Me, my brain, alcohol and antidepressants
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Quebec, Canada
Posts: 15
Me, my brain, alcohol and antidepressants
It’s my first time here, though I read some slices of life to help me to get out of my joy ride in hell, in other words, I was a lurker. I know this is some long confession, a part of my redemption too, but I wrote it in my first days of sobriety to “serialize” my feelings. I thought that it could be an idea to share it, if somebody can recognize itself. I know this forum is about alcoholism, but I will discuss my mental health issues because they are strongly linked. I saw threads about this subject and in some point this post will be redundant, but I think it is very important to talk about this, because lives are being destroyed quotidianly, and I’m sure, without really knowing the hows or whys. Thanks to the Internet forums, the sharing of personal stories and scientific knowledge, I have a better idea of what’s going on. Please note that I will use “I” very often because it is a very personal text.
It is really difficult in time to spot the moment where alcohol consumption goes from controlled to uncontrolled. For me, it went from social and occasional to a way to spare me from the sad and traumatic events (that occurred too often in the last years), a way to drink till we don’t feel feelings anymore (Peter Griffin quote) and a way to be able to feel those feelings. An artificial way to be able to socialise and in the finality, a way to override depression, sadness and solitude. At this point, nothing is fun without alcohol, life without it is unbearable and everyday is an obsession for the next abuse that seems soft like velvet and better than any orgasm ever had. A moment where all the pressure, anxiety, madness and all those dark feelings are annihilated.
It went for me about 24 to 36 5.5% beers at every weekends for almost now, two or three years. With time, I refused myself strong liquors because it was 100% sure that I would lost control. Just with beer, I would keep control at about 75% in my binge weekends. But, this is when in this story that antidepressants comes into balance.
Flashback, I always been a shy, introverted person whose social contact and activities have been more rare than a “normal person” and I was living with a strong social anxiety and very low self esteem. For sure school and everyday life had not helped but this is another story. In my late teen / young adult years, this is when my behavior became, in most times, in a solitary situation, full of suicidal thoughts, I felt like crap, rejected, no good for anybody. The only outlet was with my few friends sharing maybe not suicidal, but dark and extreme thoughts and when I could drink alcohol and listen to music to f**k the pain away.
Without energy, no ambitions, no hopes and the most cynical vision of life, with a heart full of hate, anger, distress and less self esteem than ever, this is when I have the “chance” to consult a psychiatrist (I say chance because I live in a province where psychiatric help is nearly impossible to obtain.) Finally, I get Luvox (fluvoxamine) 150mg everyday before bed prescribed. Some times later, that seems too light, 300mg, yepetiyep. Some months have passed but I was still low on energy, sad but functional and I got Wellbutrin XL prescribed, one cap in the morning everyday. By the time, I paid big price to complete studies in software development in a private school and I got a job.
Still I was functional, the word functional is really important here. My mood have been stabilized in a state where the suicidal thoughts are less present, where social anxiety and obsessive ideas are foggy, so that I can’t distinguish the monster lurking. Do I feel much better ? Not really. The dark thoughts are still there, the very low self esteem (unable to give myself a quality) and the lack of social life and the interest for it is real low too. But still, I’m functional, that’s correct this way. I just need to function, no need to enjoy life.
Or, maybe. If I drink a good amount of alcohol and listen to music, mostly progressive while surfing the web or listening to a video clip, life’s good. Without the tools and the material to enjoy life and the chemical stuff as well in my brain with it’s secondary effects, my gosh, those drunk times were tremendous. I was just like a zombie hungry for brains. God please, let this week finish to make my own personal party. The wheel began to turn. Also, I made a girlfriend in those times, I was happy and my world semt to change till I realized she’s an alcoholic. Caged in a relation in which I was dependant too, I was torn, and, the wheel began to turn faster.
The relation with her was unsupportable, (I don’t blame her, I chose myself to drink more to get my space.) Going to work was painful, even if I had good conditions. I always spent money on a ton of gadgets to live some happiness. I made bankruptcy. The situation was worse than ever, and the suicidal thoughts were heavily back. My mental stability was at it’s lowest in all my life. I just made it worse by drinking beer everydays, even while driving, and this when I began to drink to pass out. And one time, while driving erratically, no inhibition to control me, I fulfilled one of my recent fantasy, pass out for the last time while crashing my car in an overpass (it was an intrusive idea, a way to get out) and I crashed my car in a cement block at 165kmh. F**k, I survived. I didn’t killed anybody, I am the most lucky ******* in the world (I would have killed myself thereafter.)
