November 2012...new start, new life :)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 57
November 2012...new start, new life :)
Hello....Hope today finds you all well and happy.
This is my first post....
I'm on Day 24... I detoxed on my own, cold turkey (along with cigarettes and sweets! Not sure that was wise). I hadn't planned to...hence why I didn't go to the doctor (I already see a cognitive behavioural therapist). I just had that 'lightbulb' moment 3wks ago....didn't plan it.....haven't touched a drop since. I didn't realise to detox so drastically was so dangerous. I shouldn't have read so much as it threw me into panic and my head was a mess for a week. I didn't sleep.
First few days were hard going. I was most worried about having a seizure as I've had a few in the past when I've partied for days without sleeping or food. Plenty of vodka and cocaine though. My poison over the last few years has been wine (I convinced myself I didn't have such a problem as I no longer pickled myself with vodka). Soooo, 3 bottles of wine a night.
Over the last few months (ok, years) I've woken up with the serious dread in my heart and tummy. Knowing I'm killing myself. My skin's itched, my eyes red, puffy grey face. Being sick (that's not normally bothered me). Felt schizophrenic......Miserable. And a pathetic excuse for a mum to my 7yr old daughter. Due to circumstances I live with my parents....which allowed me to drink more as I knew they would take care of my daughter, she was never in danger. I've felt a bit lost....my days have always been taken up with drinking and smoking. Staring at the wall. Full of guilt and self-hate. Resenting anything and anyone who got in the way of my drinking or even suggesting it's me and alcohol that is my 'problem.' ...I guess I was too scared to live, too scared to die.
Only today (day 24) do I feel peaceful, which is strange and new feeling to me.....am feeling weirdly ok in my own company (I usually hate it....will drink to avoid it). I feel I can leave the house and talk to people (briefly....until I talk myself in to panic!). I even slept last night!! I even ate a meal at a sensible time (I would usually eat past midnight, if at all....it takes up valuable room better used for alcohol. And I didn't want to sober up)
I have no excuse for my state...I had a wonderful upbringing and childhood. Went to Uni...have a fabulous family and wonderful daughter. I am blessed. BUT I've been drinking heavily since I was 15...then drugs. I'm now 37.
My brother killed himself November 2011 on Skype. He was a managing director and like me, a functioning alcoholic. It took him 10hrs to die. Splashed all over the newspapers. As the 1yr anniversary approaches, my anxiety is increasing ten fold....... and sadness. I HAVE to stay away from people and situations that could put me in the firing line.....
Anyway, pleased to meet you all. I hope I can be as much use to you as I'm sure you'll be able to help me.
I want this more than anything!!
Thank you for listening/reading my waffle.
Take care & I hope the sun is shining wherever you are
Kat xx
This is my first post....
I'm on Day 24... I detoxed on my own, cold turkey (along with cigarettes and sweets! Not sure that was wise). I hadn't planned to...hence why I didn't go to the doctor (I already see a cognitive behavioural therapist). I just had that 'lightbulb' moment 3wks ago....didn't plan it.....haven't touched a drop since. I didn't realise to detox so drastically was so dangerous. I shouldn't have read so much as it threw me into panic and my head was a mess for a week. I didn't sleep.
First few days were hard going. I was most worried about having a seizure as I've had a few in the past when I've partied for days without sleeping or food. Plenty of vodka and cocaine though. My poison over the last few years has been wine (I convinced myself I didn't have such a problem as I no longer pickled myself with vodka). Soooo, 3 bottles of wine a night.
Over the last few months (ok, years) I've woken up with the serious dread in my heart and tummy. Knowing I'm killing myself. My skin's itched, my eyes red, puffy grey face. Being sick (that's not normally bothered me). Felt schizophrenic......Miserable. And a pathetic excuse for a mum to my 7yr old daughter. Due to circumstances I live with my parents....which allowed me to drink more as I knew they would take care of my daughter, she was never in danger. I've felt a bit lost....my days have always been taken up with drinking and smoking. Staring at the wall. Full of guilt and self-hate. Resenting anything and anyone who got in the way of my drinking or even suggesting it's me and alcohol that is my 'problem.' ...I guess I was too scared to live, too scared to die.
