Mad at myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
Mad at myself
I'm laying here, mad at myself, feeling like a co-dependant idiot.
AH and I just had a brief talk about his drinking. No raised voices, no insults, just enough facts that the writing is on the wall, I'm just too weak to take action.
I said his drinking is affecting everything in our marriage. He blew me off and said he wasn't drunk. I know he's had at least 1.5 bottles of wine tonight, so he's not sober. (In fact, I can hear him pouring another glass right now.) He retorted that I used to not mind the drinking, but I do now. I admitted that I want him sober, but know I can't do anything about it, it's out of my control.
His last comment was "you're right, I don't want to be sober. I'd be f***ing miserable." There it is. His choice.
So now I know it's all on me and defining my boundaries and what's acceptable for me. I've been re-reading Co-dependent No More, but unless Melody Beattie is going to jump out of my Kindle and slap me, I'm not sure what good it's going to do. I know I need to get back in therapy, I'm driving myself crazy. I need to put my kid(s) first, that it's not acceptable to grow up with a parent who drinks like this. I know I have to let it go, focus on myself, etc. I can rationally list out what I know I need to do. I just don't do it.
And I'm hurt. His promise he made to me about cutting back the drinking is worthless. He doesn't want it. (and yes, I know I was dumb to believe him). He got back on the sleeping pills after he said he'd quit. I hid them, but I'm sure he'll get more. And I know he's hiding the drinking until after our toddler goes to bed. Typical A behavior. He just said what I needed to hear after an "incident," and if there aren't any "incidents" then he doesn't see the problem.
It's so cliche, it isn't funny. I hoe my continued reading and rare posting holds me accountable. I need to take action instead of whining. Thanks for reading, I know I rambled.
AH and I just had a brief talk about his drinking. No raised voices, no insults, just enough facts that the writing is on the wall, I'm just too weak to take action.
I said his drinking is affecting everything in our marriage. He blew me off and said he wasn't drunk. I know he's had at least 1.5 bottles of wine tonight, so he's not sober. (In fact, I can hear him pouring another glass right now.) He retorted that I used to not mind the drinking, but I do now. I admitted that I want him sober, but know I can't do anything about it, it's out of my control.
His last comment was "you're right, I don't want to be sober. I'd be f***ing miserable." There it is. His choice.
So now I know it's all on me and defining my boundaries and what's acceptable for me. I've been re-reading Co-dependent No More, but unless Melody Beattie is going to jump out of my Kindle and slap me, I'm not sure what good it's going to do. I know I need to get back in therapy, I'm driving myself crazy. I need to put my kid(s) first, that it's not acceptable to grow up with a parent who drinks like this. I know I have to let it go, focus on myself, etc. I can rationally list out what I know I need to do. I just don't do it.
And I'm hurt. His promise he made to me about cutting back the drinking is worthless. He doesn't want it. (and yes, I know I was dumb to believe him). He got back on the sleeping pills after he said he'd quit. I hid them, but I'm sure he'll get more. And I know he's hiding the drinking until after our toddler goes to bed. Typical A behavior. He just said what I needed to hear after an "incident," and if there aren't any "incidents" then he doesn't see the problem.
It's so cliche, it isn't funny. I hoe my continued reading and rare posting holds me accountable. I need to take action instead of whining. Thanks for reading, I know I rambled.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
ObstructedView, this is very tough stuff you are dealing with. It is so hard, especially when you are beaten down and trapped in a bad relationship, to get the gumption to take action. Don't be so hard on yourself about this; each of us comes to our realizations in our own time.
With this post, you seem like you are truly recognizing your AH's behavior for what it is, and that is a true breakthrough. Be proud of yourself for sorting this out - it's a major step forward in and of itself.
As for getting into a mode where you can take action, people here say "just take the next right step". You don't have to plan for the rest of your life right now. Today, just figure out one thing you can do to move forward from here, and do it.
Here's a thought: With this post, your on-line name of ObstructedView doesn't seem to fit you anymore. What about brainstorming about what new name will better suit where you are now? That may get some momentum started for you, since you'll be imagining and connecting with where you want to go next.
ShootingStar1
With this post, you seem like you are truly recognizing your AH's behavior for what it is, and that is a true breakthrough. Be proud of yourself for sorting this out - it's a major step forward in and of itself.
As for getting into a mode where you can take action, people here say "just take the next right step". You don't have to plan for the rest of your life right now. Today, just figure out one thing you can do to move forward from here, and do it.
Here's a thought: With this post, your on-line name of ObstructedView doesn't seem to fit you anymore. What about brainstorming about what new name will better suit where you are now? That may get some momentum started for you, since you'll be imagining and connecting with where you want to go next.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by ObstructedView 
And I'm hurt. His promise he made to me about cutting back the drinking is worthless. He doesn't want it. (and yes, I know I was dumb to believe him). He got back on the sleeping pills after he said he'd quit. I hid them, but I'm sure he'll get more. And I know he's hiding the drinking until after our toddler goes to bed. Typical A behavior. He just said what I needed to hear after an "incident," and if there aren't any "incidents" then he doesn't see the problem. .
Hang in there, and keep posting, even if you feel the post is irrelevant.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
It is a tough situation that you are in. I was in a similar one for years. I thought if I just could say the right thing or do the right thing, it would make him see how wonderful our family was. Not true. He never saw it, I turned into a nasty b****. Angry at everything. He made so many promises and I'm sure when he made them he had good intentions of following through, but they never lasted long.
I finally left when I discovered he had went out and found himself another A to be with, someone who didn't have a problem with what he was doing. Now that I am away from him and his lifestyle, I realize that there were so many things that were just unhealthy about our relationship.
Take care of yourself and your kiddies.
I finally left when I discovered he had went out and found himself another A to be with, someone who didn't have a problem with what he was doing. Now that I am away from him and his lifestyle, I realize that there were so many things that were just unhealthy about our relationship.
Take care of yourself and your kiddies.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
This article has helped me understand the vicious cycle of addiction:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
You are not powerless.
You said you know you need to take action. How does taking action look like? sometimes plans seem to huge; making a list of smaller activities makes me feel more in control and able to move on with my plan.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
You are not powerless.
You said you know you need to take action. How does taking action look like? sometimes plans seem to huge; making a list of smaller activities makes me feel more in control and able to move on with my plan.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Going to Al-Anon meetings? They can help you; members have seen it all and they share their experience, strength & hope. There are lots of free and informative pamphlets as well as books for sale.
In the meantime, keep posting and reading.
In the meantime, keep posting and reading.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I just want to say that I was not ready for a long time.... (years) until I was. A moment before I could not have left.
It was not until afterwards that I realize I was putting small pieces together all that time (I thought I was just stagnant), and they finally came together in a coherant piece.
I am not attempting to downplay what a hard spot you sound like you are in, just that it was those learning that also got me out of that spot, and I know it can for you also.
It was not until afterwards that I realize I was putting small pieces together all that time (I thought I was just stagnant), and they finally came together in a coherant piece.
I am not attempting to downplay what a hard spot you sound like you are in, just that it was those learning that also got me out of that spot, and I know it can for you also.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"I'm just too weak to take action."
Then I believe that you should just accept him for who he is and learn all you can about addiction and the effect it will have on the entire family. It has tenacles that reach far and wide and will contaminate everything and everyone it touches...not my rules, just how it works.
Then I believe that you should just accept him for who he is and learn all you can about addiction and the effect it will have on the entire family. It has tenacles that reach far and wide and will contaminate everything and everyone it touches...not my rules, just how it works.
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