I spent two months in psychiatry. In this time I got a three weeks withdraw of my meds where I’ve been told from my best friend that I seemed to feel better than ever. Finally, my doctor took the case in hand and gave me, in a one shot deal, the same meds (300mg of Luvox and 1 cap of Wellbutrin XL everyday) plus Lithium at 450mg a day. Thereafter, I spent three months caged at my parents, totally sober. Their presence was lovely and I love my parents very much but was I Happy ? At least I had an an obsession for my computer stuff and I was less obsessed by the idea of drinking.
I moved in town, a DUI on my case, thankful for the public transportation. I got the chance to get my job back and returned, functional, with the challenge of a second chance, chance that I wasn’t ready to take. I still needed my binge drinking weekends. I still hadn’t the tools to enjoy life, the esteem lower than ever. Some bad news happened too, my ex-girlfriend died in her sleep of an alcohol intoxication, two weeks later one of my beloved pet companion died (it seems banal but in the situation it meant a lot.) My only reason to live was to feed my two other pets (and the new one) and to successfully finish the current mandate I was on, to get at least, a little self esteem.
My state of mind was catastrophic, I had to take 24 to 36 5.5% beers the weekend to get a little happiness. Some wednesdays a good six to twelve. Why did I have to drink that much ? That’s when I began to pass out a hard time. A dangerous state of mind that made suffer my friends and family in the most hurtful way. In this state, I become violent, incoherent, mad, sexually depraved with absolutely no inhibition, carefree, reckless and this is not in a party way, but in a crazy way, the G.G. Allin way. And it is the total blackout. It’s when I’m told the next day that I know what I did. This is the worst situation that can happen. And with my current med mix, there is no way to know how much alcohol I need to have a feeling and with how much I will blackout. The margin is very low and in this state, there is no way to regain reality. This is how I lost respect from my friends, and how I gave a hard time to the unconditional love of my family. And it is until recently.
If I’m not in a party it’s the binge drinking on Facebook. I do my best to keep control, but it’s the same. Sometimes I lost control and the day after, I’m nothing but anxiety. Sometimes I had to get drunk to look at the past posts because I hadn’t the courage if I was clean.
So after some very bad events, my family encouraged me to do a psychotherapy. This is where and how so slowly, hardly I begin to learn how to live. Where I learn to replace all this anger and need of self-destruction with the hard task of focusing on positive things. This is the help I needed a long time ago. I slowly learn to respect myself and have positive thoughts about other people. And this is where I am today. I ask myself, if I had that chance to develop a positive image about myself and be teached how to like people in society, if I learnt how to make a little fun in life without alcohol, would I need all those meds now ? Nobody knows how the combination of the three meds works in my brain currently. You can use ammonia to clean out a floor, as well as bleach, but both ? Those meds haven’t been tested in a separate way and I think this is just unethical and dangerous. That is a concern that I have to solve.
But for now, I have achieve the biggest battle of my life. I have those meds in my brain and even if my case is evaluated by another psychiatrist I probably will have one of those meds. Maybe there will be less secondary effects in my life but there is still a thing that I won’t be able to do.
The worst blackout in my life happened recently. Terribly awful, the shame of my life. I tried to condition myself to get control over my drinking, but if I drink one I drink ten because there is no other way to get a feeling. This is why I made some researches about SSRI and alcohol and apparently, it decreases the sensibility to alcohol, making it difficult to gage the state of intoxication, even with the Wellbutrin that is not a SSRI. There is a strong correlation with drinking problems and those meds. The blackout stories that we can read are scary. With lithium, one beer, one cup of wine sometimes, that’s it that’s all. But, those altogether, in my case, this is Chernoshima.
The battle of my life. The way I enjoyed a Pink Floyd album with booze, going to a show, with booze, nachos and booze, bbq and booze, one day at a time, I have to say no to those delicacies, because of a state in which I don’t know if it is alcoholism or effects of medication. While I write those lines, it’s my third day. I feel anxious as always and I can’t take booze to calm down. Sports are good, but this is no Floyd booze. I feel pain, that was a great part of my life. This is the bereavement of my outlet, I have to replace it for something I don’t know and that I have to work hard to obtain.
I have to choose between life and death. I have been driven by death so many years. I have to choose between the easy isolation, fall and death or the difficult hope of a sober recovered brightful, active and social life. I still try to convince that I drank my last beer, but, I have to translate this brilliant saying, there it is literally, the “Olde Beef Theory” : we have to apply the Olde Beef Theory, one cow at a time.
