Synfull Vyxun

Well to start off with, I messaged my ex the other day and told him my aunty is going to lend me some money and we chatted for a bit, I told him if we do get back together when I get home that I don't want to rush things. Last time we were together, we were young and I had just got out of an abusive relationship where the guy cheated on me and got another girl pregnant. So I had trust issues, and thought the ex was cheating on me, we moved in together too fast and I was always snooping through his stuff to see if he was cheating, I did find a couple of messages on the internet but nothing substantial. In the end I left and moved here to England for a fresh start and to help my mother with her Fybromyalgia.
I wish I never left. We have always been in contact and still have feelings for each other.

Anyway yesterday I get a message from ex's ex girlfriend and mother of his baby, saying she has hacked his facebook account, and saw messages between us. They broke up a couple of months ago, so I do not see what it has to do with her. She said, I am welcome to the ex but not to play happy families with HER son, she wasn't nasty or using abusive language or anything, she told me he cheated on her at least 3 times she knows of for sure, and even the night before she had their baby!!
I now have serious doubts, he also said he wanted to propose to me as soon as I got into the airport, she said he tried that with her to, that he was a gonna do-er. always saying but I was going to do that, my A mother does that, so I can't guilt trip her, I think. Not that I would, that is her forte.
So then after reading this message, I haven't messaged her back, I understand where she is coming from and I don't want her son, that would just be strange, I do want my own children. I don't want to get involved, I have enough on my plate with being here and just trying to get home.
A mother was meant to be going on a date today, finally found out details last night as she cried to me expecting sympathy. Turns out the guy, Tom, booked a hotel for the night in oxford and got concert tickets to see a scottish band. So the night before last his ex wife found out Tom had moved on and was seeing mother, they have been seen drinking in our pub together, and rumors spread like wildfire round here. Tom was apparently in his house, and his 16 year old daughter has just moved from Ireland to live with him, the ex wife and son apparently came round, started smashing the place up. tom and the son got into a fight and got arrested, tom is very highly regarded in the army.( so mother tells me, but so is the guy that headbutted me in the bar because I wouldn't sleep with him. My mother believes everything she is told lately.)

So last night she wanted a shoulder to cry on, after saying all these nasty things about me on the weekend, they still run through my head when I look at her, so could hardly be her shoulder to cry on last night, but I went down, sat with her, listened to what she had to say.
She said tom had told her he couldn't go away now, with all this happening, so she should take me, I am sick and cannot travel in a car, let alone go to a concert!!! Plus I don't want to go anywhere with her, and she never does anything with me anymore, she goes on holidays with her best friend, they do everything together, so I said to take her, as I was not well enough to go, but she said that her friend was working tonight so couldn't go, she never works nights and I bet she is not working tonight, mother was drunk, had been drinking all afternoon, to be fair I shouldn't have talked to her at all. It's not like her friend couldn't swap shifts, she always rings mum and says she wants to stay home and watch tennis and would I do her shift for her, I used to say yes until this particular time, she can't not work, or just not do her shift because the tennis is on, we have a tv in the bar, there is no excuse!!! But she is mothers best friend and they do anything and everything for each other.
She gave me the guilt trips saying she just wants us to get on like we used to, she wants me to go out and find a job and live a happy life here with her, she said as I walked out that she had text tom and said I was being miserable and wouldn't go with her, I nearly snapped and shouted at her that I am sick and why does she want to take me anyway, but I refrained myself, and I am very proud of myself for this. Whenever we argue, she ignores me for about a week, and there is such tension in the house and she drinks a lot more, and it is all my fault apparently!!!! I know now this is not the case.
Before I walked out of her room, she asked me if I would come with her this morning to a cafe and meet him, (as everyone keeps asking what I think of him and mother is apparently sad that I haven't met him yet.) I really don't want to, just another random man in her bed, like it used to be when dad left. We lived in a pub then too. She of course denies it all.
I think she would have made me pretend that I was going with her, so he didn't feel bad or something, she does this. As he has payed for it all, she tried guilt tripping me, so I think there was only one reason for wanting me to meet him this morning.
I was up early this morning not to go with them, I refused, but mother was gone and so was the dog, the car is still here though, so god knows where she has gone, its raining and miserable so don't think they are walking?!?!?!?
I have just heard her come home, hopefully she doesn't ask me again today if I want to go, I bit my tongue last night, as it was about midnight and didn't want to argue anymore, and be told everything is all my fault. She asked me so many times and I just kept saying no, and she was crying and texting him. Today I may say something I regret.
It is just so frustrating, I hope my aunty gets to the bank soon to lend me money to get out of here. ;-(