Only today (day 24) do I feel peaceful, which is strange and new feeling to me.....am feeling weirdly ok in my own company (I usually hate it....will drink to avoid it). I feel I can leave the house and talk to people (briefly....until I talk myself in to panic!). I even slept last night!! I even ate a meal at a sensible time (I would usually eat past midnight, if at all....it takes up valuable room better used for alcohol. And I didn't want to sober up)
I have no excuse for my state...I had a wonderful upbringing and childhood. Went to Uni...have a fabulous family and wonderful daughter. I am blessed. BUT I've been drinking heavily since I was 15...then drugs. I'm now 37.
My brother killed himself November 2011 on Skype. He was a managing director and like me, a functioning alcoholic. It took him 10hrs to die. Splashed all over the newspapers. As the 1yr anniversary approaches, my anxiety is increasing ten fold....... and sadness. I HAVE to stay away from people and situations that could put me in the firing line.....
Anyway, pleased to meet you all. I hope I can be as much use to you as I'm sure you'll be able to help me.
I want this more than anything!!
Thank you for listening/reading my waffle.
Take care & I hope the sun is shining wherever you are
Kat xx
And congrats on 24 days sober.Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 57
I initially thought I may hopefully be a moderate drinker, have a glass of wine occasionally (say, on the anniversary of my brother's death). Having read other posts...I see not! I guess I need to admit to myself I can never ever have just the one drink....I even hate the taste of alcohol. I drink to get drunk.
I shall have to toast him with a healthy cocktail...he'd prefer me to do that anyway. I think he'd even be proud of me
I shall have to toast him with a healthy cocktail...he'd prefer me to do that anyway. I think he'd even be proud of me
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Welcome, Kat I'm glad you're here. I hope you find SR to be the fantastic source of wisdom and support that I have.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your brother. I think you are right to toast him with a non-alcoholic drink - I am sure he would be so proud of you for that.
Remember we're always here if you need us. Congratulations on your 24 days - I hope you are proud of yourself.
Wishing you all the best.
I'm glad you're here. I hope you find SR to be the fantastic source of wisdom and support that I have. I'm so sorry about the loss of your brother. I think you are right to toast him with a non-alcoholic drink - I am sure he would be so proud of you for that.
Remember we're always here if you need us. Congratulations on your 24 days - I hope you are proud of yourself.
Wishing you all the best.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,536
Welcome to the family KitKat. I'm sorry for all that you've been through. You are definitely doing the right thing by reclaiming your life and reaching out for better days. You don't need that stuff.
Not being alone made all the difference to me. My friends & family didn't get what I was going through and didn't really try to understand. Everyone here gave great advice and suggestions for when the going got tough. I hope you'll find the encouragement and support you're looking for.
Not being alone made all the difference to me. My friends & family didn't get what I was going through and didn't really try to understand. Everyone here gave great advice and suggestions for when the going got tough. I hope you'll find the encouragement and support you're looking for.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 57
Good morning
Wow...thank you all for your kindness and accepting me in to your support group. I am humbled and very grateful. More than you know.
I hope I don't talk about myself too much. There is a lot to my story and stuff I DO need to share at the right times. But I would like to impart any advice/knowledge I've gleaned along the way...should it be relevant to anyone. I wish the world would remember that help and kindness to fellow beings (human, animal....) doesn't take much and is very easy really. If you do it with a pure heart. Give more, expect less..
I have my brother's ex coming over for lunch. This would usually be a liquid lunch of wine, with cigarettes and gossip. Today we have soup, fresh bread and elderflower water! I'm in shock.....and find it almost unbelievable. All in just over 3 weeks, how things can change. Bizarre!!
Today I am going to stay sober. I wish the same for you. Sending you all love and light and once again, many thanks <3
Kat xxx
Wow...thank you all for your kindness and accepting me in to your support group. I am humbled and very grateful. More than you know.
I hope I don't talk about myself too much. There is a lot to my story and stuff I DO need to share at the right times. But I would like to impart any advice/knowledge I've gleaned along the way...should it be relevant to anyone. I wish the world would remember that help and kindness to fellow beings (human, animal....) doesn't take much and is very easy really. If you do it with a pure heart. Give more, expect less..
I have my brother's ex coming over for lunch. This would usually be a liquid lunch of wine, with cigarettes and gossip. Today we have soup, fresh bread and elderflower water! I'm in shock.....and find it almost unbelievable. All in just over 3 weeks, how things can change. Bizarre!!
Today I am going to stay sober. I wish the same for you. Sending you all love and light and once again, many thanks <3
Kat xxx
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