It is really difficult in time to spot the moment where alcohol consumption goes from controlled to uncontrolled. For me, it went from social and occasional to a way to spare me from the sad and traumatic events (that occurred too often in the last years), a way to drink till we don’t feel feelings anymore (Peter Griffin quote) and a way to be able to feel those feelings. An artificial way to be able to socialise and in the finality, a way to override depression, sadness and solitude. At this point, nothing is fun without alcohol, life without it is unbearable and everyday is an obsession for the next abuse that seems soft like velvet and better than any orgasm ever had. A moment where all the pressure, anxiety, madness and all those dark feelings are annihilated.
It went for me about 24 to 36 5.5% beers at every weekends for almost now, two or three years. With time, I refused myself strong liquors because it was 100% sure that I would lost control. Just with beer, I would keep control at about 75% in my binge weekends. But, this is when in this story that antidepressants comes into balance.
Flashback, I always been a shy, introverted person whose social contact and activities have been more rare than a “normal person” and I was living with a strong social anxiety and very low self esteem. For sure school and everyday life had not helped but this is another story. In my late teen / young adult years, this is when my behavior became, in most times, in a solitary situation, full of suicidal thoughts, I felt like crap, rejected, no good for anybody. The only outlet was with my few friends sharing maybe not suicidal, but dark and extreme thoughts and when I could drink alcohol and listen to music to f**k the pain away.
Without energy, no ambitions, no hopes and the most cynical vision of life, with a heart full of hate, anger, distress and less self esteem than ever, this is when I have the “chance” to consult a psychiatrist (I say chance because I live in a province where psychiatric help is nearly impossible to obtain.) Finally, I get Luvox (fluvoxamine) 150mg everyday before bed prescribed. Some times later, that seems too light, 300mg, yepetiyep. Some months have passed but I was still low on energy, sad but functional and I got Wellbutrin XL prescribed, one cap in the morning everyday. By the time, I paid big price to complete studies in software development in a private school and I got a job.
Still I was functional, the word functional is really important here. My mood have been stabilized in a state where the suicidal thoughts are less present, where social anxiety and obsessive ideas are foggy, so that I can’t distinguish the monster lurking. Do I feel much better ? Not really. The dark thoughts are still there, the very low self esteem (unable to give myself a quality) and the lack of social life and the interest for it is real low too. But still, I’m functional, that’s correct this way. I just need to function, no need to enjoy life.
Or, maybe. If I drink a good amount of alcohol and listen to music, mostly progressive while surfing the web or listening to a video clip, life’s good. Without the tools and the material to enjoy life and the chemical stuff as well in my brain with it’s secondary effects, my gosh, those drunk times were tremendous. I was just like a zombie hungry for brains. God please, let this week finish to make my own personal party. The wheel began to turn. Also, I made a girlfriend in those times, I was happy and my world semt to change till I realized she’s an alcoholic. Caged in a relation in which I was dependant too, I was torn, and, the wheel began to turn faster.
The relation with her was unsupportable, (I don’t blame her, I chose myself to drink more to get my space.) Going to work was painful, even if I had good conditions. I always spent money on a ton of gadgets to live some happiness. I made bankruptcy. The situation was worse than ever, and the suicidal thoughts were heavily back. My mental stability was at it’s lowest in all my life. I just made it worse by drinking beer everydays, even while driving, and this when I began to drink to pass out. And one time, while driving erratically, no inhibition to control me, I fulfilled one of my recent fantasy, pass out for the last time while crashing my car in an overpass (it was an intrusive idea, a way to get out) and I crashed my car in a cement block at 165kmh. F**k, I survived. I didn’t killed anybody, I am the most lucky ******* in the world (I would have killed myself thereafter.)
I spent two months in psychiatry. In this time I got a three weeks withdraw of my meds where I’ve been told from my best friend that I seemed to feel better than ever. Finally, my doctor took the case in hand and gave me, in a one shot deal, the same meds (300mg of Luvox and 1 cap of Wellbutrin XL everyday) plus Lithium at 450mg a day. Thereafter, I spent three months caged at my parents, totally sober. Their presence was lovely and I love my parents very much but was I Happy ? At least I had an an obsession for my computer stuff and I was less obsessed by the idea of drinking.
I moved in town, a DUI on my case, thankful for the public transportation. I got the chance to get my job back and returned, functional, with the challenge of a second chance, chance that I wasn’t ready to take. I still needed my binge drinking weekends. I still hadn’t the tools to enjoy life, the esteem lower than ever. Some bad news happened too, my ex-girlfriend died in her sleep of an alcohol intoxication, two weeks later one of my beloved pet companion died (it seems banal but in the situation it meant a lot.) My only reason to live was to feed my two other pets (and the new one) and to successfully finish the current mandate I was on, to get at least, a little self esteem.
