My resolve is weakening
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
My resolve is weakening
Hi all,
I feel my post is so much less urgent than some that have been posted today. But I am feeling my resolve weakening and I need they type of support I get here.
STBXAH and I just had our first formal step in the divorce process. It was the case management conference that outlines the expectations of the case. Nothing is decided at this point and there is no testimony or back and forth. The judge just wants a sense of whether there is agreement on anything, if custody will be disputed, property to divide, protection orders in place....etc.
STBXAH is representing himself in the divorce but has an attorney for the protection order that's in place since he threatened to make our children "parentless."
Anyway, he is just peppering my attorney with emails. He's refusing to sign the agreement to let our short sale agreement attorney negotiate with the banks. He rescinded his "ok" to let me sell my unreliable car. Basically, he's just giving every indication that he is rip-roaring ready to fight, fight, fight. Instinctively (as a codie) I am feeling the urge to retreat, appease and make this conflict go away.
Sometimes I feel like I can do it - but when I'm in the middle of it and am at the receiving end of his agression (albeit indirect at the moment) - I just want to run away. I think I am even rationalizing - telling myself he'll be okay with the kids - maybe he can have unsupervised visits right off. Today I feel so off-course and without a rudder or map or wind in my sails to get me back where I need to be.
MamaKit
I feel my post is so much less urgent than some that have been posted today. But I am feeling my resolve weakening and I need they type of support I get here.
STBXAH and I just had our first formal step in the divorce process. It was the case management conference that outlines the expectations of the case. Nothing is decided at this point and there is no testimony or back and forth. The judge just wants a sense of whether there is agreement on anything, if custody will be disputed, property to divide, protection orders in place....etc.
STBXAH is representing himself in the divorce but has an attorney for the protection order that's in place since he threatened to make our children "parentless."
Anyway, he is just peppering my attorney with emails. He's refusing to sign the agreement to let our short sale agreement attorney negotiate with the banks. He rescinded his "ok" to let me sell my unreliable car. Basically, he's just giving every indication that he is rip-roaring ready to fight, fight, fight. Instinctively (as a codie) I am feeling the urge to retreat, appease and make this conflict go away.
Sometimes I feel like I can do it - but when I'm in the middle of it and am at the receiving end of his agression (albeit indirect at the moment) - I just want to run away. I think I am even rationalizing - telling myself he'll be okay with the kids - maybe he can have unsupervised visits right off. Today I feel so off-course and without a rudder or map or wind in my sails to get me back where I need to be.
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Do you have the option of doing nothing right now? Do you have to make any decisions immediately? Or can you wait things out and see what he actually does so you can make good decisions independent of the threats and dramatic stuff?
Hugs to you today!
Hugs to you today!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You can do this. Those are old patterns and responses playing back on cue, but that doesn't mean you have to pay attention to them. Your kids are your rudder, your safety is your map, and SR is the wind in your sails!
You can do this!
You can do this!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I agree with Florence.
Right now... the first thing you do is take a deep breath. And then another. And keep going until the fight or flight response calms down.
Give yourself a big fat time out - and go do something kind and gentle for yourself.
The angry words are meant to manipulate you and get you back into status quo. Don't let them work. It was SOOO hard for me in the beginning to detach from them - but it DID get easier. 11 months removed from it and I'm shocked and in awe at how well I stay off the merry-go-round.
Deep breaths. Stay the course. Don't react. Chill out and give yourself however much time you need to make the best decision for YOU. It doesn't matter how much someone DEMANDS of us - we only have do/give what works for US.
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers for strength!
Shannon
Right now... the first thing you do is take a deep breath. And then another. And keep going until the fight or flight response calms down.
Give yourself a big fat time out - and go do something kind and gentle for yourself.
The angry words are meant to manipulate you and get you back into status quo. Don't let them work. It was SOOO hard for me in the beginning to detach from them - but it DID get easier. 11 months removed from it and I'm shocked and in awe at how well I stay off the merry-go-round.
