leaving and for taking your daughter out of that situation. It is NOT easy to leave. In fact, leaving my ex alcoholic bf was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Leaving doesn't mean we don't love them and it doesn't mean we don't believe they are good people. Leaving means, at least to me, that we've accepted we cannot make them recover. We cannot control them, cannot force them to recover. We realize that we can't enable them. They definitely won't recover that way. Leaving them I think is the most courageous thing we can do for them and for ourselves and unfortunately they can't see that because they are thinking irrationally. They can't start to think irrationally until they are sober and we can't make them be sober. Leaving them means we do love them, means we love ourselves, it means you love your daughter, and so forth. Stay strong!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: dallas, tx
Posts: 15
Thank you! I am doing what I feel is the right thing even though its hard. I never thought I would be a 33 year old divorce single mom but it is what it is and I am doing the best I can!! Its nice to know youre not the only one dealing with this kind of thing. Thanks again for replying!! 
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
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I'm sure he never thought he would get in an accident or hit a coworker, either. I agree with everything mdkathy62 said, and would add that if in doubt, protecting your daughter should be the priority. Good luck, life sure doesn't bring us what we thought it would, does it? Take care!!
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Sueski,
No it doesnt!! My daughter is the center of my world and if anything happened to her that i could have help prevent i dont know what i would do. Everything i do is to protect her and it kills me because i do know how much she loves him and that she wants to see him...shes usually very happy but i know she misses seeing him more and its really hard on me. All he sees is me keeping her from him and telling me im purposely trying to hurt their relationship, he doesnt see that he needs to get help because he doesnt think its as bad as i say it is yet he wont just go take the drug test. I just dont know. i always said i wouldnt be that person but i will do EVERYTHING i can to protect her.
No it doesnt!! My daughter is the center of my world and if anything happened to her that i could have help prevent i dont know what i would do. Everything i do is to protect her and it kills me because i do know how much she loves him and that she wants to see him...shes usually very happy but i know she misses seeing him more and its really hard on me. All he sees is me keeping her from him and telling me im purposely trying to hurt their relationship, he doesnt see that he needs to get help because he doesnt think its as bad as i say it is yet he wont just go take the drug test. I just dont know. i always said i wouldnt be that person but i will do EVERYTHING i can to protect her.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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No problem lovemydaugther3. I used to constantly feel guilty and wrong when I was with my ex. I am learning now that he can't make me feel a certain way, although I'm sure he knew that certain things he did would, in fact, make me feel bad. Someone on SR told me, alcoholics have three types of people in their lives - enablers (supporters), "friends" (who will drink and drug with them), and scapegoats. I know I was a "supporter"/enabler for awhile and now I am a scapegoat. I imagine that's the general pattern for most of us who leave. The blame has to go somewhere and unfortunately it's us and not the disease itself. They can choose to be sober and not be consumed by the disease though and I wish they did =/
Try not to let his actions/words get to you because there will be PLENTY. Everytime I find myself feeling bad, wondering if my ex is out somewhere depressed, upset, etc, I remember all the things that I felt when I was with him. They can choose to be sober and be a part of our lives, right? They really can choose that if they truly wanted to.
Try not to let his actions/words get to you because there will be PLENTY. Everytime I find myself feeling bad, wondering if my ex is out somewhere depressed, upset, etc, I remember all the things that I felt when I was with him. They can choose to be sober and be a part of our lives, right? They really can choose that if they truly wanted to.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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It doesn't really matter what he says. He's addicted to drugs. He'll say anything so he can have his cake and eat it too. You are the only sane parent your daughter has.
Based on my experience (which sounds similar to yours) I stopped trying to encourage and create a relationship between my son and his father. I was taking on too much of the responsibility of ensuring that my son got to see his dad (who was using drugs and couldn't manage to keep a job or pass a drug test). I set a boundary that I would not allow someone who I suspected was on drugs to be around my child. And I enforced it. End of story. If my ex didn't like it he could follow up with an attorney... but he never did.
My only regret is that I didn't stop trying to support the relationship sooner.
I used to tell my son that Daddy loves him, but he is sick, his sickness causes him to make bad choices and until he decides to get help for his problems, we can't see him. Then I reasured him that I loved him and I would always be there for him, no matter what.
My son is seven now and I don't even bother with that explanation anymore. When he tells me that he misses his dad (it's been 3 years since he's seen him), I tell him that I'm sure he must feel so sad sometimes that he doesn't get to see his dad. I tell him that it's normal to feel that way. And that some people just aren't very good at being parents. ANd it's not his fault. That's just the way it is. Then I tell him how much I love him and I remind him of all the people actively in his life that love him. I also remind him that some day when he's a grown up, he'll be a really good father, and will be able to do all the things for his children that his father was never able to do for him, because he was addicted to drugs.
It seems to be working. My son is pretty well adjusted. He's sad about his dad but it doesn't hold him back from being a great kid with lots of friends and active in sports and schools.
We just take it one day at a time.