My state of mind was catastrophic, I had to take 24 to 36 5.5% beers the weekend to get a little happiness. Some wednesdays a good six to twelve. Why did I have to drink that much ? That’s when I began to pass out a hard time. A dangerous state of mind that made suffer my friends and family in the most hurtful way. In this state, I become violent, incoherent, mad, sexually depraved with absolutely no inhibition, carefree, reckless and this is not in a party way, but in a crazy way, the G.G. Allin way. And it is the total blackout. It’s when I’m told the next day that I know what I did. This is the worst situation that can happen. And with my current med mix, there is no way to know how much alcohol I need to have a feeling and with how much I will blackout. The margin is very low and in this state, there is no way to regain reality. This is how I lost respect from my friends, and how I gave a hard time to the unconditional love of my family. And it is until recently.
If I’m not in a party it’s the binge drinking on Facebook. I do my best to keep control, but it’s the same. Sometimes I lost control and the day after, I’m nothing but anxiety. Sometimes I had to get drunk to look at the past posts because I hadn’t the courage if I was clean.
So after some very bad events, my family encouraged me to do a psychotherapy. This is where and how so slowly, hardly I begin to learn how to live. Where I learn to replace all this anger and need of self-destruction with the hard task of focusing on positive things. This is the help I needed a long time ago. I slowly learn to respect myself and have positive thoughts about other people. And this is where I am today. I ask myself, if I had that chance to develop a positive image about myself and be teached how to like people in society, if I learnt how to make a little fun in life without alcohol, would I need all those meds now ? Nobody knows how the combination of the three meds works in my brain currently. You can use ammonia to clean out a floor, as well as bleach, but both ? Those meds haven’t been tested in a separate way and I think this is just unethical and dangerous. That is a concern that I have to solve.
But for now, I have achieve the biggest battle of my life. I have those meds in my brain and even if my case is evaluated by another psychiatrist I probably will have one of those meds. Maybe there will be less secondary effects in my life but there is still a thing that I won’t be able to do.
The worst blackout in my life happened recently. Terribly awful, the shame of my life. I tried to condition myself to get control over my drinking, but if I drink one I drink ten because there is no other way to get a feeling. This is why I made some researches about SSRI and alcohol and apparently, it decreases the sensibility to alcohol, making it difficult to gage the state of intoxication, even with the Wellbutrin that is not a SSRI. There is a strong correlation with drinking problems and those meds. The blackout stories that we can read are scary. With lithium, one beer, one cup of wine sometimes, that’s it that’s all. But, those altogether, in my case, this is Chernoshima.
The battle of my life. The way I enjoyed a Pink Floyd album with booze, going to a show, with booze, nachos and booze, bbq and booze, one day at a time, I have to say no to those delicacies, because of a state in which I don’t know if it is alcoholism or effects of medication. While I write those lines, it’s my third day. I feel anxious as always and I can’t take booze to calm down. Sports are good, but this is no Floyd booze. I feel pain, that was a great part of my life. This is the bereavement of my outlet, I have to replace it for something I don’t know and that I have to work hard to obtain.
I have to choose between life and death. I have been driven by death so many years. I have to choose between the easy isolation, fall and death or the difficult hope of a sober recovered brightful, active and social life. I still try to convince that I drank my last beer, but, I have to translate this brilliant saying, there it is literally, the “Olde Beef Theory” : we have to apply the Olde Beef Theory, one cow at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: FL
Posts: 50
Dang.
Did your doctor warn you about mixing alcohol and your anti-depressants? Do your doctors know about your past/current drinking behavior? I am not a physician and can not offer medical advice but I think your concern over possible medical interactions is secondary to a much larger problem. Have you stopped drinking? Do you want to stop drinking?
You mentioned G.G. Allin. You know how he ended up, right? Do you want your life in any way to resemble his?
Did your doctor warn you about mixing alcohol and your anti-depressants? Do your doctors know about your past/current drinking behavior? I am not a physician and can not offer medical advice but I think your concern over possible medical interactions is secondary to a much larger problem. Have you stopped drinking? Do you want to stop drinking?