Deep breaths. Stay the course. Don't react. Chill out and give yourself however much time you need to make the best decision for YOU. It doesn't matter how much someone DEMANDS of us - we only have do/give what works for US.
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers for strength!
Shannon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
I guess I don't have to do anything right now or make any decisions. Why is it I forget that? 
I guess I know the answer. It is the fight or flight response. And is it ever powerful - whew. Even though we are not in direct contact and haven't been for months - he finds a conduit to continue the manipulation and intimidation. How do they get so skilled at this?
Thank you for your responses. I am taking lots of deep breaths.
I thought I was doing well not reacting....but really, I have been reacting -just not "in kind" or stooping to his level of behavior.
Thanks for putting some wind in my sails.
Hugs
MamaKit
I guess I know the answer. It is the fight or flight response. And is it ever powerful - whew. Even though we are not in direct contact and haven't been for months - he finds a conduit to continue the manipulation and intimidation. How do they get so skilled at this?
Thank you for your responses. I am taking lots of deep breaths.
I thought I was doing well not reacting....but really, I have been reacting -just not "in kind" or stooping to his level of behavior.
Thanks for putting some wind in my sails.
Hugs
MamaKit
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
please remember you have the inner strength to do this ~
you are teaching your children that they are worthy of healthy love, respect and dignity from everyone, including their parents.
what a beautiful gift ~
First things first
and then everything else can fall into place!
Pink Hugs!
you are teaching your children that they are worthy of healthy love, respect and dignity from everyone, including their parents.
what a beautiful gift ~
First things first
and then everything else can fall into place!
Pink Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
he's just giving every indication that he is rip-roaring ready to fight, fight, fight. Instinctively (as a codie) I am feeling the urge to retreat, appease and make this conflict go away.
My attorney took sort of a fatherly protective stance towards me. He said, "Don't even think about what you think you should do. Run everything by me, and we'll talk about it, and if it's something that's really uncomfortable and likely to get ugly, I'll take it. You don't just pay me for legal advice, you also pay me to be the lightening rod and take down some of the big thunder he'll throw at you."
I got to the point where I could get myself to not think. Just make a decision and stick to it. Come hell or high water. I was like a pitbull. I bit down and didn't let go, no matter what. It's an attitude that flies in the face of facing your fears and all that jazz, but at the time when all that mattered was getting through the divorce, it worked for me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Hang in there.
I can tell you that my STBXAH likes to throw out all sorts of ridiculousness. He makes plenty of outlandish accusations and threats, but so far he has acted on very little. I often want to jump in and react, (and sometimes I have...
) Take your time, if it doesn't have to have an immediate response, give yourself some time.
Watch his actions, stick to your guns. Do what is in your best interest and your children's.
You are smart and strong. Don't let his crazy run your life.
I can tell you that my STBXAH likes to throw out all sorts of ridiculousness. He makes plenty of outlandish accusations and threats, but so far he has acted on very little. I often want to jump in and react, (and sometimes I have...
) Take your time, if it doesn't have to have an immediate response, give yourself some time. Watch his actions, stick to your guns. Do what is in your best interest and your children's.
You are smart and strong. Don't let his crazy run your life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Mamakit, it is hard to stick by your guns if you let your emotions into your decision making process. Try to THINK about what you need for the future, talk to your attorney, make the decision based on his best counsel, then don't re-visit it unless you absolutely have to.
That way your feelings can rollercoaster as much as you need, but you won't get your decisions whipped around by your feelings.
I'm in the same situation right now, and sometimes I feel magnanimous, sometimes I feel very angry and punitive, especially when I had to do the Financial Affidavit and saw again his financial transgressions which were part of what led me to leave AH suddenly. I can get way too deep into being connected with all this, and I am much happier when I let it go and go about the rest of my life.
Right now I've reminded myself (with the help of my attorney) that all I need out of this divorce is as fair a settlement as soon as possible.