Based on my experience (which sounds similar to yours) I stopped trying to encourage and create a relationship between my son and his father. I was taking on too much of the responsibility of ensuring that my son got to see his dad (who was using drugs and couldn't manage to keep a job or pass a drug test). I set a boundary that I would not allow someone who I suspected was on drugs to be around my child. And I enforced it. End of story. If my ex didn't like it he could follow up with an attorney... but he never did.
My only regret is that I didn't stop trying to support the relationship sooner.
I used to tell my son that Daddy loves him, but he is sick, his sickness causes him to make bad choices and until he decides to get help for his problems, we can't see him. Then I reasured him that I loved him and I would always be there for him, no matter what.
My son is seven now and I don't even bother with that explanation anymore. When he tells me that he misses his dad (it's been 3 years since he's seen him), I tell him that I'm sure he must feel so sad sometimes that he doesn't get to see his dad. I tell him that it's normal to feel that way. And that some people just aren't very good at being parents. ANd it's not his fault. That's just the way it is. Then I tell him how much I love him and I remind him of all the people actively in his life that love him. I also remind him that some day when he's a grown up, he'll be a really good father, and will be able to do all the things for his children that his father was never able to do for him, because he was addicted to drugs.
It seems to be working. My son is pretty well adjusted. He's sad about his dad but it doesn't hold him back from being a great kid with lots of friends and active in sports and schools.
We just take it one day at a time.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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mdkathy62,
"Everytime I find myself feeling bad, wondering if my ex is out somewhere depressed, upset, etc, I remember all the things that I felt when I was with him. They can choose to be sober and be a part of our lives, right? They really can choose that if they truly wanted to."
This is exactly how i feel!! EXACTLY!! I guess from my standpoint I dont really understand the addiction as a disease...I feel like he should make the right choices and that he makes a sober choice to use. Why not make a sober choice not to use and be a better parent to your daughter?! UGH!!
"Everytime I find myself feeling bad, wondering if my ex is out somewhere depressed, upset, etc, I remember all the things that I felt when I was with him. They can choose to be sober and be a part of our lives, right? They really can choose that if they truly wanted to."
This is exactly how i feel!! EXACTLY!! I guess from my standpoint I dont really understand the addiction as a disease...I feel like he should make the right choices and that he makes a sober choice to use. Why not make a sober choice not to use and be a better parent to your daughter?! UGH!!
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Originally Posted by lovemydaugther3 
I WILL NOT have a drug addict around my daughter.
You have a boundary to protect your child. Well done.
Respect and enforce your boundary and avoid him and his place.
i feel like he puts all the blame on me for taking his child away....
His addiction took his child away.
I feel like he needs to get better before he can be a real dad!
It's your job to protect you child. I think you are doing quite well, all things considered.
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hello-kitty,
Your post made me tear up. The hardest thing is trying to explain to my daughter why she cant see her daddy more. Shes only 4, she doesnt understand...all she knows is that when she does see her daddy he buys her stuff and gets to be the fun parent. Its hard because I feel like she needs a dad but by no means will i force there to be a relationship if he is unwilling to help himself. I have my dad and my brother who can be upstanding male role models for her. i have many times where i feel horrible for leaving becuase i know deep down he has a good heart but i also think of all the mean and hurtful things hes said to me and even now espcially when it has to do with him not seeing his daughter when he wants. Its crazy, ive learned to know when he is actually coming down because he is the meanest person ive ever spoken to and then when hes normal and has a moment of clarity its all tears and heartache. Its just so so so hard!!
Your post made me tear up. The hardest thing is trying to explain to my daughter why she cant see her daddy more. Shes only 4, she doesnt understand...all she knows is that when she does see her daddy he buys her stuff and gets to be the fun parent. Its hard because I feel like she needs a dad but by no means will i force there to be a relationship if he is unwilling to help himself. I have my dad and my brother who can be upstanding male role models for her. i have many times where i feel horrible for leaving becuase i know deep down he has a good heart but i also think of all the mean and hurtful things hes said to me and even now espcially when it has to do with him not seeing his daughter when he wants. Its crazy, ive learned to know when he is actually coming down because he is the meanest person ive ever spoken to and then when hes normal and has a moment of clarity its all tears and heartache. Its just so so so hard!!
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People in active addiction or new to recovery are lousy parents. Drugs rewire the brain to protect and sustain addiction at any cost. Lies and manipulation are the tools used to protect and sustain addiction.
Your ex is not using at you or your child. It's not personal. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.
Protecting minor children from the chaos of addiction is compentent parenting.
No reason to feel guilty for doing your job.
Your ex is not using at you or your child. It's not personal. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.
Protecting minor children from the chaos of addiction is compentent parenting.
No reason to feel guilty for doing your job.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I don't think you've done a thing wrong. If anything, I think you're being awfully lenient. If he can't comply with the testing, I wouldn't allow my daughter to spend any time with him at all. Addicts make really crappy parents, and I think sometimes trying to string the parental relationship along for the sake of the child just ends up being harder on them than cutting ties for now and telling it to them straight (age appropriate, of course), like hello-kitty said.