You mentioned G.G. Allin. You know how he ended up, right? Do you want your life in any way to resemble his?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Quebec, Canada
Posts: 15
Hi eumenides ! Thanks for your reply. You are so right about the secondary concern. This really is a much larger problem. Yes, I stopped and I really want to quit. Tomorrow is my first AA meeting. I think that AA, with my current psychotherapy and a strong will is a good recipe. My psychiatrist told me that I should stop drinking but, I didn't really know why. I had to realize the effect by myself to take the current mesures. Alcohol had such a predominent place in my life that all that time I was ridiculously thinking that I would regain control. And yes, I know for the death of G.G. Maybe that's a reason that made the legend more attractive. With the right help and support it will be past. I feel better already to have put down that entire story !
One cow at a time !
Have a nice day,
Thank you
One cow at a time !
Have a nice day,
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver BC Canada
Posts: 384
Hi Dktr
Welcome to SR and I have found this to be a great place for support.
I can relate to a lot of your first post. I am no doctor either but I knew drinking while on antidepressants was not a wise idea yet I did it. I had varying side effects from various medications either alone or during binge drinking but I took the step to be as honest as I could with my doctor on how much I was drinking. Luckily my doctor has been helpful ( not judgemental at all) and through trial and error I have a med regime that is tolerable and works when I don't drink. It does not make me Mr Happy but relieves some of the deeper feelings of sadness. Alcohol is a depressant so the short term uplift I get from it is always followed by the inevitable deeper depression , confusion , guilt , shame and negative feelings that follow. Honesty with myself and my doctor was really needed to start sorting this out.
I went to AA 2 years ago and thought I was cured and it took me two years to get back and lucky I did. Far as I know there is no cure for alcoholism only treatment and remission called sobriety. It has helped me a great deal. Give it a a good try as it does work for some people. There are other program as well if AA isn't the right fit. I found a place in AA where I was accepted , welcomed and found out I was a lot less unique than I thought I was which was a relief. I was no longer alone in a fight I was not winning all by myself. It has helped keep me sober the last two months and I am not climbing the walls for a drink. I did have to target 90 meetings in 90 days so that is a commitment and since this is my second time around , I committed to getting a sponsor and doing the step work with as open a mind as I can. I still have counselling for the broader mental health and life issues as AA has a focus on dealing with alcoholism. Now I do find AA is helping with other pieces of my own puzzles beyond drinking but I still need the help from my counsellors to bridge the gaps.
Best of luck and hope you have a good start to a life you deserve
Welcome to SR and I have found this to be a great place for support.
I can relate to a lot of your first post. I am no doctor either but I knew drinking while on antidepressants was not a wise idea yet I did it. I had varying side effects from various medications either alone or during binge drinking but I took the step to be as honest as I could with my doctor on how much I was drinking. Luckily my doctor has been helpful ( not judgemental at all) and through trial and error I have a med regime that is tolerable and works when I don't drink. It does not make me Mr Happy but relieves some of the deeper feelings of sadness. Alcohol is a depressant so the short term uplift I get from it is always followed by the inevitable deeper depression , confusion , guilt , shame and negative feelings that follow. Honesty with myself and my doctor was really needed to start sorting this out.
I went to AA 2 years ago and thought I was cured and it took me two years to get back and lucky I did. Far as I know there is no cure for alcoholism only treatment and remission called sobriety. It has helped me a great deal. Give it a a good try as it does work for some people. There are other program as well if AA isn't the right fit. I found a place in AA where I was accepted , welcomed and found out I was a lot less unique than I thought I was which was a relief. I was no longer alone in a fight I was not winning all by myself. It has helped keep me sober the last two months and I am not climbing the walls for a drink. I did have to target 90 meetings in 90 days so that is a commitment and since this is my second time around , I committed to getting a sponsor and doing the step work with as open a mind as I can. I still have counselling for the broader mental health and life issues as AA has a focus on dealing with alcoholism. Now I do find AA is helping with other pieces of my own puzzles beyond drinking but I still need the help from my counsellors to bridge the gaps.
Best of luck and hope you have a good start to a life you deserve
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Quebec, Canada
Posts: 15
Thank you
Thank you so much YVRguy for taking time to reply. It's infinitely appreciated. For sure, tommorow I will go to my first AA meeting because fridays are always "binged" :-) And if it is appropriate, maybe two or three times a week I don't know. For sure, the 90 days with a "mentor" is such a good idea. The spirit of being part of a group of people who understands and support themselves and the compassion we have towards eachother is something that I'm sure can help to "fill" the craving. Roger Waters once sang "Together we stand, divided we fall" So, that's why I'm here ! We just want the recovery and happiness of each others and it's so healing. Stand strong, I wish you all the best. We deserve it yes !
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