I saw my psychiatrist and he said that there is a voice of authority in the courtroom - the judge, and they don't like to be yanked around. He suggested that I see myself as a courtroom audience, and sit back and let the attorneys, my H, and the judge work it out. Your attorney should be tough enough to take on your AH's nonsense and buffer you from it; that's what you're paying him to do. If he can't, get a tougher attorney.
What Lillamy just said is great:
My attorney took sort of a fatherly protective stance towards me. He said, "Don't even think about what you think you should do. Run everything by me, and we'll talk about it, and if it's something that's really uncomfortable and likely to get ugly, I'll take it. You don't just pay me for legal advice, you also pay me to be the lightening rod and take down some of the big thunder he'll throw at you."
I got to the point where I could get myself to not think. Just make a decision and stick to it. Come hell or high water. I was like a pitbull. I bit down and didn't let go, no matter what. It's an attitude that flies in the face of facing your fears and all that jazz, but at the time when all that mattered was getting through the divorce, it worked for me.
When you think about it, why is it even necessary for your attorney to pass on all these nonsense upsetting e-mails to you anyway? Can't he just handle it and take the heat and protect you? Maybe a conversation with your attorney about that will help. He may not know how you're reacting, and it might lead him to handle this with a different strategy.
Anyway, unfortunately, you have many comrades here in this kind of nonsense charade; keep the faith! And this IS urgent! Come back whenever you need us!
ShootingStar1
That way your feelings can rollercoaster as much as you need, but you won't get your decisions whipped around by your feelings.
I'm in the same situation right now, and sometimes I feel magnanimous, sometimes I feel very angry and punitive, especially when I had to do the Financial Affidavit and saw again his financial transgressions which were part of what led me to leave AH suddenly. I can get way too deep into being connected with all this, and I am much happier when I let it go and go about the rest of my life.
Right now I've reminded myself (with the help of my attorney) that all I need out of this divorce is as fair a settlement as soon as possible.
I saw my psychiatrist and he said that there is a voice of authority in the courtroom - the judge, and they don't like to be yanked around. He suggested that I see myself as a courtroom audience, and sit back and let the attorneys, my H, and the judge work it out. Your attorney should be tough enough to take on your AH's nonsense and buffer you from it; that's what you're paying him to do. If he can't, get a tougher attorney.
What Lillamy just said is great:
My attorney took sort of a fatherly protective stance towards me. He said, "Don't even think about what you think you should do. Run everything by me, and we'll talk about it, and if it's something that's really uncomfortable and likely to get ugly, I'll take it. You don't just pay me for legal advice, you also pay me to be the lightening rod and take down some of the big thunder he'll throw at you."
I got to the point where I could get myself to not think. Just make a decision and stick to it. Come hell or high water. I was like a pitbull. I bit down and didn't let go, no matter what. It's an attitude that flies in the face of facing your fears and all that jazz, but at the time when all that mattered was getting through the divorce, it worked for me.
When you think about it, why is it even necessary for your attorney to pass on all these nonsense upsetting e-mails to you anyway? Can't he just handle it and take the heat and protect you? Maybe a conversation with your attorney about that will help. He may not know how you're reacting, and it might lead him to handle this with a different strategy.
Anyway, unfortunately, you have many comrades here in this kind of nonsense charade; keep the faith! And this IS urgent! Come back whenever you need us!
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Mama, I am so glad you posted.
Everyone who has posted has said all that I could have thought to have said and more. These forum members have your back.
All I want to say, is that for me, what I finally learned after an agonizingly long time was continuing to put my finger on that burner cause self inflicted wounds, it was just more of the same, and it does not take long.
Keep going, as they say here on SR more will be revealed, he is not done trying to devastate you , but he is also not strong enough to take you down, you made sure of that.
We care about you and all you are going through, keep posting.
love to you Katie
Everyone who has posted has said all that I could have thought to have said and more. These forum members have your back.
All I want to say, is that for me, what I finally learned after an agonizingly long time was continuing to put my finger on that burner cause self inflicted wounds, it was just more of the same, and it does not take long.