I'm glad you're standing up for your daughter, from an adult child of alcoholic/addicted parents, thank you!!
I'm glad you're standing up for your daughter, from an adult child of alcoholic/addicted parents, thank you!!
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outtolunch,
Thank you...its good to hear that sometimes!! I am just going to keep doing what i am doing and be as strong as i can for my precious baby girl!! She's what keeps a smile on my face every single day!!
Thank you...its good to hear that sometimes!! I am just going to keep doing what i am doing and be as strong as i can for my precious baby girl!! She's what keeps a smile on my face every single day!!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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lovemydaugther3, I would definitely suggest continuing to read SR, even the sections for newcomes to recovery. I used to go with my ex a lot to his AA meetings, sometimes 3 times a week (he didn't have a car at the time) and I learned a lot. It didn't help me understand it any better, but I was able to kind of, sort of try to begin to understand this disease. Then, I went to Al-Anon and came to SR to the friends and family section. All of these things have saved me. I know for a fact that with SR, AA, and Al-Anon, I would very easily still be with my ex right now, but I've learned I can't change anything and I can't cure him.
The more I learn about everything, the less hurt I feel when he does try to guilt or shame me into giving him what he wants. The manipulation is real. While it might not be intentional, but the intent is to get their way and their way is to maintain the disease. The more you learn, the more it makes you numb to the pain, slowly but surely.
The more I learn about everything, the less hurt I feel when he does try to guilt or shame me into giving him what he wants. The manipulation is real. While it might not be intentional, but the intent is to get their way and their way is to maintain the disease. The more you learn, the more it makes you numb to the pain, slowly but surely.
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Its hard because I feel like she needs a dad but by no means will i force there to be a relationship if he is unwilling to help himself.
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Originally Posted by lovemydaugther3
outtolunch,
Thank you...its good to hear that sometimes!! I am just going to keep doing what i am doing and be as strong as i can for my precious baby girl!! She's what keeps a smile on my face every single day!!
Thank you...its good to hear that sometimes!! I am just going to keep doing what i am doing and be as strong as i can for my precious baby girl!! She's what keeps a smile on my face every single day!!
...and the strength you are exhibiting protecting your baby girl from
the horror of addiction is inspiring beyond words...
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Its hard because I feel like she needs a dad but by no means will i force there to be a relationship if he is unwilling to help himself.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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hello-kitty,
You are absolutely right..i guess i didnt look at it that way. I guess i kind of looked at like i didnt want my daughter to feel completely abandoned by her dad. I do tell her everyday, all the time how much I love her and I let her dad speak to her when he calls. It makes me sad because he will tell me hes the best dad and everyone knows it, that i am the only one that thinks hes a bad dad but not everyone knows what hes doing. Ive had many conversations with his mom and his mom just keeps telling me to keep doing what im doing because she DOES know whats going on. That helps to have her understanding even though thats her son.
You are absolutely right..i guess i didnt look at it that way. I guess i kind of looked at like i didnt want my daughter to feel completely abandoned by her dad. I do tell her everyday, all the time how much I love her and I let her dad speak to her when he calls. It makes me sad because he will tell me hes the best dad and everyone knows it, that i am the only one that thinks hes a bad dad but not everyone knows what hes doing. Ive had many conversations with his mom and his mom just keeps telling me to keep doing what im doing because she DOES know whats going on. That helps to have her understanding even though thats her son.
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Join Date: May 2006
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my question is always - if this person was not biologically related to your daughter - would you be so inclined to allow them to spend time with them ~
just because a person is related to a child does not mean they are the healthiest person to care for a child.
I truly believe we are not keeping a parent from a child - we make decisions to protect children from the ugiliness of this disease ~ I know that I did NOT do this in my home and my daughters suffered from it. I regret it and do my best to be a living amends to them now.
you have to decide what is healthy for her ~ I truly believe in time they will understand the full picture
Hopefully SR & maybe some al-anon meetings could help you with this process - I know it has helped me tremendously!
pink hugs,
just because a person is related to a child does not mean they are the healthiest person to care for a child.
I truly believe we are not keeping a parent from a child - we make decisions to protect children from the ugiliness of this disease ~ I know that I did NOT do this in my home and my daughters suffered from it. I regret it and do my best to be a living amends to them now.
you have to decide what is healthy for her ~ I truly believe in time they will understand the full picture
Hopefully SR & maybe some al-anon meetings could help you with this process - I know it has helped me tremendously!
pink hugs,
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It makes me sad because he will tell me hes the best dad and everyone knows it, that i am the only one that thinks hes a bad dad but not everyone knows what hes doing.
He's just a drug addict making excuses and doing what drug addicts do.
You are a good mom. Your the only real parent your daughter has, facing the tough choices that he's too high to face. Don't listen to his quacking.
There's no point really, in even discussing it with him.
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