Mracoa

Yikes!

Yeah, you need to get out of there. I'll pray your aunt comes through for you quickly.

Regarding the boyfriend back home. Be wary. Even though the prospect of being alone may be scary, I highly suggest it. At least for a year or two.

I jumped straight from dysfunctional home life to married life (aka building my own dysfunctional family). I buried my problems and stuffed my feelings. 20 years later I'm reaping what I sowed. It's workable, but difficult. It's much harder to figure out who you are, when you are a 'we' with someone else. And I had complete trust and faith in my partner (at least until the last couple of years when she crapped on that trust).

A year or two of thearapy, find a good group you can share with. Then, once you think you are ready, wade back into the dating pool. You will be much better prepared, and have a chance for a healthy relationship. I don't know this guy, or if any of what his ex says is true. But the fact he is a baby daddy, hasn't seen you in a while and suddenly wants to propose the moment he sees you is a big, huge, glowing red flag. The only explanation I can think of for acting like that is he either has issues of his own, or is a predetor. Either way, not good for you. If you love the guy. Set some boundries. Date him, don't live with him. Limit it to 1 or 2 dates per week, no over nights. Give yourself some space to figure out who you are. If he loves you back he will give you that space. If he gets angry and demanding, ask yourself why? Why wouldn't he want you to be healthy and whole, and have respect for youself? Watch the actions, don't listen to the words. Actions are what counts in life.

And as far as discussiosn with you mother. I suggest....
Unless you are a good actress. Then play like life is grand. Do what you need to survive with sanity in place till you are on the plane back home.

Kialua

Hang tight. And don't let anyone else know your plans. This ex of yours and his ex may leak it to who knows who or call who knows when.

Now that your ex has a kid, it's not very likely things will work out and if they do you have this kid AND the woman in your life for the rest of your life. Kids are forever, good bad or whatever.

But if you keep reading your books you will see that contacting your ex was not a safe idea. This really has to be YOU time. You have been through a lot and no knight in shining armor is going to be equipped to deal with your healing right now. What MrThekla said is right, go it alone for a year or two and find strength in you. There is a whole new life and world waiting for your. Don't walk into the old one.

Maylie

It sounds like you need to move far from everyone
and just start fresh.

Anytime a potenial BF had an ex that was
contacting me saying things I always just
moved on. He has a child with her, so if you
were to marry your BF she would be part of
your life forever. Could you handle that?

I really hope your aunt comes through
for you, it sounds like everyday is a constant
struggle with your mom.

Stay strong!

Jody675

this guy sounds like someone id stay well clear of. ask yourself why you dont deserve someone better? the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. who knows if this girl is for real (she hacked into his account for goodness sake) but maybe she doesnt want anyone to go through what she did. either way...this guy sounds like a lot of drama, and that is something that he is feeding off. maybe though you like the same type of drama in your life too. and thats why you are attracted to him?

go find someone who is nicer, and go work on yourself and forget him.