Keep going, as they say here on SR more will be revealed, he is not done trying to devastate you , but he is also not strong enough to take you down, you made sure of that.
We care about you and all you are going through, keep posting.
love to you Katie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
((((Mama))))
It's so easy to get sucked back into the drama. My exah used to push my buttons...and I would push back...and a struggle would ensue...and I felt threatened and challenged and disrespected and I would come out swinging blindly... It was an insidious pattern and it takes time to break the pattern and learn new ways of NOT reacting and NOT engaging. Step out of the ring. Let your lawyer handle as much as possible. Put your energy into YOUR recovery... It's going to be okay because you are one helluva strong woman and your kids are lucky to have you. Take a deep breath and believe it's going to work out just fine...because it will...it just will.
It's so easy to get sucked back into the drama. My exah used to push my buttons...and I would push back...and a struggle would ensue...and I felt threatened and challenged and disrespected and I would come out swinging blindly... It was an insidious pattern and it takes time to break the pattern and learn new ways of NOT reacting and NOT engaging. Step out of the ring. Let your lawyer handle as much as possible. Put your energy into YOUR recovery... It's going to be okay because you are one helluva strong woman and your kids are lucky to have you. Take a deep breath and believe it's going to work out just fine...because it will...it just will.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Hi MamaKit,
You are doing great! I am catching up on posts and just wanted to throw my 2 cents in. My first husband was a controlling, abusive person of the 1st caliber of abusers. When I sued for divorce, he fought and fought. It finally got soooo expensive that I couldn't even try anymore and that was with my attorney being VERY kind with her fees (I think because she felt so bad for me having to deal with him). We are talking years of trying.
I finally gave up. We had a custody order in place and child support (which was a joke because he claimed he was poverty stricken, when in fact he was a contractor and just hid his money really well). But those parts were settled. He just would not sign any kind of separation agreement. So I detached completely with the exception of the court ordered visitation per the custody agreement.
Guess what happened? After about a year, HE decided that he wanted a divorce! I told him that I could not afford another round of what we had the last time and that if he wanted one, he would have to pay for it all. Otherwise, I was fine with leaving things as they were. (I wasn't really, I really wanted a divorce, but I could not afford the whole thing again financially and emotionally.) So, it turned out that he wanted the divorce so bad (he wanted to remarry) that he actually paid my attorney to file and complete the whole thing!
So, I hope you will just listen to your gut. If you feel you should keep fighting it out to get it done, go for it. You have so much more strength than you know and seems like you have a good lawyer. But I only share my story so that you can see that even if you put some things on hold, it doesn't automatically mean it turns out badly later--it actually turned out better for me. Hang in there, you are doing great!
You are doing great! I am catching up on posts and just wanted to throw my 2 cents in. My first husband was a controlling, abusive person of the 1st caliber of abusers. When I sued for divorce, he fought and fought. It finally got soooo expensive that I couldn't even try anymore and that was with my attorney being VERY kind with her fees (I think because she felt so bad for me having to deal with him). We are talking years of trying.
I finally gave up. We had a custody order in place and child support (which was a joke because he claimed he was poverty stricken, when in fact he was a contractor and just hid his money really well). But those parts were settled. He just would not sign any kind of separation agreement. So I detached completely with the exception of the court ordered visitation per the custody agreement.
Guess what happened? After about a year, HE decided that he wanted a divorce! I told him that I could not afford another round of what we had the last time and that if he wanted one, he would have to pay for it all. Otherwise, I was fine with leaving things as they were. (I wasn't really, I really wanted a divorce, but I could not afford the whole thing again financially and emotionally.) So, it turned out that he wanted the divorce so bad (he wanted to remarry) that he actually paid my attorney to file and complete the whole thing!
So, I hope you will just listen to your gut. If you feel you should keep fighting it out to get it done, go for it. You have so much more strength than you know and seems like you have a good lawyer. But I only share my story so that you can see that even if you put some things on hold, it doesn't automatically mean it turns out badly later--it actually turned out better for me. Hang in there, you are doing great!
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