Synfull Vyxun

Thanks guys, this is what I have been thinking, his mother is like a second (first) mother to me, she has just been diagnosed with cancer and wants me there to help support them and stuff, but I cant really support myself yet, so as you all have said I think I will keep my distance, Australia is a big country and my aunty offered to help me get me a job where she lives, and she will be a big help I think, plus being in the middle of nowhere, will be peacefull, give me time to find myself, sort my head out and start a whole new life, and there will be no phone signal so I can ring the mother and second mother and anyone else if and when I want to.
I also agree going a few years with no relationships, I do need me time.
I just didn't know what to do this morning, it was all on top of me again. The mother hasn't gone out on her date, but is sat in the bar drinking as usual.
She was giving me more guilt trips today, so I took her dog and we went for a long walk round the park, nearly killed me as I am still sick, but she is so neglected and I can talk to her and she doesn't argue with me. But on a good note, since I have been sick, I have learnt to knit and the orders are coming in thick and fast and payment upfront!! so this will all help to getting home, I am putting all this money away and not spending it. Thank you everyone, I check my bank daily at least twice to see if the money is in yet, I am throwing all my junk out, getting ready for a fresh start and only taking my acoa books and this website with me. New life, new me.

Kialua

BTW, love your avatar have you heard the song? Very appropriate for your life. We were to meant to live for so much more and you will.

I saw them perform live. Here is youtube of them, (not the time I saw them)
Swithchfoot-meant to live(for so much more) - YouTube

tromboneliness

Sounds like you're in good shape to get out!

It's important to keep in mind that the ol' geographical cure, in and of itself, doesn't give you a fresh start. This is the voice of experience -- I've lived on the east coast, midwest, southwest, and now I'm back in the northeast... and the funny thing is, my brain came along with me, the whole way! So did my ACA issues, personality traits, Laundry List, and a lot of other things.

When my wife and I moved from the Midwest to the Southwest, we were both in recovery for a few years -- and we thought long and hard about whether we were "running away" from our problems, hoping for a geographical cure, etc. We eventually decided that we weren't, and went ahead with the move.

As it turned out, we did escape from suburbia (where we were total misfits), but it certainly wasn't a brand new start -- I think that's impossible. We are our experiences, and those stay with us forever. What we do about it is up to us -- that's why we go to meetings, read the literature, work the program, sit down with a sponsor and do the legwork, go see therapists, and learn to set boundaries and break the cycle of old habits and fears. So my own ESH™ (Experience, Strength, and Hope) is that no matter where you go... there you are! I can certainly remove myself from the proximate cause of the present drama -- but I still have to keep working on myself, working the program however it works for me, and generally own my past experience.

As my favorite program speaker (might as well give proper credit -- that would be John MacDougall) once said, "Your dark past is the greatest possession you have." That's certainly true for me -- without it, I'd never have learned all the invaluable lessons I've gotten out of this whole illness/recovery experience. By looking back, I not only see how far I've come, but can see how much better I cope, day to day, with the things life throws at me. Or even if I don't cope that well, at least I understand what's happening a lot better than I used to, just blundering from one bad, out-of-control life situation to the next. To make it a twofer on the MacDougall quotes, he also said, "I want to lead my life -- not follow it around hoping it'll get better...."

T

Kialua

I very much wanted the "geographical cure", to leave my hometown and all my siblings and parents. Leave them and have my own life. If I was going to be ostracized I might as well not be here. Get as far away from them as I could. But it never happened, my husband never wanted to leave his family and in truth, why should he. We even had job offers in Hawaii that we turned down. I would have like to have moved on and created a new life for myself. Still wish I had. But I understand that it is sometimes just moving the problem. I think for renegayd, she is going home, not really running away. Going back to the familiar and the known. Leaving the drama, but the taking the trauma with. That is why it's so important to keep working the program because like tromboneliness said, the hurt stays with us till we work it out.

NWGRITS

Moving 3,000 miles away from home certainly alleviated some of the day-to-day stress, but it didn't cure me of my family or my issues. My ACoA traits still came along, as did the learned behaviors where family was concerned. I was still able to be shot through the heart with their words. I still thought I was nothing, useless, and a bad mother. Now that I've gone NC with AM and detached from the rest of the family, I'm devoting my life to Al-Anon and my little family here. That's been the key to recovery, aided by not being in the toxic home environment anymore. I wish you much luck getting away, but don't forget that you still need to work on yourself even after you move.

Rosiepetal

Yes time for yourself sweetie, time to work on getting well & finding yourself. Relationships can come at later date when you are ready,
Bigs hugs to you.